To think DH’s idea of pooled family finances is too extreme

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DH hates the idea of separate finances, not only within the household but also with his parents. They live on another continent but their money is ours and ours theirs, there is no distinction on who pays for large purchases/flights to visit each other and any other expenses while travelling etc, meals out, holidays etc. I’ve gotten used to this over the years.

However we now have DC who, via my side of the family, have been exposed to the idea of having their own money. DH hates the idea of ‘my money’, even inter-generational. And strongly believes as an extended family everything should be shared and it’s all collectively ‘our’ money (richer or poorer..).
He wants DC (7 and 5) to be taught the same principles but I think this may be difficult.
By contrast my parents have separate finances, bank accounts, I grew up with my own pocket money etc.

DH doesn’t mind DC being given cash (though he’d prefer not at this age) but he doesn’t want them to think it’s theirs alone and they should be happy to share it with the family.

And for your DC, eventually they are going to have to have separate finances to you just my virtue of living in the U.K.? - I mean, will they be expected to pay their wages into your account? How will they ever get a mortgage with pooled finances? - and then the mortgage and house will be just in their name so their assets won’t be pooled anymore?

Will their assets be pooled not only with yours but with grandparents? Would you and other grandparent get a veto over any credit taken out by either DC1 or 2? What if DC1 wanted to borrow money to fund something, would that impact DC2 because all money is pooled?

That’s very very different from what OP is talking about though. There are many families in the west who also help their kids and snarky members eg you do realize many FTB in the UK are buying with parent support?

That is different from pooling your money together with the wider extended family and making buying decisions together. That also means she can be tied to that family eg in the event of marital abuse she isn’t going anywhere as the family will band together against her.

This is nowhere near the norm outside the west.

It sounds bonkers on the face of it, but I actually think it’s a lovely way to think and seems caring and generous.
That said, I don’t think it would work living in this country and the culture we have.

If I was 7 and had unfettered access to the family finances it would be amazing, imagine how many Minecraft blocks I could buy

My family are similar to this. We don’t have one big bank account but we essentially share our assets and finances. We realise it’s quite a unique situation but it works for us and we’ve just always shared finances this way. I invested some money recently but deliberately kept some aside as I knew my sibling would be buying property soon and they’d need access to the funds. In the same breath, I was a few thousand short for a furniture purchase one day and called my sibling from the shop who immediately transferred the money to my account. I returned the funds to them at a later time. We have a very fortunate financial situation that means we are able to support each other and are always helping each other financially. But we have our individual bank accounts and access to our money. Any large financial decisions tends to be a family discussion and decision though. My partner’s family is completely different and they have very separate finances. I don’t think my partner has any idea about what his parents or siblings have in the bank and although he found our situation strange to begin with, he has accepted this and understands it.
Having their own pocket money is a good thing for children to have independence but you can teach them as a family it is important to help and support each other. Sometimes financially you make sacrifices for you family. I think if it’s cultural it’s more difficult but can definitely be adapted to suit UK life. A balance is good!

I'm half Indian, dad is Indian who was very much the dominant force growing up. So I'm used to that weird attempt at balancing conflicting cultural attitudes to saving/money.

Dad had issues with us saying "my" money. Was fair as it worked both ways. But yes, knew our approach was not the norm in the UK.

Dad also encouraged my sibling group to invest together. Has been massively beneficial as we were able to invest in property and generate passive income.

My siblings and I pooled an agreed proportion of our income and decided where to invest. You have to have very open lines of communication. Luckily I know my siblings won't screw me over.

All our partners who married in found it an absolutely mental arrangement at first tbf. Wouldn't have married anyone who wouldn't ultimately support our dynamic.

Pluses and minuses.

So far all the posters describing cultures that have more fluid financial mutual arrangements between family members have not described a massive bank account that everyone dips into.

That is truly strange. Will the bank allow so many account holders/operators?

We also weren't allowed pocket money and I did resent it at the time when friends would save up and buy "extravagant" items. Having stuff bought for me felt very uncool.

At the end of the day, in the UK we are all treated as individuals for our finances, unless we are a married couple who choose to pool everything. Even then, the allowances/benefits etc still identify you as two different people. I don't think you would be fair to your DC not to teach them how things are over here, as they will need to learn about budgeting and how money works.

Helping family in times of need sounds lovely, and is a different thing from pooled finances. But you won't be doing your DC any favours if they aren't at least taught about the western way of doing things. As PPs have said - they will need individual finances for credit scores and mortgages etc - and most people would probably think that it would also help teach them about budgeting and being sensible with money. Especially if they go to uni?

I also think that children can learn a good work ethic if they see money coming in from their efforts? They also then learn what they really want to spend money on, whether its good value, whether they really want that thing enough to work five more hours to get it, etc. My friend's son realised that it was two days work to buy a pair of trainers, and then decided he didn't actually want them that badly . I accept that your DHs culture may have different ways to instill those skills, but certainly my teenagers are very motivated by pay!

You can't give a child full access to family finances! Never mind a teen! I would say a good life lesson for your DH though, when you're all living on leftovers when the DC have spent everything.

I was listening to something about narcissistic mothers, where the daughter used to save her school dinner money and give it to her mother to spend at the weekend on alcohol. This is reminding me of that.

I really don’t see how this can be fare to the whole family unless the whole family are doing it.
Your parents are not. So this is very biased towards your dh family.
And now your dh wants your children to do the same and continue sharing everything they have equally with again his family.
No.
Definitely not

But surely you knew about this and discussed it with him before you got married, and certainly before you had children? YABU
to complain about it now like it’s the first time you heard about it.

I expect you'd need to make some special arrangement for multiple people to have authority to access a bank account in UK especially if the extended family were domiciled outside UK. In fact I doubt it would meet regulatory standards.

Can you imagine greedy family members having unfettered access to parents' bank account. Carnage.

Does he have siblings? I can ALMOST imagine having this with parents, but cannot imagine how it could possibly if he had a sibling that was also included in this. Where does it stop? Does he think your siblings are entitled to his money and him theirs?

Absolutely, then there will be no issues re the school trips for skiing etc as family pot time!

Op I think you need to stand up for your DC. They need to have their own money that is theirs alone. Actually your parents should open bank accounts for them and remain the trustees for them.

I think the pooled money idea is so open to abuse. I can see how it works if there is plenty money but really if your on a tight budget then I think it would be a complete nightmare.

Do you have any independence at all?
I mean how does it even work does everyone have the same budget for clothing?

If you need to claim benefits how does that work?

Is it also typical that the sons inherit everything and the daughters nothing?

Be very careful as you to are open to abuse.

Hell to the no

What if you need or want a new car, can you dip into their money for £6000 to help you get it. Or is there a conference about what kind of car and it's uses?
Sounds like Hippy nonsense, like being in a commune.

Is his family surname Pot?

I think that you can be sensitive to the cultural context without stopping the kids having pocket money.

The starting point for this would be discussion I think - explain to them how family finances work and how you all share everything. Then explain that they’re old enough to be involved in the choosing about the sharing. Let them make independent decisions about £2 per week. Do we save or spend it?

If save then it goes in their piggy bank for them to look after, if spend then it’s their choice for how.

DH needs to respect that the choice sits with them so he can’t dip into their piggy bank without discussion, in the same way that he wouldn’t sell his parents house without discussing. But you also need to respect that the choice sits with them so if they buy chocolate to share with the family then that’s their choice.

this is brilliant 😁

on a more serious note, surely you can only give what is yours, not take what is others, so any attempt to enforce this is Dad saying “everything i have is at your disposal”, and trying to model good standards to his children. You can’t say “all your pocket money is ours” because that’s not his decision to make, it’s the children’s.

A friend has been happily married for over 40 years - her husband's a really nice easy going chap. In the early years things nearly hit the buffers as he thought it OK to help finance various cousins etc with their business ventures/studies. It caused problems but like a pp has said they come to a workable compromise and all has been well.

The important bit though is the husband himself was financed through medical school in the same family-funded way.

This doesn't sound the same as the OP at all.

What happens when there is a disagreement in the family , or a divorce . This set up seems too easy for a person (usually a woman ) to be able to be controlled by someone else when or if it all goes wrong within the family.