To think DH’s idea of pooled family finances is too extreme

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DH hates the idea of separate finances, not only within the household but also with his parents. They live on another continent but their money is ours and ours theirs, there is no distinction on who pays for large purchases/flights to visit each other and any other expenses while travelling etc, meals out, holidays etc. I’ve gotten used to this over the years.

However we now have DC who, via my side of the family, have been exposed to the idea of having their own money. DH hates the idea of ‘my money’, even inter-generational. And strongly believes as an extended family everything should be shared and it’s all collectively ‘our’ money (richer or poorer..).
He wants DC (7 and 5) to be taught the same principles but I think this may be difficult.
By contrast my parents have separate finances, bank accounts, I grew up with my own pocket money etc.

DH doesn’t mind DC being given cash (though he’d prefer not at this age) but he doesn’t want them to think it’s theirs alone and they should be happy to share it with the family.

This is nuts. I wouldn't be bringing up my children with these beliefs. Your DH lives in the UK but has a foreign mindset. Your DC are born in the UK. How will they feel if as they grow up they see their friends buy houses but they are expected to hand over their money to grandparents they will hardly see? I'm surprised you are happy to hand over everything to in-laws. I would happily help out my MiL if she was struggling but that would be my choice to do that, no pressure from expectations to do so. I know my dh has helped his Mum out a couple of times with her gas bill but he hasn't asked or expected I help to pay towards this. I helped my niece out by giving her a monthly allowance for 4 years whilst she was at uni because I knew my sister could not afford to do so, but I didn't ask or expect DH to contribute, although I expect he would if he had known I did it.

Op what happens when his brother has 5 or 6 kids will you be expected to fund them?

His father had his own business but never put anything aside for a pension so now you DH his brother and wife are funding him?

Be careful, this is absolutely about control. And control of you and DH and a massive amount of control of you

And no I would not be asking kids to put into the pot. They need to be taught to manage their own money.

There are 3 cultures at play here.

Your husband's culture - this appears to be the dominant one that makes all the decisions.
Your culture - not certain what that is or whether it is represented to your children in any way.
The culture your children are living in - this is significant because it is all around them, they are educated in it, will be bound by it's laws and expectations.

Does your husband recognise that it's not just about what he wants?

This is the norm in other cultures and I think its quite offensive for so many posters to scream 'insane'. Of course its not insane, its how many family groups/dynasties function financially and support each others businesses etc etc.

Its certainly not my cup of tea but then I wouldnt have got involved in this in the first place as it doesnt suit me.

You have a massive rub OP if you want things to be different with your own children

Does it affect your ability to live comfortably, mean you can’t afford your bills, leaving you short for food shopping and general spending money?

no, we all live comfortably and there is sufficient for all general spending. Big purchases are discussed and agreed between us all. Furniture/home improvements for either property, flights/holidays etc.

when in-laws are with us they just use keep one of our bank cards to use when out and about, it’s only day-to-day stuff (food/clothes/toiletries) and they wouldn’t need to spend on anything big.

Probably all a bit easier if there's a gazillion quid in the account? So doesn't make any difference if GPs go on a world cruise the month before DC's school fees are due...

What would happen if your parents need extra for some reason? Just seems unequal. If it works for you the fair enough. I couldn't do it.

But then pooling money with my parents would result in it all being spunked in BM Bargains and holidays 😂

Posters are being very dramatic. Nobody does that. And while of course these types of arrangements can be very controlling, they aren't always about control.

My mum never worked- didn't have the opportunity- and she does not have a pension. My dad left her provided for, but if he hadn't, I would provide for her. Absolutely. Cut corners- we are all used to living frugally- but provide.

However, since OP is clearly not of this culture, she should make a break now with her own DC.

You'll get a huge amount of maintenance if you divorced then? I've only heard of this set up in Indian families. It works until it doesn't work.

Yes. And a third of 18-34 year olds live with their parents. Half don't ask their children to contribute anything and the half who do ask their children for £68 per month towards their mortgage or rent, £31 towards bills and £33 towards food on average. How is that different from collective cultures? Working adult children contribute to the household. I've noticed they really love to exaggerate how 'cold' our families are. I think they're more generous if anything, few asks or expectations.

What if you need or want a new car, can you dip into their money for £6000 to help you get it. Or is there a conference about what kind of car and it's uses?

if we wanted/needed a new car and needed £6k and they had it then yes - that’s exactly what would happen. Obviously they would all benefit from this new car 😀

Yeah, you have more pooling than we do. All our big stuff is separate: houses, bank accounts, that kind of thing.

We pool for smaller stuff like holidays or trips or meals out. Can that be a compromise?

You'll get a huge amount of maintenance if you divorced then? I've only heard of this set up in Indian families.

not sure how it would work if we divorced (never considered it until this thread!). Hopefully there would be a separation of finances based on the legal process in the U.K. as that’s where DH and I are based 😀

This is never going to work with your children, particularly when they grown up. Apart from anything else, it's highly likely that their respective partners will agree to it. Your husband needs to start getting used to that fact.

I agree with helping out where possible but I don't think that this means that all money needs to be pooled!

FIL was self employed but no pension.

Well that doesn't follow does it?

Lucky his wife & kids support him them!

I don’t understand how this would work in uk with tax laws. In uk we are taxed as individuals, there would be massive inequalities in this arrangement due to tax and massive inefficiencies potentially in not utilising personal tax allowances

Also from IHT point of view, most of this polled money would count as “gifts” and be subject to gift restrictions if one of people in pool died and had IHT to pay.

similarly benefits are calculated on household income not a pooled income. But savings are taken into account , how will that work if you’re expected to pool your resources?

I can see this working culturally in countries that had basic tax revaluations and no welfare systems, but even a lot of developing countries have these now , so this is a hang over form the past when families did need to provide welfare payments and pensions for each other and didn’t really need to consider tax

I also think this only benefits wage earners and retired. For women this is a massive risk at times when you are dependent on dh for money during maternity leave etc. in uk you are covered for access to wealth by matrimonial assets in law, and laws against financial abuse, why the hell would you expose yourself to being financially controlled by an extended family you have no legal rights over. It sure is a way of keeping women in control and doing what the patriarchy wants

nope, I’d have not even got myself married to someone who thought this made financial sense .

Probably all a bit easier if there's a gazillion quid in the account? So doesn't make any difference if GPs go on a world cruise the month before DC's school fees are due...

trust me we are not rich -certainly no world cruises or private school fees 🤣. We have decent salaries and there are sufficient funds to live within our means in both countries. Some modest savings for a rainy day in both countries.

FIL made a few bad business decisions over the years and lost almost everything when DH was at school/uni. They put almost everything they had left (including a large loan from the bank) towards international student university fees for DH (which were extortionate).

If this applies in our family, we'd be loaded thanks to getting our hands on some baby boomer wealth early.

But my impression is that 'pooled' really means the older generation hold the purse strings.....

So ILs live with you for 6 months & in India with BIL for 6 months?

So where does MIL's pension go?

How is money pooled if you are in UK & BIL in India?

Long story short, yes, your DH is being extreme and it's time to cut the purse strings with the next generation.

It may not be freaky, and there are upsides and downsides to it.

The downsides in this situation being that OP and her husband a) have blended cultures, b) not discussed how that works between them (e.g. what about the OP's parents?) and c) are raising kids in a culture that predominantly doesn't do this, with a reasonable likelihood that their future partner won't either.

Time to get pen and paper out and work out a compromise.

That sums it up for me tbh!

There is no way I would enter into a relationship with someone whose finances worked like this. I certainly wouldn't be discussing my purchases with my partner's family. It is intrusive and suffocating and gives you no privacy. I also wouldn't be giving kids money if I knew the parents could just take it to spend on what they wanted.

Also, you work hard to get more salary while your sibling lazes around. What if someone divorces? Are you going to expect a new partner to add their money to the pot? They may not even marry so you could have a succession of partners. How would a mortgage even work and would they need agreement from everyone to buy a house?

It is also open to issues with financial abuse and inheritance tax etc. Your DH needs to accept that part of bringing children up in another culture is accepting they may not accept they way you do things and align more with the UK way of doing things, whether that be cohabiting unmarried, being atheist or rejecting this set up.

That bit about working hard while sibling lazes around was a general thing.

Pffffft finances should be shared equally household to household! Ridiculous!