To not think this is a big deal? DH disagrees

[awedding1one]

A close friend of mine is getting married in a couple of months.

It's happened quite fast so she's pretty stressed and trying to pull everything together in time (the grooms mother is terminally ill and so they are wanting to do it sooner rather than later).

She is inviting children to the wedding and my daughter is close friends with her two along with some of the other children going of other mutual friends.

The issue is that my step children are not invited and my husband has taken issue with that and thinks it's unfair (they would be staying with DHs mum that evening although technically one is old enough to stay home alone too if they'd prefer). They are 15 and 12.

Husband thinks it's "mean" for me him and our DD to go out for the evening and leave DSC with grandparents (even though I imagine that's where they'd prefer to be).

I on the other hand can't see the issue at all and don't think it's mean whatsoever. It's the wedding of my friend who I honestly can't say has ever met DSC and who's child is good friends with our own DD hence her coming.

AIBU to think DH is being a bit OTT about this? He wants me to ask my friend to invite DSC as they are part of our family however I don't want to as I know she's already stressing about numbers and don't think it's fair to pressurise her into inviting who to her are two random teenagers who probably couldn't care less about being there.

This.

Your dh is already the "invite to be polite" person.
He then doesn't get to bring his dc as well.
It's not about him, and your step dc will be mature enough to grasp that, even if your dh isn't.

I think your DH is being unreasonable.

It's a last minute small wedding and your friend is going through a lot. I don't think it's mean or rude for your DSC who she never met to be invited to her wedding. If they lived with you full time and she knew them, then that would be another story.

I also don't see two teenagers wanting to go to a wedding of someone they don't know.

If your DH feels so strongly about it, he can always stay at home with them while you and your DD go. But I think that would be quite unreasonable.

If you're friend has never met them then of course it's normal weddings are about their day not every one else's blended set up.

It's does no one any favours to ignore normal things like this! Your DH needs to enjoy the day or stay with kids kids and you take someone else!

I think its meaning hin to put you in this position. Your friend has sent an invite and the step kids wont care about a boring wedding. They are going as friends of the bride's children. If you both, together or seperately, had a 40 year old child that she had never met, would either of you expect or be offended if that child wasnt invited?

I think he is putting you in an awkward position and being controlling about you over something you have no say in. Is he normally controlling or oversensitove about the stepchildren?

Then he can make other arrangements or stay home with them i.e. he can organise his own childcare to enable him to attend orndecline his share of the invitation.

Tbh the way he is carrying on I'd just say that the fairest thing to do is have him stay home with all three children.

How is it mean? The bride hasn’t met them. Is she meant to invite every child connected to her friends just in case someone takes issue with it?

this

this is actually easily solved by asking the teens if they want to go - they are likely to say no.

I know what you're saying but you can't ask them if they want to go to an event they aren't invited to. Yes is not an option.

And what if they say yes?

If numbers are limited and she has never even met DSC, yet has a close relationship to your DD then I don't see it as mean at all.

Thinking about it some more, we have been friends with some couples who we have got to know via our dc being friends / doing an activity together.
We've both hosted, and been invited to various events where the adults have been invited as couples, and the dc who are friends have been invited, but older siblings (who aren't step dc, just siblings who are older, and not friends with our dds) haven't been invited. Nobody has ever (as far as I am aware) thought to try to get invitations for those older siblings.

That's without the costs, and emotions involved in arranging a wedding.
the adults invite their friends, and the dc who is there invites their friend. The (child) friend doesn't get to invite their siblings anymore than I would ask if my adult brother or sister could come along.

This!

I think it is more appropriate for your husband to enjoy his access weekend with his children, than it is for your husband to pressurise your friend to add two strangers-to-her to her small wedding. Much better for him to drop out and ease her numbers.

Just swap the contact day and job done?

He’s being absolutely ridiculous. She doesn’t know them.

And no, of course I'm not going to refuse to go to a close friends wedding because teenagers who have no relationship with the couple getting married haven't been invited and likely wouldn't want to go anyway!

Quite right. He can stay at home with his older children. Might be nicer, anyway.

It's not actually.

Whether they wish to go is neither here nor there, they are not invited so don't get to choose to attend something they have not been invited to.

Honestly massively overthinking this, could you just swap days with mum though? Or if not arrange a nice night with grandparents so it's more of a treat then being sent elsewhere - eg cinema trip etc.

My own children aren't coming to my partners brothers wedding - they know partners brother but I would never of expected them to be invited and doubt they would want to go...

I don't think it's mean or a big deal at all.

The bride is your friend, not your husband's, and she doesn't even know your stepchildren. Basically the invitation is to you and your daughter, and your husband is going as your plus-one. So I don't think the bride is being mean, thoughtless or unfair. To her, your stepkids are two teenagers that she barely knows. She doesn't have any significance to them and they don't have any significance to her.

Also, when I was a teenager, some random person's wedding would have been my absolutely least fun way to spend an evening, so I'm sure your stepkids will be more than happy to give it a miss!

He needs to stay home with his children and you two go to the wedding. He needs to take this as an opportunity to spend alone time with his kids, which hopefully he is already doing. But, this is a great opportunity for them. Because let's all be serious. you and dd were invited and he was a plus one because it is actually rude not to invite the spouse.

When you consider how many weddings wont allow kids at all I really dont see how its mean to not invite two kids that no one knows.

Why don’t you just swap the days the DSC are coming to avoid this situation ? There is nothing wrong with them not being invited at all as they have no relationship with the bride and groom. Your DH is being overly sensitive about this. Most people these days have limited numbers at the wedding it’s unrealistic to expect that the the bride to be just add 2 children to the invitation that’s she doesn’t even know.

I'd have thought the teens would be delighted not to have to go to a wedding with a bunch of people they don't know. Think most teens find weddings boring at the best of times.

I am totally 100% with you on this, OP. As if the bride, who's your close friend, and groom haven't got enough on their plate to worry about with his terminally ill mum and the extortionate cost PER HEAD of wedding reception venues.

I can't imagine anything worse than being taken to a wedding as a teenager just to be 'en famille' for show, as your DH says. People will care about the couple not about whether your dsc's are there or not. Your DH is being ridiculously unempathetic to the couple's and your feelings re this, imo. Nobody asks for an invite to a wedding, NOBODY! Has he even asked his children how they feel about it?

“H. You’re only invited as my plus-one. She doesn’t know your children, why would she invite them? This is a stressful wedding. Her mother in law is dying. Stop trying to make it about you. Don’t come if you feel that strongly, I really don’t care.”