To think DH’s idea of pooled family finances is too extreme

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DH hates the idea of separate finances, not only within the household but also with his parents. They live on another continent but their money is ours and ours theirs, there is no distinction on who pays for large purchases/flights to visit each other and any other expenses while travelling etc, meals out, holidays etc. I’ve gotten used to this over the years.

However we now have DC who, via my side of the family, have been exposed to the idea of having their own money. DH hates the idea of ‘my money’, even inter-generational. And strongly believes as an extended family everything should be shared and it’s all collectively ‘our’ money (richer or poorer..).
He wants DC (7 and 5) to be taught the same principles but I think this may be difficult.
By contrast my parents have separate finances, bank accounts, I grew up with my own pocket money etc.

DH doesn’t mind DC being given cash (though he’d prefer not at this age) but he doesn’t want them to think it’s theirs alone and they should be happy to share it with the family.

Are you looking for a way out of this arrangement?

no it works very well for me. I’ve mentioned this in lots of posts

What is BIL and his Wife putting in?

they both work full time and have good salaries (by India standards). SILs family also gave us very generous gifts and cash when they married. They will regularly pay for flights/travel etc and pay for very nice meals/holidays for us all. They do contribute a lot to all our lifestyles.

That sounds like madness to me. It doesn't sound like PIL put much into the pot but OP still needs to get approval to make a purchase.

Gifts from the bridal family to the in laws is the dowry isn’t it? This is a patriarchy thing. Wife’s family have to bring something to the table to show she’s worthy of marrying, this mindset is alive and well in the sub continent. It’s an expectation they come with gifts. You’re either really naive or just covering up the reality of it. My wealthy parents didn’t give my in laws a dowry as even in my patriarchal community this is seen as a backward practice designed to hurt women and devalue them. What about dh’s sisters, are they part of it as well or do they go to their in laws? Will Dh sisters inherit from their father? You know often the daughters don’t receive an Inheritance from their parents because the expectation is they are the husband’s family’s property so giving them any money will be pointless as it will go to the in laws. So only the brothers inherit.

You say divorce doesn’t happen often, so women are often trapped, that’s the reality. And you’re ok with this system? You live abroad in the west, away from fil and earn far more money than fil, so they will be on their best behaviour as they don’t want to be cut off. See it all the time. If they lived with you things would be different. I’m surprised you’re not from the same culture, as you seem too accepting of this status quo and as a British born Asian myself having seen the damage myself to women in these situations irl I’m surprised this is something you’re happy with. Is your sil happy about this? Is she able to walk away? If she is brought up in that country then she’s a product of the environment so won’t ask too many questions but I can’t imagine anyone brought up in the U.K. wanting that life. But then you’re not completely happy as your Dh wants to also control your kids’ money so what will happen then, will he listen to you or listen to his df who no doubt is calling the shots, see the hierarchy I mentioned earlier.

Things are always great until they go tits up. My parents and family came to this country for security and more so security of finances, less corruption etc and independence for women, they’d be horrified if my Dh family were expecting to have a piece of my family’s wealth when contributing very little themselves. And even if contributing equally, it just isn’t worth the trouble when you have rights to autonomy and independence, should things get messy people get divorced etc someone gets greedy it’s human nature to not always follow rules and some are more
inclined than others, you just can’t predict who. you seem to turn a blind eye and say this doesn’t happen here so isn’t a problem.

My parents would never take money from us or expect shared money but we do make sure we look after eachother and our parents/in laws in old age. It doesn’t have to be one extreme to the other and rejecting joint finances doesn’t mean you’re going to charge your kids rent and stick your parent in a nursing home. Doesn’t have to be either extreme.

Gifts from the bridal family to the in laws is the dowry isn’t it? This is a patriarchy thing. Wife’s family have to bring something to the table to show she’s worthy of marrying, this mindset is alive and well in the sub continent. It’s an expectation they come with gifts. You’re either really naive or just covering up the reality of it.

they were gifts - SILs family didn’t ‘have’ to give anything, but yes traditionally there is an imbalance between the gifts given to each side at wedding. But BIL would have been very happy if they hadn’t done this honestly. And certainly I didn’t bring a penny when DH and I married, and my parents didn’t contribute to Just credit card debt and a student loan.

i chose to marry DH. IMO Very very unlikely to divorce.

This is puzzling me too. If both families subscribe to this collective idea then on marriage does it just expand the available pot? Eventually all the pots would be joined and all the money would be freely available to eveyone, Marx would be thrilled!

My parents are the other end of the extreme. They don’t even have a joint account. They charged me rent from 16. Want to pay for what they at in a restaurant etc….neither is ideal. Hopefully our own DC will find a middle ground. Our current set up works really well which is why DH will be keen to continue it with our own DC….but it’s just very unrealistic to expect this from them. DH is worried the influence my parents, friends etc will have and they won’t want to share anything when they are older. My own siblings (who we are very close to) are very relaxed with sharing and don’t worry about splitting bills etc, so hopefully DC will learn from this approach.

It's a dowry though however you phrase it ....why else would parents need a gift for their kids getting married? Unless BIL got the gifts it makes no difference what he thought, his controlling family (male elders) decided again if this was a family in the UK everyone would be saying coercive control whether you think you would ever leave makes no difference because the women in the family can't can they? Especially in India I'm guessing as no DA support over there.

The expectations come from the elders and the community, not the individual sons etc so it’s irrelevant what he wants. There is a huge pressure for the women’s families to contribute. Nobody is holding a gun to their head but so many do it, women are killed because of it, again you sound very naive here. If you weren’t from the culture and are residing in the west then you already hold some privileges over the sil, so of course your parents wouldn’t be coughing up a dowry as they don’t follow the same traditions and even so you’re less likely to need to bring a dowry if you have other things to bring, security of a job in the west and associated perks. You chose to marry him so you won’t divorce? Have you read the threads on here? But of course if you’re in a family where divorce just doesn’t happen then it would be anything but amicable so best to stay together right? Anyway this is your life we are just offering our perspectives, I care about women’s rights and particularly in my culture I care about the women that get screwed over in these set ups, I honestly hope you and your sil have nothing to worry about and any daughters your husband expects to follow these traditions so rigidly.

@jannier spot on

Normally parents want better things for their children I wouldn't want mine growing up effectively imprisoned financially to the whims of extended family unable to get out.

Things aren’t adding up here. If she’s from a completely different culture and upbringing where parents counted every penny I’m surprised her Dh would want to marry her. The men who are hell bent on following these traditions tend to marry women from back home who will also be under cultural pressure to maintain the status quo, I don’t know any of these men that marry British women, the ones that do tend to marry their cousins etc ensuring the wealth stays in the family.

OP be careful of your Dh alienating your kids from your parents, this is controlling where he’s ‘worried’ about your parents ‘bad influence’ on your kids. Although you seem to maintain that this system works well so I’m not sure why you’re questioning it for your kids -if it ain’t broke, why fix it, why question it where your kids are concerned, just go along with it? If it works for you being brought up the way you have then surely your kids are more likely to accept it? Unless you can see future problems then of course ensure your kids are taught about financial autonomy and risks etc.

If she’s from a completely different culture and upbringing where parents counted every penny I’m surprised her Dh would want to marry her. The men who are hell bent on following these traditions tend to marry women from back home who will also be under cultural pressure to maintain the status quo, I don’t know any of these men that marry British women, the ones that do tend to marry their cousins etc ensuring the wealth stays in the family.

DH is certainly not ‘he’ll bent’ on following every tradition, and his family have supported him where him and I have done things differently to what they’d expect.
e.g. we lived together, went on holidays together before we married, he also introduced me to all family and friends before we were engaged. He took shared parental leave when DS2 was born and I went back to work early. SIL and I openly drink alcohol at family events. Eyes are sometimes raised by PILs friends but they support us. The joined finances work well for us, it’s one thing that DH feels quite strongly about (not sharing / saying ‘this is mine’). It’s like ‘for better/for worse’ but between generations which I don’t think is a bad thing either, our only issue is that he thinks it will be easy for DC to do the same as us and I don’t.

So the mortgage is yours and oh and you both pay it....you both pay all household expenses including 6 months of in law's visits....because they supported oh through uni....did they support BIL? They sold their house to buy BIL a house in India...struggling to see exactly where anything is coming your way....a few holidays but wouldn't you be paying for and choosing a holiday if you didn't put so much into the pot?

When I talk about traditions I mean the ones that directly benefit the patriarchy. You and your sil drinking won’t take away from the patriarchy in anyway, nor will him being a present father. I’m talking about the men who actually make the rules and if one of you do do divorce then what, it seems like once you leave you’re basically fucked. If you found out sil wanted to escape abuse from your bil, would you help her escape or would you be bound by the rules of your in laws and remain loyal to them. I can see that you are happy with this pooling of incomes but your op paint a picture that this is all about what Dh wants, you give the impression it’s out of your hands and it’s the rules of dh’s family that you have to follow and not the other way around.

I don’t know any of these men that marry British women, the ones that do tend to marry their cousins etc ensuring the wealth stays in the family
the wealth stays in the family and any genetic defects become concentrated😬

it seems like once you leave you’re basically fucked. If you found out sil wanted to escape abuse from your bil, would you help her escape or would you be bound by the rules of your in laws and remain loyal to them.

there are no ‘rules of my in laws’ that I or SIL are bound by. And FIL is definitely not in any way more dominant than any of us when it comes to making decisions about money.

People keep taking about divorce, DH and I’d relationship is rock solid. Sorry if I’ve in any way given the impression that it’s not.

however as a hypothetical scenario im very close to MIL and BIL. I truly can’t see them taking DHs side if we ever separated (unless I was to blame like I’d had an affair or something). They wouldn’t ever cut me off, the DC relationship would be a priority, they treat our DC like their own kids and wouldn’t be without them.

I wouldn’t be fucked - I have qualifications, a decent salary and stable job, savings in an account in my name, family car is in my name, a good pension, jointly own a house. I don’t understand how this is a vulnerable or risky financial position to be in?

however as a hypothetical scenario im very close to MIL and BIL. I truly can’t see them taking DHs side if we ever separated (unless I was to blame like I’d had an affair or something). They wouldn’t ever cut me off, the DC relationship would be a priority, they treat our DC like their own kids and wouldn’t be without them.

You are being naive, they will drop you like a ton of bricks and try to keep your DC. Blood thicker than water, son more valuable than daughter and def DIL.

What you are describing is close to a joint family setup albeit long distance. If you are happy with it, then that's fine. It can work very well - but keep your wife-money "stree-dhan" safe.

Regarding your kids, just go up a generation... is there the same expectation from the uncles and aunts? (FIL's brothers... etc.) If no, then that is what happens with your kids. i.e, they don't share the money-pot with their uncles family, only with their parents. They can still be close but no need to be that close.

Ah like the royal family and our dear queen, then.Plus most of the aristocracy.

In-laws always drop you like a ton of bricks.

My ex's family never even spoke to me again, and he was the one who cheated. Don't be naive. Every woman who has ever been in a long-term relationship has felt that things are solid and that the people around her are reasonable.

You have savings and a pension in your own name? How much savings and pensions does he have in his name? Or, more accurately, how much would he have in his own name if he divorced you? Wouldn't he just move everything to his parents' name so on paper, he had nothing and then make a claim for half of your savings? Potentially, he could even claim part of your pension...

Or, more accurately, how much would he have in his own name if he divorced you? Wouldn't he just move everything to his parents' name so on paper, he had nothing and then make a claim for half of your savings? Potentially, he could even claim part of your pension...

That is a very good point.
Op seems to want to defend the way they operate but opened up the thread become something - the kids money being involved - is crossing a line.

Her DH seems to want to train them to support their parents / grandparents but really Op & DH need to get it into their heads that the kids might prefer to support themselves rather than be involved in family money.

Ops DH needs to be putting a higher percentage into his own pension not be reliant on his kids supporting him.

It sounds like OP is happy with the set up and I don't see where control or financial abuse comes in here based on what she has said. It's basically just extending what a lot of couples do (ie pooling finances) to the parents as well.

Regarding your actual question op, I'd tell Dh that:

1. All of you adults agreed to this set up but the kids haven't. You can't decide how they deal with their finances.

1. Kids learn several things from having their own money:

A) how to budget and account for things
B) to value money (and things!!!) And how difficult it is to earn it and to save it
C) sense of responsibility
D) how to be generous and to share. They are not being generous or sharing if the money doesn't really belong to them in the first place or they don't have full control over it
E) to keep it safe
G) to value hard work
H) to understand your privilege of having money and not living in poverty

There are so many things that having your own money can teach you.

1. Your parents want that the money they give your kids is exclusively their money for their own use

I come from an Indian family and my parents very much take the view that all their money is also my money (not the other way round though...). As a child I did get pocket money officially but they mostly forgot to give it to me and I forgot to ask them. If I wanted change I took it from a little common box and if I wanted more than that they just gave it to me without questions.

I got my first job when I was 15 and I really, really enjoyed earning my own money and budgeting with it. I stopped taking money from my parents (I don't think they noticed) and looked forward every month to what I could buy.

Ever since I've moved out (I work and I'm married with kids) my parents have continued stuffing money down my throat and I really resent it. I want to be proud of the money I earn and contribute. I still am generous with it. If my parents ever needed money or one of my siblings I'd freely give it to them (and they to me) and we don't keep count of who has paid for what (ie rather now everyone wants to be the one to pay as we don't want to take advantage of our loved ones) so I get not making that difference between what is ours and theirs when it comes to family.

For young children, however, j think having their own money is an invaluable lesson.

Also, your husband has to learn to see his kids as individuals who might want to do things differently to him. It's not the point of your post but it's something to be wary of in the future.

From what I've seen in India, us Indians we really struggle with letting our kids (or even parents) grow as individuals and to differentiate from the parents. (And Money is crucial in being independent).

So this might be a good learning experience for your husband in letting his kids do things differently. Your kids are still young but this is a sticking point with many Indian families I know (both in India and abroad), including my own and dh's.

Op, also just saying but I don't think you need to justify your exact set up on here. I think people have given you some important things to think about but please don't feel compelled to answer or explain in detail. You asked a specific question. I hope you get something useful out of this thread back.

Agree with what @WhateverSoup has said. You will get better advice from people of your adopted culture who understand that asking inlaws for their room and board while they stay with you is unacceptable. Its just not going to happen. But you can draw a boundary for your DC.

Oh, I'm not saying the OP is being controlled or financially abused. But I do think it's naive to think this couldn't change overnight because she thinks her relationship is solid. It's also naive to think that a similar setup hasn't trapped other women whose relationships are less solid.

To me, marriage is something that you should want. You should always want to stay with your spouse and never feel like you have no other option but to stay. Having some degree of financial independence, I think, is crucial to this.

I think @WhateverSoup's comments on overbearing families and hindering children's independence are very valid.

We have to let children grow up, and part of that is allowing them to gain financial independence.

I think the OP needs to gently explain to her DH that their kids having their own money and making decisions about their own money is actually a positive thing. It's also something that is normal on her family's side, and it's not right to deny that they have dual heritage.