Page 4 | CF or me being tight?

TheSnootiestFox · 2023-06-04T10:15:14+00:00

Please can you help me decide? I've posted this on relationships but I'm putting it here for traffic! I've actually drafted the final WhatsApp saying how upset I was but given he's been a little star up until now I would welcome a few more opinions....... I've been seeing someone for a few weeks. All has been great until Friday night when I felt properly sussed out financially. So for example, I was asked if a diamond ring I wear was real. Then, in the past when we've eaten out we've always bought drinks in rounds and taken turns on main courses of around 16 or 17 pounds. Last night I said it was my round, and suggested a different pub which was a bit more expensive just for a change but I was only expecting to have a main course (mine was £23, his £30.). He then proceeds to order 3 courses and extra drinks, the last of which he took 3 mouthfuls of the pint and said he didn't want it and didn't know why he'd ordered it so left it. Obviously I then picked up a bill of over £100 that I hadn't budgeted for. He knows its my son's birthday and my cars MOT and I'm paying for an overnight stay later in the month for us both, and although this is him coming along to help me with something I am funding the whole thing for both of us. Am I just being tight here and if I invite him out I should be prepared for every eventuality 😆 or was that a bit cheeky?

Original poster

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 13:02

Makemyday99 · 04/06/2023 12:58

Well you should have said something at the time rather than pay then moan about it afterwards. If someone I was seeing sent me a message after a meal out that they said they would pay for asking for half then I’d drop them like a brick. I would assume I’d reciprocate next time. He’s only done this once & only on one occasion since you’ve started seeing him why would you assume he’s a freeloader based on that?

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I get this. I can't bring myself to ask him for half so I'm going to have to suck it up now. I just thought it was a bit cheeky and was checking opinion 🤔

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pillsthrillsandbellyache · 04/06/2023 13:03

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 13:00

Just because he met me as I was still bruised and battered from surgery and wearing compression 24/7, so I told him the truth 🤷‍♀️ he knows I paid for it but obviously not how much and I don't think I've told him about paying my car off actually but that is a drop in the ocean compared to my medical costs! I do think you may be right though 😉 x

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Ah get him gone lass. You seem to have your head screwed on, dont let a potential cocklodger screw it all up for you. I think you have shared too much too soon and his little radar has been pinged 😁 good luck!

Original poster

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 13:05

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 04/06/2023 13:03

Ah get him gone lass. You seem to have your head screwed on, dont let a potential cocklodger screw it all up for you. I think you have shared too much too soon and his little radar has been pinged 😁 good luck!

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Thank you! I think you're right, I just couldn't think of another way of explaining that I looked like I'd come off a motorbike so I told him the truth!!! 🤣

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Makemyday99 · 04/06/2023 13:05

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 13:02

I get this. I can't bring myself to ask him for half so I'm going to have to suck it up now. I just thought it was a bit cheeky and was checking opinion 🤔

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If it was a pattern of behaviour then I would absolutely get rid of him but I don’t think you can brand him a freeloader based on this one experiment, your expectations were not the same as his so maybe just make it clear next time exactly what you are happy to pay for. Just make sure you order 3 courses & extra drinks next time when he is paying

mcmooberry · 04/06/2023 13:06

Definitely a CF I am afraid, and leaving a drink would drive me insane. He should have offered to go halves at this stage in the relationship.

I think you might be on high alert for further signs of him being a freeloader which could spoil everything. I would go a bit cool with him for now.

weirdoboelady · 04/06/2023 13:06

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 13:02

I get this. I can't bring myself to ask him for half so I'm going to have to suck it up now. I just thought it was a bit cheeky and was checking opinion 🤔

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I don't see why you have to suck it up. I would say to him

'Sorry, I'm really embarrassed saying this, but when I suggested the more expensive place I was expecting us to have one course and a drink, as we normally do. I got more and more concerned when you ordered three courses and extra drinks - one of which you didn't even drink FFS - and it's left me really short for the month. How would you feel about paying for the extra courses and drinks you had?'

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/06/2023 13:06

Let the lesson be learnt

Original poster

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 13:08

weirdoboelady · 04/06/2023 13:06

I don't see why you have to suck it up. I would say to him

'Sorry, I'm really embarrassed saying this, but when I suggested the more expensive place I was expecting us to have one course and a drink, as we normally do. I got more and more concerned when you ordered three courses and extra drinks - one of which you didn't even drink FFS - and it's left me really short for the month. How would you feel about paying for the extra courses and drinks you had?'

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Let me ponder this and try and summon the courage to do it. Damn being too British!!!! 🙈

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2catsandhappy · 04/06/2023 13:10

He sounds like a right pig with pound signs in his eyes.

FawnFrenchieMum · 04/06/2023 13:14

Namechangedforthis2244 · 04/06/2023 12:30

I think that I’ve got a slightly different perspective from pp here.

If I was dating someone who seemed reasonably well off, wore real jewellery, suggested a more expensive pub, offered to pay for a night away as a thank you etc I would probably assume that they weren’t struggling financially. And if we had already settled into a routine of taking turns to pay I probably wouldn’t worry if we had a more expensive meal one night, it was their turn and they paid happily without asking for a contribution.

On the other hand if they had talked about worrying about money, had suggested we got one course, told me that they were worried about paying for their mot, regularly suggested free dates etc. Then I would be being careful to date within their budget and making sure that I paid for the more expensive stuff.

As a woman I wouldn’t order 3 courses with a date who only ordered one, but that’s more my female socialisation than it would be a caution around cost if I thought that they were well off. It’s not unusual for a man to order more courses than a woman even when he’s paying.

If everything else is otherwise good then I’d probably not ruin things by being angry about this. How about a text along the lines of “eeek I’ve just checked my receipt and dinner the other night was loads more than I’d thought- £100 for the two of us - I know we usually take turns but do you mind if we split this one? I’ve got my mot this month “

I think that his reply will probably tell you whether it was deliberate or whether he’s just assumed you’re more comfortable than you are.

This would be my thoughts as well. I sometimes think people who don’t have to count every people don’t always over think these things.

Kugela · 04/06/2023 13:14

@TheSnootiestFox don’t feel bad that you didn’t say anything about the extra expense at the time. You’ve had a good warning that this man is a freeloader before he moves in or you become more involved with him. It’s only been a few weeks so you can easily move on. Now is a good time to tell him that the relationship isn’t working out for you and that you don’t want to see him again. Go away by yourself or take a trusted friend on the night away that you’ve booked.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 04/06/2023 13:15

In what way is he a 'little star', OP? I can't imagine referring to a boyfriend this way so I'm asking.

He sounds more like a 'little shit' from what you've posted.

Merryoldgoat · 04/06/2023 13:15

If you invited me out to a place to eat where starters are £15 I would think that you didn’t have any budgetary constraints.

I know everyone is different but I always expect the possibility of three courses when out for dinner.

He might be a piss taker, but he might not be at all. I would just have a talk and say you were Surprised and want to start going halves.

I’ve been with my DH for nearly 20 years so obviously it’s been a while, but I used to say ‘let’s go somewhere cheap’ or ‘I fancy a treat’ etc and ‘I can’t I’m broke’.

Being honest about money and not allowing it to be an issue from early is essential.

Gerwurtztraminer · 04/06/2023 13:18

Plus I had extra courses once he'd ordered as I felt self conscious

Well that was unnecessary - can you work out why you felt embarrassed and needed to do that? I often don't eat all the courses when out with friends and I don't think anyone would wonder why. THere are various reasons - I'm not hungry/watching my weight/can't afford it/don't fancy the options or whatever and I'd not feel self conscious chatting away whist they are eating and I'm not.

Your new man was very inconsiderate especially as he's knows it a tough month for you, and I'd be asking him to pay for the extra drinks he had at the least. It's a bit harder asking for him to pay for bread/ starter/dessert if you also ended up having extra courses but perhaps asking for a "contribution" to those would be possible. The relationship is probaly not going to work anyway if he's like this, so why not test what his reaction is to being asked for some money now.

Original poster

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 13:18

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 04/06/2023 13:15

In what way is he a 'little star', OP? I can't imagine referring to a boyfriend this way so I'm asking.

He sounds more like a 'little shit' from what you've posted.

Helped me break into my mums house to feed the cat when the lock failed. And tbh just being absolutely lovely!

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sonjadog · 04/06/2023 13:19

I would message him. I understand that it is embarrassing but I think it is actually a good way to find out who he actually is. At the moment, you are thinking that maybe he was deliberately trying to get as much as he could off you. But maybe it was actually a misunderstanding and when he knows this, he will be embarrassed and send you the cost immediately? By giving the chance to rectify this, you are a giving him a chance to show if he is a decent guy or not, not just writing him off as a CF straight away.

Original poster

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 13:19

Thank you all. I am absolutely not asking home for money, buy was just wondering whether i was right to be a bit peeved and to not put myself in that position again!

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Original poster

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 13:21

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 13:19

Thank you all. I am absolutely not asking home for money, buy was just wondering whether i was right to be a bit peeved and to not put myself in that position again!

You all know what I mean! Bloody phone x

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Badhairday101 · 04/06/2023 13:22

Can't you just text him and say could you transfer your share over for last night, it was easier for me to pick up the tab but I wasn't planning on paying for everything. Even if he just sends money for drinks it's something. He can't really say no and if he does then at least you know you dodged a bullet.
I've always gone 50:50 with my partner unless one of us say it's our treat which I think works out better.

ScribblingPixie · 04/06/2023 13:24

The drink that he ordered despite not particularly wanting it is the red flag to me - it screams 'freebie'.

Londontown12 · 04/06/2023 13:25

What @mainsfed said ! X

DrManhattan · 04/06/2023 13:26

Have you heard from him since? Maybe he was planning on dumping you, so he thought fuck it and went nuts with the ordering.

Wildspace · 04/06/2023 13:27

Namechangedforthis2244 · 04/06/2023 12:30

I think that I’ve got a slightly different perspective from pp here.

If I was dating someone who seemed reasonably well off, wore real jewellery, suggested a more expensive pub, offered to pay for a night away as a thank you etc I would probably assume that they weren’t struggling financially. And if we had already settled into a routine of taking turns to pay I probably wouldn’t worry if we had a more expensive meal one night, it was their turn and they paid happily without asking for a contribution.

On the other hand if they had talked about worrying about money, had suggested we got one course, told me that they were worried about paying for their mot, regularly suggested free dates etc. Then I would be being careful to date within their budget and making sure that I paid for the more expensive stuff.

As a woman I wouldn’t order 3 courses with a date who only ordered one, but that’s more my female socialisation than it would be a caution around cost if I thought that they were well off. It’s not unusual for a man to order more courses than a woman even when he’s paying.

If everything else is otherwise good then I’d probably not ruin things by being angry about this. How about a text along the lines of “eeek I’ve just checked my receipt and dinner the other night was loads more than I’d thought- £100 for the two of us - I know we usually take turns but do you mind if we split this one? I’ve got my mot this month “

I think that his reply will probably tell you whether it was deliberate or whether he’s just assumed you’re more comfortable than you are.

This is exactly my perspective too. Perhaps a bit of lack of communication rather than CF-ery going on.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 04/06/2023 13:28

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 13:18

Helped me break into my mums house to feed the cat when the lock failed. And tbh just being absolutely lovely!

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That was a helpful thing to do but isn't he supposed to be 'lovely'? He's obviously showing you different facets of himself that you don't feel accord with what you think/thought of him before.

Ordering for the sake of it and wasting it is piggish behaviour. I agree with PP that you've confused it a bit by over-ordering yourself as you felt self-conscious but, how does he not know that you have an MOT and other expenses this month? I would say that to a date who I've only known for a few weeks... "Oh, let's just split it 50:50 as the car's in for MOT this month". Anybody who is half-way decent would be fine with that.

You've posted in disappointment, and I think you're justified. Pull back now. I wouldn't send that message but I'd be going 50:50 now until you really know each other better.

Original poster

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 13:28

DrManhattan · 04/06/2023 13:26

Have you heard from him since? Maybe he was planning on dumping you, so he thought fuck it and went nuts with the ordering.

No, we spoke this morning. And I was too bloody British and soft to say, about Friday.........🙈

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