DH went to a stripper on a stag do

[ToffeeForEveryone]

DH recently back from a stag do with close group of friends. We'd had a conversation beforehand that I didn't want him to go to a strip club/get a dance - almost jokily, because the "planned activities" were more like bowling and fancy brunch...

This evening he was showing me something from a group chat with the boys, and I saw that they had gone to a strip club. He reacted really extreme and tried to grab his phone back (for reference, we regularly look at each other's phones for googling etc, we are not private about them. But I don't usually read his chats etc).

I've just looked through now and can see only a reference to them going to the club but nothing specific. And a borderline innappropriate chat with his younger PA about her hotel bedroom on a recent trip, but that's a separate issue...

From just his reaction I know something is up.

I honestly don't know what to ask him or what to do. Am I overreacting? I know for sure if he was going to a strip joint on a random Tuesday that would be a massive issue for our marriage. Is a stag do a free pass?

I would be more concerned about the PA tbh

The PA chat about her hotel room would bother me if anything.

I don’t think it’s a free pass, but I wouldn’t read anything into it. Stag dos do go to strip clubs, and ultimately that was his choice - you can’t decide his moral line for him, and you can’t assume it’s something he’d do in another situation, or that he did anything more than watched some strippers while getting shitfaced.

Obviously if you’d previously had extensive conversations about how you both detest strip clubs and then he went to one that would be different.

The PA is another matter, but look at that conversation with a clean eye.

You're no overreacting at all. You need to be reacting more to the PA! One alone is bad, the two together paint a grim picture of your husband.

If this had already been discussed with you beforehand and you had stated it was a no go then he is probably being defensive due to that as he knows it could lead to a potential argument? Stag do scenario pretty common, not saying it's right but I don't think I'd get overly concerned, do you trust him?
As others have said PA and bedroom more of an issue?

Wouldn’t bother me at all but it’s whether it bothers you that matters

I would be concerned if my husband was hanging about with friends who went to see strippers (even as a one off on a stag do) so YANBU.

I also don't like the sound of the PA chat

Wouldn’t bother me, but if you told him before that it wasn’t ok and he did it anyway, then I’d say it should probably bother you

I’d be more concerned about the borderline inappropriate chat with the PA.

Wouldn't bother me either.

PA would though

Agree with all of this!

Thanks all. I knew he fancies his PA already, but (1) he's moving jobs in a couple of weeks and (2) she's clearly been trying to put him off. I don't think it's something he's trying to act on, just flirtatious banter that he's clearly getting more out of. Ugh.

I've asked him now about both the strip club and the PA messages. PA - he said "she started it" which got short shrift and I told him it was inappropriate. The messages were about the size of the beds in the hotel room, more Alan Partridge than anything explicit. But still, not messages I would send with a male colleague/boss.

The strip club - he said he didn't get a dance and sat with the grooms brother talking about work most of the night... Which is plausible, apart from he previously gave me the run down of what he'd been up to for 3 days away and strip club wasn't mentioned at all, so clearly right now I don't trust a word he's saying.

He perhaps didn’t mention it because he knew you’d be upset.

I feel sorry for the young PA having a grimey, older, married man hounding her with messages and she's been trying to put him off. I imagine she's sick of having to go into the office and having your husband "harmlessly flirting" with her.

Here's a simple rule for him to get his head around: If he says anything to her he wouldn't say to 50 year old Dave in accounts, then it's inappropriate

Some people are bothered by this but I’m not

I 100% trust my dh. I know he wouldn’t cheat on me. If he wants to go and see a stripper, go for it it. Hell I would go with him!

He also watches porn and that doesn’t bother me either

What does ’PA’ mean? Who/what is that/mean?

But YANBU.
He lied, didn’t respect your boundary.
Who knows what else he has lied/will lie about?
Strip clubs are pathetic, men who go in those are pathetic.

You're not bothered that your DH is sexually harrassing his poor PA?

Along with that and going to a strip club, it sounds like he doesn't have a lot of respect for women, including you, his wife.

I'd be thinking long and hard if I was you.

Personal assistant I assume.

Are you married to the sex pest in the Inbetweeners?

Sexually harassed his PA and gets lapdnces. Would you date him?

Hey? That's 4 school boys?

said he didn't get a dance and sat with the grooms brother talking about work most of the night...

He really thinks you’re stupid, doesn’t he?
If nothing else, this level of disrespect is just….
He does sound awful all aroud. Sorry his your husband.

Yes. What's your question?

It’s not about trust.

It’s how men like this view women.
Suoer awesone you don’t care, but some of us actually do.

Imbetweeners is a guilty pleasure, Just that I can't remember a character with a PA?

Sorry misread, doing 3 things at once, get what u mean now.