Is it acceptable to judge a persons potential for a date based on their job ?

[AnyaMarx]

I'm very curious to know what people actually think.

There is a thread here asking about whether to date someone based on their job .

Is that a thing ?

Would you date a bin man ?
Would you date a hairdresser?
Would you date a defence lawyer ?

Would it matter what a person does for a living or would you base any decisions on if they're nice and if you like them ?

Is it ever acceptable to base a decision on career choices?

If it is - is that the same as basing your decision on other things like skin colour or hair colour ?

Is it acceptable to say for instance "id never date a person with ginger hair ?

I'm curious as to where the line is .
It seems acceptable to say I wouldn't date a xxxx (met detective) for example

So is that the same as saying I wouldn't date a soldier?
A man with ginger hair ?
A hairdresser?
A man with glasses?

Is it ok to verbalise this if that's how you feel ?
It's made me very curious as to what's acceptable to say , or not to say but think ?

There is a thread on aibu asking whether to date a man based on his career and I wondered if this was substituted for a person of colour or a man with ginger hair or a social worker would it get the same response ?
Is it ok to say my stereotype dictates I shouldn't date a person who is xxxx
Or works as a xxxx
And whether that's ok to say even if you think it . ? Should we be able to say anything based on that ? Is any stereotyping ok if that's how we feel ? Whether that be based on career, colour , hair type , glasses , facial features, where does it end ?
Obviously anyone can say no to a date for ANY reason.....

You should, for lying to you!

It's a thread judging a character by a job choice and is reflective of what is seen in the media virtually saying everyone who chooses that career path is a mysogonistic potential rapist etc. Which is ridiculous. Any profession will have criminals, abusers etc. Your guard should be up for everyone you meet

Another thing if you are planning children is flexibility, so that childcare responsibilities and drop offs, collections, sick days etc can be shared. Will there be options for the person to go part time as well?

Then there is the level of stress. Is work going to be all-consuming or unpredictable meaning things have to be cancelled at short notice? Is it likely to make them ill or burned out in the longer term? Or is it physically dangerous?

These are all important things that will impact a relationship. To some people some will matter, others to others, and to some people maybe none of it matters at all.

Why OP does "discriminating" specifically based on career strike you as an issue? I mean, surely people discriminate based on all sorts of criteria about a person, isn't that kind of the point of dating, to find out if someone is a match for you? With some things like whether they are physically attractive it may be obvious straight away of course but others like their personality it may take a bit of dating to find out. But in the end it is all about "discriminating" those compatible with you from those who are not? And I'd say someone's work will actually be a major factor in impacting a relationship more than many other considerations.

Hmmmm... well. I have a couple of (female) friends in the police and based on their reports, it is an incredibly toxic and misogynistic culture and does attract a certain type of man to it, although there are exceptions. It also involves very unsociable hours generally. It also has a huge psychological impact on people and they end up having to be quite emotionally detached to cope, and often end up with PTSD. And it is pretty poorly paid unless you become very senior. So while it's clearly ridiculous to say everyone in the police is X, if I was dating I'd definitely give anybody in that career I wide berth. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It depends what people want. Helena Morrissey is a very successful career woman with 9 children and a husband who is a SAHD. I have a friend who took two years out after her second child and then swapped with her husband, he is now a SAHD and she's been focusing on career. Then later they will both go part time again.

But many women now do not want to be financially dependent on a man, not do they want to be the sole earner, so they want an equal partner who will share earning and home responsibilities so they don't get dumped with having to do most of the stuff at home as well as working. This rules out people in certain jobs who would not be in a position to do that.

I didn't want to date a store cleaner. Not because he was a cleaner, but because of his attitude. He brags about doing the bare minimum work he can get away with at work and refuses to work a minute over the minimum hours required to claim top up benefits. It was that attitude which made him sound like he'd be a lazy man child and that was one of the things that put me off him.

I would!

But there's one big potential difference between a hospital doctor and police, which is that the former have higher average earnings, plus more of them end up on consultant salaries than the really good police salaries. So there's more chance of being able to throw money at the problem. I still wouldn't fancy it though.

The comparison with job and skin or hair colour is confusing to me; the former is a choice about how you spend your time and contribute to society and the latter simply appearance.

Anyway I wouldn't write someone off entirely based on their job but it contributes heavily to the overall picture for me. For instance, someone might be working casually with good reason as they need to be available for childcare or whatever.

If someone is work shy or spends his time moaning about work while not changing anything that is a massive turnoff for me.

I have one hard rule though - no barmen.

If my OH died tomorrow, I'd probably just get more cats, having heard too many nightmare stories of the hell that is dating over 40, but yes, I think (like most people) I do have some biases, conscious or unconscious.

I probably wouldn't date somebody who worked in Conservative head office, for example, or an abattoir, because I'm a left-leaning vegetarian and either of those choices would, for better or worse, feel like making life difficult for myself for no reason.

Now, perhaps I am completely unreasonable, they're lovely hypothetical people (I've decided to call them Giles and Pete in my head, btw), and I'm doing myself out of years of happiness because I can't past my own prejudices. But, you know, I'm only human.

The one 'occupation' I will never entertain ever again (having had too much of it in my younger days) is the starving artist type - the ones who bum through life as waiters / baristas / petrol station attendants (nothing wrong with any of those jobs in principle, btw) because they're waiting to make it big with their next single / novel / hand-thrown pot or whatever.

Why OP does "discriminating" specifically based on career strike you as an issue? I mean, surely people discriminate based on all sorts of criteria about a person, isn't that kind of the point of dating, to find out if someone is a match for you? With some things like whether they are physically attractive it may be obvious straight away of course but others like their personality it may take a bit of dating to find out. But in the end it is all about "discriminating" those compatible with you from those who are not? And I'd say someone's work will actually be a major factor in impacting a relationship more than many other considerations.
Agree with this. The whole point of dating is to find out if someone is right for you and you're right for them.

The alternative to discriminating (aka selecting people who share your values, work patterns, life aspirations, priorities) is demanding everyone you date accepts and adores you exactly as you are and sets aside their own priorities and values in life. That's a much more problematic approach to dating in my opinion.

I'm a nurse and I'd say no to dating other nurses. I have done in the past, getting stuck talking shop all the time, clashing/incompatible schedules etc would be big reasons.

I've dated guys from various walks of life, and bigger turn offs are, lack of respect for education I.e "school/college/uni are a waste of time" and self-deprecation I.e "why would YOU want to date me, when I'm only a bin-man".... I've walked away for both of these reasons in the past. They weren't big men one was a lorry driver and one a community support worker for adults with learning disabilities. I didn't care, it was nice to hear about some else's different day.

Swipe away any bloke that lists "university of life" on his profile, that's a red flag for the above behaviours

I ended up not dating a chef, because we didn't have any mutually free time.

I want someone who shares my values and has enough intelligence and education to keep up with me. That's more likely (but not limited to) with certain professions, though a binman could be doing other things on the side. They're certainly essential, but there's a difference between dating someone and employing them. Can't say I'd be keen on the early starts...

I definitely consider a person's career choice when deciding about dating them because it can give an indication of whether our values and interests align. People who work in health and social care, forensics, law (some areas), and the death industries are likely to understand my work and share values (although I may find out I'm wrong after meeting them). People who work in finance or the armed forces are less likely to align with my values.

I consider field of work far more than likely salary, e.g. I'd rather date a support worker than a hedge fund manager.

Do you give your female police friends a wide birth? They must be power crazy emotionally detached individuals too.

I have plenty of female friends I would never date! Don’t you? You can put up with differences between friends that would be absolute dealbreakers in a life partner.

Nrtft

Ofc its acceptable to decide based on someone's career you don't want to or do want to date them - if it goes anywhere then that becomes part of your life

Ofc somethings would be more important to weigh up than others - hairdresser Vs job that is shift work and risking life daily

Agree with this. The whole point of dating is to find out if someone is right for you and you're right for them.

Exactly. It's absolutely absurd to say that preferences for partners based on something as central and potentially highly personality-related as their choice of job are unacceptable, when people are quite happy to talk about preferences based on far, far more trivial things. Just read one of those 'What things do you find really attractive in a man?' threads. Suggesting it's unacceptable to choose or reject a partner based on their appearance is also daft.

I’d never date a Tory. Full stop - either a party member in any guise or a voter!

Other than that, no real rules: personality, morals and how a person acts etc is more important to me.

🤷‍♀️🤐🙃

One of the cleverest and most talented men I've ever known worked as a bin man for a few years. It was relatively well paid in those days, and meant he got the afternoons free to do the school run and spend time on his music.

Someone else I used to know completed a PhD while working as a postman.

I would choose not to date someone based on their job, on their hair colour on their clothes, on whether they are a dog vs cat person, whether they are too close to their mothers, whether they like heavy metal etc etc etc

I don't really care what anyone thinks and have always been honest whilst participating in general discussions about "turn offs".

I find once one person opens the floodgates everyone else follows with a list of random things.

There's always one or two outraged though, which is fun.

This has been really interesting so thank you . M yeah I probably do get a bit defensive sometimes because I hate the stereotype that police have become (and yes I realise that is a problem of the organisations own making mostly )

Anyway interesting read - did get me thinking because I wouldn't date a gamekeeper or a slaughterhouse worker - im not vegan - but I couldn't date someone who did a job I associate with cruelty so that was good for thought !

Thanks for the replies and humouring me !

Its not just stereotypes of the police, it may also be people's personal experiences with them. I was the victim of an armed robbery by two men with guns. The police were shit. No follow up, no support, they got angry with me because I couldnt remember their facial features (I was in shock, and they were wearing balaclavas). Like, sorry my mind went went blank during the period I thought I was about to be shot. To this day I have no idea if they were ever caught or not because noone bothered to let me know. I have friends who have had similar experiences. I'm afraid I wouldnt date someone from the police either.

My vagina is not an equal opportunities public service. I’ll discriminate on whatever grounds I feel like, and sometimes that might be a job incompatible with my lifestyle or values.

I’m not a dick though, so I wouldn’t be rude about something a person can’t or shouldn’t have to change if they don’t want to, like their appearance or their job.

Totally agree with all of this. I don’t owe anyone a date or sex.

I also don’t get how working to look past something is in any way flattering to the other person! I want someone who loves me for me, the whole of me, not someone who has to work on finding me attractive! Yuck. What a turn off.

It goes both ways. I am quite sure there are plenty of people who wouldn’t want to date me either and I’m fine with that. They don’t owe me a date either. I have found plenty of people who do find me attractive that I am not going to waste my precious time worrying about the ones who don’t want to date me. That’s just a negative and pointless exercise.

It's very narrow minded.