I am probably being mean but......

[razz]

Its a long one so I can try not to dripfeed. When my DH and I met I had a great job, good money, own (but mortgaged!!!) house and he earnt very little but was following a passion. We had our first child, I was still the main breadwinner but have always loved working (I am not really cut out to be a SAHM!) so have never minded that. Fast forward to DC2 DH had a much better job so I gave up work (happily) to look at DC2 and then DC3 when they arrived. Went back to work after 3 years working about 30 hours a week. Over the last 7 years I have retrained (whilst working full time) and got a great job with fab prospects. I have been approached by my boss about a promotion that will be even more challenging than my current role, more travel and lots more money (likely just below 100k). DH has a good job, decent money, still a bit of a passion but not as 'fun' as he once thought it was. So to cut a long story short...if I get the new job DH says he wants to give up work. DC are now late teens, DH does very little around the house (we have never had a cleaner), doesn't decorate, repair stuff or anything like that - I have always done 90% of everything. The issue is that I don't want him to. Mainly because I don't see why he should get to do what he wants all day (he wants to spend more time on his hobby....long days out in the country with his mates) and not contribute. I dont want to give up work so it isnt jealousy. I just know he won't keep up with the household choirs like I do so I will still need to do all that and the kids dont need full time care like they did when I wasn't working. I also accept that I am probably being mean. Am I? What would you do?

It sounds like your DH believes you are moving into a time of less outgoings, responsibilities, etc (at least for him!) With teenagers, though, you are potentially moving towards quite an expensive time of parenthood - university fees and living costs are no joke.
He is not thinking ahead in those terms, not in terms of your mutual retirements - these things need discussing.
My feeling is, though, that he sees your success as his meal ticket to do the bare minimum. Yuck.

I would say that given you had 3 years off work (albeit as a SAHM, I know it’s not exactly a holiday!) maybe you could compromise and give him a trial run of being a SAHD, so that he’s got some time off and it feels equal to him and that he feels like he’s got a ‘break’? I know that being a SAHM is NOT that, but you know what men are like… their perception of what women do just isn’t accurate 😂

Maybe he could have a trial run of being the ‘SAHD’, taking over teenager duties, running the house, doing all the chores you need him to do, cleaning, house maintenance, DIY, doing up the house where it’s needed to be done and just hasn’t been… and then when certain things have been done, he can let off some steam by going to do the things he wants to do?

i guess the real issues will be making sure that he does all of those things in ways that you are happy with - or at least in ways that are functional and clean and tidy. They might not be exactly to your liking but hopefully he will learn? You might have to let go and accept the new norm. So long as it’s not a tip! I think it’s something he will have to learn and feel good about doing in order to keep doing it (rather than do it wrong and then not want to do it again… like I child I guess!)

I think as long as he pulls his weight and uses his energy in productive ways and does things around the house that benefits both of you and not just himself, I think personally I would be fine with being the main breadwinner for a bit and letting him stay home and see what happens. In his mind, he is probably thinking ‘well, I let you do it’ and I KNOW it’s not the same. But to him, he’s probably not seeing it the same way. He just wants some time off.

I imagine if you try it and he doesn’t like it, he’ll find another job soon enough. Maybe at this point if he’s looking and you find that he did help around the house and with the kids, and he still wants to meet his friends, you could suggest a part time one and you might find that he’ll balance all those things.

in an ideal world haha…

This is important, OP. He wants to retire whilst he’s young and you’re earning the money, so he can have fun with no financial restraints.

Then, when you retire too, there will be no money for you to have fun, and you’ll have to scrimp and go without, because there’s no savings in the pension pot and no income.

I completely agree. Look after your own future, OP.

You love your job now OP.

What if your next manager is a bully? Or your company becomes insolvent or your position redundant? What if you injure your back or develop fatigue or just want to retire or reduce your hours yourself for some reason?

He'll be out of the workforce, possibly no longer employable, and will struggle with ageism even if he is willing to return to work.

All the pressure will be on you, because he's decided to live the good life.

Unless you are seriously wealthy, he should continue to work and contribute to build up your quality of life in retirement- for both of you!

I'd say to him that you both need to go to a financial advisor and look at retirement planning. It should become clear that he probably needs to work to afford retirement.

dh financially funded because they had young children (who they made together) who needed looking after and the housework needed doing. He didn’t financially fund so OP could sit on her bum doing nothing all day. There’s a difference

I mean, there's nothing unreasonable about not wanting such an imbalance in work status between you and your partner, but saying "I don't see why he should get to do what he wants all day", while also expressing that you work so much because you love it, is a bit telling. To me it wouldn't have anything to do with not wanting my partner to not do what he wants all day. If that was an option, I'd think that was great! It would only be a problem if other parts of the relationship weren't that healthy/functioning, and it sounds like that's the real crux of the problem; not the idea that he could do what he wants all day while you're working, because it sounds like your choice to work in the way you do is because it fulfils you.

If he gives up work then he takes on 100% of everything else.
Household chores, the mental load, the cooking, shopping, kids pick ups and drop offs etc etc

🤣🤣

I think part time would be a great compromise to be honest.
He works less but still contributes and can also help with the house but has time for hobbies also.
You cannot just decide you want to retire without either completely independent financial back up or agreement from your partner, suppose you became ill or lost your job or such.

I understand he supported you somewhat when you stayed at home but you were providing care for small children not teens who he can clearly leave to do what they want while he goes out.

honestly it sounds to me like he does not put "value" or "cost" on staying at home minding kids and running a household - like several men. When you give up work you don't give up work you are also working just a different type of work .. So if he is not even going to do this type of work and spend the time following his passion then he is taking you for granted totally.... Also the kids are older now so there is less to do maybe? ( not in all cases obvs) so more focus on cleaning/ running house and house admin etc.... ) so less childcare unless he is taxi - ing them around which happens with teens... He needs a wake up call I think.. if you really love eachother maybe a counsellor could help to talk this through... otherwise it may lead to resentment on both sides..

How do you make sure this is what actually happens though?

My husband became a SAHD for a time- and he just didn't do even the basics. It was incredibly frustrating and strained our marriage.

If someone doesn't take on the mental load- you can't make them. You can't make someone clean the bathroom or meal prep or organise a cupboard.

OP's DH doesn't sound like he's going to suddenly step up around the home. He'll have long resigned before it's clear he's not pulling it weight- and then what recourse does she have?

I don't think you're being mean at all. There's no problem with him giving up paid employment (if you can afford that) but he would then need to contribute to the household by becoming a SAHD and doing the work you did when you were a SAHM. Doesn't sound like he's up to that though, in which case it would be a firm no!

Big thing here to me is the fact it doesn't sound like you've paid off the mortgage yet. This means neither of you can effectively afford to retire at this point.

So even being generous about this, he stays in work til then. One of the things about not working is the amount of money he's likely to be spending in his free time. He won't just be sat at home not spending. So not only will that mean that it will take longer to pay off the mortgage but you'll also have greater outgoing from him not working.

If he wants to take early retirement, then you need to BOTH make a financial plan for that - that means looking at early mortgage repayment (with him still working) and what your pensions look like.

It sounds like he hasn't given any thought whatsoever to this.

This affects YOUR retirement plans significantly. He's effectively asking you to work for years longer in order to enable his earlier retirement without you rather than thinking about how you BOTH can retire earlier and spend time together.

Yu aren't saying he can't give up work early - IT IS NOT REMOTELY MEAN TO BE ASKING TO WORK OUT A JOINT FINANCIAL PLAN FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES - THIS IS PRUDENT AND WHAT SHOULD BE THE DEFAULT IN ALL RELATIONSHIPS. You need to keep laser focused on this point.

The compromise could be that you AGREE for him to go part time at some point on the provision that he maintains the house - that might include him funding and managing any decorating / cleaning that needs doing (which could be hiring help with that). But you must be happy with that agreement and he can't take the piss. You don't want to be the one arranging the decorators/cleaners cos he can't be arse with the admin of that. But you need to have that explicit conversation. He doesn't get to dictate that.

If he doesn't want to discuss this like an adult OR he has a sulk / tantrum over you pulling him up on this and saying 'no' in any part thats the Red Flag that he's taking the piss. If he does that, you need to have a long hard think about where thats going to leave you long term. Do you want to carry him and potentially miss out on YOUR retirement and financial security? What happens if you fall ill unexpectedly before the mortgage is paid off? Whats you retirement plan - when do YOU want to retire? Is that possible if he isn't working for years?

I'd say part time and he has to commit to doing set chores as the best way to avoid arguments.

Even if he worked 2.5 days then spent 1 (designated) day a week doing housework he would still have 1.5 days completely free plus weekends which is more than most people in their fifities!
surely it's just fair
You're a partnership
You will be bringing In more money but will have less time
He wants to work less so will be contributing less money so should make up by doing more household stuff
Exactly as you did when he worked full time and you stayed at home
You're not asking him to do anything you didn't or wouldn't do yourself
Otherwise I don't see how it wouldn't lead to resentment and lack of respect if you are doing everything and him nothing

You dont NEED to stay at home with teenagers they don't legally require childcare for a reason

This sums it up well

@N0ChildrenYet

Its a bit different to taking ‘three years off’ to look after under fives, compared to teens, who can (hopefully) get dressed themselves, wash, get themselves to school, feed themselves, help to wash up, put bins out, make their beds, put clothes in the wash etc.

Many women continue to sah with teens though. It’s quite often discussed on here, saying teens need someone at home through the stressful gcse and a level years.

if it’s ok for a woman to sah with teens then why not a man.

as long as he picks up all that wifework as well.

This is the best way.
From experience they will listen to "experts"
You'll be supporting him up to retirement age (68?) that's up to 17 years. Then he'll go on state pension and you'll be supporting him with your company pension.

You gave up work for 3 years to care for preschool and primary school children.
He's giving up to effectively retire in his early 50s and live off your wages for the next 17 years and then off your pension
This is taking money from your children. It will impact any savings you might otherwise be able to build, help with uni fees, or emergency medical that might not be NHS. Orthodontics etc.

Don't let him do a Trial period... at over 50 it will be really hard to get back into the world of work after giving up for three years.
You will still be doing 90 per cent of the work and paying for it too.

Many women take care of the house too they have chores not "hobbies"

It would not be at all mean to tell him HELL NO. It's not just about the money, it's about the principle. And if he suddenly gets marriage-minded, be very suspicious.

No is there short answer.

If you have no savings then you both need to keep working. You both need to contribute to your pensions. 10 years of both working will make a big difference to your retirement fund.

Being a SAHP to a baby, toddler, preschooler saves a family thousands in childcare fees. It is a financial contribution in and of itself.

The same cannot be said for staying home with teenagers.

People are giving your DH a hard time. He made a proposal, that is all. If you dont support it then have the conversation and say so.
No need for any of the crap being slung at him on this thread based upon the info you have supplied