Page 8 | I am probably being mean but......

razz · 2023-06-05T18:04:15+00:00

Its a long one so I can try not to dripfeed. When my DH and I met I had a great job, good money, own (but mortgaged!!!) house and he earnt very little but was following a passion. We had our first child, I was still the main breadwinner but have always loved working (I am not really cut out to be a SAHM!) so have never minded that. Fast forward to DC2 DH had a much better job so I gave up work (happily) to look at DC2 and then DC3 when they arrived. Went back to work after 3 years working about 30 hours a week. Over the last 7 years I have retrained (whilst working full time) and got a great job with fab prospects. I have been approached by my boss about a promotion that will be even more challenging than my current role, more travel and lots more money (likely just below 100k). DH has a good job, decent money, still a bit of a passion but not as 'fun' as he once thought it was. So to cut a long story short...if I get the new job DH says he wants to give up work. DC are now late teens, DH does very little around the house (we have never had a cleaner), doesn't decorate, repair stuff or anything like that - I have always done 90% of everything. The issue is that I don't want him to. Mainly because I don't see why he should get to do what he wants all day (he wants to spend more time on his hobby....long days out in the country with his mates) and not contribute. I dont want to give up work so it isnt jealousy. I just know he won't keep up with the household choirs like I do so I will still need to do all that and the kids dont need full time care like they did when I wasn't working. I also accept that I am probably being mean. Am I? What would you do?

SiobhanSharpe · 07/06/2023 14:22

There is no upside in this for you, it's all for him; you know that you will still be doing everything.
Is he normally so selfish?

MsRosley · 07/06/2023 14:23

Unless he was going to spend his time completely overhauling and redecorating the house and earning his keep that way, it would be a hard no from me. How convenient he wants to be a stay at home dad when the hard work phase is pretty much over.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/06/2023 14:28

saltinesandcoffeecups · 06/06/2023 13:06

DH and I had this conversation very early on. He’s in a ‘retire young’ profession so will be ~54 when he’s eligible to retire with his full pension. He was wistfully thinking of his leisure time one day and I told him that while he may be retired he’ll still be working somewhere, I didn’t (and still don’t) care what he did, but it would paid employment. He didn’t argue since the man has worked 2 jobs simultaneously since he was a teenager by necessity then and choice now.

People need to work and contribute to the household, they need to be part of a larger world. (Obviously this is my opinion and I’m sure others will disagree).

I think the biggest factor is your savings situation. IMO, you both should be working full time and saving as much as possible for retirement. The good news is that it should be a lot easier with your new job!

Seriously, what? So no one is allowed to fully retire?

As long as a person's retirement income is enough to maintain their share of the expenses, why on earth should they continue to work?

I retired in my mid-50s with a pension that meant our lifestyle did not change, DH did the same. If anything, we're a teeny bit better off due to savings on fuel and work expenses. If one of us had told the other that they had to continue working we'd have told them to get stuffed. Retirement is wonderful and as I told a friend "I worked all my life for this!!".

Keep working 'to be a part of the larger world, my eye! We have more time to be involved in the larger world now that we're retired than we ever had when we were working. Travel, volunteering, socializing...all so much easier when you're retired.

If you want to stay working until they find you dead at your desk, so be it. But assuming his pension is sufficient let the man retire when it's his time, FGS. After working 2 jobs his entire life, he certainly deserves it.

meuroticjishmum · 07/06/2023 14:30

I would say why not both continue as you are and use the extra money to overpay the mortgage? Once mortgage reduced, he could then go part time? If you don't have health problems and dc are no longer small, surely no functioning adult should be an adult dependant in a relationship. No one knows what the future holds - you could be made redundant - just making a point, I'm sure you won't! - and then his part time salary and a reduced mortgage would be a blessing....

LocalHobo · 07/06/2023 14:37

Why can’t a DH be a SAHD? My uncle was for a long time. Teenagers still need parents around. It sounds like you won’t be short of money
He is entitled to the 3 years you had at the very least.

ferntwist · 07/06/2023 14:41

You’re not being mean in the slightest. Hard no!

PoppyPP · 07/06/2023 14:41

You didn’t give up work though… you gave up one paid job to do a different unpaid job to look after small kids. I did the same for 3 years when my DC were little.

Like hell is it appropriate for your DH to give up paid work now to do jack shit. He should be working towards building his pension. Teenagers don’t get cheaper.

ferntwist · 07/06/2023 14:43

LocalHobo · 07/06/2023 14:37

Why can’t a DH be a SAHD? My uncle was for a long time. Teenagers still need parents around. It sounds like you won’t be short of money
He is entitled to the 3 years you had at the very least.

No way is not working and not doing chores when your kids are late teens remotely comparable to being a SAHM with a baby or a toddler. Don’t make me laugh!

saltinesandcoffeecups · 07/06/2023 15:04

AcrossthePond55 · 07/06/2023 14:28

Seriously, what? So no one is allowed to fully retire?

As long as a person's retirement income is enough to maintain their share of the expenses, why on earth should they continue to work?

I retired in my mid-50s with a pension that meant our lifestyle did not change, DH did the same. If anything, we're a teeny bit better off due to savings on fuel and work expenses. If one of us had told the other that they had to continue working we'd have told them to get stuffed. Retirement is wonderful and as I told a friend "I worked all my life for this!!".

Keep working 'to be a part of the larger world, my eye! We have more time to be involved in the larger world now that we're retired than we ever had when we were working. Travel, volunteering, socializing...all so much easier when you're retired.

If you want to stay working until they find you dead at your desk, so be it. But assuming his pension is sufficient let the man retire when it's his time, FGS. After working 2 jobs his entire life, he certainly deserves it.

Show quote history

Settle down…. He’s in full agreement. So much so he’s already planning to retrain for his next career. See I know this because we have adult conversations and goal plan together. We could actually both fully retire when he does but both of us agree that’s not the right move.

You missed the part that for he’s chosen to work a second job? We don’t need the money. He however needs something to do or he does nothing and gets bored.

Don’t worry about us, we have plans (that we have both agreed to and play a part in) to step down into full retirement well ahead of the normal age.

Axahooxa · 07/06/2023 15:29

Why can’t a DH be a SAHD? My uncle was for a long time. Teenagers still need parents around. It sounds like you won’t be short of money
He is entitled to the 3 years you had at the very least.

@LocalHobo only if he looks after a baby and toddler all day while he cleans, shops, generally sorts out the house. Probably cooks and does the laundry too.

OP- how can you possibly think you’re being mean?! Even the suggestion of this would drive me mad. If he pulled his weight with housework and was then willing to do it ALL, that would be different.

Pipsquiggle · 07/06/2023 15:33

If you haven't paid your mortgage off, done what you need for NI contributions or you are not working due to 'care' costs then you need to keep working IMO

TiredandHungry19 · 07/06/2023 15:40

Not being mean. This would give me the ick massively tbh.

CatfoodOzymandias · 07/06/2023 15:42

Hard Pass. If he did anything around the house, it might be ok But as he doesn't....

skyeisthelimit · 07/06/2023 15:42

I don't think it's fair that he gets to give up work. You need to sit down with him and look at the finances and the household jobs, and discuss who is going to do what if you change jobs and are away sometimes with travel. You can't be coming home to a messy dump and then have to do everything while he has been there doing nothing.

If you look at the finances, you can discuss how/when you can pay off the mortgage and how/when you might both be able to work less hours and enjoy a semi early retirement and spend time together.

IamRoyFuckingKent · 07/06/2023 15:56

NFW, do not let him do this. It's nearly ended my marriage. Why should he, frankly? He won't make your life any easier, it'll just be lovely for him. Fuck that.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/06/2023 15:59

I would rather divorce an entitled, lazy man like this than come to some sort of comprise.

Gamechanger82 · 07/06/2023 16:27

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stayathomer · 07/06/2023 16:31

Geez the ltbs are a bit harsh, aren’t they? If dh started earning 100k plus I’m totally be tempted to ask this of him!! I’m an author, which would be seen as a hobby too as I don’t earn a lot so I work 30 plus hours in a shop too. Our older two are teens. And I wouldn’t lose respect for someone who asked it of me, the running joke as an author is that we want to be able to retire our spouses on our earnings! Life is way way fecking short (from someone who knows too many people who had heart attacks/ issues contributed to by work stress, two who died before they reached your dhs age to all the comments that he’s too young to retire!!)

GCalltheway · 07/06/2023 16:36

stayathomer · 07/06/2023 16:31

Geez the ltbs are a bit harsh, aren’t they? If dh started earning 100k plus I’m totally be tempted to ask this of him!! I’m an author, which would be seen as a hobby too as I don’t earn a lot so I work 30 plus hours in a shop too. Our older two are teens. And I wouldn’t lose respect for someone who asked it of me, the running joke as an author is that we want to be able to retire our spouses on our earnings! Life is way way fecking short (from someone who knows too many people who had heart attacks/ issues contributed to by work stress, two who died before they reached your dhs age to all the comments that he’s too young to retire!!)

Well you are a CF as well !!

Noicant · 07/06/2023 16:43

If he was responsible for the house and running the kids around etc I could see the sense to allow you to pursue your career without having to break your stride but in your case no. I just wouldn’t.

CatfoodOzymandias · 07/06/2023 16:44

I don't earn much either, and DC are grown. But I do the bulk of the housework and cooking. I also repair stuff and do household admin. You have to pull your weight somewhere, I think? Or retire together.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 07/06/2023 16:46

You have no savings? You're still paying off a mortgage?

That would be a no.

He's fit and able, and you don't want to support him when you've already carried the work AND home loads. I imagine childcare as well.

Surely you want to retire sooner rather than later; two incomes will help with that. And potential university support costs for your children down the line, no? And help them get started as young adults if you can, no?

Hard no. He's shown you who he is all these years, and now he wants to do even less.

Inkyblue123 · 07/06/2023 16:50

If you will be travelling a lot then I can understand him wanting to be around more for the kids but surely part time would be sufficient? What about his pension? What happens if you get sick , you get divorced, anything can happen. It sounds a bit pie in the sky tbh. You haven’t won the lottery

FartSock5000 · 07/06/2023 16:50

What a cheeky fecker!

You work, raise the kids and manage the household and he just wants to do nothing?

Feck right off.

It would be different if he carried ANY of the load but he doesn't. He contributes financially and that is it.

Chancing bam. DO NOT agree to this. He will use you up.

LadyJ2023 · 07/06/2023 16:53

I know you say you love him very much and of thays the case after all this time you've accepted what he is...but I mean even my 3 year old helps around the house. I could never see my hubby getting me to pay rent,mortgage,food etc while he followed a dream. You don't even sound like a good partnership never mind relationship. My hubby not only works he comes home and deals with our 4 kids,chores,making meals etc we do everything equally and that makes us happy