To think DH’s idea of pooled family finances is too extreme

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DH hates the idea of separate finances, not only within the household but also with his parents. They live on another continent but their money is ours and ours theirs, there is no distinction on who pays for large purchases/flights to visit each other and any other expenses while travelling etc, meals out, holidays etc. I’ve gotten used to this over the years.

However we now have DC who, via my side of the family, have been exposed to the idea of having their own money. DH hates the idea of ‘my money’, even inter-generational. And strongly believes as an extended family everything should be shared and it’s all collectively ‘our’ money (richer or poorer..).
He wants DC (7 and 5) to be taught the same principles but I think this may be difficult.
By contrast my parents have separate finances, bank accounts, I grew up with my own pocket money etc.

DH doesn’t mind DC being given cash (though he’d prefer not at this age) but he doesn’t want them to think it’s theirs alone and they should be happy to share it with the family.

Recipe for financial abuse from parents when they’re older.

Absolutely batshit in my opinion. Of course be generous with your money and spend it on who you please, but this is just odd.

It is cultural. My family and I essentially pool our money. They pay for things for me and my brother I for them whenever I can. Generosity is important in our culture and we can be sure the go out will be returned. The key is that the person being generous can afford to do so. For example, we all pay for my brother as he is a student. He has started to save a good amount for his stipend and now reciprocated by treating me to a nice meal or day out every time we meet.

My husband is European and he splits the bill for a cup of coffee with his family :D Not that they can’t afford to pay for another person’s coffee, but it’s considered rude and presumptuous not to split.

Within our marriage, we prefer to operate by the rules of my culture. We have separate finances but both earn enough to support the whole family. So we don’t hair split and pick up whole bills and treat each other as much as possible. It works for us and I much prefer it to hair splitting.

My DH’s family was like this. Everyone paid into one pot and worked for the greater good of the family. Turned out they were working for the greater good of one sibling who cheated them out of hundreds of thousands!

I understand there are cultural differences at play here, but it’s an insane idea. And as they grow up it’ll be extremely restrictive on their relationships to find someone happy with that. I certainly wouldn’t enter into a relationship with somebody who had this setup.

It's so obvious that it's open to abuse.

Did you ever get money back off the sibling? Do you still pull money together?

I'm surprised the Op agrees to it in the first place. I can't even work out where you draw lines. If siblings share money, does that mean their kids need to share money? Sharing with cousins? 2nd cousins?

Why not just pay tax and support the weakest members of society with welfare benefits?

I agree with you OP it's too extreme.

Our job is to bring our children up to be independent adults. I think the principal of shared money means they will never be independent and also opens them up to being coerced in adult relationships in the future.

It's big no from me.

Which culture?
I think I is their family values rather than culture.

But be interested to know which culture it is.

I have no idea how this would work?

Everything earned goes in to one bank account? And the 4 of you all have access to it, a debit card/rights fo set up direct debits?
What happens when someone wants to make a big purchase?
What happens if someone wants to leave?

I can only see this working if there is a very, very high earner - surely average earners need a more clear overview of where there money is going month to month?

I agree that it’s too extreme as well: why did you marry into that dynamic? Are there other cultural practices he’ll expect your kids to follow?

Blimey do you get to know everyone else’s finances? Do you see their payslips or take it on trust?
How would you feel if you had to budget really carefully to pay someone else’s flights and meals, then they went home and bought a luxury car whilst you were scrapping by on beans on toast?

So many questions it must be exhausting. Why do you accept his culture whilst he is living in the U.K. when Brits are criticised for imposing rules on other countries?

Is everyone named on the account? I thought most banks only allow accounts to be held in two names.

Seeing a many pensions and benefits specifically state it must be paid to an account held in your own name or joint names, how does that work?

And as other posters have said, when someone dies what happens then? It sounds like an absolute nightmare that is open to abuse.

This is suffocating.

Potentially controlling and leading to financial abuse.

I don't care how it is packaged. We are 'close , loving, caring, security' bollocks.

My siblings would help me out if I needed it and I would repay them.

I don't know how much they earn or how much savings they have etc.

Nor my parents. I know they are OK and will always help everyone out but I dont don't and wouldn't know the details of their finances.

I would hate it. I like my independence and freedom.

@aperolspritzbasicbitch that's what I think too, it will only work with plenty cash.
If people are tight for money and one person is shopping in Lidi, leaving money in the pot for school uniforms and someone else is looking at the pot thinking plenty there we can eat out tonight.

I can see so much tension.

Easy fix, let the kids know how much is in the family bank and then set them loose in the toy shop. Nobody will want them sharing again.

I know a family who used this system. It made a lot of sense when they were recent immigrants and trying to get established. Money was pooled to buy a family home and the young adults contributed wages, then were eventually supported with investments (some held jointly with siblings) as they grew up and got married.

It started to go wrong when people’s circumstances changed: divorce, different numbers of children and widening gaps in income. Ill feeling set in and it was made far worse by the fact that nothing was written down! Time passed and the arrangements over the joint investments became hazy and a subject of dispute. Eventually there was a colossal falling out and the family more or less broke down. 😕

Having said that, I think it can make sense for pairs of friends to invest or buy property together - but draw up proper agreements!

But that's not the 'equal' way the family want to work is ir? Why should they only get £2? Surely it should be whatever they vwant?

As mentioned before this is common in many cultures. Where no welfare state exists its the only way that those without enough for whatever reason at any point in time may be able to eat and have the basic necessities. Swings and roundabouts should mean it evens out over time.

But before marriage is the time to discuss this and agree what will happen. Not as the children are growing up.

He is a total fucking weirdo. No way would I ever agree to that absolute insanity.

I’m not going to work my tits off to Chuck it into a family pot, for it to be spanked up the wall by inlaws who did nothing to deserve it.

Madness , what happens if you go to pay for something and they've made a big purchase and no money in the account ?

No I wouldn’t agree to this idea. I have been married for 29 yrs never, ever had a joint bank account. I like my finances to be separate from my DH. Wouldn’t dream that our DS’s money should go into the family pot either.

Why do you accept his culture whilst he is living in the U.K. when Brits are criticised for imposing rules on other countries?

No intercultural relationship would last 5 mins if one partner adopted this attitude! It doesn't matter where you're living, both partners have to respect the other's culture and find mutually acceptable compromises. Of course you don't have to accept everything, but you can't just dictate that the family will do things your way because you live here in the UK. As a pp said, these issues should be discussed and negotiated before marriage as far as possible, but there will always be differences that arise over the years that you won't necessarily have foreseen. You both need to be able to navigate those differences respectfully and with an open mind.

I think is quite a nice, idealistic approach, and I can see how it would work in some families. It's like a commune philosophy, which would work amazingly well if you all lived in close proximity and all of the resouces would be shared amongst those who took on a more caring role, rather than bread earner role. It doesn't really carry through to UK culture though, where we already have access to loans, pay for health care, welfare and education via our tax system and of course of our pensions privately.
To me you have two choices, because I guarantee their future sposes won't be interested in pooling. You either have to stay in and have your dh accept that your dc won't participate, or come out and set up your own system with your children, where you just pool a percentage to carry on the culture of helping each other out.

Op I think you and DH need to go back to the drawing board. Sit and discuss your finances together.

How much are you as a couple putting into the family account?
How much are you taking out?
Are you benefiting from it?

What about private pensions?
Who's names are on savings accounts?

When his parents die does their money get split between siblings?

Who owns your house? Are you on the title deeds?

Op I'm guessing you as a couple contribute more than you take out?
And the savings and assets are held in the parents names?

You are in a very vulnerable position. Be careful

I think this sounds like a good way to do things. My family help each other out a lot and are v honest with and look out for one another. I imagine this could have really been a help to my family. I'm the one in my family with the most money and i would rather contribute to a pot than be seen as generous when i help.

It depends how much wealth you are talking about if you are all collectively wealthy enough to not have to worry about budgeting or running out of money then I can see how this would work.