To just let my 1 year old cry it out

[justwanttobe]

My 13 month old is still waking a lot in the night and only a bottle gets him to finally settle down again.

It's usually twice a night. I'm just so fed up and exhausted.

He usually has no problem going down at bed time, but has now started to cry when I leave the room too. ( usually he was happy if he had a bottle, I could just walk out ).

During the day, it's really hard to get anything done too.
He's always clingy and wants to be held a lot.

I am really struggling with energy levels and can't take it anymore.

I want to have more rest in the quickest possible way. I don't want to prolong it. I hate leaving him to cry, it's stressful and not ideal, but I think it's yeh quickest way..

I have a 14 month old who wakes at least once a night. In the depths of my sleep deprivation i always say to myself, that's it! 2 more months and it's cio time! But I'd never do it. I do controlled crying when they're overtired but that works within 15 minutes with say 2 times of cuddles as they do want to sleep.

One of the reasons i wouldn't do cio is that a baby can get so worked up they make themselves sick. But you won't know they're lying in their own vomit as you've left them to it. Also, all the screaming can give them bad wind, so they'll be in pain but no one is coming to help them bring it up. Lastly, mine almost always has some problem that needs my help - nappy leaked, dirty nappy, too hot or cold, teething pain, thirsty or hungry, wind... i love routines, and have followed them for my eldest, but this baby is just different and will not bloody sleep!!!

You have my sympathy but ultimately, i wouldn't suggest cio. Get them to have a bottle before bed, get them used to going down with no bottle in cot, sort naps etc etc etc and eventually it will improve I'm sure.

Hey OP, you are doing your best. Parenting is brutally hard. You have had a big transition, your baby is still little. You are asking the right question I think though. We did CIO with our first. We derply regret it. He is 16 now and if I think about it now I'd cry. He was so tiny. We were desperate for sleep, listened to everyone saying he should be asleep etc. Kids need us to know they are safe. They need to know they will be responded to and held and comforted. Letting them cry it out is absolutely unnatural. Your husband is not supporting you, not helping you. He is undermining you and thats the problem to solve. Hang in there OK? Its really hard but they are little for so short a time, what you do now makes them secure later on.

I feel your pain op. My nearly 4yr old ds has always been a bad sleep, we tried everything with him including controlled crying but he got himself so worked up he would end up throwing up everywhere. In the end me or dp took turns to lie with him in our bed till he falls asleep then lift him through (still do). I also have a very clingy nearly 13month old, luckily he been sleeping through from 8weeks but during the day it is so exhausting. If i sit on the couch he just want to be next me but if i sit on the floor next to the couch he will play no problem. Even if i go to the kitchen to load the dishwasher/washing machine he will follow me and stand against the stair gate crying. I think teething and the heat we have been getting isn’t helping tbh and a lot of babies go through a clingy stage around about this age to.

Twice a night at this age is not unusual, all babies go through phases. Can you go to bed a bit earlier yourself to try and get more sleep in? He's still very young and leaving him to cry it out will not make him less clingy and honestly doesn't have good lasting results as a method, not even taking into account that you are just teaching him that crying is pointless because you're not coming. I often still fed my daughter twice at this age, but it did reduce naturally and now at 15 months she sleeps through 90% of the time. He might be teething, a bit unwell? I honestly don't think CIO will help either of your mental states

I absolutely wouldn’t. Separation anxiety is normal at the age and IMO, his need to feel secure trumps your need for sleep. I’m sorry that’s harsh.

I had DS sleep in with me until he was 3… did all the things you’re not ‘supposed’ to do such as BFing him to sleep, letting him feed whenever he wanted when he was younger and then, after we stopped BFing, lying with him until he fells asleep etc. He is actually a great sleeper and still is at 5 so don’t worry about the making a rod for your own back thing.

This is a genuine question...how do babies/kids who have only ever co slept then manage to sleep alone? Even the age of 5 for example is still pretty young if it's all you've ever known.

My fear with co sleeping (which is what we currently do as it's the only way anyone gets any sleep, albeit poor quality sleep) is that it will go on forever. Yes you don't see many teenagers still bunking in with mum and dad but how do they ever learn to cope alone if it's all they've known? I'm a grown up who is used to sleeping next to my dh and even I find it weird and get a bit anxious when he's not there.

I can’t speak for all kids but the transitions were very easy for us.
We got him all excited about picking out quilt covers for his ‘big boy’ bed when he moved to sleeping in his own room. At that point, we would still sit with him until he nodded off and then he would usually get back in with us at some point in the night.
That progressed to us leaving him to fall asleep on his own… we just explained it to him in advance and he was fine from the day we tried it (he was 4 at that point but I think we could have done it sooner)
The final progression was to ask him not to come into our bed in the night - he was 5 by this point. Again - he just sort of said ‘ok’ perfectly happy and then just did as we asked.

Now he gets put to bed at 7.30, falls asleep on his own with no issues. Gets up to use the loo in the night and still gets back in to his own bed and then usually comes in for a cuddle when he first wakes up (which I love)
Tbh, he even likes a lie in - some mornings I have to go and wake him up so he isn’t late for school!!

I do think we have been lucky with him. He is very easy going… his eating, however, is a different story 😂

Actually sleep does because you need to keep yourself right for baba. Being sleep deprived is dangerous.

We coslept in the "fourth trimester"

Cot in our room at 3 months ish

Cot in own room at 6 months ish.

We never left them to cry at all. I would say that they were 2.5 ish and in their own toddler bed by the time they tended to reliably sleep through.

There weee regressions (14/15 months was one) when for a few weeks we reverted to cosleepiing as the only way for us all to get sleep.

By the time they were 3 they were a nursery daily, eating three good meals daily plus snacks, and tired at bedtime. Then they started to sleep through without difficulty like an older child.

They're 14 and 12 now and have been brilliant sleepers every since.

And they are easy kids too - yes they have their moments but they're well regulated and can be reasoned with. If I say look I'm tired, please can you just cooperate, don't let's have a huge scene - put away your washing (or whatever) and we can all enjoy the rest of our evening! they usually understand and do it.

This is only my theory but I think taking relational approaches rather than training/behavioural approaches in infancy leads to older kids who can operate relationally.

We (esp DH) are quite firm - even strict - but we never used "time outs" nor "naughty steps" or other behavioural sanctions.

Nor do we confiscate phones or withhold pocket money and tbh have never had need to.

When they were little if they were playing up in a restaurant I would always frame it in a relational way - isn't fair on the other people here to make this noise, they've come to chat to their friends not to listen to two children arguing. If you can't stop we have to go home as we can't do that to others.

Might be proved wrong in later teen years but I think that going through the trenches in infancy and trying to keep relating to them as little people with big needs, helps produce kids that have that relational skill later on themselves and are easier to manage.

Mind you could equally be bollocks 🤣

I completely agree with this!
This is how I parent DS - and (and look, it might be nothing to do with our parenting!) he is a very calm and laid back kid. Is also very funny etc so definitely not a wallflower. But he is very empathetic.

This is far too simplistic.
Yes, you need ‘decent’ sleep to be able to function properly. ‘Decent’ being different to different people. There is a world of difference between literally being kept up all night and just having to get up 1 or 2 times.

That doesn’t mean you ignore your kid while they cry because you don’t want to get up a couple of times in the night.

Sleep deprivation is part of child rearing. You can take other steps to get your sleep in - going to bed earlier yourself, swapping with your partner etc - many more mitigations you can put in place before you merrily skip off and leave your small child alone and crying, happily chirruping ‘happy mama, happy baby’

DD coslept from the first night we got home from hospital – pretty much in my armpit, body pressed against mine. Gradually she was able to be settled a little further away, though she rarely made it into her Snuzpod. Once she got bigger and wrigglier and we switched to a sidecar crib she was happy in there next to me with just the occasional contact. We put her in her own room at one and she was fine, though came in with me after midnight when her sleep got more bitty (OP’s two night wakings made me laugh; I’d have killed for such good sleep!). Eventually she slept through. Now at four, more often than not, she sleeps through – if she wakes she sneaks into our bed. And sometimes sneaks back out if her dad is snoring or the baby is being a baby! But she does manage to sleep alone mostly, even though pretty much from birth I was right there. I think it’s down to personality as much as anything.

Have you heard of the 4th trimester? It's extremely normal for a baby to want to constantly be near mum even at that age. Babies don't cry for no reason, it's only twice a night you're lucky tbh. I went back to work way before then doing 12 hour day and night shifts as a nurse and still breastfeeding, woken up multiple times a night plus he had silent reflux but we coslept to make things easier. Just meet his needs, this part doesn't last forever and leaving him to cry will only teach him mummy doesn't come when I cry, leading to a whole host of psychological and social problems when he's older.

Co sleeping and being close to your baby gives them confidence that there is nothing to fear, it fosters a strong attachment.
In my experience having co slept with all my babies, once they are ready and old enough, they will move into their own room with ease because you have taught them that the world isn't scary, that night time isn't scary, that someone is always there if they cry.
My eldest was in our room till he was nearly 3 (practical reasons mostly) and my second child moved in with his sibling at age 1.
Both times I always said that if they were scared or upset to call us and we would come. They had a monitor on and knew we would respond.
If they had a bad dream they could come into our bed, so there was never anything to fear.

I find it upsetting when I hear of parents being told to 'stick to your guns' 'if you give in once they will manipulate you' etc, because it isn't a human way to behave. If children know that you will be there if they need you, they feel far less anxious, and this begins with babies and responding to their cries.

It's so funny you ask that because it's made me think of myself.

I don't know what my parents did with me when I was a baby ( apparently I didn't cry.. yeah right )... but I remember going to sleep with my parents at night for many, many years. I fell asleep in my bed, but would go to their bed in the night if I woke up. Until I was way 13 or so. My brother was the same.

We both have massive issues with insomnia as adults...I also remember having insomnia issues as a teen.

I did it with my youngest 2 and I have no regrets.

It's horrible hearing your child cry but he's never going to remember this experience. Good luck

I'd co sleep with him. Honestly , just do what you can to get more sleep, it won't be forever.

Like you just said, everyone is different.

I couldn't imagine contact napping and feeding to sleep until 3. I'd be touched out and miserable and what good is that to a child?

The needs of the parents matter too.

Separation anxiety is really high around 13 months and your little one really needs you now. To let them cry without your support would be absolutely crushing to them.

CIO is absolutely normalised neglect and those advocating it are really ignorant of young children's needs.

Babies cannot self soothe. They just learn that they can't rely on you so stop crying. There's an enormous difference.

Please learn more about your baby's needs. It may help with your resilience if you understand what they need from you and why.

This.

They stop crying because evolutionarily they realise their (supposed) caregiver is not coming to help them and they shut up so they don't get eaten by predators. Imagine being that stressed and terrified. They have zero survival skills and this is the only thing at their disposal.

Tiny babies being left to cry by their own mothers. Yes I judge you. I find it disgusting. And yes I also have a 13 month old and I haven't slept in over a year.

Use the Ferber method, or something more gentle. Do not just leave them to cry endlessly until they stop. Please don't do that.

Your husband is a dick. I don’t care what his schedule is. You are working too. Even if not, you need a break. You cannot have night after night with no sleep. Not only is he not sharing the nights, he is blaming you for your kids’ lack of sleep. So easy to criticise. Not so easy to step up.

I can’t believe you don’t resent him more. Would he give you some nights off? Share the loads so the kids aren’t solely dependent on you for sleep? It’s just not fair. You must be shattered.

I didn’t do cio. But I didn’t have to, as my babies slept quite well. I can see what drives a mum to it (and it’s always a shattered mum bearing the brunt).

I am not giving out any medals for those whose babies didn’t sleep and they didn’t use cio. Desperate mums doing this are not neglectful. They are exhausted and cannot cope, and like here, have zero help.