If you can be bothered, a few mistakes but I was gonna but didn’t write a blog on my dating experiences…During this time of self isolation I figured I should reflect on my time so far in the world of internet dating!
And oh how funny it has been - mostly. There really have been some corkers and why the heck would I not want to share them with everyone!
I firstly joined Tinder, after all it was the most talked about dating app that I had heard of. Well there was my first fail but I was yet to find out. Innocently setting up my profile, I began swiping. To be honest it was mostly left. I persevered thinking there must be someone who I even partially like somewhere. Eventually they trickled through so that boosted confidence that I wouldn’t grow into an old spinster; a lonely sad old woman. Ha ha! It was short lived.
First contact was with a chap who was Irish and the most perfect beard I had ever seen! Just immaculate and I don’t even like a beard! So there we are chattering away, swap numbers on his request and suddenly, it goes cold. Nothing! Ok, finding my feet, get back to it. Then the dick pics started flowing. Oh how unprepared I was for those. 😂 I actually panicked. Is this it! Men reverting to type. At our age?
I stumbled upon a news article about dating apps and found that Tinder was almost used for hook up. Ah, penny dropped, light bulb moment, new hope, everything will be ok after all. So that’s where I was going wrong! 🤦♀️
New app, new confidence!
Hinge. A little bit of chit chat. Not a lot more going on there for me although more recently a MILF message lols. I mean I’ll take it but it’s not gonna happen boyo! Now known as a short term liaison - you couldn’t make it up. Reminded him that it was a one night stand, or am I just showing my age?!
Bumble. Oh the lovely bumble where it asks you to make the first move if you are female. Nice idea but what the heck do you say. Mine is usually ‘Hiya x’ thrilling right?! But it kinda worked. I got responses and that that is what matters surely?! So I was on here and I was off here, in fact with all of these apps. The amounts of times I deleted the apps, got bored on an evening and then restarted - it is ridiculous. But in between all of this I joined Match.com! And here is where there are a few interesting ones.
The first chap who looked mildly appealing was a litigation chap with a hint of comedy. Messaged plenty, was funny and seemed semi normal. At the mention of swapping numbers I figured what the heck, let’s give it a try. So the famous WhatsApp and then a phone call. And I could never forget the first words he spoke. I had just put my daughter to bed and gone downstairs to have the conversation. Phonecall - Hi have you managed to get your daughter to sleep?’ ‘ Yes thanks, I have just come down to the conservatory just so I don’t wake her’ his reply ‘Fucking hell, where do you live, I’m in a two bed terraced’ So there was his charming introduction. By the end of the conversation, he was taking me to Butlins for a weekend, to the York Races and for a drink in Leeds. All a little overwhelming. He was a fairly funny chap with a semi decent sense of humour but just a bit rough around the edges for me. I eventually text him to say thanks but no thanks. My preference on a first meet, coffee, you don’t have to stay too long if you don’t like them then do you ha ha! (This has come in handy for future first dates) Anyway, fast forward to the new year and a message pops up in match again from him. We chatted again and I explained why I cancelled so he agreed coffee date before swiftly changing his mind and letting me know he would be drinking. Alarm bells? Oh yes. I cancelled. The final contact was a phonecall where he advised me of everything he was going to do to me. Pure filth. Telling me to get my scanties down - whoever firstly says that to a women and secondly what in gods name are scanties?! I sat there in the other end of the phone completely shocked. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Then it happened - ping; dick pic alert! Angry dick pic at that! Funniest thing was he immediately deleted not realising that most phones auto save WhatsApp pics! Not that I would do anything with it other than delete. Only when I went to delete it it wasn’t there, oh good I thought. So I immediately blocked him in my phone. Not realising his messages would still come through on my iPad - what the heck is that all about?! ‘Hey where have you gone, has WhatsApp stopped working?’ No mate you’re blocked, and take your angry dick pic with you! A few days later was browsing my photos and angry penis popped up, no idea why or how but swiftly deleted!
You also stumble across the matches with no pictures. So in the early days I humoured this guy but said no chance of any deep conversation until he put a pic on. True to form, he could have been my grandad. Nothing wrong with being into older men but I am not. Did he think I wouldn’t realise!
So then we get into the first date! Oh dear. Mr strangely possessive (Mr SP) So, having messaged then spoken and got on famously I figured a date would be good to try. Super nervous, I arrived and he wasn’t there! He had arrived early and then gone for a drive and got lost! Who does that really! Anyway, we go on the date and he seems ok. I am unsure. But nerves are just rubbish so I figure a second date would be cool to work out of there is a connection or not. At this point I am thinking should it be instant, can it come in a little time. Who knows. I now realise it most definitely should be instant but on with the story. So a second date arranged. A walk followed by a bite to eat. Lots of talking but I still wasn’t sure,, he in the other hand let me know that now he had met me he had deleted his match account. We arranged a third date for the following day but I cancelled, it was Christmas time and I had just been super busy and was just shattered actually. And a date so soon after a date - it wasn’t so bad. Instead we had a chat in the phone. All pleasant. The next day, I popped into match - checking the fan mail you know how it is 😂😂 and there he was. Ha ha, so much for deleting your account matey. Couldn’t resist a little message ‘oh strange, your back on’ reply - ‘yes well I dint know when I was seeing you next. If we san get some momentum going then fine’ I left things at that.
A few other none interesting conversations with other chaps. You know the ones where they message you with hello etc and you say hello back and then blank. No conversation skills. Mostly from the ones that say they ALWAYS message back and what’s wrong with people in here, does no one talk. Also, while I am on the subject, there seems to be a generic set of pics, topless, sat in the car and at the gym. A couple have filters and I am not kidding - bunny ears on a bloke, no thanks!
So back to Mr SP, we are now in the New Year and I get a message apologising for his behaviour, blah blah. My rely, ok no worries, we can be friends. Then suddenly, somehow, I end up agreeing a date 🤦♀️ how did that happen.
So, Friday, the cinema. He lived a fair distance away so was going to stay in a hotel nearby. His choice and definitely none of that thank you very much. So, what happened next. Well, I only mixed up my champagne afternoon tea date! I had clashed in error! Now I wasn’t missing my afternoon tea for anyone, it was a birthday treat with a best friend. So explained to Mr SP the situation and we agreed that he would pick me up for the cinema as I would have had a drink.
So he arrived at my house. We set off. Then he advises me that he hasn’t eaten. Oh, ok. Well we had previously agreed that we wouldn’t eat together. So I had to endure him eating his tea in a restaurant and I sat and watched. By the time he had finished, we had missed the cinema. Popped to the shopping centre next door, a glass of wine and home time. And the whole time, he would not let go of my hand. Even when he was driving, like a contortionist so that he could still cling onto me. It was the strangest experience ever on a date.
Well apart from years ago when I was much younger, I went to the cinema on a date and I the way home, the chap I was with needed the toilet. He had eaten too much popcorn I think. 😂😂 Anyway, he pulled into a lay-by and had a pooh, yes a pooh on the grass verge. I hope you are laughing because that’s what me and my girlfriends did when I told them about it afterwards! Wiped his butt with a leaf! Nice! Anyway...long time ago that one 😂😂
So Mr SP and me were in my mind no more but he had such an amazing time I had no idea how to tell him. There was an medical incident with my son at school on the mornings the day after our date so I was too busy to reply to him at the exact hour he required for his needs it seems so thankfully he kind of managed to end it for me.
Then, Mr 30 came along. His introduction, hi how are you I am horny. So of course my reply, get yourself on tinder matey! He let me know that I didn’t even know him blah blah. So, you know I thought I would give him a lil chat and actually he was ok. He made me laugh, nothing heavy just a nice guy. Arranged to meet up for a coffee. I mean, never going. To go anywhere but a bit of dating experience never goes amiss and I got on ok with him. Then, he went quiet. So, I leave it, I don’t really want to work too hard anymore. If someone likes me they’ll snap me up right? He asks if I am free on the Saturday. I say yes, oh he says, I might be going out with my mate but if not I’ll see you. Ah right cheeky will you. Make arrangements for him to say, ah I am seeing you mate. Ok jog on. So, of course his apologies follow, he sees my point and is then desperate to meet up but he lost me by then. I actual blocked him only to be stood in Primani when I private call came through - I answer and who is it? Only Mr 30 a did you block me?! Lols, I mean bless him. I did yeah. We chatted for a bit but honestly, he was too young and had very different priorities to me. Nice chap though, I wish him well.
So Mr 30 kind of overlapped a little here but hey who cares, it’s only talking to each other isn’t it?!
And here comes Mr J and Mr K.
Mr J was my 11 am and Mr K was my 2pm - after a night drinking a lot. Ok well for me it was a lot. 😂 so a glass of wine, a cocktail and some fizzy stuff. Ooo I felt rough so why the heck did I arrange two dates in one day.
Now I thought I wouldnt like Mr J but I was pleasantly surprised when I got there. Big arms; cool, nice but not the best looking but maybe his personality could help him up his game. We had a laugh and he seemed like a gentleman. Telling me to make sure I let him know eh. I was home. Part of me wanted to stay but part of me was dying from my night out and part of me was thinking crikey, best back for my next one 😂😂
So we will get back to Mr J.
So I trot along to Mr K. Oh dear, he headed towards me I. The car park. Bright green trainers and bright orange coat, wet look gel hair. I mean come on, he absolutely did not look like that in the pics 😂 go for a coffee and it was ok but get me back home for a princess power nap pronto! Honestly. He messaged to say what a wonderful time he had. I just said yeah, nice and thankfully didn’t need to do anymore to get myself out of it.
So back to Mr J who had told me at the end of our first date he would love to see me again, oh that smile etc etc. So we arrange for the Friday with possibly Wednesday available. We get to Wednesday, I am free and let him know. So the cinema - yay I made it this time. Lots of chat beforehand and laughter! Ace, seems I am told we are looking for the same thing. No messing, long term, we’ve all heard it right?
Friday comes, day date and Valentine’s Day eh ha ha! Nice one! I got a card woop woop, which must remember to now bin! I know, should have left you with a cliffhanger. 😂 Date goes well, he plants a kiss on me, yay! We see each other a few times. He decides to delete his Bumble account and let me know it’s nit for him, he has met me would like to see where it goes. I cling onto mine for a lil bit. You never know do you but no chatting to anyone either. Then he declares he is having a meltdown as his ex from over a year ago is seeing someone new, oh! Ok! So why exactly are you bothered Mr J?! Crackers, anyway all a bit strange. I had left something of mine at his so called over with really the intention of not seeing him again. Who needs that but there he was reassuring, just give me a couple of days. Plants a few kisses on me, schmoozes me and off I trot. We have a laugh in the next few days and he adds me to Facebook. I mean who does that unless they are introducing you to their life?! See him the following day, I make tea, arrange next date, we all good. Or are we?! Lols...so I get the do you think we will work with the distance?! Ok well perhaps if you like me I don’t see a problem. It’s up to you. Then pring out of nowhere a message comes through from him but not his regular number and the strangest message saying ‘evergreen’ now I am still dumbfounded as to what this actually means even now. I ask who this is and of course the reply is ooo sorry must have wrong number so I kindly reply to let him know who he is - ok j! 😂🤦♀️ honestly modern technology sucks for these schmucks. So the next day back to bumble and large as life there he is. Oh a player then eh?! Not interested!
My sons were quite shocked at his behaviour, I wondered if he would like the same treatment to his daughters when they are older. Why pretend a dreams. Be honest, had he been honest I may have carried on seeing him, I may not but at least I would have known how much to give in return.
Ha ha how about an epic fail on my part. Swipe right match Hi Dan how are you? I’m called Ben 😂😂😂😂ah whatever don’t get huffy about it 😂😂 he unmatched me - the cheek 😂😂
Then we have PC Plod. A short distraction from the fairly nasty behaviour of Mr J. I mean he was very much a policeman. Had a bit of a laugh so agreed a coffee. Oh dear. I mean why did I bother. He was waiting outside the Eatate Agents and I clapped eyes on him thinking, please tell me that it isn’t him, in his hiking boots on a date🤦♀️ just no. So we get into the coffee shop and we sit down where he says very loudly well thank you for agreeing to a date, do I look like my pictures?! (Well actually now you come to mention it, not really) but too polite I say oh erm yes. We chat. He tells me about his previous two dates. One with an Agoraphobic who had a panic attack; he wasn’t impressed and the other who he told he would arrest if she said one more word, I wont discuss the subject. He then asked for first impressions and would I like another date. So I said I thought we got on well but for me it’s not on a romantic level. He accepted that and then proceeded to ask me where we should go on our next date. I’ll give it some thought is my reply.
And then we are back to match again...chatting chatting and isolation. Someone might turn up and they might not but some of these escapades are entertaining me and my friends for now.
I hope it made you smile at the difficulties of online dating x