Would you date a Met detective?

[singleforareason]

A quick poll. I suspect I’m being a little unreasonable. Not that I assume the toxic culture of someone’s workplace is any indication of their individual character but from Stephen Lawrence to Bibaa Henry, Nicole Smallman and Sarah Everard would anyone not see this job as a red flag?

It wasn’t a very clear opening post or poll!

I wanted to specify the Met rather than anyone working in policing as a whole.

Usually a bit of controversy doesn’t put me off people but it has been helpful to read all the responses. Seems a lot of people genuinely don’t comprehend the issues which probably comes from a fortunate lack of poor experiences.

Every job has its good and bad...

I very briefly dated a copper, he was vile, he hurt me, he made me do things sexually that I didn't want to do :-(

And as for his work, he was soooo racist, I've never met another person that was as racist as him. One day he was getting ready for work, he was really pumped up so I asked what had got him all excited, "the riots tonight" "what riots?" "the riots we're going to make happen" Sure enough there were riots that night :-(

I didn't bother trying to see him again which he didn't make easy, but I escaped that one.

I also watched a copper lie and lie when he was a witness in court, I was just a spectator, I knew he was lying and there was nothing I could do :-(

Then more recently I myself got into trouble with the police, I was witness to a person stealing a motorbike, now this person looked like a man, spoke like a man and I described him to the police as being male, big mistake, as I hadn't stopped and asked him if he was a man, I couldn't just presume he was male, I rolled my eyes, which the police decided was hostile behaviour on my part, next thing I know I'm nearly arrested. Fortunately I wasn't, but if I'm ever witness to anything again I'm saying nothing, I didn't see it.

I'll never date again anyway, but if I ever changed my mind I would never date a policeman.

What I find sickening is the amount of police officers taking 'freebies' from prostitutes in my area.

Google is full of stories on it and it's not just the Met Police abusing their power.

Mind you, a senior Met officer on £100,000 a year was allowed to keep his job last month, after it was discovered that he was a regular user of sex workers, although it seems he was at least paying them.

You do come across as someone rather unpleasant. You have made judgements about every person who works in a profession, based on your judgement of a single institution. There are many different police forces, even in London, and many different roles within them.

As a woman, I am appalled by your judgements, and judgement of others who do not follow your rhetoric. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, you do not speak for all women. I would actively avoid you and your bike views.

I would and have dated a police officer, although not from the Met. I think it is perfectly valid not to because the shifts wouldn't work for you, or you don't want to hear about the nasty things they deal with. It seems unfair to assume they are a racist/misogynist just because of their job though. Surely those are things that you would look out for in any relationship, and avoid at the first sign. I think in most cases values like that would become obvious pretty quickly.

I also find it quite concerning that several people posting on this thread have said they wouldn't trust even seemingly decent people in the police if they appear to be thriving in that culture. The end result of that type of thinking is surely that any decent people should avoid joining the police, which would mean leaving the role to be taken over by more and more of the wrong type of people. Surely everyone complaining about how awful the police are, should be encouraging their decent family members to join, so that things can change from within.

This attitude is profoundly worrying in a doctor, someone who works with vulnerable people. Your understanding is too poor to be able to identify appropriate boundaries, and the shaming people who get this in a way that you don't is the icing on the cake, really. Utterly awful.

The Metropolitan Police “clearly (has) got a problem” that needs to tackled - Dominic Raab

The Met has yet to free itself of institutional racism. Public consent is broken - Baroness Casey

The evidence is damning. Baroness Casey has found institutional racism, misogyny and homophobia, which I accept. - Sadiq Khan

I’m accepting we have racists, misogynists. I’m accepting, we’ve got systemic failings, management failings, cultural failings. This is about an organisation that needs to become determinedly anti-racist, anti-misogynist, anti-homophobic. - Sir Mark Rowley

some of the worst cultures, behaviours and practices” in terms of bullying, racism and sexism, and found that “normal rules do not seem to apply or be applied”. Newcomers to these groups often have to adapt to these established, toxic cultural norms if they want to succeed.
The review described sexist attitudes towards the (very few) female firearms officers, and reported officers being granted immunity and even encouraged to break rules.
The Casey review suggests that the institutional sexism in the Met doesn’t just affect officers, but also the women who need the Met’s services. As one officer told Casey review investigators, the force’s detection rate for rate is so low “you may as well say it’s legal in London - the Casey Review

The Independent Office for Police Conduct (IOPC) has issued recommendations to the Metropolitan Police Service (MPS) over safeguarding issues highlighted by referrals concerning the strip searching of children.

OP: I dont think all Met officers are racist etc but the work environment is toxic and I'm concerned about the risk

Some posters: you are despicable, a hyprocrite, he probably didnt want you anyway, police officers are noble, you are toxic, police officers are generally good people

I mean theres been a whole review that sets out in black and white that the OPs concerns arent unjustified. The Justice secretary, the mayor of london, the new Met commissioner and the independent office for police conduct all agree with her.

But still its lower your boundaries women, be kind, give everyone a chance no matter what, not all men are like that, how dare you put your concern for your own safety above mens needs

True. A bad postman who just doesn't like the look of you is likely to cause an equal amount of damage to your life as a bad police officer who similarly doesn't like the look of you.

Excellent post.

I said earlier I had, and would again just not that particular one bc he was a bit of a twat. Probably the reason I would despite him being a bit of a twat is he didn't dismiss that there are problems within the culture of the met and that the public, particularly women have lost confidence due to the way now ex colleagues have behaved.

It's not an easy job and deserves respect but dismissing the publics current lack of trust doesn't go far to rebuilding it and inspiring confidence that those who remain are trying to change the culture within it, not looking to protect those who shouldn't be working in it

Never ever. I would never date any copper and I'd be disappointed if either of my dc did. Love a football fan though...

No way.

Thanks for all your thoughts, it’s been good to examine my own biases and to conclude that they’re actually valid concerns after all.

On the basis of some of the posts on here I
*wouldn't date a teacher (one suddenly 'disappeared' from a school I was a pupil at)
*wouldn't date a doctor (one was known as 'cold finger' for a reason and all in the know avoided him)
*wouldn't date an accountant because one ran off with the money my parents had saved for the deposit on their first house.
Dating anyone from any profession comes with risks. And don't forget that the press highlights the cases of those who work in professions where they are supposed to care and protect the public. If I was single, I'd be happy to date someone from the Met, but as a Christian I'd approach things differently to many who post on Mumsnet. I'd not even think of sleeping with someone until we were married and there'd be a year or so of getting to know each other before we got married. Gives you time to get to know their friends and family, too. I'm not judging anyone who'd approach things differently, because I'm me and you're you and I've not walked in your shoes.

I really wouldn’t. End of.

The trouble with me is when I fancy someone I easily overlook areas of incompatibility because I’m not thinking long term. Getting into relationships with men is always a lot easier than getting out of them.

I still can’t think of a comparable job that calls someone’s character into question in the same way. This is the first time someone’s career choice has been the turn off.

And don't forget that the press highlights the cases of those who work in professions where they are supposed to care and protect the public.

Um yeah of course it does, the standards are higher. As they should be

And it isn't just a case of the press 'highlighting' those professions, the actual government has done a review and found that the accusations against the MET are not baseless. A few posts above a PP has highlighted quotes from the relevant authorities on the matter.

So again, until you can show we similar enquiries and findings into the accountancy governing board, or Ofsted, or the GMC, these comparisons are meaningless

This is so true. It's reporting bias, as when people in professions commit crimes, it gets more public attention. Yes, the standards of behaviour expected are higher, and rightly so. It doesn't mean the few bad eggs should tarnish everyone else in the same profession though.

What is it about the extensive investigations into the met so far that lead you to conclude it’s only a ‘few bad eggs’ rather than the institutional corruption that has been uncovered?

Yes I would. I'm married to a police officer (not met) and he's amazing so I would decide based on the individual.

Yes. Either your comparison will be to a body that has been shown to have the same problems as the police, in particular the Met, or it will be bollocks.

A couple of additions to my previous post. Police in our area are FAR from low pay. Even first years make close to $100,000 with mandatory OT. My DH is also really handsome and appealing and looks great in a uniform, which sadly he wears much less often in his current rank. 😉

We aren't referring to the press. My post above came from the actually Met Police Commissioner saying:

I’m accepting we have racists, misogynists. I’m accepting, we’ve got systemic failings, management failings, cultural failings.

Thats not the press, thats the man in charge of the Met

But still women are critisised if they are risk averse.

Of course if they take a risk and something goes wrong they are also criticised for that...

Its literally not a few bad eggs though. Have you read the recent review of the met police?