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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF or me being tight?

406 replies

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 11:15

Please can you help me decide? I've posted this on relationships but I'm putting it here for traffic! I've actually drafted the final WhatsApp saying how upset I was but given he's been a little star up until now I would welcome a few more opinions.......

I've been seeing someone for a few weeks. All has been great until Friday night when I felt properly sussed out financially. So for example, I was asked if a diamond ring I wear was real. Then, in the past when we've eaten out we've always bought drinks in rounds and taken turns on main courses of around 16 or 17 pounds. Last night I said it was my round, and suggested a different pub which was a bit more expensive just for a change but I was only expecting to have a main course (mine was £23, his £30.). He then proceeds to order 3 courses and extra drinks, the last of which he took 3 mouthfuls of the pint and said he didn't want it and didn't know why he'd ordered it so left it. Obviously I then picked up a bill of over £100 that I hadn't budgeted for. He knows its my son's birthday and my cars MOT and I'm paying for an overnight stay later in the month for us both, and although this is him coming along to help me with something I am funding the whole thing for both of us.

Am I just being tight here and if I invite him out I should be prepared for every eventuality 😆 or was that a bit cheeky?

OP posts:
HRTeatime · 04/06/2023 12:49

Can’t you just message him and say I wasn’t expecting to pick up the whole tab last night, as usually we do rounds, so can you send me your share of the bill please as I need it to cover my MOT, thanks. I guess his response will let you know if he’s a cheeky fucker or not.

honeylulu · 04/06/2023 12:49

Some posters have said it's not a big deal just because one meal happened to be more expensive and you shouldn't set "rules" without being clear. But here there has been an accepted course of dealings until now where drink rounds are alternated and meals have always been main course only. So it's he who has changed the status quo AND in the context that you made clear money was tight for you. Best case is he's been thoughtless and if pulled up politely he will realise and address it. Worst case is that he's a CF and wilfully took from you, perhaps thinking "she has nice things for herself so she can damn well spend on me too". I think you should address it as the response will confirm which position applies. Then use the information to act accordingly. If you aren't dumping him is strongly suggest you clarify how meals and drinks will be funded on the trip away as the "gift" element from you is the accommodation.

OdeToBarney · 04/06/2023 12:50

Just ask him to send you half! Don't go without because he fancied a large dinner and copious amounts of drinks. Whether he was being a cf or not, it would be crazy not to ask him to cover half, especially as he ordered 3/4 of the items!

PinkShoelacesAndAPolkaDotVest · 04/06/2023 12:51

HRTeatime · 04/06/2023 12:49

Can’t you just message him and say I wasn’t expecting to pick up the whole tab last night, as usually we do rounds, so can you send me your share of the bill please as I need it to cover my MOT, thanks. I guess his response will let you know if he’s a cheeky fucker or not.

This is perfect.

Beaujolaisqueen · 04/06/2023 12:52

Also as others have said just text him and say sorry I wasn’t expecting the bill last night to be so high and need the money for my MOT/DC birthday, please can you send me half? His reaction will tell you what you need to know. Given that you said it was your shout maybe he just didn’t think?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 04/06/2023 12:52

He was taking advantage of you blatantly and it shows he doesn't care about you
You are worth more
I'd block him straight away, and write him off as a dead loss

Agapornis · 04/06/2023 12:53

Ask him to send you his share of the bills - 109-25 = £84.

SkyandSurf · 04/06/2023 12:53

The cost issue aside, wasn't it quite awkward for him to sit there eating two additional courses while you just watched?

Pluvia · 04/06/2023 12:54

That would be it for me. If he's not actively ripping you off (and I think he was), he's rude and insensitive — and you can do better than that, OP. When you find someone new to go out to dinner with, insist on each paying for your own food and drink. There's no shame in saying straight out that you have a child and you can't afford to financially subsidise someone else: if they are funny about it it's an important tell. Good luck with finding someone better.

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 12:54

Aprilx · 04/06/2023 12:41

I am getting a bit confused to be honest. If you really are this hard up, why are you going out for meals, picking more expensive places and saying that it is your turn to pick up the tab? I really don’t think you can say it is your turn to pay and then be monitoring what the other person orders, to the point of mentioning the discrepancy in your main course costs.

I would probably just let this one go but see if a pattern emerges.

Show quote history

Because I always budget everything down to the last penny, and I knew I could do a main and a round of drinks at said pub and not flinch. What I hadn't accounted for was the £15 starter, bread at £4, bottled water at £4, pudding at a tenner and several more drinks. Plus I had extra courses once he'd ordered as I felt self conscious. That's equivalent to the money I had allowed for my MOT test, for example. I suggested that pub as its one of the few in the middle of us. I'm hardly on the breadline but I have said MOT, a 15 year olds birthday and moving my stuff over from the other side of the country and into storage to fund this month. I've just spent most of my not insubstantial savings on 4 rounds of private surgery plus travel to Germany, to treat a disease that the NHS refuses to treat 🙄 and the few grand I've got left is going on the final payment on my car at the end of the year as I don't want to continue paying monthly in the current climate. There you have my entire finances in a nutshell and yes, an extra 50 or 60 quid on a restaurant bill is enough to make me suck my teeth a bit at the minute, and he is aware of all of the above!

OP posts:
Awoooga · 04/06/2023 12:55

mainsfed · 04/06/2023 11:58

YANBU. Have one more meal with him at his expense, order 3 courses and lots of drinks. Don’t finish one drink.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Then dump him.

Yes I’d do this ^

StrawberryWasp · 04/06/2023 12:56

So you spent £50 more than you expected?

If your monthly margins are so tight that £50 means you will now struggle to eat, you probably shouldn't be eating out at all or suggesting more expensive places.

sunshinesupermum · 04/06/2023 12:57

I agree with pos to go out next time and do the same as he did. Then dump him. Sorry you are now stuck financially this month cos of this CF.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 04/06/2023 12:57

The fact he was asking about your ring too OP, I dont know, I think he sees you as a cash cow. Its been a few weeks, why does he know so much? I would seriously let this one go. He thinks he's hit the jackpot.

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 12:57

StrawberryWasp · 04/06/2023 12:56

So you spent £50 more than you expected?

If your monthly margins are so tight that £50 means you will now struggle to eat, you probably shouldn't be eating out at all or suggesting more expensive places.

Agreed and lesson learnt!

OP posts:
SkyandSurf · 04/06/2023 12:58

That's a lot of food, apart from anything else. Who would order bread when they are already having 3 courses?

Is he overweight?

Makemyday99 · 04/06/2023 12:58

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 12:54

Because I always budget everything down to the last penny, and I knew I could do a main and a round of drinks at said pub and not flinch. What I hadn't accounted for was the £15 starter, bread at £4, bottled water at £4, pudding at a tenner and several more drinks. Plus I had extra courses once he'd ordered as I felt self conscious. That's equivalent to the money I had allowed for my MOT test, for example. I suggested that pub as its one of the few in the middle of us. I'm hardly on the breadline but I have said MOT, a 15 year olds birthday and moving my stuff over from the other side of the country and into storage to fund this month. I've just spent most of my not insubstantial savings on 4 rounds of private surgery plus travel to Germany, to treat a disease that the NHS refuses to treat 🙄 and the few grand I've got left is going on the final payment on my car at the end of the year as I don't want to continue paying monthly in the current climate. There you have my entire finances in a nutshell and yes, an extra 50 or 60 quid on a restaurant bill is enough to make me suck my teeth a bit at the minute, and he is aware of all of the above!

Show quote history

Well you should have said something at the time rather than pay then moan about it afterwards. If someone I was seeing sent me a message after a meal out that they said they would pay for asking for half then I’d drop them like a brick. I would assume I’d reciprocate next time. He’s only done this once & only on one occasion since you’ve started seeing him why would you assume he’s a freeloader based on that?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/06/2023 12:58

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 12:38

Because I wasn't expecting it to happen?! Don't worry about the child, he and his brother will be just fine, although I'm probably on toast for the rest of the month.

Show quote history

If this is genuinely the case, you need to speak to him and ask him to pay for all his extras.

Fruitjellies · 04/06/2023 12:59

It feels like a massive leap to him taking advantage just because he asked you about a ring.

It's also weird he had 3 courses and you just had a main. Did you just sit and watch him eat a starter and dessert? Maybe he was very hungry / thought it was a treat as you suggested a nicer pub.

I don't think this is LTB territory but you just need to communicate and say that if he wants to go for more extensive and expensive meals it'll have to be less often, shared differently or so on. You just need to explain and otherwise you're assuming he knows your financial situation

Trippin · 04/06/2023 12:59

Can't you just message home he owes half the tab considering g it was so much?

Thelnebriati · 04/06/2023 13:00

There isn't a chance I'd stick around after that, it feels like a boundary test to see how much of a mug you are.

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 13:00

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 04/06/2023 12:57

The fact he was asking about your ring too OP, I dont know, I think he sees you as a cash cow. Its been a few weeks, why does he know so much? I would seriously let this one go. He thinks he's hit the jackpot.

Just because he met me as I was still bruised and battered from surgery and wearing compression 24/7, so I told him the truth 🤷‍♀️ he knows I paid for it but obviously not how much and I don't think I've told him about paying my car off actually but that is a drop in the ocean compared to my medical costs! I do think you may be right though 😉 x

OP posts:
Backstreets · 04/06/2023 13:00

Not sure if this is worth binning him over if this is the first strike but it was massively cheeky, not very attractive and I'd certainly only pay for mine from here on.

Wife2b · 04/06/2023 13:00

HRTeatime · 04/06/2023 12:49

Can’t you just message him and say I wasn’t expecting to pick up the whole tab last night, as usually we do rounds, so can you send me your share of the bill please as I need it to cover my MOT, thanks. I guess his response will let you know if he’s a cheeky fucker or not.

This. Surely it’s an easy fix and you’ll know whether to end things now.

Fatkittythinkitty · 04/06/2023 13:01

I agree with people who are saying you should just message him. That's a perfect way to work out what he's about. Tell him you felt embarrassed addressing it last night but you're now really short for the month and ask him for a contribution.

If his reply is along the lines of apologetic and quick to send you the money then you know he was just being thoughtless.