CF or me being tight?

[TheSnootiestFox]

Please can you help me decide? I've posted this on relationships but I'm putting it here for traffic! I've actually drafted the final WhatsApp saying how upset I was but given he's been a little star up until now I would welcome a few more opinions.......

I've been seeing someone for a few weeks. All has been great until Friday night when I felt properly sussed out financially. So for example, I was asked if a diamond ring I wear was real. Then, in the past when we've eaten out we've always bought drinks in rounds and taken turns on main courses of around 16 or 17 pounds. Last night I said it was my round, and suggested a different pub which was a bit more expensive just for a change but I was only expecting to have a main course (mine was £23, his £30.). He then proceeds to order 3 courses and extra drinks, the last of which he took 3 mouthfuls of the pint and said he didn't want it and didn't know why he'd ordered it so left it. Obviously I then picked up a bill of over £100 that I hadn't budgeted for. He knows its my son's birthday and my cars MOT and I'm paying for an overnight stay later in the month for us both, and although this is him coming along to help me with something I am funding the whole thing for both of us.

Am I just being tight here and if I invite him out I should be prepared for every eventuality 😆 or was that a bit cheeky?

@TheSnootiestFox I wouldn't say anything now either dump him or get him to take you somewhere very posh.

Thank you. I really appreciate your wisdom. I just find myself in these situations because I have no bloody backbone sometimes!

i think if normally you go to cheap pubs, then most people just then have a main - burger / fish and chips.

And if you go to a nicer place, then its a MEAL OUT, rather than "a bite to eat" and would probably have 3 courses (or 2)

So your turn to pay and you invited him to a nice place. He ordered 3 courses, as did you. i can't see him being a CF here really.

you say you are broke but also spending lots on private surgary, wearing an expensive ring, so there is a mismatch there. I'd assume you had lots of saving from that/were comfortable.

if you then asked me to pay my share of that meal, i'd pay up but probably drop you as a partner, as you assumed i was a CF and wouldn't be treating you to a nice meal next time.

This is easily resolved, you each pay your own share. Divide bill each time,each date,every time
Dont expect a partner to pay for your food & drinks

Going forward , Don't judge a man to be a good partner because he pays for stuff, it’s old fashioned and passive to expect a man pay. I don’t know why a man picking up tab for a woman is seen so favourably. It’s antiquated and anachronistic. Some mn women seem to see this as a positive attribute in a man, that he pony’s up

Where are you hoping the relationship is going? Because to me (individual perspective I know) revealing more of yourself is part of building the relationship. And you can reveal even more if you brace yourself by explaining you ordered the extra courses just to match him, because you were embarrassed, and you've been really worrying about the whole thing. (Assuming you have - difficult to say how much worry and how much lightheartedness is in a forum post)

but when dating i think its fine, after first few dates for one or other to pay.

(ie this isn't a MAN PAY thing)

you are dating, not mates. you pick a restaurant according to your budget and treat the other, then vice versa. splitting it down to the penny is more mates/flatmates. not romantic partners.

I never expect a man to pay. What I don't expect is to be left with a bill nearly twice the size of our usual meals out!

Ooof. This is a difficult one. On one hand, the pint he 'eft is bloody rude, and I would have expected him to offer to contribute to the bill, at least half the drinks because that's what's established between you. But I think he may have got the wrong impression of your financial situation and so maybe didn't really think it through. I'd wait until you saw him again, and I'd be really honest and say you'd prefer to meet in cheaper places if you're going to have three courses, drinks and extras- tell him you haven't much money to eat this month because of that last date. His reaction to this will tell you all you need to know.

ok, so find your voice and speak up. Your passivity & misplaced manners has left you financially compromised

No, I have been worried. But I definitely felt cased. I wouldn't dream of playing with a ring on someone's finger and then asking them how long they'd had it and whether it was real!

It muddied the waters a bit when you also ordered three courses. I don't think you can ask him for a contribution now.

Did he say thank you? Did he appreciate it as a really nice and special evening out? Or did he just wolf his food down and think nothing of it?

I'd wait and see where he takes you next time.

I think it's good to talk about money early on. I'd often say that sounds nice but I can't afford it when asked to go somewhere, but then my ex pointed out that I'd then buy stuff for my house or take my kids out for tea and I had to explain that actually I just had other things I prioritise spending my money on. One of the reasons he's an ex is that he thought I should prioritise spending money and time with him. It's good to find out sooner rather than later.

Well it was a starter for me but yes, point taken. I just didn't want to be sat there awkwardly I think!

Casing you out, taking advantage when he knew you were paying, yes he's a CF auditioning for CL. I'd be tempted to order the works next time it's his turn, and the second he says something, get up and walk out. But I probably wouldn't do it. I'd just end things.

A decent person would have seen the menu, and maybe said the food looks amazing here, I'd like to have 3 courses but I'll pay my share, or offer to pay his share at the end, or cover drinks or something, not leave you with the whole bill. He either knew exactly what he was doing and was taking advantage, or he's clueless and has no manners. Not attractive either way!

Tbh, I can’t imagine ever being this upset about my boyfriend ordering a starter and a dessert.

I’d also never be sat there monitoring how many mouthfuls of a drink my date was consuming.

It's not a boyfriend, they've been dating a few weeks.

Well yes. This was my take and even when the bill came I was hoping he'd say 'shall we go 50/50?' but no such luck. It would never enter my head and if I wanted more than the 'norm' I'd say 'wow I really fancy a starter and maybe a pud so shall we go halves?' But some of the replies here have made me feel like a tightwad so I still don't know what to think!

As above, he's not my boyfriend. If we were in a 'proper' relationship it wouldn't have bothered me so much although it still is a crap month financially.

In the absence of any other flags I wouldn't presume he was taking the P. It's quite probable that as it was you that suggested the 'posher' restaurant you felt like splashing out. Tbh I've occasionally ordered a last drink/sweet and thought l don't actually want it. A bit like at Xmas, you eat more than you need because well its Xmas. Maybe he saw this as a special treat and wanted to make the most of it.
My concerns would be raised if at some stage the 'favour' wasn't returned. You didn't mention being on a budget so l doubt he knew. Going forward though you need to be able to talk about things without feeling awkward. Maybe broach the subject by suggesting you shouldn't have 'gone wild' when your MOT/insurance/holiday coming up.
Have you been stung financially in the past? I don't think id register anything if someone didnt finish a last drink or was asking about my ring.

No, you’re not a tightwad but he has started pushing to see how much you’ll pay for him, that comment about the ring was very telling.

Oh God yes. Had a very bad time in my 20s and was stung financially and more recently my ex husband has cost me thousands and thousands and probably ruined me for life 🙈 I really need to be more savvy and not fall for the cock lodgers which is why I'm asking for guidance!

' I'm so sorry, I didn't realize this place was so expensive! Bit of a lean month for me, could we go elsewhere please? I can't afford this. '

I should have said something. But that particular line would be difficult when it's 8.30 and you're both hungry and the waitress is stood in front of you! I should have said I can only run to a main course though x

You're not a tightwad, you're just too passive.

You didn't say anything when he ordered, or when he kept ordering more drinks, or when the bill came - and now you've paid and are going to be living off toast all month but you still won't say anything.

IMO that's just being silly.