DH went to a stripper on a stag do

[ToffeeForEveryone]

DH recently back from a stag do with close group of friends. We'd had a conversation beforehand that I didn't want him to go to a strip club/get a dance - almost jokily, because the "planned activities" were more like bowling and fancy brunch...

This evening he was showing me something from a group chat with the boys, and I saw that they had gone to a strip club. He reacted really extreme and tried to grab his phone back (for reference, we regularly look at each other's phones for googling etc, we are not private about them. But I don't usually read his chats etc).

I've just looked through now and can see only a reference to them going to the club but nothing specific. And a borderline innappropriate chat with his younger PA about her hotel bedroom on a recent trip, but that's a separate issue...

From just his reaction I know something is up.

I honestly don't know what to ask him or what to do. Am I overreacting? I know for sure if he was going to a strip joint on a random Tuesday that would be a massive issue for our marriage. Is a stag do a free pass?

This 100%.

If I think of the very best men I know - the best fathers and husbands - not a single one of them would go to a strip club.

No and they don't sleaze on an employee who reports to them either.

I'd be as concerned about him thinking it ok to send emails with sexual innuendo to his PA (like he is thick as well as nasty) as the almost certainty that he had a lap dance at a strip club.

But still, not messages I would send with a male colleague/boss.

Nice twist to make it her fault there.

And the only thing stopping him having an affair with her is that she has said no.

What about the gorgeous young think at his next work? Or in the bar? Or at the supermarket....

Of course you aren't bothered. You're in a throuple so it's a bit different to ops relationship.

A creepy older man horning after his poor young PA, is not one who’ll tell the truth about getting a private dance at a strip club. He’s dropping you the bare minimum he’ll get away with.

Of course he had a dance. Or several.

Oh really? 😆 yeah. Wildly different.

The strip club itself wouldn't bother me too much on a stag night, it isn't unusual and is more of a dare for most of the men. DH has been when on stag nights before we met. Back in the day they had longer licensing hours so they could keep drinking.

But I would definitely be concerned about the PA. How awful for her to have to subtly rebuff her boss.

He fancies his PA… and you know this so why are you with someone so fancies someone else?

You sound resigned to him fancying his PA.

Is this something he's talked about or have you inferred it from the text?

It doesn't sound like he inspires trust.

I knew he fancies his PA already, but (1) he's moving jobs in a couple of weeks and (2) she's clearly been trying to put him off. I don't think it's something he's trying to act on, just flirtatious banter that he's clearly getting more out of. Ugh.

Ew, this bit is far worse- I am sure him being a pest was a factor in her leaving. I had a boss like this and it was really horrible and really hard because I kept saying I was uncomfortable but he knew as he was the boss I was limited in what I could do. The fact he'd presumably want to have an affair if she was game is much worse than going to a strip club!

Strip club on stag weekend wouldn’t bother me
PA thing would concern me very much

100 cool girl points for you.

I’d be worried about him fancying his PA. Why does she feel the need to actively put him off?

Stip club wouldn’t bother me. I actually went to a 50th bday party once and there was a surprise male stripper there. This was before I met DH but i think he’d find it funny more than anything. Strippers also don’t do anything for me. It was cringey more than anything.

The PA part is much worse.
The fact that she tries to put him off surely means he is harassing her.
What if she wasn’t trying to put him off and was interested in him? Would he just cheat?

Just keep in mind op that he probably got a private dance involving, at the very least, tits n bits being dangled in his face. Likely a wank or BJ was involved if he did (despite protestations that these are respectable places and no touching allowed - can't believe people still think that).

And he's a sleaze with his PA too. Men like that have either already cheated or just waiting for the opportunity.

I have no issue with my husband going to a strip joint on a stag do if that’s what the group are doing , I wouldn’t expect him to just leave the group and go home, my only caveat would be no lap dances and a reputable place where the women work through choice and no touching.

I really don’t get the issue about it, men have been going to strip clubs for ever, and there are many reputable places where rhe women are there through choice and earn a small fortune.

id be more concerned that he was sleazing on his poor pa. No wonder she’s leaving. No one deserves that in the work place. She deserves to be treated with respect. And not sleazed on by her boss.

I’d be fucking furious and not wish to be with a sleazebag like that,. You just seem more focused on if she’s up for it or not.

I'm amazed you're cool with buying into the objectification and purchasing of women's bodies and supporting the sex trafficking trade.
How many strippers and sex workers do you think are doing this willingly and keeping all the money for themselves?

I wonder what he would do if the woman at work complained to HR about his behaviour? Does he realise she would have every right to do that? Hasn't he been following the Phillip Schofield case?

I think strip clubs are disgusting and degrading to women, and that's the reason I'd not be happy if my dh went to one. But if he's on a stag do I'd also not expect him to sit outside and wait, as long as he doesn't go and have a private dance I'd be ok with it.

As for 'she started it' regarding then pa, that's a bullshit excuse, he should have shut her down straight away, he's married to you, his pa isn't.

Tbh he sounds like a twat, happy to omit the truth and flirt with other women - not a prize catch by any stretch

Interested to read your view point on this. Isn't the point that a man taking himself off to see strippers or have lap dances would much prefer the young woman with the perfect body, rather than our old 50-something bodies. Doesn't that give a clear signal that they are only with us as they can't get the 25 yr old, and would drop us like a hat if they had the chance? Our bodies and relationships with them are surely 'second best' and that's quite a rubbish feeling as an older woman. Almost makes you think 'I'd rather just be single, thanks', no?

It's also true that using prostitutes is only one small step further than having a lap dance, is as easy to access these days as a takeaway from deliveroo, and definitely something to consider as a possibility?

@ToffeeForEveryone you haven came back to this thread to elaborate on why your not conserved about your husband harassing a woman he works with. Why????

DH has been to a few clubs on stag dos. Not an issue and he always tells me which is why I don't think it's an issue. I also know he's tight and wouldn't pay for a private dance.
The PA. Yep. I'd have a problem with that I think but the important thing (if he hasn't done anything) is that he nips it in the bud.
I've had conversations/jokes/banter with male colleagues that you know are at risk of going the wrong way and you bring it back. You don't stray to the inappropriate. So what matters isn't one comment about the bed, it's where it did or didn't go next.