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Original poster

To not think this is a big deal? DH disagrees

261 replies

awedding1one · 05/06/2023 12:32

A close friend of mine is getting married in a couple of months.

It's happened quite fast so she's pretty stressed and trying to pull everything together in time (the grooms mother is terminally ill and so they are wanting to do it sooner rather than later).

She is inviting children to the wedding and my daughter is close friends with her two along with some of the other children going of other mutual friends.

The issue is that my step children are not invited and my husband has taken issue with that and thinks it's unfair (they would be staying with DHs mum that evening although technically one is old enough to stay home alone too if they'd prefer). They are 15 and 12.

Husband thinks it's "mean" for me him and our DD to go out for the evening and leave DSC with grandparents (even though I imagine that's where they'd prefer to be).

I on the other hand can't see the issue at all and don't think it's mean whatsoever. It's the wedding of my friend who I honestly can't say has ever met DSC and who's child is good friends with our own DD hence her coming.

AIBU to think DH is being a bit OTT about this? He wants me to ask my friend to invite DSC as they are part of our family however I don't want to as I know she's already stressing about numbers and don't think it's fair to pressurise her into inviting who to her are two random teenagers who probably couldn't care less about being there.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2023 15:32

Morred · 05/06/2023 13:55

You can agree with your DH here that the most important thing is that the step-kids don't feel excluded or pushed out.

At their ages, I think you can have a chat with them about. Say that you and DD have been invited because your friends with the bride/bride's daughter, and the bride invited DH as part of the family. It was a bit thoughtless of her not to think of you two, but she has a lot on her plate (explain situation). We really don't like the idea of us going off to a wedding without you, but it would probably be pretty boring. What do you want to do? I think it's rude to ask for more invitations, but it's more important to us that you know we love you and you're part of the family. So I can see if you could come for the evening's fun part, or you can have a sleepover with grandparents and we'll do [something nice and more teen-appropriate]another time with you instead.

This is just making it into a waaaaay bigger deal than it needs to be and likely to make them feel upset when they probably wouldn't be otherwise.

ChickenBurgers · 05/06/2023 15:34

Of course you don’t think it’s mean, it doesn’t affect your DC. It is mean to not invite them. If the choose to not attend, that’s different, but to exclude them completely is very mean spirited, sorry.

GulesMeansRed · 05/06/2023 15:38

There's another thread running about whether inviting children to a wedding is a thing of the past.

Maybe this is part of the reason why. A wish to avoid the dramatics around not inviting two teens who the bride and groom DON'T KNOW and who are the kids of someone the bride's friend happens to be married to.

Of course they shouldn't be invited.

Tinkerbyebye · 05/06/2023 15:41

If you DH is that concerned he can stay home with his kids and you go with your daughter. You might enjoy it more as he sounds like he might sulk

frazzledasarock · 05/06/2023 15:42

I can’t see why this is mean.

the wedding is happening quickly to ensure a mother is able to see her son get married before she dies.

the bride hasn’t met your DSC

Your dc is friends with the brides dc.

this is your friends wedding not a relatives.

your husband needs to stop making this about himself. My DC would have hated being dragged to a wedding of people they’d never met.

LifeIsPainHighness · 05/06/2023 15:42

My god what a drama llama he sounds!

Would your SC even WANT to go to the wedding of a stranger rather than their granny’s?

UsingChangeofName · 05/06/2023 15:49

I to am surprised by some of the responses.
Your dh is being ridiculous.
As so many have said, what 12 and 15 yr old would want to go to the wedding of someone they've never met?
Why does anyone think that anyone arranging a wedding should invite teenagers they've never met, let alone in these difficult circumstances?
YANBU at all. Your dh needs to give his head a wobble.

BungleandGeorge · 05/06/2023 15:52

youre Going out to what is usually a family occasion without half the family, yes that’s a bit odd. It’s pretty normal to invite children and partners of your friends even if you don’t have much of a direct relationship with them. How much time does he spend with his children? If it’s much less than 50:50 I think he should really prioritise that time and not leave them with relatives

LifeIsPainHighness · 05/06/2023 15:54

UlrikakakaJ · 05/06/2023 12:37

I think it’s mean too. Do you have just the one biological DC? How would you feel if the bride invited only one of your biological children?

That’s not the same thing at all

BungleandGeorge · 05/06/2023 15:56

UsingChangeofName · 05/06/2023 15:49

I to am surprised by some of the responses.
Your dh is being ridiculous.
As so many have said, what 12 and 15 yr old would want to go to the wedding of someone they've never met?
Why does anyone think that anyone arranging a wedding should invite teenagers they've never met, let alone in these difficult circumstances?
YANBU at all. Your dh needs to give his head a wobble.

Come off it most children aren’t invited because they are terribly close friends of the bride and groom and want to watch them get married. They attend with their parents for what is essentially a party with nice food and disco and other kids. Not all teens are sullen no joiners many kids enjoy a good party

Kimchikeffir · 05/06/2023 15:59

In these cases I ask myself, what would the step children’s biological mother do in a similar situation?
She wouldn’t take my dd to her friends wedding.
It’s the same with family holidays. My stepchildren’s mother has never helped out with my kids or taken them on a family holiday, so I feel no guilt in not reciprocating. My husband can do what he wants with them.

Laureltime · 05/06/2023 16:02

He is so utterly focused on his kids being treated equally he’s lost sight of what’s reasonable. Of course they shouldn’t be invited to a wedding of a couple they have never met and it’s appalling he wants you to ask them for an invite. How rude and self absorbed of him.

nidgey · 05/06/2023 16:05

Morred · 05/06/2023 13:55

You can agree with your DH here that the most important thing is that the step-kids don't feel excluded or pushed out.

At their ages, I think you can have a chat with them about. Say that you and DD have been invited because your friends with the bride/bride's daughter, and the bride invited DH as part of the family. It was a bit thoughtless of her not to think of you two, but she has a lot on her plate (explain situation). We really don't like the idea of us going off to a wedding without you, but it would probably be pretty boring. What do you want to do? I think it's rude to ask for more invitations, but it's more important to us that you know we love you and you're part of the family. So I can see if you could come for the evening's fun part, or you can have a sleepover with grandparents and we'll do [something nice and more teen-appropriate]another time with you instead.

Oh my god, the absolute melodrama of all this. It's not thoughtless of the bride. Just tell your husband to say - DD is friends of the bride's DD so she's invited. So meanwhile, we hope you have fun with Granny, and make sure you offer to help her with anything she needs. See you tomorrow/later. And that's it!

johnnydeppsslipper · 05/06/2023 16:06

@awedding1one

Tell your dh it's not about how it looks regarding him and his dc it's actually about someone else's big day that's being organised quickly due to someone close being terminally I'll Hmm

Tell him to give his head a wobble.

Unfair is planning a quick wedding so said dying family member gets to see before they pass away. That's unfair Shock

Bookworm20 · 05/06/2023 16:06

Personally, if you think neither would want to go anyway, why don't you find that out first? Just tell them you aren't sure if dc are invited (any of the dc) and you'll find that out from friend, but if they are invited, would they want to even come anyway.

Hopefully they will both say no and then its problem solved. If they say yes they want to come, maybe tell your friend that the dsc are with you that weekend, so its a bit awkward, and is there a chance they can come for the evening bit, where its likely not a cost per head? if its cost per head thats different, but evening part generally isn't.

Hopefully they both not want to come anyway if you paint it as boring enough to them and then that will be that.

WateryDoom · 05/06/2023 16:06

Your friend has done nothing wrong. DH is ridiculous.

Why would she want two teens she's never met at her wedding? Why would she want to PAY for two strangers to be there? Why would they want to go celebrate the day of a woman they have no connection to?

He's daft. Of course she's invited only the people she actually knows and wants to share her day with.

And frankly, she sounds like she's got enough on her plate without your DH being a diva.

Workawayxx · 05/06/2023 16:08

I can see how he would feel a bit strange about it but also don’t think your friend is being u. My best friend had a wedding of 40 and couldn’t invite partners or DC.

in this instance the right way to fix it is for your dp not to go and to stay with dsc rather than asking your df for extra invites which would be v unreasonable.

sheworemellowyellow · 05/06/2023 16:10

This isn't a family occasion. Really, you are the guest. She's inviting your DH as your +1, and your DD as her DD's friend.

Your DH is looking at this as a family outing/event. It's not. Unless you all socialize as families (which it doesn't seem like you do as she hasn't even met your SDC despite EOW stays).

Outofthepark · 05/06/2023 16:14

happylittletree · 05/06/2023 12:34

It is mean. Not sure whether it's worth raising this with your friend, but your husband isn't wrong about that.

But context is everything. They're throwing the wedding together at lightning speed because someone is dying. Let's face it, it's not a normal situation.

It's fine to explain it's a unique situation to the step kids and would never usually happen, and their understanding - and your DH - can be really supportive by supporting that. You can always plan a very special treat for step kids to reward them/make sure they are getting a special day too.

BungleandGeorge · 05/06/2023 16:17

Kimchikeffir · 05/06/2023 15:59

In these cases I ask myself, what would the step children’s biological mother do in a similar situation?
She wouldn’t take my dd to her friends wedding.
It’s the same with family holidays. My stepchildren’s mother has never helped out with my kids or taken them on a family holiday, so I feel no guilt in not reciprocating. My husband can do what he wants with them.

Why would you ask yourself that? It’s not at all comparable unless your children’s’ father happens to be married to her

SamW98 · 05/06/2023 16:19

Morred · 05/06/2023 13:55

You can agree with your DH here that the most important thing is that the step-kids don't feel excluded or pushed out.

At their ages, I think you can have a chat with them about. Say that you and DD have been invited because your friends with the bride/bride's daughter, and the bride invited DH as part of the family. It was a bit thoughtless of her not to think of you two, but she has a lot on her plate (explain situation). We really don't like the idea of us going off to a wedding without you, but it would probably be pretty boring. What do you want to do? I think it's rude to ask for more invitations, but it's more important to us that you know we love you and you're part of the family. So I can see if you could come for the evening's fun part, or you can have a sleepover with grandparents and we'll do [something nice and more teen-appropriate]another time with you instead.

No the most important thing is that the bride and groom get the wedding THEY want and make it a special day giving their terminally ill relative beautiful memories.

The thoughts of a couple of teenagers they’ve never met and their father who is invited as a plus one are really of no importance whatsoever here.

aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2023 16:19

sheworemellowyellow · 05/06/2023 16:10

This isn't a family occasion. Really, you are the guest. She's inviting your DH as your +1, and your DD as her DD's friend.

Your DH is looking at this as a family outing/event. It's not. Unless you all socialize as families (which it doesn't seem like you do as she hasn't even met your SDC despite EOW stays).

Exactly. Some people seem really obsessed with the idea that wedding invites are always "as a family" and should be taken as a comment on who the bride and groom think your family is.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 05/06/2023 16:23

tell your husband to stay home then with his kids and you and your daughter have a nice day and night out

he's making a big deal over nothing tbh and sounds like it be more fun without him

Morred · 05/06/2023 16:27

SamW98 · 05/06/2023 16:19

No the most important thing is that the bride and groom get the wedding THEY want and make it a special day giving their terminally ill relative beautiful memories.

The thoughts of a couple of teenagers they’ve never met and their father who is invited as a plus one are really of no importance whatsoever here.

Show quote history

That's the most important thing for the bride and the bride's friend. It's clearly not the most important thing for OP's DH.

billy1966 · 05/06/2023 16:30

johnnydeppsslipper · 05/06/2023 16:06

@awedding1one

Tell your dh it's not about how it looks regarding him and his dc it's actually about someone else's big day that's being organised quickly due to someone close being terminally I'll Hmm

Tell him to give his head a wobble.

Unfair is planning a quick wedding so said dying family member gets to see before they pass away. That's unfair Shock

Agree.

I would be mortified to be married to someone so dim and self absorbed 🙄

As if ANYONE would notice him at all.
🙄