Not taking my children to see their grandparents?

[Herringbone1]

For context my children are primary school age. We have a busy life (like most parents with young children) activities, full time jobs then throw in housework, trying to shoehorn in some family days together etc. leaves very little time for much else. Grandparents are retired and do very little aside from casual hobbies. Don’t drive. Live around an hour away but make very little effort to have a relationship with their grandsons. No significant health issues that would prevent them from visiting.

AIBU I’m not taking my children on a 2 hour round trip to see them when they make such little effort? I feel guilty thinking well maybe I should try more but I then I think well why can’t they get public transport to come see us? Why is it my responsibility to encourage their relationship? They made the choice not to drive, not me.

DH and I are early 60s, still working full time and the DC are mid/late 20s.

FWIW and providing they have no money/health issues, I think your parents should be visiting you once a week, doing a bit to help, seeing their grandchildren and easing your load.

Doing a 50 minute journey on a train is no big deal. My mother trotted up to London on the train (1hr, 45) until she was about 81/2 for the West End shops, MIL visited us on her own as a widow from the age of 72 - 240 miles (taxi, train from up north, tube) until she was 80. At 80 we started meeting her from King's Cross. At 85 and post lockdown, she is too frail so DH visits once a month, and we have two little "holidays" a year with her as a family.

Honestly, early 60s and newly retired is by no means archaic and it doesn't render anyone in reasonable health unable to catch a train.

It seems to me that retired relatives forget quite quickly how tiring it is to work full time and how little personal time you have.

I think they also assume that anyone under 60 should be full of energy all the time. I get that, they're probably thinking "what do they have to complain about, they have their health and youth"

It seems to me that retired relatives forget quite quickly how tiring it is to work full time and how little personal time you have

I agree with this. My nan used to do this all the time- she was fully mobile and completely healthy and had all day long to do what she pleased and just couldnt understand how tiring it was working full time and juggling kids. She often seemed completely baffled that I had very little time at the end of the day. I think its easy to forget when you dont have those pressures.

Do the grandparents actually want to spend time with GC ? Not being unkind at all but genuinely wondering if this is partly the reason? Not all older people enjoy children's company.

Sigh.

another drip feed style AIBU where the OP most certainly doesn’t want to hear that they are unreasonable. Why even post?

On the grandparents, i agree with you. Seems they dont make much effort otherwise, so its only fair you put in same effort.
We dont all have awesome parents and in turn grandparents for our kids but society likes to try guilt trip otherwise. They old, they birthed you, you owe them BS

On why some dont drive - i dont, nothing to do with pissing money up the wall
I was almost killed by a truck at 16, while i was in the driver seat of a car while we were pulled over and broken down. I was looking for a torch, bent over the seat looking in the back, truck sideswiped us, if i had been seated normally, id be dead
My resulting panic attacks and anxiety make it unsafe for myself and others to drive.

It is completely unnecessary to be so rude. I do not have a privileged attitude, far from it. Lots of people make the choice not to drive for several reasons like previous posters have said - health, fear, etc. I also fully appreciate that driving is also not a choice for some people due to their life circumstances and the inequality people experience. However, this is not the case for my parents.

If you make an active choice not to drive then you have to expect you will be using public transport. If you read the full thread you'll see that they are perfectly capable of using public transport. This is not the issue here. If I did not drive / before I could drive if I wanted to see somebody I would make arrangements to do so and would use public transport.

This poster makes many good, considered points imo.

Regarding OP's parents' possibly undiagnosed health problems it seems at least plausible that shutting the door in response to their adult children attempting to visit, the OP's already knowing her parents are hoarders, their refusal to travel, whether driving or by apparently very easy public transport route are possibly signs of pretty serious mental illness on their part, or on one of your parent's parts, at least with the other struggling to deal with it. Maybe @Herringbone1 ?

Perhaps less of me and my family are hurt by this and more looking outward to what might be going on with your parents, discussion with siblings or other family members, your parents' neighbours, other people who know them could be a way forward... if you can find time in your busy life, that is. That last sentence is not meant to be sarcastic, btw, it is difficult being in the 'sandwich' phase of adult life...parents getting on, young children... lots of posters on here will know that.

(Somebody saying it's parents'' responsibility to maintain a relationship with their adult children, not vice versa - if that's what's wished for on both sides - needs to grow up, imo)
.

Gosh I make the 2 hour round trip with my 3 year old and 3 month old to see my parents. Does it become much more difficult with primary ages children? If so this makes me sad! I’m not the biggest fan of driving but it’s ok. We sing a lot of Disney songs!
My Mum did learn how to drive when I was pregnant with my first though and visits us once a week on her day off so it does go both ways.
Atleast if you go to there’s you can control what time you arrive and leave? They will provide food and stuff? I sometimes find it easier 🤷🏼‍♀️

You say that now. By the time you have reached their age it may well be different. They may well have said the exact same thing at your age

age has a habit of making things more difficult for SOME people . Even a relatively youngish grandparent . For many women reaching peri and menopause throws up any number of health issues. For instance I have terrible IBS and urinary incontinence. I literally take an anti diarrhoea tablet every time I set out on a journey of longer than 30 mins and if I’m going to be “out “ all day, not returning to my own home within an hour or 2. Yes, I do go to London by train to see my ds (3 hour 1 way), but I dread it, I start to get anxious 2 or 3 days ahead and have sleepless nights worrying about “accidents” in public places (tmi: I have had a number of public accidents and it is horrendous). I also have some mobility issues that don’t help either. Ok, some 80 year olds are extremely fit, but that is down to genetics and a whole list of other factors including luck. These, even minor health niggles, can make travelling by public transport far more daunting

add to that increasing anxiety and increasing lack of flexibility that also effects many aging people. Some Women again particularly after peri get completely irrational anxiety . That low level anxiety can make it very much more comfortable to stay put and not venture out on even shortish journeys. You have to have an iron will sometimes to overcome that. Habits form and it is just “easier” for them to not face that journey or stay in someone else’s house for the day.

all of which would have sounded bats to me in my 30s, 40s or even earlier 50s. But is a real problem now for me to have to overcome in my 60s. And I’m not even that old yet.

my advice would be to talk with them. Sit down somewhere neutral like a tea shop or pub where things can’t escalate into a row. Say to them that YOU WISH the GC would be able to see more of them. First ask if this is something they feel too? Don’t assume they want more contact.
if they do express they wish they saw more of GCgo too, then tell them the round trip driving is proving very challenging in terms of time it takes out of your busy schedule with work, schooling etc. you’ve been thinking that that it would be “easier” for you, to get to more frequent visits if they’d visit you half the time, but clearly that’s not as easy as it sounds for them as they haven’t suggested it. could they explain where the issues are? Or something like. Keep it light. Make it about you , not them, don’t accuse, don’t hold them to the same “it’s easy” as you think at 25 or so less years than them.

clearly you aren’t unreasonable in thinking this should be a no brainer, form a travel perspective, but also there is always a perfectly legitimate reason why they’re not doing this.

there is always , also, the chance that their grandkids overwhelm them and exhaust them. Other people’s kids, even if they’re your GC, can do this. Remember your kids are being raised in different ways than they raised your dp and that can cause conflicts which they may be choosing not to have by not seeing the GC that much.

Nah, effort goes both ways. I wouldn’t bother either. My retired parents wouldn’t ever make demands on my time and insist I travel to them, when they understand I am considerably busier than they are. They know they have the means and the time to travel - much more than I.

Not unreasonable. I understand completely the stress of getting kids ready, travelling, hitting traffic, feeding, entertaining, toileting etc which makes it more than just ‘a drive’ to visit someone.
Time is precious and we get tired.
My hubby works 6/7 days per week and we only get Sunday to try and do something with our young son (he has a grown up son too who we sometimes see) I’ll be damned if I’m wasting that precious Sunday regularly in doing something that doesn’t please us as a family X

Thank you, this is exactly it. When the kids are in school or nursery or whatever for a full day, have after school activities and homework etc they’re really tired. Taking them after school means they’re likely to fall asleep in the car, not go to bed that night, grumpy the next day etc. We get very little time on a weekend as well due to work commitments etc. so this makes it harder.

Honestly I wouldn’t mind if it was a turn taking situation but it’s not. I’ve not seen them for a very long time now because I genuinely just haven’t had the time to go through. Reading though some of the replies on here is making me consider that actually maybe they’re just not that bothered about seeing the kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

For people saying it’s easier for me to go through there as they provide lunch etc. this isn’t the case and I am envious of those of you who can nip through to your parents and be catered for. I think some people don’t understand that not all families are as lovely as their own.

I will make some more effort, purely for the kids and possibly to ease my conscious. It’s difficult when family is important to you but your family members don’t have the same values.

That’s a daft question.
It depends on how close you live to the train station and how close your destination is from that train station.

It’s perfectly possibly for public transport to be faster than a car.

I live about 6 hours from my parents (and in another country) and we take turns to visit. They do make an effort to visit us and spend time with the kids, which I appreciate.

I totally get you about the catering thing though. When they visit me I am running around like a blue arsed fly and my dad won't even put his mug in the dishwasher. When we visit them it's even trickier because my mum doesn't cook at all and my dad thinks a supermarket pizza is like the fish that fed the five thousand. If there are just the two of them he'll cook one pizza and cut it in half. If there are six of us he'll cook one pizza and cut it into six pieces. If I want the family to eat something resembling a healthy, balanced meal at something resembling an actual mealtime, I have to shop for and cook it myself.

We have a tricky relationship like this with my FIL and my SIL- both live 3-4 hours drive away, don't work, no kids or pets, no transport issues , but just don't make the effort and then complain they don't see the kids. We have 3 kids, both work full time, and the weekends are full of activities, parties etc. However we want our kids to have the opportunity to have a relationship with their family.
The compromise we make is that we take turns - we had open and frank conversations with both. In theory this means we could make the trip every 2-3 months (if they were keen and wanted to visit once a month). If they don't come and visit us, we usually do 2 trips per year to them regardless- usually a couple of long weekends in the school holidays or a stop off on the way to somewhere else.
It works really well for us because at the slight hint of any complaining we can just remind them it's their turn (I assure you it's never been waiting for us to organise our turn!).

You might think that’s a silly comment, but I lost my mum last year and would give anything for my boys to have a few hours with her.
i suppose it depends on your relationship with your parents whether the drive it worth it. For me, my parents were fab while us was growing up & extremely supportive when I had children. My boys deserved to have them in their lives. But not everyone had the same experience

I get it op. It certainly does work both ways!! If they are capable why should it always fall to you. I think you need to sit down and work out what you want to do going forward but I would advise you speak to them and find out why they arnt playing a more active role in your life’s. Find out if you can find some common ground with the visiting and go from there. Better to get it sorted now rather than later down the line when it’s too late.

No, she has no idea that she only exists because her parents made her. ffs.

Once they are dead she won't need to make an effort to see them, do keep up!

Utter nonsense

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest you and your kids are probably better off not seeing much of your parents.

Plenty of people don’t drive for numerous reasons! Less than 50% of adults in London own a car.

When ds was small and my parents were in their 60s they rarely visited, we made all the effort. This was mainly because I wanted ds to know his grandparents and his extended family, bond with them, have memories of them - it was more for ds's benefit than them. Also they were my mum and dad so I wanted to see them too!

In my 30s and 40s I did sometimes think, it would be just as "easy" for them to just pop on a bus, but they didn't so I took up the slack and made it happen.

Now I am in my mid 50s and I wish I had that everything is "easy" / no big deal outlook from my 30s/40s! I wish I had the energy, endurance, drive and confidence I had then before menopause hit.

ds is only 19, but if I am a grandparent in my 60s I can absolutely see how I might find just popping on public transport onerous and I am beginning to understand why my parents "never made the effort", it wasn't through lack of caring as they loved him visiting, and I am glad I did as ds has some amazing memories of his dgp, especially his granddad who he was very close to.

After dad died after a long illness I can remember my mum saying we didn't realise how difficult daily life was for him as we only saw the good side when he practically lit up every time we arrived with ds, I wish she had told me before as we would have been over more.

Absolutely up to you if you choose not to visit your parents and accept that means your dc will miss out on a relationship with them.

Perhaps they don't visit you because they don't feel particularly welcome?

Just a thought.