To not think this is a big deal? DH disagrees

[awedding1one]

A close friend of mine is getting married in a couple of months.

It's happened quite fast so she's pretty stressed and trying to pull everything together in time (the grooms mother is terminally ill and so they are wanting to do it sooner rather than later).

She is inviting children to the wedding and my daughter is close friends with her two along with some of the other children going of other mutual friends.

The issue is that my step children are not invited and my husband has taken issue with that and thinks it's unfair (they would be staying with DHs mum that evening although technically one is old enough to stay home alone too if they'd prefer). They are 15 and 12.

Husband thinks it's "mean" for me him and our DD to go out for the evening and leave DSC with grandparents (even though I imagine that's where they'd prefer to be).

I on the other hand can't see the issue at all and don't think it's mean whatsoever. It's the wedding of my friend who I honestly can't say has ever met DSC and who's child is good friends with our own DD hence her coming.

AIBU to think DH is being a bit OTT about this? He wants me to ask my friend to invite DSC as they are part of our family however I don't want to as I know she's already stressing about numbers and don't think it's fair to pressurise her into inviting who to her are two random teenagers who probably couldn't care less about being there.

Totally agree. It’s an absolute non event. I’m really surprised at some of the responses.

I can understand DH mentioning it but not making a drama about it. The teens have zero relationship with bride and groom - why on earth would they be invited?

No YANBU. Just tell the DSC about it and ask if they are ok about it. Tell them you'll have an extra night with them some other time and do something interesting. I'm sure they won't want to go anyway.

Then tell your DH he's being a nob.

I think if your dh feels that strongly then he should stay at home with his kids while you and dd go to the wedding. You absolutely should not request extra invites from the bride, that would be very rude. I thinks it’s totally ok for the bride to have not invited your sc that she has never met, nor had any relationship with.

If they lived with you full time and knew your friend I'd say she was being mean, there was a post recently about a close relative not inviting stepchildren based on the fact they were only 'step-children' and I thought it was incredibly mean and selfish, but it was a different situation entirely.

Your DH is probably sensitive to his children not being included in 'family' things, but in this instance I'd say he needs to wind his neck in, it's not about them, they aren't being purposely excluded because of who they are, it's because they don't know anyone involved in the wedding.

I don’t think it’s mean - not only has she not met them, this situation could arise, even among direct siblings. For example, my DD’s godmother got married and she invited me, my partner and her. DS x2 stayed with grandparents. She was singled out as she had a special relationship with my friend. I didn’t bat an eyelid and nor did my DS’s.

It certainly is for the bride. She has more important things on her plate, her ill fil, than a man child’s “hurt feelings” that are more likely guilty feelings he has for leaving his first family and trying to compensate for that by getting them invited to a wedding where they don’t even know any of the wedding party and probably wouldn’t want to go anyway. The wedding is also predicated on the illness of the bride’s father in law, so shame on him for making someone else’s wedding about himself and very likely his own guilty conscience. It’s common behavior of the parent who left. Trying to “make up” for leaving. His behavior is evidence of this.

The Op is correct in her assessment, given the context, that it is not a big deal for teen and preteen to be invited. And the bride didn’t invite them. She can invite or not invite whomever she please. Case closed.

It’s not mean of the bride not to invite your dsc.
She doesn’t know them, they don’t know her and they don’t live with you full time.
I’m surprised your DH can’t see reason over this. He can’t really be blamed for being a tiny bit disappointed that you can’t all go as a family especially as it’s their weekend to be with you, and it’s lovely to do special things together.
But yes, I would certainly expect him to be able to get over it like an adult and realise that it’s not up to others to make up for situations that arise like this in a blended family.
He could either try to swap the weekend so that the dsc are not with you on the wedding weekend in which case, they won’t even know you are attending a wedding or he could stay home with them while you and your dd go alone.
Either way, he should stop taking offence over the lack of invite for them.

*pleases

My best friend had a very small wedding (40 people) and I was invited (and her bridesmaid) but my long term boyfriend wasn't!

He/We didn't take it personally. When you need to keep numbers down you have to draw a line.

I think you just RSVP for you and your daughter and let your H do something nice with his older children instead.
Your stepkids have never met the bride+groom and you and your DD have a close relationship with them. Your H needs to stop reading too much into this situation.

Why would 2 teenagers want to go to a wedding of someone theyhave never met?.

This for me too

I can’t see your dd’s age, but I get the impression she is v young, under 10? If so, it would be strange if they even compared themselves to her.

The poor woman's got a wedding to organise and a terminally ill parent. I doubt she's even remembered there are DSC involved if she hasn't met them!

I understand why your DH is a bit sore about it, but there are bigger hills to die on.

But equally perfectly fine for your DH not to go

Plan a family day out in a couple of weeks let the step children choose. That should calm it down.

Quite!

Of course it’s case closed for the bride, groom, and apparently even OP. If the DH wants to sulk about it that’s his problem to deal with.

I think it depends on your family dynamic.

And let's face it, at the end of the day, only the couple getting married have a say over who is invited.

If this was us, I would probably go with my daughter and leave husband at home with the step children. So you're not missing out and he doesn't feel like his children have been left out.

Or, if you really think the step children won't care, have a nice chat with them and your husband and offer to buy them a takeaway of their choice while they're with their GPs that night. I understand where your husband is coming from so it might be a nice way to smooth it over.

@whumpthereitis oh yeah it is for the bride and groom, but not for OP who still needs to deal with this with her husband

This^

I was the step child in this position while growing up. I rarely, if ever, got invited to DSM's family stuff because I didn't know them and they didn't know me. I would have been very unlikely to want to go even if I was invited.

And slightly derailing, but on a similar topic, Dad and DSM used to take my step brothers and sisters on holidays without me and other siblings and we were not at all upset/affected by it. Sometimes families don't have to include step children in plans.

That's easy though surely? 'X and Y are not invited, I'm afraid, darling. If you'd rather decline the invite and stay at home with them, I quite understand. DD and I will obviously be going to the wedding as DD is close friends with the bride's girls.' The end, no drama unless OP's DH wants to create it.

Just out of curiosity, is your DH always so pedantic about doing things with all children involved?

Why on Earth would two teens want to go to a wedding of someone they’ve never met!?

Tell your DH it’s just the way it is and you’re not going to be adding stress to your friend.

If it was your sibling getting married it’d be totally different.

No, not mean and not against any established etiquette. If the bride is already stressed, then show up and be supportive. She can invite precisely who she wants.

Poor woman has more than enough on her plate.

I cannot imagine the mix of emotions to be rushing a wedding to include your beloved dying MIL.

So awful and stressful.

Says a lot about your husband that he is making it about him and two children she hasn't met.

I really wouldn't be entertaining him or his self absorption.

It will most likely be a very emotional wedding for everyone involved.