To think DH’s idea of pooled family finances is too extreme

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DH hates the idea of separate finances, not only within the household but also with his parents. They live on another continent but their money is ours and ours theirs, there is no distinction on who pays for large purchases/flights to visit each other and any other expenses while travelling etc, meals out, holidays etc. I’ve gotten used to this over the years.

However we now have DC who, via my side of the family, have been exposed to the idea of having their own money. DH hates the idea of ‘my money’, even inter-generational. And strongly believes as an extended family everything should be shared and it’s all collectively ‘our’ money (richer or poorer..).
He wants DC (7 and 5) to be taught the same principles but I think this may be difficult.
By contrast my parents have separate finances, bank accounts, I grew up with my own pocket money etc.

DH doesn’t mind DC being given cash (though he’d prefer not at this age) but he doesn’t want them to think it’s theirs alone and they should be happy to share it with the family.

this sounds insane TBH

Er...I would not be happy with this.

This is cultural, isn't it?

Very odd.... .... .... 🤔

agree this sounds insane. What about when they have partners? I have no idea why you were so comfortable with this but the odds that your children’s partners will be too is TINY. Why don’t your feelings matter here? Your feelings are obviously not unreasonable since they are how just about everyone thinks.

It is a cultural difference, yes. But I think it will be difficult to teach our DC these values growing up in UK.

Not really. Not much distinction between my mum and my finances. I pay for her flights, her meals etc when she visits. This is the norm in other cultures. Though of course you are entitled to be unhappy with it.

That's crazy! sorry - DH and I have always shared all our money but no way would anyone else have access to it. No in-laws, mothers and fathers or siblings just a massive no.

It sounds cultural, and also in sprite not a bad thing. However I think money can be physically seperate and assigned to individuals and available for the whole family.

In regards to your children could they a bit of their own and have an amount assigned to the family which they can help figure out how to spend like a budget for a day out or new toy everyone can play

Some people 'tax' their children's money to teach them about it and this is pooled between all the children and matched by the parents for such things

Other cultures think the UK practice of charging your children rent is insane;)

I don’t pool my finances with my partner, I believe distinction in finances is vitally important for women.

There is absolutely no way I’d agree with this set up. I’d leave.

I should clarify that of course I have separate accounts from my extended family, But if they visit, I am the host and I pay for mostly everything. Or sometimes I visit and they pay for everything. No hard divide. Unless anyone is earning significantly less or retired.

I won't be charging my kids rent either. Even if we live in the UK.

At what point does this stop? How do you even calculate what is earmarked for where and if you need larger purchases - sounds insane!

I could live like that - people have different wants and needs. At what point does your DH suggest the children are given access to the family pot?

Hoe are they to learn to be responsible for their own money? IE buying treats, saving so for something special?

Just no.

And - I wouldn’t give my children money to be shared with their partners family? I’d rather keep it for the grandkids later - they wouldn’t be spending my hard earned cash on a meal out

I think it's normal for the higher earner between a parent and an adult child to pay for stuff, but it is weird as hell to actually pool money.

It's also weird as hell to take money off your young DC.

If you need to charge them rent/board once they're out of full-time education because you can't afford for them to live with you otherwise, that's fine. But taking money off them whilst they're in primary school? No.

God. I'd worry they'd end up in a controlling relationship where their partner took all their money, and they thought that was normal.

Yanbu but neither is he. They are just different cultural perspectives.

My DH grew up in a similar culture. We have found our own compromises over the years.

Yes. My DC are older, but they did summer jobs to earn their own money, which they keep.

Collective societies in countries with no welfare state- where the family held you up- versus individualistic societies where you can afford to draw a line between you and the family.

I think a good compromise is that you both present your own personal views in this and discuss how people can have different beliefs and values.

Explain that when they grow up that it will be entirely their choice and they can have their own beliefs and values that are important to them.

This is very interesting because I’ve never heard of pooled finances between generations before.

How does it work? I mean, between you and DH you have the legal protection of marriage and you would inherit from him and he would inherit from you take free (assuming you are in the U.K. or there are similar laws?).
What happens with his parents? - what when they die? - how do you determine what assets they had to then get passed down and potentially taxed? And who owns what property? Do you co-own their house and they co-own yours? Are there any siblings? Because you do you have to have pooled finances with them too?

And when does it end? So if there are grandparents alive does it go back then? If his parents have two or three children, how many families are actually pooling resources?

I definitely do pooled finances in a family unit.. in the sense that me and DH only have “our” money. But I don’t get how it would work with parents and siblings.

he doesn’t want them to think it’s theirs alone and they should be happy to share it with the family.

Poor kids. He doesn't see them as individuals who are allowed to make their own choices in life.

I personally would find this insane. Cultural difference it may be, but to me it blurrs any boundaries and would be a complete invasion of privacy.

Absolutely no way would I allow my in-laws or parents that kind of access to my/our finances. I simply couldn't live with that at all.

I share some finances with my DH but not 100%, we each like to have our own as well. Anything more is going too far and I just wouldn't tolerate it at all.

No way. Does your dh have siblings? Are they all dipping from the same common pot as your parents. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

What culture is this?

Most cultures outside the West. It's really not as freaky as posters think it is. And probably not as formal either. My mum doesn't co-own my house! Nor does my sibling. But if either of them needed money for anything important, I would be giving it as a gift. Not a loan. And vice-versa. Years ago, DH was ill and had to take time off work. His parents offered us money. As a gift. We did not take it. But we could have.

Obviously the whole system depends on trust and can go badly wrong if people take advantage.

These are the types of differences you address even before getting married or at least when newly wed not after you have kids. It’s going to be tough now you’ve gone along with it for a while but you will have to insist and maybe find some compromise or something.

I know it’s cultural but given your parents aren’t getting the same benefits I don’t understand why this works for you?

But anyway, talk to him and a compromise for how you bring up the kids.