DH went to a stripper on a stag do

[ToffeeForEveryone]

DH recently back from a stag do with close group of friends. We'd had a conversation beforehand that I didn't want him to go to a strip club/get a dance - almost jokily, because the "planned activities" were more like bowling and fancy brunch...

This evening he was showing me something from a group chat with the boys, and I saw that they had gone to a strip club. He reacted really extreme and tried to grab his phone back (for reference, we regularly look at each other's phones for googling etc, we are not private about them. But I don't usually read his chats etc).

I've just looked through now and can see only a reference to them going to the club but nothing specific. And a borderline innappropriate chat with his younger PA about her hotel bedroom on a recent trip, but that's a separate issue...

From just his reaction I know something is up.

I honestly don't know what to ask him or what to do. Am I overreacting? I know for sure if he was going to a strip joint on a random Tuesday that would be a massive issue for our marriage. Is a stag do a free pass?

Over reacting to a grown man going to strip club on a stag. You’re his wife, not mother

Over reacting about someone she counts as her equal, objectifying women and paying to take part in the degradation and commodification of women as nothing but body parts.

What a wonderful man she has there. Prince among men. Hopefully their daughter will grow up to have such a wonderful career where him and his mates can use them as wank fodder.

Just to clarify for those confused, dancers working in strip clubs are not prostitutes

Duh, thank for clarifying that.

But the sex industry all points to the same thing. Men getting their rocks off. Whether they're wanking to a video of a woman getting fucked in whatever orifice, or whether they're wanking to someone in a strip club getting their tits out cos they owe their pimp money. All fucking seedy.

Exactly. Misogyny, objectification, degrading women. Not nice.

The bar for men is on the fucking floor. It's underground.

Seriously pity any of you who think you should tolerate this nonsense just so you aren't (god forbid) single.

Yes I'd be more bothered by the PA conversation

Fundamentally, putting boundaries in place in a relationship is in a way exerting control over what someone else does though isn't it? in a healthy relationship it's perfectly natural and mutual, I would imagine most of the time both parties boundaries line up and it works perfectly well, but when they don't, as in this case, one of them has to toe the line or choose to lie about it, and if you find out you've got to decide how to react to that.

I'm not saying other women should be okay with it, what I am saying if you're not going to do anything about it if it does happen (as in OPs case), then what's the point setting that boundary in the first place, to what end? It's my opinion that you should choose the hill you're prepared to die on.. and mean it, otherwise what's the point trying to control someone else's actions if you're really not that bothered what they do anyway? It's a road to nowhere.

You're quite clear about yours and I'm in no doubt that if your partner did go against it you would follow through with ending the relationship, that's how it should be as long as you both agree. I've got clearly defined boundaries in my relationship too, this doesn't happen to be one of them, as I wouldn't be prepared to end a relationship over it, but there are plenty of things I would, lying being the biggest one, it's perfectly normal to have boundary's and each couple is different.

I've already said I'm not defending this twat, the lying (by omission or not) would be a deal breaker for me and don't even get me started on the PA bullshit.

I know right!