DH went to a stripper on a stag do

[ToffeeForEveryone]

DH recently back from a stag do with close group of friends. We'd had a conversation beforehand that I didn't want him to go to a strip club/get a dance - almost jokily, because the "planned activities" were more like bowling and fancy brunch...

This evening he was showing me something from a group chat with the boys, and I saw that they had gone to a strip club. He reacted really extreme and tried to grab his phone back (for reference, we regularly look at each other's phones for googling etc, we are not private about them. But I don't usually read his chats etc).

I've just looked through now and can see only a reference to them going to the club but nothing specific. And a borderline innappropriate chat with his younger PA about her hotel bedroom on a recent trip, but that's a separate issue...

From just his reaction I know something is up.

I honestly don't know what to ask him or what to do. Am I overreacting? I know for sure if he was going to a strip joint on a random Tuesday that would be a massive issue for our marriage. Is a stag do a free pass?

None of them have a PA. The likeness is that the sex pest character as an adult 100% would have gotten lapdances, asked about bedroom setups and said stuff like "she started it".

No worries! It's a Saturday, hope you get a break soon! X

100 points to @Soubriquet for spectacularly missing the point.

He sounds like a misogynist, unprofessional, voyeuristic prick. Why on Earth are you overlooking how deeply unprofessional he is being with a woman in the work place, no woman should be having to "put a man off" in the work place, she should be free to work without a creep like him. Give your head a wobble and see him for the arsehole he is, don't stay with him and condone his actions. Strippers are pretty much moot by this point.

@ToffeeForEveryone As your conversation was just joking about (bowling & brunch, strip club seems unlikely!) if you've never made it clear you wouldn't want him to go to a strip club & he agreed he wouldn't, I wouldn't be too bothered about that. When I was young it would have upset me, but I made that crystal clear!

it's socially very difficult to be the only bloke who says 'no' to the strip club on a stag-do, I don't blame him for going. I'd toss him out if he had a lap dance though.

these days (at 53) anyone I'm with has seen more bits & pieces & certainly younger thinner, fitter bodies than mine us now, so they're with me because they want to be & seeing some younger more toned bodies isn't going to change that, they know what's 'out there' if that's what they want

BUT they're not stupid enough to think I'd be ok with Lap dances & the like. They also know I have options 'out there' that aren't them, so they make a choice.

A but of banter is fine with me, but if he was seriously chatting up his PA (whether he's leaving this job or not) he would be told to fuck off, I currently have a FEB situation, but we're exclusive and even he would be told to Fuck Off if he was chatting up his PA.

only you can draw the line in your sand!!

Thanks all. I knew he fancies his PA already, but (1) he's moving jobs in a couple of weeks and (2) she's clearly been trying to put him off.

So despite her making it clear she’s not interested he’s still persisted!!!!

And you’re more bothered about him going to a strip club that inappropriate messages to a work colleague. What is wrong with you? You need to get your priorities straight.

Who is your husband? Philip Schofield??

Good God. I’m surprised your giving the strip club a second thought after his messages to his PA, how heartbreaking.

It's all about boundaries I guess. Recently my other half went to my brothers stag do. He and one other left when the rest decided to change plan half way thru the night and go to a strip club because I was surprised when he came back home earlier than I thought he would. I asked why he didn't go and he said he respected me to much. I cant tell you how chuffed I was. He got some stick the next day for not going saying I must have told him not to go and he replied he had his own mind and he was not comfortable going and that I knew nothing about it till he got home early and that if he had known they were going he probably wouldn't have travelled all the way to the stag do 2 hours from our home. Personally if he had gone for me u would have been gutted and I'm so glad he didn't wheres others will think it's fine just like watching porn I guess lol

Exactly this, I can't even describe the level of ick men like this give me, it's proper, visceral disgust.

he said he respected me to much.

😂

Wouldn’t care about any strippers but the PA thing might bother me.

TBH, even needing a PA at the moment - much less having a conversation with her about her bedroom - is very unusual indeed. Very few people like CEOs have them.

I say this as nicely as possible... What on earth is wrong with you? You act as though your husband harassing his PA, repeatedly, is no big deal because he's switching jobs? You're more concerned about some stupid strip club than the fact that your husband inappropriate with a colleague. FFS.

You have big, big problems.

Strip club wouldn’t bother me (and I’m not a pick me girl- sorry people here can’t accept that others aren’t bothered) but the harassing the PA is gross and I’d be concerned about wider repercussions if she complains (which she should)

So the only thing stopping your husband cheating on you has been another women's integrity/ strength to stand up to workplace sexual harassment.

So if something happens I can only assume you'll blame her for taking him up on the offer, rather than your husbands appalling behaviour.

It shouldn't be up to single women to police married men's behaviour. Surely you know this.

And yes, strip club would be instant deal-breaker for me. (I've made that abundantly clear anyway, but anyone beyond early twenties doing that shit seriously gives me the ick)

And yes, early twenties shouldn't be doing it either but I'd be a bit more accepting of the peer pressure/not aware of exploitation element.

Yeurrgghhh. Eww.

Strip club on a stag wouldn't worry me. I've been to hen parties that had male strippers, not my thing at all but I just go along with it for the sake of the organiser and the bride to be. It really comes down to who is organising the event.

The PA thing sounds weird but there's not enough context to know what a borderline inappropriate chat involves.

Sorry I missed your second post.

Ugh. Sorry but your husband does sound creepy/inappropriate from what you've said here. I can only imagine how uncomfortable that is for the poor PA.

@ToffeeForEveryone this isn't serious right? If it is, get some self respect

It would be a line crossed for me.

Why would you want to celebrate spending the rest of your life with someone by letting a naked/ semi naked woman grind her genitals against you while you get turned on and hard. Makes 0 sense. Just because you pay for it, doesn't mean you aren't sharing an intimate sexual moment with a woman who isn't your wife.

A partner going to a strip club on a stag do wouldn't bother me - but for me, getting a private dance would be crossing a line.

We all have our lines, and OP, if yours is even going to the strip club in the first place and your DH knew that (which he did), that's a problem.

The PA is also a massive problem. You seem to be excusing his intent to cheat on you just because the poor girl isn't interested. It's still not OK. (Actually, in a way, it's worse because his behaviour towards her is not consensual.)

I don't understand why this is funny?

If my husband had treated a PA this way then that would be all i need to know to walk about the door. He's a disrespectful creep and I'm sure plenty went on at the club he's not telling you too.

Oh give over, it isn’t hard for men to not go to a strip club 😂. Is it also hard for them not to sleep with prostitutes or take cocaine or any other grim stag do activities if everyone else is too?

DH said he didn’t want to on a stag weekend when it came up in the group chat, and in the end 3 other men also said they would rather give it a miss. They went for beers while the others went and objectified women for a couple of hours, the they all met up again. No-one was mean to the men who said it wasn’t their cup of tea.

OP you DH sounds sleazy, I am so sorry. What do you think you will do?

Decent men don't go to strip clubs.