Ex-wife booking holiday and abandoning daughter for 2 weeks?

[Xuzes]

Hi

I am going through a divorce and currently sharing childcare with my ex, I have our daughter 4 nights a week.

When I’ve taken our daughter away anywhere I have always consulted with her Mum first before booking anything.

My ex has told me today that she has decided to take a 2 week holiday without our daughter, without consulting me and I would have to look after our daughter for 14 potentially more days whilst she is away and I work full time which I cannot manage.

I would like to know where I stand in this situation and could I stop my ex from going if it put my daughters childcare at risk. Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.

Right well obviously she absolutely should have asked you first and you'd be well within rights to say no on that basis, BUT plenty of us single parents work full time and manage by using paid childcare or using annual leave to cover school holidays Please don't assume that having a Ft job absolves you of any inconvenient childcare. It's 50% your responsibility.

Tell her she’ll need to arrange and pay due childcare for the days she would normally have her.

Leaving your child with their other parent is not "abandoning" them, you have equal responsibility.

What is the problem with childcare?

How much notice has she given you? Enough for you to take leave from work? What makes you say she is 'abandoning' your daughter? Would it be more accurate to say that she has entrusted the girl to her father without giving him enough notice?

Pay for childcare like other working parents have to. Do you go on holiday without your child.

She's not abandoning her child. She's leaving them with their other parent who they spend half their time with anyway.

What do you do on the 4 nights you have DC?

I would imagine that the problem is the lack of consultation

Ok. So it might be tricky to find childcare if you don’t already use it, however it should be for her to sort cover while she is away especially if she hasn’t actually asked if you can cover it. However it might be nice to have more time with your daughter if you can organise it

The fact you are using the word “abandoned” when she’s actually leaving the child with their other parent tells me all I need to know about your previous relationship and the control you like to exert. Would you have asked permission before going on holiday or is it just her who needs to?

I can see OP’s side - if there is no childcare in place then it is not just quickly arranged (wait lists and all), and neither do many people have spare 2 weeks annual leave.
is she in school? Nursery? What are the usual arrangements? How far do you live from her usual arrangements? Do you work normal office hours or shifts?

I think that's shit, there are plenty jobs (shifts, long commute etc.) that are extremely difficult to find ad hoc childcare for.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do, you will have to try and sort it. Babysitting services, holiday clubs, play schemes, see if your work will be a bit more flexible on those days, take some annual leave, see if there are any parents that will swap childcare with you, rope in family to help etc. If its nursery they may be able to do more days on a one off basis given that lots of people may be on holiday then

How old is this child?

I suspect if the person who had booked holiday was a man then replies would be different...

FFS. She is not abandoning her child. She's going on holiday whilst her child is cared for bybtheir other parent.

She should have consulted you. Clearly you would have said no. She knew that. You need to be honest with yourself: woukdvyou have ever agreed to a 14 day holiday? Why does your ex not get a holiday but you do? Is the issue you don't want your ex to have fun? If so, why? Why can't you look after your child full time when you expect yourself to fo so?

What's your plan if your ex-wife suddenly becomes incapacitated or dies? Orphanage?

So very very true ,!

This is terrible behaviour from your ex, but do avoid emotive words like 'abandoning'.

I assume you're fine for the days you'd usually have your dd. So the others are an issue. I'd expect your ex to be arranging and paying for childcare on those days. Are you OK to have her in the evening/nights on those days?

I dont see an issue with the holiday on itself, I assume you also go away? But the lack of consultation is terrible.

Be careful on discussions, make sure your daughter doesn't feel she is the issue or unwanted.

This. I’ve seen the same situation multiple times on MN, and the comments usually go on about how the ex is a deadbeat dad who can’t just absolve himself of parenting when he chooses.

Yet to see similar comments here…

I thought that but then the phrase "could I stop my ex from going if it put my daughters childcare at risk" confused me.

How can childcare be put "at risk"?

Just to say, all the accusations and questions being thrown at the OP are all answered in the actual OP.

You can request unpaid parental leave from your employer for the days you wouldn't ordinarily have her.

What you cannot do is prevent her from going on holiday. It doesn't work like that.

So she is "abandoning" on her 3 days per week for 2 weeks. So 6 days.

Of course she should have consulted you. But ultimately would you rather she find someone else to have her for those 2x3days - which could be anyone, you don't have to approve them - or would you rather she is safe with you? By all means push for her to find someone else to have your daughter if that is what you want, but do be careful what you wish for.

Well your language is a bit ott. How old is dd? If school age who looks after her during holidays?

God some of these replies are ridiculous.

OF COURSE you should have been consulted.

And if you are (probably) working, she needs to arrange childcare for her days.

Oh wow these responses...wtf??
I'm guessing because the author appears to be a male?
because I co parent (female) and would be deeply hacked off if his dad arranged a holiday without checking in with me first. When you work and have other commitments it's difficult to drop everything because the other parent fancies a holiday.
Yet the Op is being controlling.
In reality OP, there isn't much you can do because as we quite often see on these boards you can't force somebody to parent their child.
Perhaps you can sit down and have a chat about who pays for childcare during this time and set some ground rules for holidays in the future? Good luck!