Not taking my children to see their grandparents?

[Herringbone1]

For context my children are primary school age. We have a busy life (like most parents with young children) activities, full time jobs then throw in housework, trying to shoehorn in some family days together etc. leaves very little time for much else. Grandparents are retired and do very little aside from casual hobbies. Don’t drive. Live around an hour away but make very little effort to have a relationship with their grandsons. No significant health issues that would prevent them from visiting.

AIBU I’m not taking my children on a 2 hour round trip to see them when they make such little effort? I feel guilty thinking well maybe I should try more but I then I think well why can’t they get public transport to come see us? Why is it my responsibility to encourage their relationship? They made the choice not to drive, not me.

Sounds exhausting if it’s all on you. It seems to me it’s mostly about the lack of reciprocation. You’d be happy to keep making the effort if it was matched by equal (or close to equal) effort on their part. Doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

On principle it’s ridiculous but in reality you have to decide if you can tolerate and if the relationship is worth the disproportionate effort

Yeah they’ve been invited numerous times and to things I know they’ll love as they’re interested in. They’ve spoken about coming and said they will but it never materialises. We’ve not spoken about the half way meet-up as there’s not much half way between us really. Not without them having to get 2x forms of public transport.

@Herringbone1 I think the fact you've invited them to things you know they'll love and be interested in is really lovely of you. But I think the fact they say they'll cone but it 'never materialises' suggests there might be a serious, underlying mental illness with one of your parents as I suggested in a previous post. Maybe?

Doesn't it all depend on how much YOU, as a parent, want them to be involved in your childrens' life?

My parents were reluctant to travel to visit ( 2.5 hrs away) because of personal reasons (I didn't delve too deeply and took at face value that they had difficult in travelling to visit). I made the effort to travel to them because I wanted my children to know they had family / grandparents.

Both my children and my parents loved this time together and built a strong bond. So, I guess my advice would be - do what you think is important for your family x

It is frustrating.

I make the effort to see the in laws and even my husband doesn’t bother as he’s so fed up with them. I do it for my DC (and a little bit because I just thing it’s the right thing to do) as they want to see them and now they don’t even respond.

My grandmother told me once “I know what it’s like to be your age but you don’t know what it’s like to be my age”. That gave me some reflective thinking.

Its hard and I don’t have any answers. Maybe delve a little deeper as to why they don’t for your children’s sake.

Agree@Nanny0gg MN is full of discriminatory comments about boomers.
I cant stand any form of discrimination.

You are being an ass. They are your parents.

Also it’s ONLY AN HOUR!! We drive 7 twice a month to see mine (yes one way).

i don’t know why it is, but kids go to parents. We went to my grandparents house, now I go to parents. It’s going home, where as parents may feel like they are intruding, or they just get fussy in their old age and comfortable at home - that is fine and respectable.

your comments around public transport. Then you should take it! People watching will entertain the kids.

costs - come on! Here again you are being unreasonable. The cost of two hours round trip is minimal - or you have chosen a gas guzzler and can afford it. Plus you are probably being fed while there, offset cost right there.

your parents driving- this is where you are being crazy, self centred and unreasonable. If your parents are at the age where they are choosing not to drive they are doing a service to everyone!! My grandfather couldn’t feel his feet, had Parkinson’s, and didn’t give up his truck till a mysterious dent appeared in it. My old land lady couldn’t turn her head, covered the vehicle with reflective tape, 100% should not have been driving. So thank you to your parents for giving up their licence. Parents often won’t keep their kids abreast of health issues, so please give them some grace on this.

if you want them to be coming over more, invite them more. ‘Hey I’m making a roast on Tuesday, can you come? Stay the night?’ Or kids have extracurriculars then have them meet you at a middle location.

Read my replies - they haven’t given up their licence. They’re more than capable of getting public transport. It’s not a health issue. They’ve had numerous invitations. It’s not practical for them to meet in the middle/there isn’t much to do.

How well do you your parents get on with your children? Do they have a strong relationship?

I come from a very dysfunctional family so I can relate to your posts. I don't think you're being unreasonable.

My parents kept me away from my grandparents, I only saw them about once a year at best. When I was a teenager/young adult I felt they were alienating me from them. However now as an older adult and parent myself, I can understand why they did what they did! My grandparents were definitely worse than my parents and also of the couldn't be bothered persuasion!

My parents were not great parents to me but they are good grandparents to my daughter. The difference in my case is they are actively involved and and arrangements work both ways.

If I were in your situation I think I would address it directly with my parents and say that they are welcome to see my children and have a relationship with them, but we need to take it in turns for visits as you are under a lot of pressure from various demands. Ask if there's anything that is preventing them visiting or they are worried about. Perhaps it can be solved. Or perhaps they just can't be bothered! Either way the proof will be in the pudding. If you speak to them directly and nothing happens then you know the problem is with them.

Ultimately you know your parents best and you know what's best for your children. Whatever decision you make, you need to make sure you're happy with it and can justify it to your children should they ask later (not written in an accusatory way, but if they are like me they will probably ask!). I hope this can be resolved and solidarity for managing with parents who aren't great!

Thank you for your understanding. This is good advice to move things forward. Since starting this thread I have invited them over but they declined as they’ve got plans which is fair enough. I’ll try and do it a bit more in advance next time. They did say they will sort something out soon so we shall see. I have heard this a lot. If it doesn’t happen I’ll go visit them and speak to them about coming over to us next time. I do want my children to have a relationship with them it’s just lack of effort on their part / the practicalities of visiting them that make it difficult for me.

I know people think I’m unreasonable and everyone on here seems to have the time but I can’t express how little time we actually have to make that journey on a regular basis.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all!

My MIL works and still pops over at least once a fortnight to see my DD (FIL has some health issues so prefers to stay at home) and we visit them once a month or so at their house.

My own mum rarely even bothers to check in on us to see how we are, let alone comes to visit us. To add context, we have not had a falling out, she just isn’t bothered about anyone who isn’t my younger sister or her kids (I’m one of 5 kids). She doesn’t work but does drive.

My mum speaks to YS daily and visits her every week on a Sunday. Is ALWAYS babysitting for her etc. I’ve asked her to watch my son (7) 4 times in his life and she has cancelled on me all 4 times (once was for a funeral, luckily I was prepped and double booked babysitter).
I used to take my son to visit her (40 minutes away) fairly regularly too, but got fed up of being the only one making the effort for their relationship (I don’t care that she isn’t bothered about me, but he’s a child!).

so no, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. The effort should be reciprocated, not just expected of you all of the time.

Your post makes me feel very sad.
l am a grandparent who hardly sees my grandchildren.
Their parents are both very busy and both work so l only see them once in a while. I can’t drive (couldn’t afford lessons and l was a carer for my mum)and live an hours and a half’s drive away
l think you have to think of the children, surely it’s better for them to see their grandparents no matter who is making the effort?
So many children don’t have grandparents so if it were me l would make the effort.

Do you travel to see them?

When I was little we lived in another country and required a visa and a 15h train journey to visit my grandparents. They came maybe once in 9 years but my mum used to take me to theirs for Christmas and summer holidays without a fail. I had a wonderful time with them and hate to think what would happen if my mum thought it was unreasonable for her to make an effort. I entertained myself fine on the train too with a couple of books and home baked goodies grandma packed for the journey back.

I'm a big fan of the saying "roads go both ways" when it comes to one-sided family visits. But I do also feel that some allowances should be made for the elderly.

But perhaps the GPs are happy with the current level of contact, and see no reason to change? Have they said they want to see more of the boys? What were their own experiences of having/being kids and seeing grandparents?
Personally, I didn't see my grandparents much growing up. They weren't much more than the nice old people I saw a couple of times a year. 2 of them had passed just before I made double digits in age. The other 2 made it into my late teens.

I agree with you and I’m in the same boat. 1 set of grandparents make 0 effort, to the point it’s my little ones birthday and they asked what to get. I said what we got and they just bought a cheaper version of what we already bought. They don’t call unless we call and they’re semi retired and have plenty of money (which annoys me because they buy cheap plastic toys or just give hand me downs that are already on their way out - 1st Christmas they bought a cheap hand me down that was scuffed and scratched and had material coming off of it). We have a toddler, cats and work full time so I don’t feel we should make effort to drag everything 3.5 hours away when they don’t even make an effort to call and check on our toddler. YANBU.

If public transport is quicker, cheaper and easier than driving, why not visit them that way yourself? Then when you leave, simply suggest a date for them to return visit to you next time. If you actually want them to visit, which sounds unlikely as you don't seem to like them.

GP get free bus passes so travel for them is free. They also don’t have to cart children around with them on the public transport.
Travelling as adults is a lot easier than when you are taking care of others.

If I didn’t have kids the idea of jumping on a train, book in my hand and a coffee, sounds like bliss! In reality I’d have to lug a pushchair and two young children with all their stuff. Why would I even do this when I have a car?! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nothing about public transport is easier when you have small children. The distance to and from the stations would take also me twice as long as an adult on their own. I’ve no doubt someone will be along soon to tell me how they only use public transport and have kids.

My grandparents had a lot of issues (alcohol etc) so sometimes I’d see them regularly other times not for months. It was a complicated situation and as an adult I did not have a relationship with this set of grandparents.

My parents chain smoke continuously and inside their property which is another factor. If we’ve been out for meals I rarely see them as they’re always outside smoking. Drives me nuts.

yanbu. we have the same problem with all the grandparents.
I disagree with all the people who are saying it should be all down to you to go backwards and forwards.
In my oppinion there is absolutely no excuse for absent grandparents nowadays. They don't necessarily need to travel back and forth to have a relationship with their grandchildren they can pick up the phone and call then. send messages, photos and even face time them or even send them an old fashioned letter (I bet the children will love that) .
They can get to know their grandchildren without traveling and then when the children do get to see them it will be a lovely treat and exciting. but with no communication or effort they won't know who they are and they won't ever want to see them because they will feel awkward.
Believe me I know because that is what has happened to us and its a real shame . Infact I think our Grandparents are worse because they make an effort with all the other grandchildren just not ours! and my children do notice this. Good luck I hope they start to make an effort soon.

100% we are in a similar boat, but just one set of grandparents make no effort. It’s my little ones birthday and the grandparents that make no effort are coming down and it’ll be awkward because my little one has no idea who they are and screams (even when we video call - I am the one who initiates the calls - she screams at the phone to the point I have to leave the room). They think they’re wonderful in their own mind, the other set of grandparents my little one thinks the world of and constantly talks about. It’ll be awkward them being together and seeing the different reactions and the fact my little one has no idea who her 2nd set of grandparents are.

You are being an ass. They are your parents.

Name-calling.. very mature 🙄

So they’re her parents.. what does that matter? Doing the basics of parenting doesn’t mean your children always have to cater to you because you don’t want to make the journey to visit your own grandchildren. It should go both ways unless the parents have health and mobility issues, which they don’t. It’s way easier to travel with another adult than with small children.