Page 4 | DH went to a stripper on a stag do

ToffeeForEveryone · 2023-06-03T19:07:42+00:00

DH recently back from a stag do with close group of friends. We'd had a conversation beforehand that I didn't want him to go to a strip club/get a dance - almost jokily, because the "planned activities" were more like bowling and fancy brunch... This evening he was showing me something from a group chat with the boys, and I saw that they had gone to a strip club. He reacted really extreme and tried to grab his phone back (for reference, we regularly look at each other's phones for googling etc, we are not private about them. But I don't usually read his chats etc). I've just looked through now and can see only a reference to them going to the club but nothing specific. --And a borderline innappropriate chat with his younger PA about her hotel bedroom on a recent trip, but that's a separate issue.--.. From just his reaction I know something is up. I honestly don't know what to ask him or what to do. Am I overreacting? I know for sure if he was going to a strip joint on a random Tuesday that would be a massive issue for our marriage. Is a stag do a free pass?

Shade17 · 04/06/2023 08:10

If I think of the very best men I know - the best fathers and husbands - not a single one of them would go to a strip club.

I think you might be surprised! How would you actually know? I’ve been in strip clubs on various stags and it’s quite eye opening to see the ones who are the most hardcore in terms of private dances etc.

ThisIsntMyUsualUsername · 04/06/2023 08:16

Yes. Him persisting is the issue. It's not the comment about the bed, it's where it went next.

But what I find odd is that the post was about the stag do not the PA

ThisIsntMyUsualUsername · 04/06/2023 08:20

Sorry that's in reply to Achwheesht

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 04/06/2023 08:25

Well he goes to strip clubs, harrassing women really isin’t that suprising to anyone, surely?
Goes hand in hand on how he views women.

Notamum12345577 · 04/06/2023 08:35

LadyJ2023 · 03/06/2023 21:36

It's all about boundaries I guess. Recently my other half went to my brothers stag do. He and one other left when the rest decided to change plan half way thru the night and go to a strip club because I was surprised when he came back home earlier than I thought he would. I asked why he didn't go and he said he respected me to much. I cant tell you how chuffed I was. He got some stick the next day for not going saying I must have told him not to go and he replied he had his own mind and he was not comfortable going and that I knew nothing about it till he got home early and that if he had known they were going he probably wouldn't have travelled all the way to the stag do 2 hours from our home. Personally if he had gone for me u would have been gutted and I'm so glad he didn't wheres others will think it's fine just like watching porn I guess lol

His reply when he got stick the next day should have been (if it was the groom giving him stick) ‘well your sister was so chuffed I banged her hard’. That would have stopped the stick he was getting 🤣

Original poster

ToffeeForEveryone · 04/06/2023 08:37

Thanks for the replies, just read through.

Mumsnet is wild, somehow according to some here DH is now sexually harrassing his PA, hounding her with messages and forcing her to leave her job? And apparently I'm blaming her somehow? All just projection.

She's not leaving the job, DH is. I think he's got a fancy for her because I can hear them talking when he's WFH, it's not some illicit flirting it's just the tone of his voice and the joking. I know she's putting him off because of the stories she tells him (talking about spots and other non-glamorous things!!). The text messages were related to a work trip she was on, he was not, they've only met in person a couple of times. But like I said, not a conversation I would have with a male colleague, so I've told him that was inappropriate territory. (And for the record, I'm comparing my behaviour to his here, not hers).

Thanks to the posters who actually replied about the thing I was asking for advice on. @KimberleyClark and @Puppers, that's it exactly - I also think decent men don't go to strippers, and I'm grossed out he did. And the fact we had talked about it before he went so he knew I didn't agree with it; and that he left it out when telling me what they did for the weekend. He's trying to argue now that he thought I'd be fine with it but the lying by omission blows that out of the water. He's still insisting he and the groom's brother didn't get a dance, but all the others did. I've told him I don't trust him or believe him as he's already lied about it.

Honestly, now I'm in two minds about even going to this wedding. The thought of sitting at a table with those men and their partners is grim.

OP posts:

Megifer · 04/06/2023 08:41

ToffeeForEveryone · 04/06/2023 08:37

Thanks for the replies, just read through.

Mumsnet is wild, somehow according to some here DH is now sexually harrassing his PA, hounding her with messages and forcing her to leave her job? And apparently I'm blaming her somehow? All just projection.

She's not leaving the job, DH is. I think he's got a fancy for her because I can hear them talking when he's WFH, it's not some illicit flirting it's just the tone of his voice and the joking. I know she's putting him off because of the stories she tells him (talking about spots and other non-glamorous things!!). The text messages were related to a work trip she was on, he was not, they've only met in person a couple of times. But like I said, not a conversation I would have with a male colleague, so I've told him that was inappropriate territory. (And for the record, I'm comparing my behaviour to his here, not hers).

Thanks to the posters who actually replied about the thing I was asking for advice on. @KimberleyClark and @Puppers, that's it exactly - I also think decent men don't go to strippers, and I'm grossed out he did. And the fact we had talked about it before he went so he knew I didn't agree with it; and that he left it out when telling me what they did for the weekend. He's trying to argue now that he thought I'd be fine with it but the lying by omission blows that out of the water. He's still insisting he and the groom's brother didn't get a dance, but all the others did. I've told him I don't trust him or believe him as he's already lied about it.

Honestly, now I'm in two minds about even going to this wedding. The thought of sitting at a table with those men and their partners is grim.

Id bring it up in conversation with the partners "urgh isn't it a bit grim and clichéd they went to a strip club and probably had private dances, boys will be boys though :::tinkley laugh::::"

Its no big deal right so they won't mind chatting about it.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 04/06/2023 08:41

He's still insisting he and the groom's brother didn't get a dance, but all the others did.

This is some type of male-bonding-bro’s before hoe’s- kind of thing.
Their supposed to say they did it, not me, and all of them say this to their partners, partners who are reliefed it not their partner and then look the other mens partners with sad eyes thinking if only they knew.

Megifer · 04/06/2023 08:44

Oh just spotted the DH and grooms brother didn't get a dance. That's the chinniest of reckons I've ever heard 😬

Next it will be "someone paid for us". So nice that most men who go to strip clubsand get caught out always have such generous friends.....

ThankmelaterOkay · 04/06/2023 08:53

@ToffeeForEveryone

“Honestly, now I'm in two minds about even going to this wedding. The thought of sitting at a table with those men and their partners is grim.”

Lol what? You are with one of these men and you are his partner?

Nordicrain · 04/06/2023 08:57

Your "D"H sounds charming - harrassing his younger PA and going to strip clubs. I'm pretty surprised you are so ok with the PA thing, you think that when he leaves it will all be over but what happens when the next young PA or receptionist or intern comes along? What if that one does fancy a pervy older married man? Your H clearly has some questionably boundaries.

Nordicrain · 04/06/2023 08:57

ThankmelaterOkay · 04/06/2023 08:53

@ToffeeForEveryone

“Honestly, now I'm in two minds about even going to this wedding. The thought of sitting at a table with those men and their partners is grim.”

Lol what? You are with one of these men and you are his partner?

Yeah agree. Do you feel "grim" sitting next to your husband every night? Not sure why these men, or their partners, are any grimmer than him.

Original poster

ToffeeForEveryone · 04/06/2023 09:12

I'm feeling uncomfortable about the wedding because I'd expect the bride/other wives have also been kept in the dark about the strip club and I don't want to be a party to keeping that secret.

And agree, chinniest of reckons that he and groom's brother sat talking and didn't participate. They're all covering for the others.

One of the stags is a well known serial cheat/all round POS but the others are generally thought of as "decent", so I'm just ICK about all of them now. They're all as bad as each other, DH included.

It's what a pp said, it's about what this says about how they view women. I don't want to have to make polite chit chat with the guy who was getting a lapdance whilst his wife was home with their twins, for example. UGH.

OP posts:

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 04/06/2023 09:14

Megifer · 04/06/2023 08:44

Oh just spotted the DH and grooms brother didn't get a dance. That's the chinniest of reckons I've ever heard 😬

Next it will be "someone paid for us". So nice that most men who go to strip clubsand get caught out always have such generous friends.....

And they only go because they were forced to, and it’s not about watching/ objectifying/ degrading women, they are there to talk and drink - that’s all. And they don’t even really enjoy it, maybe even find it slimy and sad.
😑🙄
Amazing how these clubs keep business…

IAAL · 04/06/2023 09:29

Mangogogogo · 03/06/2023 21:56

Strip club wouldn’t bother me (and I’m not a pick me girl- sorry people here can’t accept that others aren’t bothered) but the harassing the PA is gross and I’d be concerned about wider repercussions if she complains (which she should)

Same here.

Cherryblossoms85 · 04/06/2023 09:36

The strip club itself doesn't matter. Him trying to hide it does. And whether his PA has reciprocated in this particular situation is irrelevant. There will be another situation. He is not going to remain faithful. I would be going to marriage counseling in your situation.

thepainteddog · 04/06/2023 09:47

He's already lied. Now you're expected to believe they all got dances but he didn't? Bollocks. I wouldn't go to the wedding either.

sandyhappypeople · 04/06/2023 09:53

Riverlee · 03/06/2023 20:51

He perhaps didn’t mention it because he knew you’d be upset.

But this is the problem isn’t it, if you put a ‘boundary’ in place and try to control someone else’s actions, they are naturally going to lie about it so they don’t want to upset you get into trouble.

what was he meant to do, stand outside when everyone else wants to go in? If you want complete honesty in a relationship, you need to choose what hill you’re prepared to die on.. don’t put silly boundary’s like this in place, because once they start lying about this silly stuff it will escalate to more serious stuff and they’ll treat it the same “I got away with it before, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her”

unless this sort of thing would really bother you so much that it would change your relationship, admittedly everyone is different.

I wouldn’t care a jot if my DH went to see strippers/get a dance on a stag do, as long as they were honest about it.. honesty is far more important to me then if my bloke has seen a pair of tits or not. Besides, how is it any different to a group of women going to see male strippers?! It reeks of double standards.

if I found out my DH was texting his PA that he fancies outside of work I’d be VERY unhappy, that is NOT the actions of someone who cares about you. Do not let the strippers thing muddy the water here.

thepainteddog · 04/06/2023 09:54

I don't get why women OK with porn, strippers etc try to convince women who aren't to accept it and vice versa women who try to convince women OK with it to be bothered by it. Leave yourselves out of it. We know OP's not OK with it so her husband has lied. Respond to that.

ThePorchSwingCrowd · 04/06/2023 10:12

The upcoming wedding really isn’t the issue, it’s who your husband is that is the problem.

He acts inappropriately to women at work (probably outside of work too), he lies to you, he objectifies women, is ok with women being used in the sex industry and his friends are all the same. He doesn’t respect you or women in general. This is who he is.

You have to decide whether being with someone like that is something you’re ok with. I wouldn’t be.

StemStem · 04/06/2023 10:14

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CountZacular · 04/06/2023 10:19

But this is the problem isn’t it, if you put a ‘boundary’ in place and try to control someone else’s actions, they are naturally going to lie about it so they don’t want to upset you get into trouble.

So that would apply the exact same way for cheating then?

If a person in a grown up relationship doesn’t like a particular boundary then they use their words and say so. For example, if my husband didn’t like alcohol for whatever reason I wouldn’t just go out with friends, have a few drinks and lie about it. I’d discuss like an adult - either I’m not happy with that boundary (and we split or he accepts that I will continue to make that choice to drink) or I stop drinking because I agree it’s fine.

If you want complete honesty in a relationship, you need to choose what hill you’re prepared to die on.. don’t put silly boundary’s like this in place,

Just no. You might consider it silly but many relationships set their own boundaries and that’s fine. To then excuse further shitty behaviour (lying) is ridiculous.

IHateLegDay · 04/06/2023 10:21

The fact that he tried to desperately get his phone away from you shows that he's hiding something.
I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 04/06/2023 10:22

sandyhappypeople · 04/06/2023 09:53

But this is the problem isn’t it, if you put a ‘boundary’ in place and try to control someone else’s actions, they are naturally going to lie about it so they don’t want to upset you get into trouble.

what was he meant to do, stand outside when everyone else wants to go in? If you want complete honesty in a relationship, you need to choose what hill you’re prepared to die on.. don’t put silly boundary’s like this in place, because once they start lying about this silly stuff it will escalate to more serious stuff and they’ll treat it the same “I got away with it before, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her”

unless this sort of thing would really bother you so much that it would change your relationship, admittedly everyone is different.

I wouldn’t care a jot if my DH went to see strippers/get a dance on a stag do, as long as they were honest about it.. honesty is far more important to me then if my bloke has seen a pair of tits or not. Besides, how is it any different to a group of women going to see male strippers?! It reeks of double standards.

if I found out my DH was texting his PA that he fancies outside of work I’d be VERY unhappy, that is NOT the actions of someone who cares about you. Do not let the strippers thing muddy the water here.

Show quote history

But it’s not a silly boundary.
Just because you don’t care w
about girls/women and are okey with dating a creepy man, doesn’t mean that all women should have as low standards as you.
So it’s not a ’silly boundary’.

CountZacular · 04/06/2023 10:22

what was he meant to do, stand outside when everyone else wants to go in?

Also this bothers me. If a man supposedly didn’t want to go but all his friends were, you’d advocate for peer pressure? Does that apply to a line of coke or going to a brothel too? Is he not able to just say ‘nah, not interested’ and go home/ to another pub?

It gives off real Peter Pettigrew vibes of a weak man hanging around his friends and just going along with stuff because they don’t have their own backbone. Very unattractive.