To just let my 1 year old cry it out

[justwanttobe]

My 13 month old is still waking a lot in the night and only a bottle gets him to finally settle down again.

It's usually twice a night. I'm just so fed up and exhausted.

He usually has no problem going down at bed time, but has now started to cry when I leave the room too. ( usually he was happy if he had a bottle, I could just walk out ).

During the day, it's really hard to get anything done too.
He's always clingy and wants to be held a lot.

I am really struggling with energy levels and can't take it anymore.

I want to have more rest in the quickest possible way. I don't want to prolong it. I hate leaving him to cry, it's stressful and not ideal, but I think it's yeh quickest way..

@Sometimeswinning

You are more than welcome to disagree.

I do believe that crying it out is a neglectful practice which therefore will not encourage a secure attachment. I’ve already said the whole concept isn’t black and white so I am not sure why that makes you so angry. If you are indeed a professional (which I doubt) maybe you should reflect on why you’re so angry.

Its common sense really and not one that requires any special sort of training.

Rubbish. I was always there for my children. They never cried alone.

I don't understand parents who abandon their children to cry in distress and don't comfort them. It's our entire job as parents to be there for our children.

I have a 12 month old who is like this and it's horrendous.
I solo parent Monday to thurday as dh works away and I work five days a week. I know how hard it is and that horrible anxious feeling of bedtime approaching.

I can't bring myself to do cry it out. Dd doesn't have the personality for it...she would make herself sick and just cling to me during the day, I know that as her mother...it would not have a positive outcome other than a bit more sleep.
Dd has always been high needs, can't be left a minute type of baby but it will get better.
I've struggled to cope on a night and I know how awful it is so no judgment here. But I personally would avoid.

I just don’t understand this as a justification at all. I can completely understand that it’s on you when he needs to be up early for work the next day, if he’s working a night shift or working away. I wouldn’t expect it to be 50:50 or even close if you’re a SAHP. But surely there are nights when he’s home and doesn’t have work the next day and why isn’t he giving you a break then?

Op cry it out is no big deal for a 1 year old.

Ignoring your child when they're crying out for you, alone and scared in the dark until they eventually learn you're not coming is no big deal? Ok...

CIO is simply a sleep training technique that doesn't involve going back to baby and attempting to soothe them which would be controlled crying.

It may only take 10 minutes with some babies but that wouldn't suit the agenda people who have likely never used the method push of these poor vomiting babies passing out out from exhaustion.

I think it's always worth trying controlled crying first but sometimes, CIO can actually involve less crying.

How would you feel if the person who is supposed to love you the most just ignored you when you are crying/upset?
Don’t do that to your baby.

I think YABU.

My 2 year old woke hourly (minimum 8 times a night) until 19 months and is also a super clingy girl in the day time. I was absolutely exhausted and really struggled in the day but the most important thing to me was that she felt safe and secure. I had the odd night where I just wanted to leave her to it cos I couldn't cope anymore but I knew it was wrong and just persevered.

She's 2 now and only wakes 1-2 times a night

People get very up in arms about this…we did nearly reach the point with my toddler as nothing helped her- she didn’t want to be held, or put down, or have a drink, or come in our bed, or have anything, she was just screaming because she was dog tired.

It sounds like he is seeking your comfort and connection and is prime age for separation anxiety.

We used Lucy Wolfe stay and support which I highly recommend. Once they know you will be there but cot time is sleep time it gets better.

Also introducing a cuddly toy- you can hear our daughter on the monitor singing to them sometimes!

@SouthLondonMum22

There’s a line though isn’t there? From “sleep training technique” to neglect. I think overall mothers need to listen to their instincts first and foremost and I regret not doing that.

I lay there with my heart racing thinking I was doing the right thing by “training” when in actual fact I was neglecting my baby who was getting more distressed by the minute. I was very young, and didn’t have anyone around me to advise me that, actually, it might not be a good idea.

Thankfully I did listen to my instincts with subsequent babies and I would advise this first and foremost. The OP has already stated in the original post that contemplating this feels stressful.

OP, I hope you manage to resolve this in the best way possible for you and your baby. This will pass, even though it currently feels like a lifetime. Good luck. 💐

Me too. He's very very clingy now, we don't seem to have a good attachment and I blame that

To be honest, if most babies would fall asleep after 10 minutes CIO, then I don't think there would be so much controversy about it.
Most babies will cry for a very long time if left, especially at age 1 when they can stand in a cot and bawl.
Controlled crying isn't much better and often just prolongs it from what I've been told.

@SparklingMarkling you sound like a wonderful mum. How refreshing that you can look back and say what you would've done differently rather than the usual "I did it and mine were fine"

OP I'm cosleeping with my 12 month old. She still wakes several times in the night, not for feeding but for comfort. In many cultures babies aren't expected to sleep alone. To get things done in the day I strap her to my back. It's normal for them to want us all the time. My DD is in nursery now so if we don't bedshare that would be 19 hours of the day we're separated for.

@everybodytidy

It isn’t completely “fixed”. Try not to be too hard on yourself. We can only look forward. 🌸

Also for us, it made him sleep through for a while. But then every few weeks he goes back to not sleeping again. Then the cycle continues, he's almost 2 now and I wish I'd have done what I did with my first which was tend to him every time he cried, but eventually leaving it 3/4/5 minutes before I went in to see if he would go back to sleep on his own. If he didn't, I knew he really needed me. He's slept through from 1.5. It's so hard to make the right decisions when your brain isn't working from tiredness and stress though.

@whattodo22222

Thank you 😊.

@SparklingMarkling thank you, I appreciate that 😌

Honestly this post has only confirmed to me that I can't do CIO with my boy.

I tried just walking out tonight and leaving him a few minutes and it's just not possible. He's absolutely hysterical. He's the same in the day if I try to do washing up or laundry. He wants do me held or I sit on the floor and play with him and even then he's often just on my lap. He's a very clingy baby.

I was feeling bad because my husband loses his shit at me and says I'm spoiling him and he also gets frustrated with me because I'm like a zombie a lot of the time. I went to back to work a month and a half ago and I'm struggling to be myself / be happy and energetic even more so now. I do work from home which does make things easier, but I do just get very tired and I'm just not up for many activities at the weekend etc.

He gets frustrated with me because of that and thinks our son would sleep if I left him. He also doesn't like how I handle my daughters sleep either. He just thinks it's all wrong.

My previous comment that actually had a lot of useful info in was deleted presumably because I bit back at a poster who'd been horrible to you.

So I'll omit that part and try again....

I'm having similar issues with my dd who is the same age. Having been unwell a lot lately she struggling to go to sleep unless she's held/cuddled. I tried the Ferber method (controlled crying) with her last night and on my third time of checking she had vomited and pooed herself in distress. I couldn't continue with it after that and have accepted that the bedtime routine is going to be more hard work for a while. For me that's ok because I cannot allow her to get so upset that she gets in that state again, it's not worth it.

Having said that I did have great success with CC with my older ds who only took about 2 nights to crack it. There is no doubt that a well rested child and parent are happier and healthier but I don't think CC is suitable for every child. So I guess you need to assess how your dc is responding to it and whether the pros outweigh the initial upset. Good luck and solidarity, sleep deprivation is the worst.

There is a line but I think it works both ways.

Babies need sleep to develop and grow and the mental health and wellbeing of the parents also should be considered. Safety too if driving exhausted is a factor.

An over tired, grumpy, miserable baby with an over tired, grumpy, miserable mum who may also be struggling with her mental health isn't good for anyone, including the baby.

Can he change that?

It's really not good that your kid will be desperate for comfort and no one will come

Your husband is a jerk