To just let my 1 year old cry it out

[justwanttobe]

My 13 month old is still waking a lot in the night and only a bottle gets him to finally settle down again.

It's usually twice a night. I'm just so fed up and exhausted.

He usually has no problem going down at bed time, but has now started to cry when I leave the room too. ( usually he was happy if he had a bottle, I could just walk out ).

During the day, it's really hard to get anything done too.
He's always clingy and wants to be held a lot.

I am really struggling with energy levels and can't take it anymore.

I want to have more rest in the quickest possible way. I don't want to prolong it. I hate leaving him to cry, it's stressful and not ideal, but I think it's yeh quickest way..

Just wanted to say I feel your pain and desperation. My son is also 12 months and wakes every 2 hours all night, and it’s super hard. I hope things settle down for you soon ❤️

It's cruel. Its obviously cruel regardless of how people try to justify it.

Third child here and I'm still waking in the night at 11 months. I bring him into my bed and he sleeps fine there, he just wants his mum.

We did it with DC2, no regrets. Stressed parent existing on almost no sleep for months on end was definitely worse for DC2 (and DC1) than three nights of CIO (which was really only one evening of lengthy crying, then two shorter ones) followed by parent feeling human and being able to tend to their needs the rest of the time. Yes on the first night, it didn't feel like it was the right thing, but it absolutely was for the whole family.

I find cry it out is one of the topics were the consensus on Mumsnet is really different to the consensus among the parents I know. Everyone seems horrified by it on Mumsnet whereas in real life I know loads of parents who do it and find it helpful.

I read a book "Crib Sheet' by Emily Oster where she explores the research behind various different pieces of parenting advice we're given. There's a chapter on Sleep training/cry it out which says the 'evidence' that people quote when they say cry it out is harmful is very poor quality. There's no genuine evidence it's harmful. There's actually better quality research saying it is positive for the parents' and baby's wellbeing. She also says there's no difference in outcome between the different sleep training techniques ie Ferber Vs cry it out.

We used cry it out a bit and found the baby found Ferber (popping back in every few mins) and staying in the room not doing what she wanted more distressing than us not being in there.
I have found it hard when she's crying but I genuinely believe it improves her ability to self soothe and now she goes to sleep easily and happily.

Do what works for you and ignore anyone being judgemental or spouting nonsense.

I have a 6 yo and almost 2 yo. Both slept through from around 18m but it was a long road of waking every hour, to start I co slept to get some rest (helped as breastfeeding) then at around a year got them in their own bed and did the gradual retreat thing. I’m glad I didn’t do CIO although I was tempted so many times and my partner would have been keen. It does get better eventually op. Like PP said, I’d try and tackle the 3yo first, try and reduce bedtime a bit. Also mine share a room now and I think it’s massively helped them to feel safe at night.

My son sleeps through and goes to sleep fine in his room but soon as he shares a room with me he wants to be in bed with me. Last night I let him cry for 10 mins then he fell fast asleep. He's fine. I need my full rest as I'm pregnant. He's a perfectly happy content 1 year old. It's fine to leave them.

I agree

My almost 1 year old still wakes 1/2 times a night and often needs a bottle to resettle. It is likely this association with the bottle to get back to sleep that is causing it. My health visitor suggested I tried offering her water from a sippy cup, then she will likely not associate needing her bottle with going back to sleep.

The evidence is ‘very poor quality’ because it would be highly unethical to leave babies to cry themselves to sleep for ‘research’.

I wouldn't. I'm aware the research is inconclusive but I imagine it would be really difficult to find out if there are long term effects as there are so many other factors that could have contributed to any findings, biological or environmental. You'd need a set of identical twins raised exactly the same way, one left to CIO and one not, everything else exactly the same.

If it helps I have a 20 month old who has just started sleeping through. He woke 2x a night around 13m and I remember wondering if he ever would. Your little one will get there! Could be sooner than you think. Best of luck

@Scuttlingherbert

I wouldn’t be so quick to label it nonsense. You’ll find research confirming your bias for absolutely everything these days. I’m a clinical psych and even I am bored of research 🤦‍♀️.

Having said that, I think it’s common sense and I give attachment theory a lot of credence to be honest, but I know others don’t. It’s just common sense that leaving your baby to cry whilst it’s forming attachments to primary care givers isn’t really a good idea. I just wish I had learnt all that before baby number one. It felt wrong and quite traumatic at the time but unfortunately I didn’t act upon my instincts.

It’s not something I dwell on now as that would be pointless but if someone asks I’ll give them my honest opinion.

I found cry-it-out to be the most humane method with my eldest -- all the other stuff I was doing to be "gentle" was just prolonging the agony. I was shush-patting, singing, you name it. When I started just leaving her in her bed, she was asleep in a matter of seconds. So you need to find what's right for your baby. If the baby is really in distress this might not work for you.

How are his naps? What you have described sounds like overtiredness to me. I would try putting him down for a nap an hour or two after he wakes up in the morning. Keep him napping through the day and put him down for the night as early as you can.

She is an economist, and her book was highly controversial, she has no credentials whatsoever in this area.

It is impossible to study the long term effects of cry it out, but is there any need? Isn't the fact that it's visibly traumatic and stressful for the baby enough? To the point they sometimes vomit and pass out in exhaustion.

I'm so sorry, this sounds really tough. Sleep deprivation is literally torture. I have been using the Little Ones sleep app - it's gives you a routine to follow according to age, different ways to help baby settle without feed or rocking, and there is the "village" where you can post specific questions to sleep consultants. It's £20 pm but the first month is free. I used to rock my DD, then I did drowsy but awake, then awake and patting and shushing, then just shushing and finally, just did "it's time to sleep" and left. She did grizzle for about 10 mins (the idea is you don't leave them for more than 15 mins but she never went past this) for a couple of nights, but now she sleeps through, sometimes gets up once if she hasn't eaten much during the day.
A couple of my friends have also had a sleep consultant help them 1:1 and have had great results.
I really hope it improves for you whichever way you choose.

@Teapot13

That scenario doesn’t really sound like CIO. If your baby was asleep within seconds of putting her down then she was not left to cry for extended periods of time.

Attachment types do not reach to a couple of nights cio! It's not as quick or simple as that. It's has a massive effect on young children and their lives. Please don't downplay it.

Judgemental much?? Realistically CIO takes around 10-15 mins for child to settle and fall asleep. Say they sleep for 14 hours a day inc naps that leaves around 9 hours 45 mins to be a perfect parent devoting myself to all my child’s needs. Parenting is hard enough without your kind of comments

That's just nasty.

We did sleep training at 13/14 months. The Ferber method. Best thing we ever did!

Not nasty. I'd assume @booboo82 is probably shattered after very little sleep! I'd be the same if I hadn't committed to cio.

Yes but if you don't have another child and you don't have twins why on earth would you let a baby cry when it needs comfort.
In my work I see extremes of awful parenting, doesn't mean I'm immune to the socially acceptable in some circles cruelty that occurs regularly in some homes.

@Sometimeswinning

I am not sure how you have come to the conclusion I am downplaying it. If your baby screams and gets distressed to the point of vomiting then this may have detrimental outcomes on their attachment style. Obviously it isn’t as black and white as that, but it’s certainly not going to foster secure styles.

@ASandwichNamedKevin I do have another child and sometimes one or both of them cry whilst I take care of the other / or something that needs my attention desperately. It's normal. It's not for long at all and I hate it, but it's normal and it happens.

@Kath85

10 minutes? That’s more like controlled crying.

CIO is when a baby cries for an extended period of time alone, often to the point of vomiting. The baby is feeling terror at this point and then passes out through sheer exhaustion.

That’s not quite the same as letting a baby cry for a couple of minutes to self soothe. I do think people struggle to know exactly what is meant by CIO.