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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex-wife booking holiday and abandoning daughter for 2 weeks?

401 replies

Xuzes · 06/06/2023 19:19

Hi

I am going through a divorce and currently sharing childcare with my ex, I have our daughter 4 nights a week.

When I’ve taken our daughter away anywhere I have always consulted with her Mum first before booking anything.

My ex has told me today that she has decided to take a 2 week holiday without our daughter, without consulting me and I would have to look after our daughter for 14 potentially more days whilst she is away and I work full time which I cannot manage.

I would like to know where I stand in this situation and could I stop my ex from going if it put my daughters childcare at risk. Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.

OP posts:
sourcorn · 06/06/2023 20:19

Azandme · 06/06/2023 20:15

It was a simple question asking what the specific problem was with childcare because in the OP it said the holiday was putting the childcare (not the child) at risk. So I wa asking at risk of what.

I wasn't suggesting anything.

Show quote history

Yes I think we need to know exactly the issue with childcare

FloydPepper · 06/06/2023 20:19

namechange1986 · 06/06/2023 19:27

I suspect if the person who had booked holiday was a man then replies would be different...

Absolutely. I knew there’d be a lot of “you should parent, she’s entitled to go away” which would never be posted should a bloke spring a holiday on his ex with no notice

sourcorn · 06/06/2023 20:20

Bathintheshed · 06/06/2023 20:03

I mean for those two weeks. He asked if he could stop the woman from going, which he absolutely can't.

Show quote history

Who is "he"?

Brunilde · 06/06/2023 20:20

namechange1986 · 06/06/2023 19:27

I suspect if the person who had booked holiday was a man then replies would be different...

Exactly. Ridiculous responses. Of course the person booking the holiday should be responsible for covering their usual days.

User1438423 · 06/06/2023 20:21

You aren't going to get any helpful advice with alarmist OTT accusations. She should have spoken to you first of course, but this is not abandonment, and the fact you say it is speaks volumes. You say you have no annual leave left. Did you consult with your ex before using up all your annual leave? Was it all used up for childcare?

FloydPepper · 06/06/2023 20:24

Curtains70 · 06/06/2023 20:10

OP won't be back, this is a fake post to show how different responses are when a post is negative towards a woman.

Show quote history

If so it’s a cheap shot but also incredibly easy. It’s blatant!

AnneElliott · 06/06/2023 20:24

Your ex is a knob op. And I'm not sure the responses would have been different if responses thought the ex was a man? Yes there would be posts about 'deadbeat dads' of which there are many in RL but ultimately if a woman's is left holding the baby while the bloke fucks off then there's nothing she can do and the responses acknowledge that.

Both my single (female) friends have been in this situation and have had to just deal with it.

GuinnessBird · 06/06/2023 20:25

I think that the OP is a woman...

I wonder if the posters who assumed it was a man will stand by their responses...

sourcorn · 06/06/2023 20:25

Erised21 · 06/06/2023 20:17

Quick look on advanced search for more context and:

  1. Said child will be six around October.
  1. The OP is a woman who gave birth.
  1. She has previously referred to her partner as her DH.

So I'm assuming that this is a reverse or something? Maybe OP is the one who has booked the holiday without consultation?

Or OP was in same sex relationship but changed this to DH in previous posts as often people change details to prevent being recognised

Iceicebabytoocold · 06/06/2023 20:25

Same old MN bullshit where the OP is assumed to be a man. If this was a post which clearly identified OP as a female the replies would be completely different.

GoodChat · 06/06/2023 20:25

Iyjd · 06/06/2023 20:07

Repost OP and pretend you are the woman for more helpful replies

People will just question why the mother doesn't have the child more already

sourcorn · 06/06/2023 20:26

Iceicebabytoocold · 06/06/2023 20:25

Same old MN bullshit where the OP is assumed to be a man. If this was a post which clearly identified OP as a female the replies would be completely different.

Not sure why but I assumed OP was female. Need to check my unconscious bias.

Quercus30 · 06/06/2023 20:27

Maybe he/ she is upset for their child and the fact that mum has chosen to go on holiday without them. Maybe he/ she wouldn't think about going on holiday without the child themselves, particularly as parents have split up recently. It really did warrant a discussion. The child is the responsibility of both parents, yes, but also should be the priority of both of them.

ApplesandOrangesandPears · 06/06/2023 20:27

OK, yes she should have consulted you absolutely and she is 100% unreasonable for that but as for the childcare issue - if she was suddenly in hospital for 2 weeks (or god forbid dissapeared completely) then you would have to find childcare then so unfortunately I don't think childcare is a valid reason to stop her going away.

As you are her parent with parental responsibility, you can't legally stop the mother going away at all. A close family friend found himself in the position of suddenly having sole care of his young child when her mum decided to suddenly move abroad with no notice, so if he couldn't stop that I doubt you can stop a holiday.

That doesn't mean your ex is right, nor does it make the situation any less shit, but she's not actually 'abandoning' her daughter - she's leaving her daughter in the care of her father for a set amount of time. Still shit, but not quite as shit as dropping her completely and never coming back.

FloydPepper · 06/06/2023 20:27

GuinnessBird · 06/06/2023 20:25

I think that the OP is a woman...

I wonder if the posters who assumed it was a man will stand by their responses...

nope. They rarely do. It’s usually total silemce

MrsDrDear · 06/06/2023 20:27

Anyone who posts a reverse should get a ban, so tedious.

Original poster
Xuzes · 06/06/2023 20:27

Thank you for all your helpful comments. I was posting for my brother who’s in this situation and doesn’t know where to turn. It’s been insightful to get other peoples perspectives outside of our family.

his daughter is 5 and he does work away on the nights when he doesn’t have her. I live 250miles from him so unable to help with his childcare.

OP posts:
sourcorn · 06/06/2023 20:27

MrsDrDear · 06/06/2023 20:27

Anyone who posts a reverse should get a ban, so tedious.

Why do you think it's a reverse?

butterpuffed · 06/06/2023 20:28

User1438423 · 06/06/2023 20:21

You aren't going to get any helpful advice with alarmist OTT accusations. She should have spoken to you first of course, but this is not abandonment, and the fact you say it is speaks volumes. You say you have no annual leave left. Did you consult with your ex before using up all your annual leave? Was it all used up for childcare?

OP hasn't mentioned annual leave .

sourcorn · 06/06/2023 20:29

Xuzes · 06/06/2023 20:27

Thank you for all your helpful comments. I was posting for my brother who’s in this situation and doesn’t know where to turn. It’s been insightful to get other peoples perspectives outside of our family.

his daughter is 5 and he does work away on the nights when he doesn’t have her. I live 250miles from him so unable to help with his childcare.

HELLO OP's brother 👋

How much notice have you had?

MrsDrDear · 06/06/2023 20:32

@sourcorn my comment was in response to many posters who were saying 'if this was a reverse or if this was the other way round'

Tinkerbyebye · 06/06/2023 20:32

Azandme · 06/06/2023 19:23

Leaving your child with their other parent is not "abandoning" them, you have equal responsibility.

What is the problem with childcare?

Read the post the op can’t get the time off!

op your ex needs to sort childcare for the days she would normally have her

Chatillon · 06/06/2023 20:34

My ex has told me today that she has decided to take a 2 week holiday without our daughter, without consulting me and I would have to look after our daughter for 14 potentially more days whilst she is away

Awesome! 14 whole days with your daughter. Ring work, tell them the situation. Negotiate some unplanned leave. Take reduced pay, draw off savings. Make up some time when you are back.

But just enjoy this surprise time with your lovely daughter and create some memories that will last for life.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/06/2023 20:34

So he's the primary carer as he has her 4 nights? He's going to have to take emergency leave from work or pay for childcare.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 06/06/2023 20:34

Unfortunately as so many women find out there's fuck all you can do. Your brother has majority care if its 4 nights a week, there is nothing he can do if his ex just isn't there when he either tries to drop the child off or if she doesn't pick her up. Its shit but all too common unfortunately. If she's a total bitch she's probably doing it to screw his job over. I wish him luck. Can he get family and friends to share the load while he's working away?

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