Is it acceptable to judge a persons potential for a date based on their job ?

[AnyaMarx]

I'm very curious to know what people actually think.

There is a thread here asking about whether to date someone based on their job .

Is that a thing ?

Would you date a bin man ?
Would you date a hairdresser?
Would you date a defence lawyer ?

Would it matter what a person does for a living or would you base any decisions on if they're nice and if you like them ?

Is it ever acceptable to base a decision on career choices?

If it is - is that the same as basing your decision on other things like skin colour or hair colour ?

Is it acceptable to say for instance "id never date a person with ginger hair ?

I'm curious as to where the line is .
It seems acceptable to say I wouldn't date a xxxx (met detective) for example

So is that the same as saying I wouldn't date a soldier?
A man with ginger hair ?
A hairdresser?
A man with glasses?

Is it ok to verbalise this if that's how you feel ?
It's made me very curious as to what's acceptable to say , or not to say but think ?

There is a thread on aibu asking whether to date a man based on his career and I wondered if this was substituted for a person of colour or a man with ginger hair or a social worker would it get the same response ?
Is it ok to say my stereotype dictates I shouldn't date a person who is xxxx
Or works as a xxxx
And whether that's ok to say even if you think it . ? Should we be able to say anything based on that ? Is any stereotyping ok if that's how we feel ? Whether that be based on career, colour , hair type , glasses , facial features, where does it end ?
Obviously anyone can say no to a date for ANY reason.....

My reasons for not actively wanting to date a TV presenter are more to do with the long hours, being uncomfortably adjacent to the public eye and tabloid interest, and the fact that people who want to do that job are exhaustingly extroverted. It wouldn't be a red line or anything but those are sensible considerations, I think.

Tbh men have more than enough preferences for women.
So if women want to have salary/job preferences in a man I don't see the issue.

The thing is, though, that the lines between blue collar and white collar jobs are becoming increasingly meaningless.

There's a vast range of incomes available within both classifications, ditto political views, work ethics etc. And developments such as AI mean that white collar is losing a lot of its security, financial advantage and cachet

"White collar" could range from a legal clerk or a regional journalist on minimum wage up to a corporate lawyer taking home an annual bonus of £1 million plus. "Blue collar" could be a park keeper taking home about £20k annually or an electrician doing corporate jobs earning £150k pa. How would classify IT workers? Are they blue collar or white collar?

Equally white collar workers could be highly intelligent people with multiple degrees or people who barely finished school. They could be hard right Tories or progressive lefties. It's a meaningless way to characterise people.

Obviously you want what you want and you're entitled to want this, but I think this kind of arbitrary distinction is based on outdated and increasingly meaningless parameters and if I'm totally honest I think this is usually a triumph of snobbery over logic.

Hmmm well I definitely didn't care back in my dating days. My husband was working in a supermarket when we met (as was I, it's how we met!) and didn't have any real ambition or career goals. Today he is a very high earner and extremely ambitious but you wouldn't have predicted it back then.

We were only 20 when we met though so it's a lot different. Now I'm 35, I think it would be a consideration if I'm being honest.

I used to judge for potential dates- purely because I wasn’t looking for ‘potential in life’, I’m looking for a life. I had a mortgage on my own flat (now rent it out as I live with DP so it’s a secondary income for me), had finished my masters, travelled, had built my financial ‘emergency fund’ to cover a few months living expenses should I lose my job. I wasn’t looking for a man who couldn’t match that, I didn’t want a ‘work in progress’ nor a man who couldn’t improve my life.

I know I want children, would like to drop my hours to very much part time once married and to live more rurally once I have a family. So based on this I’ve only ever dated men with incomes which could support this who were also educated and stable. It’s also to do with what we would have in common/things we may have sacrificed in the past to meet our goals. For example, I’m not going to have much in common with somebody who didn’t value their education/sacrifice social things for their early career…
I believe it works too! A friend of mine was VERY clear in what she wanted and is now engaged to a guy who used to work (now retired) in private equity…. On the moral side, I wouldn’t date a police officer or anybody who has links to racist organisations.

Surely this also comes back to age? I’m 28 so probably more discerning than a 20 year old would be. I imagine the same is even more true from 30s onwards!

I do have a list of men I wouldn't date but I'd only talk about it in real life with those I was very close to. It's my life and I can opt not to date whomever I want. I would never turn someone down in a way which would hurt, upset or belittle them but I'm not obliged to date anyone.

I'd have a fling with a binman but I wouldn't date him. I wouldn't date him because of his job, I want a man who earns at least the same as me. I want children and I expect to take a year of maternity leave, I want someone whose income matches mine so we are not struggling during that time. For the same reason, I wouldn't date someone who was not working.

I used to think I wouldn't date a policeman or criminal lawyer as I was worried criminals would follow him home. I dated a policeman though and nothing bad happened.

I wouldn't date or have a fling with men in some jobs because of the smell - butchers/abbatoir workers/meat packers.

I hope that the men I date have similar values to me but I wouldn't be questioning them on their values/political leanings on a first date. In fact, most of the men I have dated, I don't know which political party they voted for as it's not something I openly discuss in the real world. I would rather judge them on how they act than on which party they support.

I don't think I would want to date someone who had moved to this country and whose family were in their native country as I would worry they may want to return home at some point and my life is here.

I wouldn't want to date someone from an entirely different culture to mine, or anyone particularly religious of any religion, as I would worry about how we would bring up children.

I wouldn't date anyone with a criminal past, anyone who had children with more than one woman, anyone who didn't want children, anyone who still lived with their parents (except perhaps if they'd moved back home to care for their parents) or anyone who wanted an entirely different lifestyle to me (I could never live in a city, for example). I couldn't date a younger man (more than a couple of years younger) or a significantly older man (probably no more than 10 years or so older than me).

I do have characteristics which I find less sexually attractive, however, these are less fixed. If someone does not fit my idea of being sexually physically attractive, I may still be attracted to him if he is, for example, funny. I have dated men who do not fit my idea of physically attractive.

There are certain men I wouldn't date:
-any job that involves significant shift work

• a man who doesn't drive
• someone without a good work ethic. I don't really care what job someone does as long as they're committed and get up every day and put in a days work
• someone who has a child that they don't have any involvement

Of course it’s acceptable. Dating isn’t an equal opportunity activity where you’re obliged to consider any and all.

I might have an "I'd never date a short man " rule but if I asked here am I unreasonable to say I'd never date a man based on height ? I wonder what reaction I'd get

The key is never to ask, because in this scenario it doesn’t matter if others think you’re unreasonable. It’s entirely personal choice. Your reasons are your reasons. It’s one area of life where you can apply your own personal bias without ever having to justify it. Just keep schtum

Absolutely.

Also, I don't think it's actually very fair on the short man/police officer/insert own foible here if you know you don't want to date a person with that characteristic but do it anyway. I don't think I'd want someone who'd usually be put off me to decide I'm the test case.

It’s fine to have your own rules about who you would and wouldn’t date - we all do. I’m in a reasonably well-paid role and I’m ambitious; it wouldn’t work for me to date someone less well paid because we couldn’t have the lifestyle I want just on my salary. I also wouldn’t date someone with a child; I don’t want to be a wicked stepmother.

I wouldn't date a short man (at 5 10) but I am more than aware I may miss out on a nice man but I preferred to stay single than be seen as a huge lass compared to my partner. So it's a me thing rather than a thing for short men.

I also think about the debate about dating "lesbians with penis" or you are transphobic. Men don't really get that abuse at them if they don't date trans men (or trans women if straight)

I haven't read the thread, but I can completely understand why someone wouldn't want to date a police detective. Pretty much everything comes second to the job.

Why isn't it ok to have qualities you don't want in your partner? Whether that's a job that takes over their life, a hair colour that you don't find attractive, opposing political or religious beliefs or whatever else?

It's interesting that a man would be viewed poorly if he wanted to date a high earning woman so he could go part time. I feel like true equality would be this working both ways.

I wouldn't date a butcher, an airline pilot or a p#rn "star" so yeah guess it does make a difference within reason 😂

There do exist some women who want a partner who's happy to play second fiddle to their career and is willing to reduce hours etc. I know one.

But I think a lot of the time, women are making decisions in the understanding that we live in a society where the expectations of unpaid labour on us are much higher, and can't always be opted out of. I say this as someone with a DH who did go part time for childcare.

Personally job type doesn't bother me, they're earning money so why should it matter? Same for the other options you gave, things you mentioned like ginger hair or skin colour though, personally I'm white and haven't dated any person of colour or different ethnicity, but maybe that's because where I like it's 95% white people 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dating police officers (I haven't but work with many) , sure to shift work , not being able to clock out on time etc, however most people saying that it's their reason for not dating a Met detective probably wouldn't say the same about a hospital doctor....

I suspect many people don’t realise the reality until they are actually dating one - lots of us have experience of relationships and even marriages breaking down because the man can’t cope with a girlfriend/wife in a demanding role with shiftwork.

DH has openly said he would never date another doctor if we split, it just isn’t compatible with, well, me being a traditional wife and doing all the housework and childcare, basically. He is far from alone in this, plenty of men say they want an equal partner when what they actually mean is they want two equal incomes but still don’t appreciate having to do the school run themselves because you are on a long day.

So what if a man didn't drive because he has a medical condition. Is that different to if he chooses not to drive?

So I met my hubby- he worked in a supermarket. I outearn him massively about 4-5 times his salary.. guess what it makes no difference to us...
There were a few no go's for me when dating- but they were more ethical than anything else. Anything can change in a heartbeat- could have a stroke, a car accident etc tomorrow and where would you be in terms of a job and I see this regularly... I actually wanted someone who knew the power of saving something for a rainy day. For a just in case day and we both have savings of 2 months salary just in case...
Lots of men wouldn't date someone if the woman has more education and that also doesn't seem fair either

To say to who, though? Do you mean if asked on a date to tell the person you are declining them because of X? That seems needlessly cruel or rude.

To discuss with your friends, I don't see why you can't be honest about your preferences.

Different people are looking for different things after all, in all kinds of ways.

Some jobs would make your life more difficult if you were looking for a partner to have children with because they would have a large impact on your quality of life, for example anybody working away a lot or doing shift work or weekend work.

Likewise some industries have a very toxic work culture, or are high stress. This is likely to impact on your relationship in one way or another. Other industries are very low paid so if looking for a relationship just for dates that would be ok, although if they couldn't really afford to go out for interesting dates it would be a bit of a non-starter! And it would be a problem if you wished to cohabit or marry as you'd end up carrying someone else financially and potentially losing half of your assets if you divorced! Some people don't mind that but others would, understandably. Some people are looking for a meal ticket so deliberately try to target those earning more than they are. Others might be wary of people with certain types of self-employment as it can be precarious.

Other people are only attracted to people with more intellect so would want someone with that kind of job, others might want to find someone very focused on career if they are themselves so that it doesn't cause friction in the relationship, or the very opposite and want to find someone who views work as just a job because they also do.

Surely this is ok because like with any other characteristic when it comes to dating it us about compatibility, so not an implication that there is anything "wrong" with the person, just that they are not right for you?

My point on that thread was judge by the person not their job .

While this is true to an extent, the person chose the job so it does tell you something about what kind of person they are and what is important to them. And also the way it might practically impact the relationship if the dating was to be successful. There's not much point starting to date someone if you know you'd never progress it to something serious because of incompatibilities, unless you are just dating very casually for a bit of fun of course.

I would say exactly the same to a man, and will be to my son! When choosing a life partner people need to be practical, I wish I had been. A very expensive mistake and the impact on my children has been huge. I totally agree that I cannot imagine having a penis making it any more palatable to have an adult dependent or such an unequal relationship, having the burden of being the sole earner and getting less time with your children as a result. I think many men do not want this at all and try to weed out women who view them as an alternative to having a career of their own.

I'd rather date a bin man refuse collector than a lawyer.