To think DH’s idea of pooled family finances is too extreme

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DH hates the idea of separate finances, not only within the household but also with his parents. They live on another continent but their money is ours and ours theirs, there is no distinction on who pays for large purchases/flights to visit each other and any other expenses while travelling etc, meals out, holidays etc. I’ve gotten used to this over the years.

However we now have DC who, via my side of the family, have been exposed to the idea of having their own money. DH hates the idea of ‘my money’, even inter-generational. And strongly believes as an extended family everything should be shared and it’s all collectively ‘our’ money (richer or poorer..).
He wants DC (7 and 5) to be taught the same principles but I think this may be difficult.
By contrast my parents have separate finances, bank accounts, I grew up with my own pocket money etc.

DH doesn’t mind DC being given cash (though he’d prefer not at this age) but he doesn’t want them to think it’s theirs alone and they should be happy to share it with the family.

But there has to be alignment in what people values, and that's not always the case. If someone wanted a sports car but others thought a family car was more appropriate. Who gets the final say?

It doesn't sound like everyones money is pooled, more like you and BIL totally financially support his parents.
What would he/they say if you announced your parents were moving in for 6 months and you are handing them/any of your siblings a credit card for spends?
Doesn't sound like FIL contributes anything and does MILs contribution amount to anything like the cost of living never mind all these flights?!

It sounds like it does work for you currently but you’re right, you need to find a way to bridge the cultural gap between Indian customs and UK customs regarding money.

I see no issue in DC learning and participating in shared finances in an age appropriate wage, as in they are taught about how you and PIL share finances and how the set up works in Indian culture etc. But I would draw the line at making them share their money at this age, perhaps a token contribution (like when we make kids put their pocket money towards a big ticket purchase sometimes - even though technically it’s just our money!).

But the fact is they are young and they are straddling two quite different cultures and this is only one area they will find a cultural clash, it’s important that you and DH can find a compromise that doesn’t impact the DCs ability to navigate both cultures. It can’t be one or the other essentially.

Id look for a compromise

The parents virtually bought a house for their son (the brother in law) and paid for OPs husband to study abroad.

The parents paid for a very expensive international education and the BIL's property, no?

I don't know any Asians who ask their retired parents to pony up when they do their annual 6 month trip:)

We have had pooled family finances for generations, my family was given a small farm by Elizabeth 1 as a thank you for something (not sure what!), that house has long gone replaced by one built in around 1700.
I was the first generation not to work on the farm, but never the less we have always shared everything, from way back when the first son was added to the deeds at 18, everything went in the pot, and everyone had access to the pot.
I'd love DS to continue that tradition, but its not practical in todays world, in the fullness of time he will inherit the house (not the farm, thats my cousins now and he lives in a new house nearby) - DS will make his own way in the world and his finances will be separate - but me and the wife and our parents are still pooled, end of an era, bygone age!

This just sounds like a minefield in the making when someone dies and their estate needs to be sorted out and inheritance tax calculated.

And in doing so spent all their money & now have to live with their sons!

Read the first few lines of your post OP and I can safely say YANBU. Finances should be shared between you and DH only, not extended family. That is absolute madness! My parents and in-laws have no idea what our finances are or our salaries for that matter and we do not know theirs.

Are you deliberately trying to miss the point, they set their sons up.

I think as a poster said above it would be good for your DC to know how it works in their DF's culture and keep any pocket money that they have. Sharing all finances is open to abuse.

Financial independence and having things that are yours is so important to me and my DS.

Where does it say they spent all their money?They are visiting. Visits in S Asia, like weddings, go on for ages!

OP, you should take this to the brown MN forum.:) Not sure if it's still going...

I think you are both being reasonable. On the one hand pooled family money is a great cultural practice and not one I would discourage.

However, the DC should be given pocket money and their own bank accounts because they need to be taught financial literacy. The only way to do this is to give them some family money to then save, budget, spend make mistakes with, and so on. It’s a sandbox for them to be trained because one day, they will be adults with access to a lot of family money and you don’t want them to be wildly spending it or making bad financial decisions.

If you and DH just give them cash and buy them stuff when they ask, when and how will they learn to manage money?

So that is how I would present it to him. That it’s to teach them financial literacy. I am presuming that you are ok with this culture of family money and not trying to go against it?

I understand this mentality, as I see it in one side of my family and now in my husband's side.
Basically it's this: money stays within the family.

Money and resources do not entirely belong to the individual but are, at least in part, shared with the rest of the family.
They belong legally, but we have an understanding about how it works in that parents help children, who then in turn help their children.
It's a way for 2/3 generations to make best use of resources in one go to create the most favourable outcome for "the family" not any one individual.

So, no child would ever pay rent to parents. Why would you take money just to give it back at a later date?
Better to all live together and keep the money rather that pay other people outside the family money.
If possible parents will buy home for young couple so no money goes outside the family.

It's just a different way of doing things. The UK is an individualistic society but collectively has great welfare and "the state" looks after individuals.
Other countries leave most of the looking after to extended families, and only step in when really really necessary. It creates this type of family setup. Both have benefits and difficulties.
I grew up in the Uk in this sort of family.

In laws aren’t named on the accounts in U.K. they just use the debit cards. We have a joint account (2 cards) and 2 individual accounts (4 cards) - so 6 in total - we get a text if an account is about to go overdrawn so we can transfer that day - it works fine.

I really don’t have a problem with our marriage finances. I have enough ‘independence’ in that I buy what I want / when I want. My clothes are usually H&M/Next etc and are within means. If I wanted a £1000 handbag then that would be a discussion and I wouldn’t go ahead if we needed the money for something else like a holiday (or a medical bill for FIL) - but I don’t see how that is too different to other families!

it’s more the DC and being confused at not having ‘my money’ as they get older. Thanks for all the advice. We have time as DC are still young but it works for the current set up it might not in future!

I actually think this is really unsafe. It opens your children up to financial abuse in a big way and makes it hard to leave an abusive relationship. DP and I have shared money and individual money. Everyone needs an escape fund just in case, and it's nice to have money that is not accountable to anyone else.

And for those saying " madness" and " shouldn't be done" type of thing, what you mean is that you would find it a very difficult way of doing things because of your cultural values and upbringing.

What we value and what we feel is important to us is very much influenced by our upbringing.
I was brought up in a mixed race family and don't bat an eye when one side of the family does things in a completely different way to the other side. When I grew up and married and chose where to live I chose which particular parts of my upbringing yo adopt with my children, along side those of my husband.

Dh and I have always had ‘our’ money - from whatever source - but I’ve never heard of that extending to wider family, not among any families I know well, that is.

Are you and your dh (or maybe just your dh) from a non Brit culture, OP? Because I’ve certainly heard of this elsewhere - richer family members being expected to share with, or subsidise others.

Don't worry op, your children will know exactly how it all works by the time they are grown. It's like being financially bi lingual

It makes sense given the cultural context and the "investments" your in laws have made on you DH's and BILs respective international education and property.

It's good to teach your children generosity and financial wisdom - they are not mutually exclusive.

My concern is that all your family money is only supporting your husband's side of the family. My other concern is that you don't seem to have capacity for separate savings. Who supports your parents? And what would happen if you said you wanted to keep back thousands for savings? Could you make those decisions about your own money without your in laws being involved?

We have time as DC are still young but it works for the current set up it might not in future!

Yes, I didn't give my DC pocket money at 7 because it wasn't how I was brought up. Then started in their teens. Now they are working to earn some of their own, which they will spend on crap, but that's up to them.

It won't work in the future, just as I assume you are not going to stay with your future daughter-in-law for 6 months at a time! Times change. I certainly understand giving your inlaws a debit card to use in the UK. I am going to hazard that they don't use it to buy designer bags or get drunk. They would be frugal, because people of that time and place are.

I am clearly avoiding my paid work on this thread!

I don’t think this is insane at all. It seems like a very interesting way
to increase wealth across the whole extended family.

For example I have a colleague with Indian family origins. Once the adult children were earning, they contributed to family expenses. When it came time for the older child to buy a house, everyone tipped into the purchase, including the younger child, to reduce the mortgage and allow it to be paid off faster. Then when it was the younger child’s turn, the same thing happened. In this way 3 households paid off their mortgages faster.

I don’t know how you would work out what is a fair contribution from each family member, and it would obviously rely on everyone trusting each other to work towards the same goals.

I would draw the line at children having to share gifts with adults, but possibly a father in this scenario would be seeing it as part of learning how this system works, rather than genuinely expecting the kids to give up their pocket money.

Pooled family money is how Akshata Murty's father Narayan Murthy built a billion dollar empire from scratch. Though I think he borrowed it mostly from his wife, Sudha.

This sounds very odd. If there is no distinction in his mind between his money and your money, or between your shared finances and his parents', then what would happen if you had a similar attitude to sharing finances with your parents? Would his parents' money suddenly be available if your mum needed a new car?

I could be wrong, but I'm guessing it wouldn't work like that, and most likely that's because it's a hangover from a culture in which property and money belong to men. The family's resources belong to him and his dad, and you're part of their family now....

It sounds almost mafiaesque, are they expected to work for the family too? I'd be very uncomfortable and I suspect tax laws in different countries might have something to weigh in on this set up.