Page 16 | CF or me being tight?

TheSnootiestFox · 2023-06-04T10:15:14+00:00

Please can you help me decide? I've posted this on relationships but I'm putting it here for traffic! I've actually drafted the final WhatsApp saying how upset I was but given he's been a little star up until now I would welcome a few more opinions....... I've been seeing someone for a few weeks. All has been great until Friday night when I felt properly sussed out financially. So for example, I was asked if a diamond ring I wear was real. Then, in the past when we've eaten out we've always bought drinks in rounds and taken turns on main courses of around 16 or 17 pounds. Last night I said it was my round, and suggested a different pub which was a bit more expensive just for a change but I was only expecting to have a main course (mine was £23, his £30.). He then proceeds to order 3 courses and extra drinks, the last of which he took 3 mouthfuls of the pint and said he didn't want it and didn't know why he'd ordered it so left it. Obviously I then picked up a bill of over £100 that I hadn't budgeted for. He knows its my son's birthday and my cars MOT and I'm paying for an overnight stay later in the month for us both, and although this is him coming along to help me with something I am funding the whole thing for both of us. Am I just being tight here and if I invite him out I should be prepared for every eventuality 😆 or was that a bit cheeky?

Ohfgsjon · 10/06/2023 19:27

A bit of the magic would have gone for me if my date chastised me about having a drink and an extra course.

Ukrainebaby23 · 10/06/2023 22:36

' that meal we had last night came out expensive in the end don't you think?
Not sure I can afford to keep doing that. We normally spilt drinks bill too, and I'm a bit short of ££ now, do you think you could pay a bit towards the drinks and help me out?'

If you can't have this conversation, and or the reaction isn't positive to you, I'd reconsider the relationship. Defo put on hold plans to meet him again until at least twice as long as usual.

Shame if you like him, but better to find out now.

mainsfed · 10/06/2023 22:49

Ohfgsjon · 10/06/2023 19:27

A bit of the magic would have gone for me if my date chastised me about having a drink and an extra course.

Funny how he doesn’t order lots of extra drinks when he’s paying.

Is the magic for you being a CF and expecting to be paid for by dates?

Original poster

TheSnootiestFox · 11/06/2023 09:49

Ukrainebaby23 · 10/06/2023 22:36

' that meal we had last night came out expensive in the end don't you think?
Not sure I can afford to keep doing that. We normally spilt drinks bill too, and I'm a bit short of ££ now, do you think you could pay a bit towards the drinks and help me out?'

If you can't have this conversation, and or the reaction isn't positive to you, I'd reconsider the relationship. Defo put on hold plans to meet him again until at least twice as long as usual.

Shame if you like him, but better to find out now.

I can't ask him for money. Categorically not.

OP posts:

Ukrainebaby23 · 11/06/2023 10:04

I used to think that, until DH explained he'd much rather I was honest and let him help me.

If u can't ask directly for money, how about 'I'm going to be a bit short this week/month after that hefty meal out bill, can we skip next drinks/meal out and do something cheaper, walk in the park, night in with TV, visit free museum etc. He will either offer to pay for a treat, or accept a cheaper date or he's a true CF in which case he won't change and you may need to re-evaluate your relationship status.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 11/06/2023 11:38

Well done for saying something. It's out there now, he knows how he made you feel. If it happens again, you'll know he doesn't respect your feelings and you can do what needed.

weirdoboelady · 11/06/2023 12:04

Let us nosey gits know how the relationship goes, and well done! x

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 11/06/2023 18:59

Well done for laying down boundaries by saying something about how he behaved on your previous date. His response to say ‘Let’s not talk about it’ says a lot. It’s always best to call out this type of behaviour at the time or ASAP thereafter. Keep your antennae up.

sonjadog · 11/06/2023 19:19

I think this one is in the death-throws. When you told him, did he make any mention of transferring the money now? If it were all a misunderstanding, I would expect that. Assuming he didn't make any mention (as you didn't write it), then he knew perfectly well what he was doing...

Original poster

TheSnootiestFox · 11/06/2023 22:41

sonjadog · 11/06/2023 19:19

I think this one is in the death-throws. When you told him, did he make any mention of transferring the money now? If it were all a misunderstanding, I would expect that. Assuming he didn't make any mention (as you didn't write it), then he knew perfectly well what he was doing...

No, people of my generation 😁 just don't do that. I wouldn't accept money even if it were offered as it would embarrass me even more! It's over and done with but he knows I'm on his case 😉

OP posts:

sonjadog · 12/06/2023 07:42

I am your age. We absolutely do offer money if it turns out someone has paid money for us that they didn’t expect to. The money would be refused of course, but the offer is made. Could your previous experiences of men taking you for a financial ride be affecting how you see this? The lack of offer to me is really strange. I agree that politeness would make you refuse, but the offer is part of that polite interaction.

Original poster

TheSnootiestFox · 12/06/2023 11:02

sonjadog · 12/06/2023 07:42

I am your age. We absolutely do offer money if it turns out someone has paid money for us that they didn’t expect to. The money would be refused of course, but the offer is made. Could your previous experiences of men taking you for a financial ride be affecting how you see this? The lack of offer to me is really strange. I agree that politeness would make you refuse, but the offer is part of that polite interaction.

I don't recall mentioning my age, and absolutely no we/I don't! I can hear my father telling me off about 'the look of the thing'.... if that had been me I may have slipped some cash into someone's hand with a whispered apology (and tbh that's what I was in fear of last week because my upbringing would have made me refuse) but absolutely no way on God's green earth would either me or any of my social circle make a song and dance about wanting money bank transferred. It would be seen as crass and I would genuinely rather eat toast than put myself in that position! Thay would be seen as similar behaviour to the original CF - I just shouldn't have been put in that position in the first place 🙈 but his card is marked now and we shall see what happens...

OP posts:

mainsfed · 12/06/2023 11:12

TheSnootiestFox · 11/06/2023 22:41

No, people of my generation 😁 just don't do that. I wouldn't accept money even if it were offered as it would embarrass me even more! It's over and done with but he knows I'm on his case 😉

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You wouldn’t accept money even if it was offered. OP, you’re setting up yourself for a lifetime of being taken advantage of.

Original poster

TheSnootiestFox · 12/06/2023 11:22

mainsfed · 12/06/2023 11:12

You wouldn’t accept money even if it was offered. OP, you’re setting up yourself for a lifetime of being taken advantage of.

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And you're missing the point of my initial post completely. I'd already said the meal would be my treat. I couldn't then go back and ask for half!

OP posts:

sonjadog · 12/06/2023 12:55

I thought you had said you were early 50s. My mistake. I have to admit, I didn't go back to check, I just thought I remembered!

Anyway, the situation is over and done with now. I would watch to see what happens in future around financial dealings. I suspect this guy is going to be a bit of a cheapskate.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/06/2023 01:41

Well done on saying your piece. It can't have been easy, but it will get easier.
It is good that he went ahead and paid as it was his turn, which must have felt much better than last time.

I feel a bit petty saying this but I can't help but feel that while it was a better outcome, there's still an imbalance.
You paid and he took full advantage -
It was his turn to pay and you dined at the cheaper place and you were careful not to overspend and only ordered two courses. I feel he won that round.

However, I do accept that he said he didn't realise. But that makes me think he's not really listening to you describing your circumstances, which you've expressed very clearly here. But you have said your piece so I can understand you'd rather move on, although I don't like him saying we won't talk about this again! (Who he?)

Even if you give him the benefit of the doubt, I would still be hiring a man with a van for the furniture. Much less complicated. And it will be worth every penny because it will be reliable and insured. It's just not an early relationship date.

If you are still set on the weekend, make it a real one, in a less expensive month, without heaving heavy furniture about - which always takes much longer than one thinks, Agree very clearly up front all expenses split down the middle.

No more treats.
Treats are the childhood conditioning you mentioned coming out. It will feel very counterintuitive, but you should remind yourself to squash the urge to "treat" him.

Keep saying to yourself It is a special enough treat that you allow him to spend time with you.

DoubleTime · 22/07/2023 11:32

Why don't you just wait until he suggests meeting next, and say you can't afford it because the last meal was over-budget for you. Then see what he does.
If he's as nice as you say, he'll treat you to dinner AND pay for this hotel away when it comes around.

DoubleTime · 22/07/2023 11:33

Sorry OP - looks like I need to catch up on the thread

T1Dmama · 28/07/2023 12:51

@TheSnootiestFox
ive only just seen this thread and am interested to know how things have been? Did he help you move?
Glad you talked about it and he paid for the following meal and drinks

GoldenSpangles · 09/08/2023 16:25

No man has ever taken financial advantage of me. I have a very suspicious nature and I believe trust has to be earned. I am in a profession that really does shake your belief in the innate goodness of people as I deal regularly with people who have no compunction about lying, cheating and stealing. Anybody who questioned me closely about what is obviously a beautiful and spectacular ring and whether it was real would have my sensors on high alert. If it was followed up by that meal incident, those sensors would be screaming "pull up, pull up". Not being a believer in utter randomness I would think that the meal incident was because he thought you had a bit more money than you do. When you raised the issue he backtracked because he knew you were on to him and he probably is looking forward to the "holiday". But you know deep down he is still the person who thought it was fine to stick you with the huge restaurant bill even though it would seem that his matrimonial home has been sold and he should be financially solvent.

I suspect you have been brought up to think that discussing money is something that is not done. Now obviously there is a time and a place and I'd never talk about how much something cost or what I was paid etc. An unwillingness to talk about money where you don't want to be seen as rude or greedy (I can't believe women say that but they do) is a way to get yourself be walked over. Money is not dirty. It gives you freedom and options and I hope you get more of the stuff.

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 12/08/2023 19:48

GoldenSpangles · 09/08/2023 16:25

No man has ever taken financial advantage of me. I have a very suspicious nature and I believe trust has to be earned. I am in a profession that really does shake your belief in the innate goodness of people as I deal regularly with people who have no compunction about lying, cheating and stealing. Anybody who questioned me closely about what is obviously a beautiful and spectacular ring and whether it was real would have my sensors on high alert. If it was followed up by that meal incident, those sensors would be screaming "pull up, pull up". Not being a believer in utter randomness I would think that the meal incident was because he thought you had a bit more money than you do. When you raised the issue he backtracked because he knew you were on to him and he probably is looking forward to the "holiday". But you know deep down he is still the person who thought it was fine to stick you with the huge restaurant bill even though it would seem that his matrimonial home has been sold and he should be financially solvent.

I suspect you have been brought up to think that discussing money is something that is not done. Now obviously there is a time and a place and I'd never talk about how much something cost or what I was paid etc. An unwillingness to talk about money where you don't want to be seen as rude or greedy (I can't believe women say that but they do) is a way to get yourself be walked over. Money is not dirty. It gives you freedom and options and I hope you get more of the stuff.

Great post. Agree with all of it.

billy1966 · 12/08/2023 21:42

GoldenSpangles · 09/08/2023 16:25

No man has ever taken financial advantage of me. I have a very suspicious nature and I believe trust has to be earned. I am in a profession that really does shake your belief in the innate goodness of people as I deal regularly with people who have no compunction about lying, cheating and stealing. Anybody who questioned me closely about what is obviously a beautiful and spectacular ring and whether it was real would have my sensors on high alert. If it was followed up by that meal incident, those sensors would be screaming "pull up, pull up". Not being a believer in utter randomness I would think that the meal incident was because he thought you had a bit more money than you do. When you raised the issue he backtracked because he knew you were on to him and he probably is looking forward to the "holiday". But you know deep down he is still the person who thought it was fine to stick you with the huge restaurant bill even though it would seem that his matrimonial home has been sold and he should be financially solvent.

I suspect you have been brought up to think that discussing money is something that is not done. Now obviously there is a time and a place and I'd never talk about how much something cost or what I was paid etc. An unwillingness to talk about money where you don't want to be seen as rude or greedy (I can't believe women say that but they do) is a way to get yourself be walked over. Money is not dirty. It gives you freedom and options and I hope you get more of the stuff.

Great post, totally agree with you.

Raising my children likewise.

Have done a great job on my boys.

The girls are a work in progress!

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 12/08/2023 22:57

billy1966 · 12/08/2023 21:42

Great post, totally agree with you.

Raising my children likewise.

Have done a great job on my boys.

The girls are a work in progress!

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@billy1966 Btw, you give really good advice. Always spot on and succinct.

Same here with my eldest girl. My youngest girl and boy are next in line!

billy1966 · 13/08/2023 00:05

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 12/08/2023 22:57

@billy1966 Btw, you give really good advice. Always spot on and succinct.

Same here with my eldest girl. My youngest girl and boy are next in line!

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Ah thank you.

My girls have a Sephora habit that I am refusing to indulge whilst we are in Italy and the shops are everywhere.

They are pondering their buys far more carefully now that mother has told them she isn't indulging their Charlotte Tilbury wish list, and that they need to spend THEIR own money!

This mother is a butget buy make up person....€60 bronzers🙄😁

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 13/08/2023 00:36

@billy1966 I’m with you on that! 😁