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Original poster

CF or me being tight?

406 replies

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 11:15

Please can you help me decide? I've posted this on relationships but I'm putting it here for traffic! I've actually drafted the final WhatsApp saying how upset I was but given he's been a little star up until now I would welcome a few more opinions.......

I've been seeing someone for a few weeks. All has been great until Friday night when I felt properly sussed out financially. So for example, I was asked if a diamond ring I wear was real. Then, in the past when we've eaten out we've always bought drinks in rounds and taken turns on main courses of around 16 or 17 pounds. Last night I said it was my round, and suggested a different pub which was a bit more expensive just for a change but I was only expecting to have a main course (mine was £23, his £30.). He then proceeds to order 3 courses and extra drinks, the last of which he took 3 mouthfuls of the pint and said he didn't want it and didn't know why he'd ordered it so left it. Obviously I then picked up a bill of over £100 that I hadn't budgeted for. He knows its my son's birthday and my cars MOT and I'm paying for an overnight stay later in the month for us both, and although this is him coming along to help me with something I am funding the whole thing for both of us.

Am I just being tight here and if I invite him out I should be prepared for every eventuality 😆 or was that a bit cheeky?

OP posts:
MNChickenForAWeek · 04/06/2023 12:26

*innocent

Clymene · 04/06/2023 12:26

So when it's his turn to pay next time will tell you everything you need to know. If he suggests you meet in Spoons, you're in cf territory

Daleksatemyshed · 04/06/2023 12:28

Not on Op, you usually just have one course and he deceides to go mad the day you're paying, especially when he knows you have bills to pay this month. Leaving the pint almost untouched would have wound be up

AHugeTinyMistake · 04/06/2023 12:29

You're not wrong OP

How you deal with it I don't know - but don't let it slide.

It would be an awkward conversation to have if you can stomach it. I don't know if I could be bothered with a 'revenge dinner' - I don't think that's something you would enjoy. Perhaps a WhatsApp is the best way.

FurryPelmet · 04/06/2023 12:29

Have you paid for the holiday? If so, can you cancel it and get some / all of your money back? I’d be telling him straight that you can’t afford to pay for it in addition to that expensive night out and other things you’ve got to budget for. If he doesn’t offer to contribute a penny despite knowing how you paid way more than he has done on meals, then you know you need to dump him. He cannot expect you to bankroll holidays and £100 dinners and return that by doing no more than paying for you to have a main course and a drink or two.

Namechangedforthis2244 · 04/06/2023 12:30

I think that I’ve got a slightly different perspective from pp here.

If I was dating someone who seemed reasonably well off, wore real jewellery, suggested a more expensive pub, offered to pay for a night away as a thank you etc I would probably assume that they weren’t struggling financially. And if we had already settled into a routine of taking turns to pay I probably wouldn’t worry if we had a more expensive meal one night, it was their turn and they paid happily without asking for a contribution.

On the other hand if they had talked about worrying about money, had suggested we got one course, told me that they were worried about paying for their mot, regularly suggested free dates etc. Then I would be being careful to date within their budget and making sure that I paid for the more expensive stuff.

As a woman I wouldn’t order 3 courses with a date who only ordered one, but that’s more my female socialisation than it would be a caution around cost if I thought that they were well off. It’s not unusual for a man to order more courses than a woman even when he’s paying.

If everything else is otherwise good then I’d probably not ruin things by being angry about this. How about a text along the lines of “eeek I’ve just checked my receipt and dinner the other night was loads more than I’d thought- £100 for the two of us - I know we usually take turns but do you mind if we split this one? I’ve got my mot this month “

I think that his reply will probably tell you whether it was deliberate or whether he’s just assumed you’re more comfortable than you are.

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 12:31

FurryPelmet · 04/06/2023 12:29

Have you paid for the holiday? If so, can you cancel it and get some / all of your money back? I’d be telling him straight that you can’t afford to pay for it in addition to that expensive night out and other things you’ve got to budget for. If he doesn’t offer to contribute a penny despite knowing how you paid way more than he has done on meals, then you know you need to dump him. He cannot expect you to bankroll holidays and £100 dinners and return that by doing no more than paying for you to have a main course and a drink or two.

Just to clarify it's not a holiday. I can't say what we're up to as it's quite outing but he is helping me with something, just receiving quite a nice jolly and a night away in a hotel (and no doubt dinner and breakfast) as part of the deal!

OP posts:
StrawberryWasp · 04/06/2023 12:31

Hmm, I think if you are both comfortably off ordering more than one course and a few drinks wouldn't seem like a big deal as long as it's reciprocated.

Do you know whether he'd be generous and relaxed if it was his turn? I'd clock what he did and over time see if he is a generous person or just a taker.

Tbh I would find your nit picking on counting who has a dessert and whether he finishes his drink etc a bit tight unless you're struggling with money and he knows it.

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 12:33

StrawberryWasp · 04/06/2023 12:31

Hmm, I think if you are both comfortably off ordering more than one course and a few drinks wouldn't seem like a big deal as long as it's reciprocated.

Do you know whether he'd be generous and relaxed if it was his turn? I'd clock what he did and over time see if he is a generous person or just a taker.

Tbh I would find your nit picking on counting who has a dessert and whether he finishes his drink etc a bit tight unless you're struggling with money and he knows it.

I know. That's why I'm too embarrassed to mention it! But I have been telling him things are tight. I do look expensive and have nice things because I had a completely different life once, but I live in a rented house and drive a dacia and he knows this 🤣

OP posts:
Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 04/06/2023 12:34

But that doesn't alter the fact I now need to not eat anything else this month or my firstborn won't have birthday presents 🤣

Why are you laughing at this? That’s terrible. You must speak up.

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 12:35

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 04/06/2023 12:34

But that doesn't alter the fact I now need to not eat anything else this month or my firstborn won't have birthday presents 🤣

Why are you laughing at this? That’s terrible. You must speak up.

I'm laughing because I'm an idiot but I'll manage because I always manage. And it's too late to speak up, I've paid 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
pillsthrillsandbellyache · 04/06/2023 12:36

Come on OP. You have literally taken from your child to give to this man? Figure out why before you continue to do so.

Makemyday99 · 04/06/2023 12:36

So it was your turn to pick up tab as you stated but he’s only allowed a main & no extra drinks? Honestly I think it’s strange that there are conditions on you paying but he’s supposed to know what they are without you saying so. If this was a pattern then yes he’s an arse but it’s only happened once so you do same when it’s his turn. It’s not like he’s asking to borrow money! Also I’ve was asked if my diamond was real by my now husband of nearly 2 decades, it doesn’t mean anything

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 12:38

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 04/06/2023 12:36

Come on OP. You have literally taken from your child to give to this man? Figure out why before you continue to do so.

Because I wasn't expecting it to happen?! Don't worry about the child, he and his brother will be just fine, although I'm probably on toast for the rest of the month.

OP posts:
Thoughtful2355 · 04/06/2023 12:39

Yupp bin him, OR see what his reaction is when you go to a nice restaurant next time and do the same to him, see if he mentions it or just pays.
I wouldnt mind if my partner did that to me BUT i know he would do the same for me and everything does feel very 50/50 between us

Justcallmebebes · 04/06/2023 12:39

Well as the next "round" is on him, I would have one more date, do exactly the same to him and then dump his sorry arse. He was really out of order

Daleksatemyshed · 04/06/2023 12:39

I think @Namechangedforthis2244 has the answer Op, tell him it was £100 which you can't afford an can he go halves with you? If he says yes, all good

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 12:40

Thank you everyone for your replies. I guess I just move in different worlds to some of you as £109 for a meal for two is just bonkers, especially when you were expecting about £50. Thanks again x

OP posts:
Aprilx · 04/06/2023 12:41

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 12:38

Because I wasn't expecting it to happen?! Don't worry about the child, he and his brother will be just fine, although I'm probably on toast for the rest of the month.

Show quote history

I am getting a bit confused to be honest. If you really are this hard up, why are you going out for meals, picking more expensive places and saying that it is your turn to pick up the tab? I really don’t think you can say it is your turn to pay and then be monitoring what the other person orders, to the point of mentioning the discrepancy in your main course costs.

I would probably just let this one go but see if a pattern emerges.

CurlyQueues · 04/06/2023 12:42

but it's tight this month and he knows it!

It was bad enough about the more than usual food and drinks and feeling "sussed out financially" (never ignore your gut) but this looks to me like him testing your boundaries. Be very careful with this one.

SchoolShenanigans · 04/06/2023 12:45

I think the best way to find out his intentions is to order 3 courses and multiple drinks next time it's on him and check out his reaction. If he's fine with it, then chances are he just fancied more and didn't think. If he is a bit funny about it or tries to get you to order less, then you know he was taking the piss.

Either way though, decent, long lasting relationships rely on honesty. If you can't be honest about money, expectations and pressures then really you're just a good time couple. I get it's early days, and you don't want to be a downer, but surely in the real world we all have budgets and expectations. Next time, just say "I can only really afford one course, shall we grab some pudding from Tesco on the way home" etc. If he's a good man, he'll get it. If he makes a big deal of it, then he's probably not the kind of person you want to partner up in life with.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 04/06/2023 12:45

Wel, a decent person, male or female, doesn't go nuts ordering 3 courses and several drinks on someone else's dime. Especially when said someone else is a single mother. That's awful behaviour. Keep a close eye OP if you go out with him again. I wouldn't mind, imagine if last night was a test?. He learned that OP will just pay up without saying a word. Which is pretty sweet for him.

TimesRwo · 04/06/2023 12:45

Urgh I dated someone like that. We took it in turns and whenever it was his turn, we would go somewhere cheap but whenever it was my turn, we would go somewhere expensive. Took me a while to realise that pattern and it gave me the ick. Still feel grossed out when I think of him 15 years later!

Beaujolaisqueen · 04/06/2023 12:46

It’s pretty normal to go for a meal and have it all on a tab. What happened when the waitress came over for you to pay? Did you straight away volunteer or suggest you split?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 04/06/2023 12:47

Did you just order a main @TheSnootiestFox ? I just do not believe for one second he wasn't aware, especially if you only stuck to a main.

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