Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

[Stickytofpud]

New here so please bear with me. I came to search confirmation that I am not completely mad for what I have done/seek unbiased opinion. Apologies for long post, I felt that context and reasonable detail was needed so that people can inform their view.

I have two young kids with my partner, and his two older kids from previous marriage stay with us for half a week. The marriage broke down due to partner's ex wife's infidelity; she went on to marry the man she cheated on my partner with, no further kids born in that relationship.
When I moved in with my partner, I sort of 'jumped onto the running train' of established routine of my partner's ex featuring heavily in his life through constant messaging, but also physical presence, dropping off the kids and inviting herself in and ordering my partner to make her a cup of tea, dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house, that kind of stuff. The infidelity and divorce upset my partner, but he's a man who's able to forgive so over time their relationship has become reasonably amicable and allowing for the above, but definitely not romantic (from his side anyway). As a newcomer, I was putting up with all that, though knew that this level of intrusion and presence from his ex was definitely not normal. To maintain the peace I tolerated the situation. Me and her would get on ok, and I get on well with the kids; she said numerous times how lucky her kids are to have me in their lives.

Me and my partner then had our first child who she would see when dropping off or collecting the kids, she would take the child in her arms etc etc. Some time after we had our child, things started to change for me, particularly after some information reached me related to her current husband (relationship not going too well) and our child (her having a bit of an obsession with the child, like the child was hers).

I have then suggested to my partner that it was time to put some boundaries in place as there should be, and put a bit more distance between her and us. This was supported by my partner, though he wasn't overly keen to introduce all these changes as he did not want to 'rock the boat'. The boundaries mostly revolved around her presence in our place (no longer invited in, kids being dropped off/collected by their dad from her place). Nothing, I believe, that should be a problem for a former partner to respect and accept as their ex partner has moved on and started a family with someone else. The boundaries also include as little contact of my children with her as possible; she's of no relation to them, other than being a mother of their siblings.

It's been about a year now since the boundaries have been introduced and it didn't go down well with her, and it is actually getting worse. I have been name called by her, all of a sudden it's not kids are lucky to have me in their life but poor kids to have to endure me while staying with their dad.. the latest being that if I don't want her to be involved in my kids' lives then she doesn't want me to be involved in her kids' lives either.... completely ignoring the fact that she's comparing apples with pears; her kids are part of our household and my life for half a week each week, whereas my kids have nothing to do with her.

It's wearing, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and I don't know where it will end. It's also putting a strain onto my relationship with my partner as he is caught in the middle of it. It's all been fine for as long as it was on her terms. When the terms changed, I have been made the bad one, for asking nothing more than to be given space and peace for our family life.

For those who managed to read until the end, I would appreciate your views, AIBU?

Grow up, be glad she cares and the kids are happy. You are very controlling

I think that the absolute best situation for all the children (including yours) was what was happening before and you’ve just bulldozed right through that, for seemingly quite petty reasons. Why would you want to create a situation where the parents weren’t getting along, what have you gained out of this apart from the feeling that you have more power than her?

And no it would not worry me in the slightest if she was holding or kissing one of my children. What did you think she was going to do - kidnap them?

My brother’s children have had to endure acrimony between their parents and a step mother who has never laid eyes on their mother. They would have given anything to have the kind of setup you had. This post has really upset me.

You’re getting pummelled because it sounds like you walked into a healthy and happy, very established co-parenting relationship and just obliterated it.

In principle I kind of agree with the gist of what you mean, but you’ve gone about thing’s completely wrong. Honestly you’re the type of woman/step-mum I dread my ex meeting and the kids having.

@Stickytofpud Having healthy boundaries is really important.

But I do think that sometimes people confuse boundaries with control.

Healthy boundaries are about you choosing how you want to be treated, you making decisions for yourself, you choosing to value and respect yourself and equally valuing and respecting others.

They are not about controlling situations, controlling other people, changing another person or dictating what they can and can’t do.

This is about your partner’s co parenting relationship with his ex. It is up to him, not you, how he wants to facilitate the co parenting relationship he has with his ex.

I am sorry but I do think that you are being unreasonable.

If a woman posted on Mumsnet saying that her partner would not allow her children’s father in the house for similar reasons that you gave, I would be saying that he is being controlling and that it was a red flag.

This explains it better than me:

Boundaries that don’t work

While it’s a good idea to set some boundaries, some don’t work and can ultimately have a negative effect on one or both partners.

These tend to be founded in control, when one person tries to restrict or command the actions of the other — and there are some definite red flags to look out for.

“Anything that limits a person’s options” is an unhealthy boundary, Preece explains. “It could be around time, the way they act, even the way they dress.” Crossing these lines, he adds, “can be dangerous.”

This is something Gabb agrees with.
“We shouldn’t confuse boundaries and control —– they’re not the same thing,” she says. “If someone feels a partner is putting up boundaries in a controlling way — ‘These are my boundaries, and this is what you must do’ — then there’s a problem with communication around boundaries being established.”

psychcentral.com/blog/why-healthy-relationships-always-have-boundaries-how-to-set-boundaries-in-yours#ineffective-boundaries

OP, I understand where you’re coming from, I had almost exactly the same situation. His ex wanted control, she wanted to know everything that went on in our home. We had the turning up, walking in —- I never went to her house, husband had never been inside it, always spoke on her doorstep.
All I can suggest is you and DH put on a united front. To the children present it as a that’s life shrugged shoulders type of thing. Be firm with the ex wife but don’t involve the children.
One thing you might consider is moving just a bit further away. Something about an unfamiliar house, different neighbourhood def put the ex wife off visiting.

She sounds like a nightmare

Your partner needs to support you with the new changes. Ignore as much as possible.

How old are the older children?

You are unreasonable tk not want her in the house, you sound jealous and controlling. Maybe you should think about your DH’s children in all of this and not just about yourself. Also yojr DH is clearly a coward

You are being so so unreasonable. Admittedly some of what you have written would make me a bit insecure too. I’d hate someone just letting themselves in. However, instigating the deterioration of a good coparent set up because of it, was not ok. Her marriage is not your business, and I know it’s easier said than done when someone you love has been hurt, but it’s for your DH to manage how their past impacts their current relationship.

You are assuming that her actions regarding your children were self-motivated. It sounds like she was doing her best to embrace you and your children. This might have been to signal to hers that they should love and treat you all well, given that dynamics in blended families can be fraught. The restrictions you put in place were quite extreme and were not in the best interest of the children. Your DH can’t put all of the responsibility for this on you though. He was reluctant for a reason, and he should not have agreed to bulldoze a dynamic that had been working for years.

I think if you want to repair the coparent relationship, the first thing you’re going to have to do is think of it from her point of view. She might feel that she did her best to be kind to you for years and in return you banished her from your house and from interacting with your children like a criminal. I’ll probably get slated for suggesting this, but sometimes you just have to apologise. After that just keep it civil, focus on what’s best for the kids and don’t listen to gossip. It’s highly unlikely, she will want to rebuild a relationship or spend any time in your house or around your children after this, so I don’t think you have anything to lose.

It sounds like they had a healthy co-parenting situation set up and now you've come along and crapped all over it. YTA, sorry.

Sorry, thought I was on Reddit for a moment 🤣 *YABU

Also, just wanted to add that of course it is not ok for her to enter your home without anyone being there to invite her in. And of course it’s reasonable to want to have space and time for yourselves.

Instead of a complete ban of her entering not just your home but your husband’s home and your step children’s home and your baby’s home, couldn’t you create some healthy boundaries of when you choose to invite her in?

It’s not just your home though. When sharing a house the other occupants are allowed to have guests.

You said that your husband feels caught in the middle. That’s not healthy for him.

Think about how to establish boundaries that don’t override his healthy boundaries and the children’s healthy boundaries.

Everybody’s boundaries are going to be a bit different but we still need to respect each other’s boundaries.

I don’t understand your issue? You knew the score when you got together? Your DH allowed the lack of boundaries, he was obviously fine with it. So it’s pretty clear that it’s you who’s raised the issues.

The issue isn’t her, it’s your DH.

I cannot believe the comments and the polling. Op, do not pay any attention to the “hideous” posters verbally assaulting you on this thread. They must have problems that have nothing to do with you.

You are correct to put boundaries in place. Your husband should not be tolerating any talk from her about you. She has inserted herself into your business and your children and that is wrong. She has violated your space, your baby’s personal space, your marriage and boundaries, both yours and your husband’s.

He’s going to have to get tough, stay calm but firm. I would not allow her within 100 yards of my children, she sounds obsessive and creepy. You’re doing the right thing. Do not give in whatever you do or you’ll regret it.

The commenters on here are nuts!

I very much get why you want to establish some boundaries, but I don’t think you’ve gone about it a way that was ever going to do anything other than get her back up.

I don’t have any advice as to what you should do now, but I think most people could have foreseen that the way you handled this was never going to lead to the sort of happy-clappy, skipping-through-the-tulips, one-big-happy-family scenario you were clearly envisaging.

To be honest, the idea of embroiling myself into a step-situation - with unpredictable exes, other people’s children, and blended families - is so deeply unappealing, that I don’t understand why anyone bothers. I mean, sure you love him. But there are zillions of men out there. This seems like way, way too much stress and bother.

Saying your husband’s ‘going to have to get tough’. I mean, that’s worthless advice. Talk about stating the obvious. Mr I Don’t Want To Rock The Boat is never going to do that, so …. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I might be overinvested because my situation is similar but I think this is a harsh and simplistic view.

Often, and I've seen it over and over again just not in my own life, 'healthy co-parenting situation' is code for 'Parent 1 has absolutely everything their own way and Parent 2 goes along with it because they know WW3 will break out if they express a different opinion'. Usually it's a continuation of the dynamic they had in their relationship.

And the new partner 'crapping all over it' is code for a pair of fresh eyes looking at the situation and pointing out that it's unhealthy.

Controlling spouses make controlling exes and they REALLY hate losing that control as the person who left them and their controlling ways tries to break free and make a new life without them at the centre of it.

I'd say the boundaries are too harsh. Yes, definitely no going in the house when you aren't there, but her not allowed to drop the kids off and come in for a cup of tea? Why not? Whether you like it or not, your child is her children's sibling, so there is a relationship there. It's odd that your child is banned from seeing her.

As a former GF of a fellow with child, I can understand the other party wanting to ensure the woman my children are living with for part of their week, is normal and they are treated nicely and similarly to her own. I have seen it several times where step C. are not treated fairly and I made it a point to get on with then partner's ex. Just helps at hand over time.

Having said that, telling your partner to make her a cup of whatever at your place is out of bounds, unless she is having to wait around for the children to be ready or some such is going on. Then its just polite and I (being you) would offer.

but you did know your partner was a package deal. Again if she is waiting for the children to be ready, it wouldn't really worry me if she is entertaining our little person. Its a good example to their children to see Mum interacting with their half sibling. After all you are all going to be related for a very long time and will be involved in the children's key life moments.

really? It has nothing to to do with you that your partners ex wife who has issues with boundaries comes to your house kissing your children? I’ve read it all on mumsnet lol. Yeah it has nothing to do with her at all.

@Stickytofpud i think the boundaries you put in place are fine given she sounds batshit crazy and in my opinion this mess is due to your husband’s lack of a spine. He should have put these boundaries in place ages ago but he didn’t.

You can be amicable with your parents ex without the over done bullshit that she’s doing.

also don’t worry about the bashing you’re getting here, mumsnet has a her mentality where one person picks one small piece and hammers on and on making their own assumptions and others just pile on and join like a herd of sheep.

and for the life of me why do problem need to bring their issues to mumsnet? Everyday people come to mumsnet and get attacks and attacked and yet you all can’t seem to make basic life decisions without posting on mumsnet.

I don’t see how you read that as a healthy co parenting relationship ship, it is not at all. A healthy co parenting relationship means respecting each other especially when your ex starts a new sanity with someone else not bashing in making orders and acting like an idiot.

The OPs husband only went along with this because he is spineless and can’t face up to his ex wife for fear of rocking the boat, how is that a healthy relationship?

If her husband wanted to maintain his relationship ship with his ex as is then he should not have dated and married her, to expect the relationship to stay the same with her having anytime access, snapping orders for coffee, grabbing their child is asinine.

It does sound like the boundaries were needed, otherwise she wouldn’t have reacted as she has.

whilst she was demanding her drink upon visiting, visiting the house in your absence op was a great poerson

byt when op said actually you don’t need to be having hot drinks at our place or visiting when adults aren’t present, suddenly op wasn’t a good person

hiw old are her D.C.?

I am betting that if p p s calling this a "good co parenting relationship" would be less enthusiastic if they had to put up with this.

I think you were right to put down boundaries and i t is her ruining any co parenting relationship as she is punishing everyone around at for no longer having everything her way.

I think it's far more healthy to have a bit of distance.

You were very uncomfortable with the previous set up and that is reason enough for it to need to change.

I’m a step mum and I can see why this has caused an issue. The time to re-draw the boundaries was when you moved it. That’s when the situation changes, it seems a bit odd to suddenly want to change things several years later.

My step kids mum is always nice to my daughter. When we drop the kids off she invites us in/or we invite ourselves in as my daughter likes to see her cats and her dog (especially after the dog has puppies!). She always seems to have lollies in her car so my daughter always goes out to her car when she picks the kids up to see if she has anything! We don’t have keys to each others houses which has actually proved quite annoying on a few occasions and I’ve said repeatedly to DP that we should have each others keys in case the kids need something from the other house, but he is slack and keeps forgetting 🙄.

She was also one of the first people to see my daughter after she was born, she brought the kids too the hospital to see their new sibling (she was also seeing her sister who had a baby around the same time).

If you really feel that she needs to be at your house less then it’s up to your partner to collect/drop off his kids from her house.

This.
I always thought if my ex had more kids that I'd love some kind of relationship with them because they would be my kids siblings and a huge part of their lives so it would be just odd to not have any kind of relationship with them. I got on great with the ex he had that I thought he might have had kids with and she even said I'd be the babysitter if they had kids. They broke up anyway so it never happened!

I have been name called by her, all of a sudden it's not kids are lucky to have me in their life but poor kids to have to endure me while staying with their dad.

I don't think that it's too surprising that she suddenly sees you in a different light considering you said The boundaries also include as little contact of my children with her as possible

That must have seemed 'all of a sudden' to her too, and hurtful and offensive.

The boundaries mostly revolved around her presence in our place (no longer invited in, kids being dropped off/collected by their dad from her place). Nothing, I believe, that should be a problem for a former partner to respect and accept as their ex partner has moved on and started a family with someone else.

I understand boundaries where she wasn't invited in or was invited in less, but it sounds like she isn't allowed near the house at all even to collect them 🤔
From her point of view this must have came across very badly, like she was being treated like she was some kind of awful person.