Page 5 | DH went to a stripper on a stag do

ToffeeForEveryone · 2023-06-03T19:07:42+00:00

DH recently back from a stag do with close group of friends. We'd had a conversation beforehand that I didn't want him to go to a strip club/get a dance - almost jokily, because the "planned activities" were more like bowling and fancy brunch... This evening he was showing me something from a group chat with the boys, and I saw that they had gone to a strip club. He reacted really extreme and tried to grab his phone back (for reference, we regularly look at each other's phones for googling etc, we are not private about them. But I don't usually read his chats etc). I've just looked through now and can see only a reference to them going to the club but nothing specific. --And a borderline innappropriate chat with his younger PA about her hotel bedroom on a recent trip, but that's a separate issue.--.. From just his reaction I know something is up. I honestly don't know what to ask him or what to do. Am I overreacting? I know for sure if he was going to a strip joint on a random Tuesday that would be a massive issue for our marriage. Is a stag do a free pass?

redfacebigdisgrace · 04/06/2023 10:25

The inappropriate banter with the PA is the issue. Yuck.

redfacebigdisgrace · 04/06/2023 10:26

And I should say “banter” because I bet she thinks he’s a pervy old man.

newjobnewstartihope · 04/06/2023 10:27

You're married to a sleaze. Next thing is to decide whether you want to be

orangegato · 04/06/2023 10:27

I’d not be arsed, what’s he supposed to do, wait outside l?

FelisCatus0 · 04/06/2023 10:29

No, a stag do is not a free pass. He's a germ and a cheat. He knowingly lied to you, because he KNEW you would not be ok with it. Any man that organises a strip club trip is scum imo and I feel the same way about any man who would willingly go there. Even worse, is the man who knows it's been organised LIES to his wife about 'bowling' (PMSL yeah right!), attends, (gets a lap dance but lies that he didn't when all others there did), and then comes back and lies, still. That he knowingly attended, imo makes him scum, let alone lied to you over and over. This would be a marriage breaker imo. I would at least ask him to leave for a while.

FiddleLeaf · 04/06/2023 10:30

Over reacting to a grown man going to strip club on a stag. You’re his wife, not mother.

The PA thing… yikes. It doesn’t matter if he’s leaves the job. Aren’t you bothered about it?

FelisCatus0 · 04/06/2023 10:31

orangegato · 04/06/2023 10:27

I’d not be arsed, what’s he supposed to do, wait outside l?

How about not go in the first place, if he KNEW it was being arranged and let the groomer and arrangers know why. And, not lie to his wife.

How about that?

That's what he, as a decent specimen of a human being, is supposed to do.

Gettingbysomehow · 04/06/2023 10:31

Men are incredibly easily led. If their mates are doing it there is no way they will stay back at the hotel and not go. He' be teased possibly bullied about being hen pecked. I dislike stags for this reason.

Megifer · 04/06/2023 10:40

CountZacular · 04/06/2023 10:22

what was he meant to do, stand outside when everyone else wants to go in?

Also this bothers me. If a man supposedly didn’t want to go but all his friends were, you’d advocate for peer pressure? Does that apply to a line of coke or going to a brothel too? Is he not able to just say ‘nah, not interested’ and go home/ to another pub?

It gives off real Peter Pettigrew vibes of a weak man hanging around his friends and just going along with stuff because they don’t have their own backbone. Very unattractive.

Funny thing is this is what we say to primary age kids to point out how daft they are being "and if your friends jumped off a cliff would you do the same?"

I couldn't be with a man so weak and pathetic he couldn't just say "no ta, its not for me".

sandyhappypeople · 04/06/2023 10:44

CountZacular · 04/06/2023 10:19

But this is the problem isn’t it, if you put a ‘boundary’ in place and try to control someone else’s actions, they are naturally going to lie about it so they don’t want to upset you get into trouble.

So that would apply the exact same way for cheating then?

If a person in a grown up relationship doesn’t like a particular boundary then they use their words and say so. For example, if my husband didn’t like alcohol for whatever reason I wouldn’t just go out with friends, have a few drinks and lie about it. I’d discuss like an adult - either I’m not happy with that boundary (and we split or he accepts that I will continue to make that choice to drink) or I stop drinking because I agree it’s fine.

If you want complete honesty in a relationship, you need to choose what hill you’re prepared to die on.. don’t put silly boundary’s like this in place,

Just no. You might consider it silly but many relationships set their own boundaries and that’s fine. To then excuse further shitty behaviour (lying) is ridiculous.

I’ve not excused lying, you’ve not read my post correctly, I detest lying in all forms, that’s not what I said.

My point is she’s accepted he’s gone to a strip club and is continuing the relationship as before so it’s not a ‘hill to die on’, so either set that boundary before going on a stag do, in which case that would be relationship ending, especially coupled with the lying or say you’d be okay with it.

comparing it to cheating is ludicrous, are women who see male strippers cheating.. no, didn’t think so.

it’s horses for courses though, only the two people in the relationship can say what their own boundary’s are, and what’s acceptable, it’s about respect for each other more than anything.

Naunet · 04/06/2023 10:45

Soubriquet · 03/06/2023 20:53

Some people are bothered by this but I’m not

I 100% trust my dh. I know he wouldn’t cheat on me. If he wants to go and see a stripper, go for it it. Hell I would go with him!

He also watches porn and that doesn’t bother me either

Wow, you’re so cool. I wonder if your husband would be as cool as you if whilst he was away throwing money at strippers, you had a guy come round and strip naked for your entertainment? Would he trust that you only looked?

sandyhappypeople · 04/06/2023 10:49

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 04/06/2023 10:22

But it’s not a silly boundary.
Just because you don’t care w
about girls/women and are okey with dating a creepy man, doesn’t mean that all women should have as low standards as you.
So it’s not a ’silly boundary’.

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Fair enough, I do see that as a silly boundary, but I also said not everyone views it as that.

but in your reply you’re saying every man who ever went in a strip place is creepy.. is every woman who ever went to see male strippers creepy?

Naunet · 04/06/2023 10:50

sandyhappypeople · 04/06/2023 10:44

I’ve not excused lying, you’ve not read my post correctly, I detest lying in all forms, that’s not what I said.

My point is she’s accepted he’s gone to a strip club and is continuing the relationship as before so it’s not a ‘hill to die on’, so either set that boundary before going on a stag do, in which case that would be relationship ending, especially coupled with the lying or say you’d be okay with it.

comparing it to cheating is ludicrous, are women who see male strippers cheating.. no, didn’t think so.

it’s horses for courses though, only the two people in the relationship can say what their own boundary’s are, and what’s acceptable, it’s about respect for each other more than anything.

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It’s not ludicrous at all. If he invited a woman to your house and had her undress and dance naked for him, I bet you’d consider it cheating. For some, money changing hands doesn’t make it any different.

sandyhappypeople · 04/06/2023 11:00

CountZacular · 04/06/2023 10:22

what was he meant to do, stand outside when everyone else wants to go in?

Also this bothers me. If a man supposedly didn’t want to go but all his friends were, you’d advocate for peer pressure? Does that apply to a line of coke or going to a brothel too? Is he not able to just say ‘nah, not interested’ and go home/ to another pub?

It gives off real Peter Pettigrew vibes of a weak man hanging around his friends and just going along with stuff because they don’t have their own backbone. Very unattractive.

But the difference here is that OPs partner DID want to go..

it’s nothing to do with peer pressure?

If they didn’t want to go but felt they had to as part of the group, they’d have gone in and sat at the bar, but my point is they would have told their partner all about what had what had happened because that’s what decent partners do, not lied by omission.

or they could have done something else entirely and reaped the rewards of that!

it’s best to have this conversation before a 3 day stag weekend ideally.

sandyhappypeople · 04/06/2023 11:05

Naunet · 04/06/2023 10:50

It’s not ludicrous at all. If he invited a woman to your house and had her undress and dance naked for him, I bet you’d consider it cheating. For some, money changing hands doesn’t make it any different.

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Depends, on his own or as part of a party? Women have male strippers attend their parties all the time, they’re not cheating, my sister had one on her 16th birthday!

on his own, yes that would be weird, I don’t think anyone would disagree with that.

but I’m not sure on your point?

if you don’t agree with strippers or people enjoying strippers that’s fine, but not everyone is the same?

Naunet · 04/06/2023 11:14

sandyhappypeople · 04/06/2023 11:05

Depends, on his own or as part of a party? Women have male strippers attend their parties all the time, they’re not cheating, my sister had one on her 16th birthday!

on his own, yes that would be weird, I don’t think anyone would disagree with that.

but I’m not sure on your point?

if you don’t agree with strippers or people enjoying strippers that’s fine, but not everyone is the same?

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You don’t understand my point, that for some people it would be cheating? What part are you unable to understand?

ThinkOfLove · 04/06/2023 11:14

Your know your husband is a sleazy bastard OP. It’s up to you what you do with that information. Personally I’d have to end the relationship. He lies to you, doesn’t respect you and has a terrible view of women in general. You deserve better.

Snickers94 · 04/06/2023 11:19

I think him trying to hide it would really bother me. Also wouldn't like him going to a strip club anyway.

FelisCatus0 · 04/06/2023 11:28

sandyhappypeople · 04/06/2023 11:05

Depends, on his own or as part of a party? Women have male strippers attend their parties all the time, they’re not cheating, my sister had one on her 16th birthday!

on his own, yes that would be weird, I don’t think anyone would disagree with that.

but I’m not sure on your point?

if you don’t agree with strippers or people enjoying strippers that’s fine, but not everyone is the same?

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Women rarely ever have strippers, very, very, very rarely. I'm not sure what social circles you move in, but it's mostly unheard of. Considering your sister had a stripper (who organised it? Her parents?) at 16 (which I thought would be illegal because she's not 18+) suggests to me that there is a, erm, 'upbringing' that is sleazy, neglectful and dysfunctional. Unfortunately children who grow up like this don't realise it is simply not normal and not how 99.99999499% of the population are raised. Even for the women who LEGALLY have strippers, the power differential of how women are viewed by men vs men by women is quite different. They cannot be compared.

SuperbSummer2023 · 04/06/2023 11:29

rolvus · 04/06/2023 07:57

Interested to read your view point on this. Isn't the point that a man taking himself off to see strippers or have lap dances would much prefer the young woman with the perfect body, rather than our old 50-something bodies. Doesn't that give a clear signal that they are only with us as they can't get the 25 yr old, and would drop us like a hat if they had the chance? Our bodies and relationships with them are surely 'second best' and that's quite a rubbish feeling as an older woman. Almost makes you think 'I'd rather just be single, thanks', no?

It's also true that using prostitutes is only one small step further than having a lap dance, is as easy to access these days as a takeaway from deliveroo, and definitely something to consider as a possibility?

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@rolvus

i see where you're coming from, but that's not my view.

I don't see going to a strip club as part of a stag party as 'taking himself off to see strippers', for ME, it would be different if he was going by himself or arranging nights out to go. Not wanting to be the party pooper on a stag party I see differently.

current bloke could easily 'get' younger women, but he wants the relationship we have. One where we support each other & have a lot in common plus a similar 'past' as far as concerts/TV & other stuff.

I'm sure if he could wave a magic wand he'd magic me up a newer younger body, but so would I!!

In my younger years, I felt a few blokes were with me for my body, not because we were in other ways a good fit. To be honest, that was worse.

He knows how I feel about lap dances, other women & prostitutes. He knows 100% it would be the end of us. No apology/excuse/whatever would change my mind in that.

too many laps on the track for any of that BS these days.

.

FelisCatus0 · 04/06/2023 11:29

In fact, I'm pretty sure having a stripper at a 16 old's party would be referred to social services.

Greycloudlooming · 04/06/2023 11:37

A male stripper at a 16year old’s birthday party is perhaps the most fucking grim thing I’ve ever read on mumsnet.
My daughter is 16. I just can not even comprehend this.

monsteramunch · 04/06/2023 11:44

Who the fuck booked a stripper for your sister's sixteenth birthday party @sandyhappypeople?

Because that is seriously, seriously unusual behaviour. To say the least.

Megifer · 04/06/2023 11:55

Imagine using a 16 year old getting a stripper as a way to prove a point that its ok 😂😂😂😂

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 04/06/2023 12:15

sandyhappypeople · 04/06/2023 10:49

Fair enough, I do see that as a silly boundary, but I also said not everyone views it as that.

but in your reply you’re saying every man who ever went in a strip place is creepy.. is every woman who ever went to see male strippers creepy?

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This is the most boring gotcha imaginable.
But, yeah sure, they are just as creepy.
But let’s ignore the long history of misogyny and all that.
Personally, I’d say women who go into these regular strip clubs and watch women being degraded are the real creepy one’s.
And problematic.