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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF or me being tight?

406 replies

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 11:15

Please can you help me decide? I've posted this on relationships but I'm putting it here for traffic! I've actually drafted the final WhatsApp saying how upset I was but given he's been a little star up until now I would welcome a few more opinions.......

I've been seeing someone for a few weeks. All has been great until Friday night when I felt properly sussed out financially. So for example, I was asked if a diamond ring I wear was real. Then, in the past when we've eaten out we've always bought drinks in rounds and taken turns on main courses of around 16 or 17 pounds. Last night I said it was my round, and suggested a different pub which was a bit more expensive just for a change but I was only expecting to have a main course (mine was £23, his £30.). He then proceeds to order 3 courses and extra drinks, the last of which he took 3 mouthfuls of the pint and said he didn't want it and didn't know why he'd ordered it so left it. Obviously I then picked up a bill of over £100 that I hadn't budgeted for. He knows its my son's birthday and my cars MOT and I'm paying for an overnight stay later in the month for us both, and although this is him coming along to help me with something I am funding the whole thing for both of us.

Am I just being tight here and if I invite him out I should be prepared for every eventuality 😆 or was that a bit cheeky?

OP posts:
Habreathmint · 04/06/2023 11:20

He's a cheeky bastard and a potential cock lodger. Run!

UnaVaca · 04/06/2023 11:26

I would find that a massive turn off

Curseofthenation · 04/06/2023 11:55

I think it's always better to go 50/50 rather than take turns personally as it feels more fair. Obviously it doesn't always work out completely fair but seems to stop the CFs from pushing things as far.

In terms of this guy, I would ditch him. He clearly thinks he has found a meal ticket.

EvilElsa · 04/06/2023 11:58

Urgh, I'd find that such an instant turn off. Get rid!

mainsfed · 04/06/2023 11:58

YANBU. Have one more meal with him at his expense, order 3 courses and lots of drinks. Don’t finish one drink.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Then dump him.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/06/2023 12:01

He’s a CF.

And I don’t think he’s that into you if he is willing to treat you in this way. I’d get a refund on the trip away and make an excuse. Then consider if the relationship has a future

scorpiogirly · 04/06/2023 12:02

Get rid of him. This is gross and not something I could come back from.

scorpiogirly · 04/06/2023 12:02

And I wouldn't even send that last WhatsApp. Just block him and move on. Let him stew and wonder what he did wrong if he's too dense to not even realise.

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/06/2023 12:08

It’s really up to you how you feel about it. Though I think if you only intended for you each to have a main course and one drink then you should have said so when he began ordering. You can’t expect somebody to read your mind. If you usually take turns and this was your turn then presumably it’s his turn next and if you fancy three courses then you can have them.

Aprilx · 04/06/2023 12:08

How come you picked up the whole bill, including drinks if you normally buy in rounds?

FOJN · 04/06/2023 12:12

I wouldn't message him to say you are upset but I might tell him that his extravagance when you are paying the bill has made you wonder if he is a bit of a freeloader which puts him outside of your budget.

What's his financial situation? Could he be very wealthy and testing you?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/06/2023 12:15

Last night I said it was my round, and suggested a different pub which was a bit more expensive just for a change but I was only expecting to have a main course (mine was £23, his £30.).

Do you normally only buy a main meal, or do you normally get 2-3 courses and he was just doing what he normally does?
If you couldn't really afford it, why didn't you tell him that instead of letting him order a three course meal?

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 12:16

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/06/2023 12:08

It’s really up to you how you feel about it. Though I think if you only intended for you each to have a main course and one drink then you should have said so when he began ordering. You can’t expect somebody to read your mind. If you usually take turns and this was your turn then presumably it’s his turn next and if you fancy three courses then you can have them.

Well, exactly! This is why I didn't know if I was bu. But the consensus is on both threads that I'm not...I honestly don't know what to think!

OP posts:
SkyandSurf · 04/06/2023 12:16

Do the same to him next time, then decide whether to see him again based on his reaction.

In fact, suggest returning to the same venue, seeing how he enjoys the food there so much.

Order the three most expensive meals and multiple cocktails. Obviously decide you don't actually fancy the last one and leave it.

It will be interesting to see if he orders 3 courses when he is the one paying.

billy1966 · 04/06/2023 12:17

scorpiogirly · 04/06/2023 12:02

Get rid of him. This is gross and not something I could come back from.

This.

Yanbu

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 12:17

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/06/2023 12:15

Last night I said it was my round, and suggested a different pub which was a bit more expensive just for a change but I was only expecting to have a main course (mine was £23, his £30.).

Do you normally only buy a main meal, or do you normally get 2-3 courses and he was just doing what he normally does?
If you couldn't really afford it, why didn't you tell him that instead of letting him order a three course meal?

We've always only ever had a main. And I was too embarrassed so just went along with it, which I know was stupid but I just didn't know how to say.......

OP posts:
LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 04/06/2023 12:18

Id be having that favour returned asap too, no way he didn't know what he was doing. Total CF behaviour when he can see you (the bill payer) is doing the usual thing while he is there pushing the boat out alone. But tbh if you are already at the point scoring stage I don't see much of a future.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/06/2023 12:19

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 12:17

We've always only ever had a main. And I was too embarrassed so just went along with it, which I know was stupid but I just didn't know how to say.......

Show quote history

Hmm, if you only ever order a main then I do think he's being a CF, but you also allowed it by not speaking up for yourself and footing the whole bill.

You should have said something when he ordered.

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 12:19

Aprilx · 04/06/2023 12:08

How come you picked up the whole bill, including drinks if you normally buy in rounds?

Because the table was in my name, I bought the first round which they put on my table and then he just kept ordering from the waitress who just added them to the bill. When we've been out before we've always paid as we went along and took turns to go to the bar.

OP posts:
Meeting · 04/06/2023 12:20

I would probably return the favour and see how he reacts.

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 12:20

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/06/2023 12:19

Hmm, if you only ever order a main then I do think he's being a CF, but you also allowed it by not speaking up for yourself and footing the whole bill.

You should have said something when he ordered.

Show quote history

I know ☹️ I'm not very good at that sort of conversation though. I need to get better!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 12:23

FOJN · 04/06/2023 12:12

I wouldn't message him to say you are upset but I might tell him that his extravagance when you are paying the bill has made you wonder if he is a bit of a freeloader which puts him outside of your budget.

What's his financial situation? Could he be very wealthy and testing you?

Well, I wondered this as I know his very expensive house with his ex has just sold for quite a tidy sum. But that doesn't alter the fact I now need to not eat anything else this month or my firstborn won't have birthday presents 🤣 any other months he'd have probably got away with an eye roll to be fair, but it's tight this month and he knows it!

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 04/06/2023 12:24

He was taking advantage .
He clearly thinks you have the means to fund him.
I would ditch.This is not going to end in a happy ever after.
You are worth more.

MNChickenForAWeek · 04/06/2023 12:24

Because the table was in my name, I bought the first round which they put on my table and then he just kept ordering from the waitress who just added them to the bill. When we've been out before we've always paid as we went along and took turns to go to the bar.

Yikes that's terrible. He's taken advantage.

I'd cancel the trip. I don't think I'd even enter into a conversation, he's just going to act innocently. I'd block him and move on.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 04/06/2023 12:26

Dont take the advice that should have said something at the time to heart. Its really hard in the moment to see someone you have trusted up till then is taking the piss. Even now you're here wondering if you were right to feel upset about it. Yes it was rude, yes you follow the lead of the person who is paying, no you dont just waste their money ordering things because you think you can get away with it. Crappy behaviour from a crappy person, bin him (or have a revenge dinner first if you can stomach it). This type of cheeky behaviour just gets worse over time, so its good that you've had a heads up early on.

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