Not taking my children to see their grandparents?

[Herringbone1]

For context my children are primary school age. We have a busy life (like most parents with young children) activities, full time jobs then throw in housework, trying to shoehorn in some family days together etc. leaves very little time for much else. Grandparents are retired and do very little aside from casual hobbies. Don’t drive. Live around an hour away but make very little effort to have a relationship with their grandsons. No significant health issues that would prevent them from visiting.

AIBU I’m not taking my children on a 2 hour round trip to see them when they make such little effort? I feel guilty thinking well maybe I should try more but I then I think well why can’t they get public transport to come see us? Why is it my responsibility to encourage their relationship? They made the choice not to drive, not me.

When you get older driving on fast roads can be scary.

as long as grandparents want to see them, you should make time. Yes this part of our lives is SO busy, but it’s important for the children to have relationships with grandparents on many levels.

As a grandparent, I don't make as much effort as I should, but I'm not retired, I have a career. If I was retired, I think it would be my responsibility to make more effort, as I would want to support you and perhaps give you a break. I will see mine once a month, and have overnight and don't think that that is really enough, but I also enjoy my free time!

It's better to promote good relationships. Perhaps all of you should give a bit more. Invite the grandparents and see how they respond. I don't know how old they are but a journey can be a daunting prospect for older people. I appreciate you're busy but surely you could manage a few times a year, plus Skype / Zoom. The children could send something they have done in school, special cards...., it's good to be made to feel special. Good results produces good results.

I guess it depends how you feel about your parents - nobody can really judge your relationship.
I drive an hour each way twice a week to see my mum and every other week I have her to stay for 2 or 3 nights, she’s a lovely mum and grandma and My kids and I value her company.
There is no doubt about it that driving is easier than public transport but if you don’t want to, you don’t have to.

seriously make the effort … life is too short … please go see your parents with the babies …. You only have one Mum and Dad if you’re lucky … for your sake and the kids … put all pride aside and make some happy memories .. you won’t regret it sincerely you won’t

Get over yourself. If there’s no safety concern with your kids being around your parents, and it doesn’t sound like there is, are you going to die on this petty hill? Grandparents get such a raw deal on this website. Damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Maybe pick up the phone and talk to them to see if there’s a particular issue, or to work out a system that works for both of you. Or don’t, and your kids won’t have a relationship with them. Your choice.

Yes, you're being unreasonable and selfish. It's not about you or even necessarily the grandparents, but your kids have a right to have a relationship with their family. You're their parent - it's your responsibility to facilitate that until they're old enough to do so themselves. .

I think an hour's drive each way is that bad seriously, when it's convenient for yourselves.
My parents live 120 miles away and that's just one way. The M6 is part of the route.. always a nightmare! My hubby is the only driver so we don't do day trips. Make a holiday of it as they live near the seaside so I'm lucky. My hubby's parents are both dead. Grandparents won't be around forever OP. It's important for your children to see them occasionally , otherwise they'll be regret later on. I don't miss my grandma as my mum had a falling out with her and I never saw her. She died when I was 5.

Weird that people just assume you had/have a healthy relationship with your parents. So many people don't.

If they don't want to spend time with their grandkids, then sod 'em, they clearly from what you say, could easily do so if it came up their arses to; why on earth put yourself out when your efforts won't even be appreciated?

The only reason I'd make the effort, in your position, is if my kids themselves were upset not to see the grandparents.

ps. @Dibbydoos said "You do know that without your DPs you wouldn't be here and neither would you DCs don't you?" which is one of the stupidest, crassest and entirely unempathetic or aware things I've seen on Mumsnet - and that's saying a lot . First, you didn't ask to be born, there's no bloody reason to be grateful, and secondly all those people who daily fight suicidal ideas because their lives are so shit, would probably like to see her fall under a bus.

How often do you visit at the moment? If it’s weekly/fortnightly double the time between visits, FaceTime/zoom them instead. All the effort should not be on your side. They know you will visit so there’s no incentive for them to make an effort.

Make the effort.
It's important for the kids to have grandparents, and once they bond with the kids they might make more effort

I completely get your point, my in laws live 5 mins away and never make any effort. Always expect us to go to them when we are the ones who are busy and they are very much not. We go probably once a month as I feel bad if they don’t see their grandson at all but when he’s a bit older and doesn’t want to go I’m not sure I will insist.

AIBU-
So my family live 1 hour away, I am currently on my last month of maternity leave (0 pay)
my family often have ‘digs’ that they don’t see my child often enough, and that I should make the effort to visit more!!!
I take my child to my grandmas house on a Monday and on the odd occasion my mum will turn up.
my mum has never been to our house (even though she drives) my dad has visited once. I have recently mentioned to my dad that my child does not recognise him and that he should make more of an effort, this is because he will have his other grandchild over night every weekend take them on day trips ect, however not my child.
AIBU

I live near Edinburgh. A train takes 20 mins but driving would be at least 60/90 mins.

Hahahah, I’ve tried this. I’ve spoken to them… they’re both in the mist of a middle life crisis. They’re in there 40’s both drive country lanes, motor ways ect.
please don’t tell me to ‘get over myself’ rather rude

I’ve made the effort so many times, taking my child every week. However I don’t have money at the moment for fuel ect, I didn’t have a relationship as such with my family until my child came along… and this was simply because I wanted my child to have people in their lives that love them

You are being supercilious to dismiss your parents interest as “a few casual hobbies”. Seeing as you don’t see them very often, how do you know how important these hobbies are.
Very few retired people give up driving for no good reason. It is generally down to health issues, sight problems, lack of confidence, or financial restraints. Have you asked? Do you care?
If I had a daughter with your attitude, I would make very little effort to see my grandchildren, because I would be afraid of being rebuffed.
For your sake, I hope your sons are kinder to you, when they have children, than you are to your parents.

This

Read the full thread. The transport is not the issue here! They haven’t given up their licence and they’re more than capable of using public transport.

When I said casual hobbies I meant they’re not part of an organisation. As in it’s not a knitting club that’s a set time every week with other people, that sort of thing. I’m not saying hobbies aren’t important to people. You’ve taken what I’ve said completely out of context.

It’s really hurtful isn’t it. Almost a rejection. Same as you, I think so why don’t you want to visit us if you’re capable of visiting other people? Although the people that think I’m being unreasonable are portraying me as this monster I’m really not! I’m welcoming, friendly and hospitable. I just struggle to get my head round it.

And to add to this - if I am fortunate enough to become a grandparent in the future I would move heaven and earth to see them. It’s a 2 way relationship and you get out what you put in. I’ve been putting in for a long time now and there’s been nothing in return.

Sounds like the grandparents are alienating themselves

Hahahahaaaaaaa this cracked me up.

Hahaha this cracked me up.

It's about the children, not you.