Not taking my children to see their grandparents?

[Herringbone1]

For context my children are primary school age. We have a busy life (like most parents with young children) activities, full time jobs then throw in housework, trying to shoehorn in some family days together etc. leaves very little time for much else. Grandparents are retired and do very little aside from casual hobbies. Don’t drive. Live around an hour away but make very little effort to have a relationship with their grandsons. No significant health issues that would prevent them from visiting.

AIBU I’m not taking my children on a 2 hour round trip to see them when they make such little effort? I feel guilty thinking well maybe I should try more but I then I think well why can’t they get public transport to come see us? Why is it my responsibility to encourage their relationship? They made the choice not to drive, not me.

We are a similar drive away and do once a month or abit longer. Both work, weekends are busy and we want our own time together as a family (aswell as catching up on everything else-house, garden, diy etc). Perhaps suggest every 6-8 weeks to them as you are finding the weekends very busy at this point (ours would be fine and understanding if we said that to them).

They dont have any health issues and you do invite them so I don’t see what their problem is.
Id just keep asking especially as they visit others. It doesn’t seem right that they don’t visit you.

Rubbish, if they make little effort to see their grand children that’s on them. Being a parent of children especially with hobbies is extremely hard work. If GPs want to see their GCs they can put the effort in. Alienating would be to actively put barrier between them like refusing access when they’ve made the effort. Simply placing a child on earth does not grant you effortless access to your GC. I’ll move heaven and earth to see any I may have in the future it won’t be on my DC to facilitate. People who care will bother, people who don’t will not.

I think it depends on what type of relationship you have with your family. I have always had regular contact with my family and this has continued. My cousin live outside London but without fail they visit their parents with their children every Sunday. My auntie always cooks a big meal.

MNers tend to be obsessed with GPs. I think they’re over-rated.

I don’t think it matters if you cba to drive to see them, they cba to come to see you either.

If they’re not that bothered about coming to see your kids they’re not likely to make the effort when they’re there either or really try to foster relations Jo’s with them.

It’s perfectly reasonable to see them only when you fancy, a few a year.

I would just leave it for a bit. If they make noises about it being nice to see you then invite them over.

Exactly.

Completely off topic, but why is choosing not to drive a negative thing? Some people are happy to walk/use public transport, it’s better for the planet too. It’s great you can drive, but lots of people don’t want to

You’re not harsh , I had parents like this , once you have left home they say “ you have your own life now” then decades on they moan about no one wants to visit. It seems that on here , it’s a crime not to get on with your mum. I had got NC with mine. It takes two sides to maintain a relationship between families. Just enjoy your young family and do what suits you. If they ( your parents) won’t make an effort now they will never change. It took me years to realise that. Sending hugs.x

Oh don’t bother. Mumsnet is full of entitled boomers that will tell you it’s all on you. You’re not being unreasonable. It’s a two way street, it shouldn’t be your responsibility to make the effort (with so many more commitments) if they can’t be bothered.

I think it is because they choose not to use public transport either. In the general sense, I have no idea. I didn't drive until my second kid and there is very little public transportation where I live.

I get you OP. I wonder how many of the people saying you should spend at least one day every month or more often seeing grandparents. What if you have two sets who don’t live locally? If you both work full time weekends can be spent cleaning, shopping? Kids activities and all the other stuff you want to do (including spending time with friends). We literally don’t have time to see parents that often.

You can fuck right off with 'entitled boomers'

Being entitled has nothing to do with age

Is it difficult to issue a proper invitation?

That way they come when it suits you and not when it doesn't

Yep. It’s very predictable

What else have they got to do? They should at least be doing 50% of travel

Fuck off boomer. Visit your grandkids.

YANBU if they are going to ignore your children while you are all there why bother?

YANBU - You’re the one that knows your parents and it sounds like you don’t have the best relationship with them and they don’t sound particularly interested in your children. Forget all the “you’ll be sorry when they’re dead” (how would they know if you will be sorry?) and “it’s only an hour” (it’s the same for them and they are retired) comments. People who have good relationships with their parents often don’t understand that not everyone has the same experience - they can be very shortsighted!

Not OP but the train is often faster than driving.

There are too many replies (that I haven't read) for mine to make a difference but if it does - my advice is - stop worrying about what they should or shouldn't do and what's fair and what are the obligations, and start thinking about what you want and what suits you.
You might find there's a middle ground that doesn't require validation from outside. Also try to be flexible over time - maybe now you don't feel able to take on this extra load, that's fine, but maybe in 3 months time you'll fancy a visit despite the hassle -if so make it happen at that point.
Also consider discussing with your parents about your concerns, they may not surprise you, but if neither side is communicating then nothing will change.

I’m sure they don’t expect a visit every weekend but surely once a month isn’t a big deal? I can’t fathom not making that effort for them or your children.

I do. All the time (invited)

OP, have these grandparents complained that they don't see their grandchildren? I remember my lovely grandad travelling to see me on the bus.

Have you actually invited them to come and visit you? Maybe they don't want to intrude

or even meet halfway?