To think DH’s idea of pooled family finances is too extreme

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DH hates the idea of separate finances, not only within the household but also with his parents. They live on another continent but their money is ours and ours theirs, there is no distinction on who pays for large purchases/flights to visit each other and any other expenses while travelling etc, meals out, holidays etc. I’ve gotten used to this over the years.

However we now have DC who, via my side of the family, have been exposed to the idea of having their own money. DH hates the idea of ‘my money’, even inter-generational. And strongly believes as an extended family everything should be shared and it’s all collectively ‘our’ money (richer or poorer..).
He wants DC (7 and 5) to be taught the same principles but I think this may be difficult.
By contrast my parents have separate finances, bank accounts, I grew up with my own pocket money etc.

DH doesn’t mind DC being given cash (though he’d prefer not at this age) but he doesn’t want them to think it’s theirs alone and they should be happy to share it with the family.

OP, I think your way in to discuss this helpfully with your DH will be to focus on where it rubs up against the UK system. Inheritance tax in particular, once he understands how that works he may start to see that eventually you need to have at least some finances a little bit separate between the generations to avoid unnecessary problems and taxation. Benefits is of course another relevant area but in the context he is used to may prove rather woolly.

It may also be useful to him to understand that the underlying principles are actually not uncommon in our own society, just that actual implementation varies a lot. Both sets of our parents have helped us freely and if needed we would help back. My sister and I have some joint investments initially funded by our parents. My mother has given significant support in the past to her nephew, a couple of times to the absolute limit of her means at the time.

I would tell your Dh that the children, like many things in life, will be taught different ways to manage money and it will be up to them to decide.

I would then be bending over backwards to ensure they understand the very many downsides to his approach, especially for women. Men typically are paid better and have more disposable income. Does he control the finances in your house OP? Do you discuss bug purchases or just buy what you like? What say dies his mother have in in-law finances?

Kids have got to learn the value of money though. As a pp says, are you going to just give them a debit card linked to your bank account? Of course not because they don't understand that money has to pay bills as well as fun stuff.

For me, the easiest way to teach them is give them pocket money and let them waste it and eventually they'll want something expensive and realise they could have had it if they hadn't spent £££ on crap in the preceding weeks...

Whilst to me the practice seems unusual, i understand that for many it isn't and of course there are benefits to the mindset and practice.

However, what happens if you are widowed and everything you own is pooled. If at any point your inlaws attitude towards you changed then you would be left high and dry. How would you be protected in the event of a relationship breakdown? Does he have siblings? If so what happens when his parents die.

Also, if raising your children in Britain they will make the demands to be the same as their peers particularly once they hit high school. As well as a mobile phone they will want a revolut card with their pocket money on it etc. You risk making them really miserable and alienating them if your husband insists on this approach directly.

Id say the compromise is to pool some family money but not all.

Yes, you are right. The OP hasn't clarified, so I am not sure what she means, or how far the money is pooled. We may be talking about two different things.

It would be odd if the kids could dip into the joint account to buy Minecraft!:)

Does it affect your ability to live comfortably, mean you can’t afford your bills, leaving you short for food shopping and general spending money? If not then it sounds like a different set up from traditional norms in the UK but not a bad one. But at the end of the day you’re the one in the situation and the only one that can say whether you’re ok with it or not. Teaching your children their cultural norms isn’t a bad thing though, plenty of families within the uk don’t follow British traditions.

Yeah. I'm stunned you've coped when you've been brought up so differently.

DH doesn’t mind DC being given cash (though he’d prefer not at this age) but he doesn’t want them to think it’s theirs alone and they should be happy to share it with the family.

So the adults can access the account & spend on what they like, but the kids can only be given cash by an adult which they must then share (with the adults?)

So who actually pays money in & who has access?

H0w will they learn value for money. When they want to buy something for themselves how will they. When they want a car and a house is the family just going to buy it for them?

What happens when they share their.money with a partner they've been with for 5 minutes because that's what you taught them.

This is madness.

Exactly. Noone is saying you cant help family out, but you can still do that with seperate finances. Its not either/or. I would be deeply uncomfortable with in laws having access to money I put in my account like wages etc. Its not because I dont want to help them, its because I like having control over my finances and there are legal ramifications to it aswell. I understand its cultural but you also have a right to your own cultural preferences aswell, there has to be some compromise here otherwise its all just what he wants isnt it? thats hardly fair in a marriage.

This only works with complete trust on all sides.

I wouldn't do it at all ever, so well done for living with it.

I don't have any suggestions ref the children's money it seems unfair to expect kids to fund other people's stuff unless they know they're fair share is always available, which they wouldn't cos sh1t can hit the fan at any time.

Actually your family can have an account for the kids that thry hold can't they? Maybe that's the answer so any money from DHs family/friends or from you is pooled, but any money from your family is not.

This. This is setting them up to be financially taken advantage of in later life. Why cant the kids have automony over their own money? are they allowed to choose their own careers? are they controlled in other ways? This comes across as really controlling, cultural or not.

I actually think there is something very bonding and lovely about sharing resources. However I would be concerned about my children’s future security with no boundaries being taught around money. People often live together unmarried in the U.K., what happens then? And divorce? Sibling resources.

There is a compromise here somewhere -

thanks for all the replies!

in answer to some of the questions:

DH has one brother (married, no DC) - set up is similar and we do mix spend (travel/holidays/flights) with them too.

in-laws are retired - FIL was self employed so no pension. MIL has a private pension (50% of her final salary).

property - there is a home in the U.K. which is in mine and DH names - mortgaged. PILs stay with us for up to 6 months each year. Household expenses are paid using mine and DH’s salaries.

another property in India (previously in in laws names, has been sold and cash used towards a property in BIL’s name (mortgaged). In-laws live there with them when they are not in U.K.

we do move money between countries if needed, but we haven’t needed to in recent years as there is suffice by income in both India and U.K.

TBH I’m more worried about the mismatch between DH’s family and what my DC will be surrounded by as they grow up, and whether it’s realistic to expect them to follow this approach

This only works with complete trust on all sides

agreed - this is my worry with DC, and any unknown partner they meet when older. It can’t be possible! DH thinks it is!

This may be cultural, but I don't see how it could work. But, then again, my partner and I have happily had separate finances for over 30 years. Young people need financial independence!

People try to dress it up nicely as help, kindness, support to each other but essentially it’s about control. His parents always controlled him this way and now he wants to control his children . He doesn’t see his children as individuals who have their own values, dreams, interests because his parents never saw him this way.
It won’t end well.

How will this work if one of kids grows up and earns more than the other- will they be expected to fund their sibling who earns less? isnt that going to cause massive resentment between them? This has the potential to damage their relationship

This is nuts. I would only ever have a joint account with my partner for joint expenses. It's madness not to have some separate financial security for yourself. And I've never heard of anyone sharing finances with parents in this way.

I am still quite unclear on the specifics about how your DH wants things to work with the DC.

Anyway, people are now going to ask why your inlaws stay with you for 6 months a year and why they can't go to a hotel for 2 weeks.:)

Yes, I personally think this only works in cultures where academic success is more important than personal goals.

Sounds like a good way to insure everyone toes the family line with no ability to become truly independent not much different to joining a religious organizations where you voluntarily hand over your wealth for the good of all. Apart from this is coerced

Certainly does.

All it takes is one selfish bugger to decide they want the capital to start their own business/ support their child through a 7-year university course to become an architect/ invest in property/ put a big bet on a "dead cert" and the entire family is plunged into poverty.

Crackers!