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AIBU?

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Original poster

CF or me being tight?

406 replies

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 11:15

Please can you help me decide? I've posted this on relationships but I'm putting it here for traffic! I've actually drafted the final WhatsApp saying how upset I was but given he's been a little star up until now I would welcome a few more opinions.......

I've been seeing someone for a few weeks. All has been great until Friday night when I felt properly sussed out financially. So for example, I was asked if a diamond ring I wear was real. Then, in the past when we've eaten out we've always bought drinks in rounds and taken turns on main courses of around 16 or 17 pounds. Last night I said it was my round, and suggested a different pub which was a bit more expensive just for a change but I was only expecting to have a main course (mine was £23, his £30.). He then proceeds to order 3 courses and extra drinks, the last of which he took 3 mouthfuls of the pint and said he didn't want it and didn't know why he'd ordered it so left it. Obviously I then picked up a bill of over £100 that I hadn't budgeted for. He knows its my son's birthday and my cars MOT and I'm paying for an overnight stay later in the month for us both, and although this is him coming along to help me with something I am funding the whole thing for both of us.

Am I just being tight here and if I invite him out I should be prepared for every eventuality 😆 or was that a bit cheeky?

OP posts:
Sarahtm35 · 04/06/2023 13:55

Nah dump him he sounds vile.
cal me old fashioned but in a new relationship I’d expect him to foot the bill. It’s called being a gentlemen and anything less just isn’t for me.

Mars27 · 04/06/2023 13:57

Run, don't walk 🚩

MatildaTheCat · 04/06/2023 13:58

What do you know about his finances other than him selling his house? If he is wealthy it’s quite possible this hasn’t hit his radar at all. DB is very well off indeed and I do have to give him a reality check sometimes. If he has perceived you as also well off (rings and nice stuff) he might be regarding your hints about having a tight month as something entirely different from the reality.

It sounds tricky because it’s early days but if you go ahead do split bills and be upfront about what you can or can’t afford.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 04/06/2023 13:58

Next time he suggested a meet up suggests he chooses as the last one was on you....

Quitelikeacatslife · 04/06/2023 13:58

I think you need to write off this money , but bring it up, "it was lovely there, wasn't it but bit pricey for me" see if he says anything. Certainly let him buy dinner when you ho away for weekend and ask him for half of hotel room too. I know it's for you but it's only fair . You are going to have to admit you are strapped for cash

JennyJenny8675309 · 04/06/2023 13:58

Typical thread here. Starts out supportive then gradually the goady F’s come out of the shadows and start piling on the OP, victim blaming.

OP, I’ve had this situation happen with a (short-term) relationship and the revelation of his true character was instant ick. Get rid.

Maray1967 · 04/06/2023 13:59

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 04/06/2023 12:57

The fact he was asking about your ring too OP, I dont know, I think he sees you as a cash cow. Its been a few weeks, why does he know so much? I would seriously let this one go. He thinks he's hit the jackpot.

Yes, leaving aside the meal, which was bad, asking you whether a diamond is real or not is rather worrying, to be honest. I wouldn’t dream of asking either of my sisters in law , whom I’ve known for 30 years and get on very well with, whether their jewellery is real or not.

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 14:00

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/06/2023 13:55

You're not a tightwad, you're just too passive.

You didn't say anything when he ordered, or when he kept ordering more drinks, or when the bill came - and now you've paid and are going to be living off toast all month but you still won't say anything.

IMO that's just being silly.

Show quote history

I just genuinely don't how I could have sat there in a restaurant full of people and with the waitress in front of me, no scrap what he's just ordered, we'll just have.....'

OP posts:
2bazookas · 04/06/2023 14:02

I'd say he was just squeezing your wallet dry one last time, because he already has his sights on some other sucker.

seven201 · 04/06/2023 14:03

I don't think he's taken advantage, I think he was a bit oblivious (not that he should be, he should have realised). If you'd said when he started talking about ordering starters about only planning to pay for a main each, what do you think he'd have said? When the bill come you should have discussed the drinks split. I think you need to speak up more. Have an honest chat with him. I don't think you should be blocking him etc before chatting to him about it.

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 04/06/2023 14:03

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 13:36

No, I have been worried. But I definitely felt cased. I wouldn't dream of playing with a ring on someone's finger and then asking them how long they'd had it and whether it was real!

Show quote history

The ring comment was rude and is a big red flag.

If it wasn’t for the ring comment, I’d give him one more chance to see if he’d do something similar in future.

Personally, I wouldn’t bother as you’re not even calling him your boyfriend yet.

You could do a revenge meal and do the same to him, but life is too short for that.

I also think that he could be testing you.

TheCentreSlide · 04/06/2023 14:07

He did take advantage. Quite obviously.

OP do ask him for some money, be bold - and you know he will be out of your life soon when you muster the courage so what does it matter? What you’re asking for is entirely reasonable.

If he gives one shit about you he’ll say ‘oh I’m so glad you said! I’ll happily send some through - would hate for you to be so strapped this month!’

And if he doesn’t react like that you have your answer.

Naunet · 04/06/2023 14:09

I don’t know why people are saying this isn’t worth kicking up a fuss about, it absolutely is. We all have different values, and I want someone who has the same values as me, because then we’re more likely to be compatible. I would never take advantage of someone offering to pay like that, not a date, not a friend, not even family, so I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would, it’s very unattractive to me. If OP is the same, then it’s a very good reason not to continue a relationship.

theGooHasGone · 04/06/2023 14:09

If you haven't let on that the money was a problem (quite weird of you to care so much about shielding him from reality, but that's a different issue...) then it's still his turn to pay next time you go out. Do what others said and make sure you go to an equally expensive place, order a load of food and drinks and let him pick up the full bill. Don't accept any splitting or anything else even he asks, just laugh and remind him that you paid over £100 for the two of you last time so it's his turn.

Any time you feel embarrassed just remember this thread. It sounds like he (and your exes) are just taking advantage of the fact that you're incapable of saying no or standing up to people, which means you're going to get taken to the cleaners repeatedly unless you change!

porridgeisbae · 04/06/2023 14:10

If you'd said you were only planning to have (and by implication, only planning to pay for) mains then no, you aren't wrong to be annoyed at all. And he should've considered the price of drinks and not kept ordering them.

I've stopped having more than one course quite as often, as eating out is so expensive now.

JudgeRudy · 04/06/2023 14:12

Oh God yes. Had a very bad time in my 20s and was stung financially and more recently my ex husband has cost me thousands and thousands and probably ruined me for life 🙈 I really need to be more savvy and not fall for the cock lodgers which is why I'm asking for guidance!

@TheSnootiestFox whilst it's wise to be more savvy going forward, there's a middle ground. It's possible none of his actions were manipulate or controlling. Maybe he was trying to work out if your ring was an heirloom (as in did it have sentimental value) or maybe he's wondering if it was an former engagement ring. You're right to take note but not to hyperfocus on these 'financial flags'. It's early days so allow things to develop. Your overnight break will be a good chance to assess his character better. You can't take any relationship forward without an element of truth and risk but ultimately, unless you're suffering from previous trauma it's best to listen to your gut reaction.
Good luck.

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 14:13

theGooHasGone · 04/06/2023 14:09

If you haven't let on that the money was a problem (quite weird of you to care so much about shielding him from reality, but that's a different issue...) then it's still his turn to pay next time you go out. Do what others said and make sure you go to an equally expensive place, order a load of food and drinks and let him pick up the full bill. Don't accept any splitting or anything else even he asks, just laugh and remind him that you paid over £100 for the two of you last time so it's his turn.

Any time you feel embarrassed just remember this thread. It sounds like he (and your exes) are just taking advantage of the fact that you're incapable of saying no or standing up to people, which means you're going to get taken to the cleaners repeatedly unless you change!

I've told him things will be tight this month and going forward for a bit while I let the dust settle. No weirdness involved!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 14:14

JudgeRudy · 04/06/2023 14:12

Oh God yes. Had a very bad time in my 20s and was stung financially and more recently my ex husband has cost me thousands and thousands and probably ruined me for life 🙈 I really need to be more savvy and not fall for the cock lodgers which is why I'm asking for guidance!

@TheSnootiestFox whilst it's wise to be more savvy going forward, there's a middle ground. It's possible none of his actions were manipulate or controlling. Maybe he was trying to work out if your ring was an heirloom (as in did it have sentimental value) or maybe he's wondering if it was an former engagement ring. You're right to take note but not to hyperfocus on these 'financial flags'. It's early days so allow things to develop. Your overnight break will be a good chance to assess his character better. You can't take any relationship forward without an element of truth and risk but ultimately, unless you're suffering from previous trauma it's best to listen to your gut reaction.
Good luck.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 14:15

Naunet · 04/06/2023 14:09

I don’t know why people are saying this isn’t worth kicking up a fuss about, it absolutely is. We all have different values, and I want someone who has the same values as me, because then we’re more likely to be compatible. I would never take advantage of someone offering to pay like that, not a date, not a friend, not even family, so I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would, it’s very unattractive to me. If OP is the same, then it’s a very good reason not to continue a relationship.

Exactly this! Thank you x

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/06/2023 14:16

I just genuinely don't how I could have sat there in a restaurant full of people and with the waitress in front of me, no scrap what he's just ordered, we'll just have....

Nobody's saying you should have done that - they are saying you should have discussed what you'd be eating beforehand if you were on such a tight budget.

I don't think I've ever been out for a meal and not talked about whether we'd get starters and desserts, or one/the other, or neither, or whether we'd share a starter etc. beforehand - especially if money was a bit tight.

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 14:20

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/06/2023 14:16

I just genuinely don't how I could have sat there in a restaurant full of people and with the waitress in front of me, no scrap what he's just ordered, we'll just have....

Nobody's saying you should have done that - they are saying you should have discussed what you'd be eating beforehand if you were on such a tight budget.

I don't think I've ever been out for a meal and not talked about whether we'd get starters and desserts, or one/the other, or neither, or whether we'd share a starter etc. beforehand - especially if money was a bit tight.

On the 4 occasions we have eaten out before, we have done that and the consensus has always been we'd just have a main. Never entered my head it would change once a more expensive menu was in front of him 🙄

OP posts:
Newbie198 · 04/06/2023 14:22

£100 well spent in my opinion to have worked him out.

Bargain.

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 14:23

Newbie198 · 04/06/2023 14:22

£100 well spent in my opinion to have worked him out.

Bargain.

😉 that's exactly what I was thinking in the way home!

OP posts:
AlfietheSchnauzer · 04/06/2023 14:23

mainsfed · 04/06/2023 11:58

YANBU. Have one more meal with him at his expense, order 3 courses and lots of drinks. Don’t finish one drink.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Then dump him.

Good idea but I'd be worried he'd nip to the 'bathroom' after he'd eaten and then disappear 🫥

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/06/2023 14:24

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 14:20

On the 4 occasions we have eaten out before, we have done that and the consensus has always been we'd just have a main. Never entered my head it would change once a more expensive menu was in front of him 🙄

Show quote history

Each to their own, but I would always check, especially if I knew money was tight and I had an MOT and a birthday to pay for.

An expensive lesson learned, I guess.