DH went to a stripper on a stag do

[ToffeeForEveryone]

DH recently back from a stag do with close group of friends. We'd had a conversation beforehand that I didn't want him to go to a strip club/get a dance - almost jokily, because the "planned activities" were more like bowling and fancy brunch...

This evening he was showing me something from a group chat with the boys, and I saw that they had gone to a strip club. He reacted really extreme and tried to grab his phone back (for reference, we regularly look at each other's phones for googling etc, we are not private about them. But I don't usually read his chats etc).

I've just looked through now and can see only a reference to them going to the club but nothing specific. And a borderline innappropriate chat with his younger PA about her hotel bedroom on a recent trip, but that's a separate issue...

From just his reaction I know something is up.

I honestly don't know what to ask him or what to do. Am I overreacting? I know for sure if he was going to a strip joint on a random Tuesday that would be a massive issue for our marriage. Is a stag do a free pass?

I'm old, don't agree a stripper at a 16 yr old girl's party is normal. Back in the dark ages of the 80s fuelled by reported shenanigans in the City strippergrams became the norm at leaving do's - and I worked for a bank ! Heaven knows what happened at other places.

Not creepy, cringy yes.

I think the bigger question is: how many of said women got a “private dance”, or paid to fuck the bloke?

Just to clarify for those confused, dancers working in strip clubs are not prostitutes.

Happy to help.

Only a step below, giving lap dances and 'other things' for cash.

It really isn’t. I think you’re believing too many gritty drama tv shows.

These are women making a large sum on the back of these stag dos. Good on them.

All grim but the PA thing would really bother me too. You're defending him by saying she wouldn't be interested anyway and he's leaving, so it's just circumstances preventing him from going further?
What if she had been interested?
He should be fully invested in you.

It really is, and if you don't think so you've clearly never seen what goes on in these places.

Prostitutes can make a lot of money selling their body, too. So what? That doesn't make it right. Both prostitution and strip clubs are misogynist, exploitive and seedy. They are basically both the same and anyone with any actual real world experience will tell you this.

They must feel very empowered.

Why don’t all women become strippers? Sounds like a great gig. What’s the pension like?

Cant help wondering if these men who love going to these strip clubs so much would be ok with their wives/girlfriends working in one.

They must feel very empowered.

Why don’t all women become strippers? Sounds like a great gig. What’s the pension like?

Quite.

Sounds like that weirdo from the sex board who tells us how ‘sex workers are empowered’ has found his way over here. Ffs.

Absolutely. We all know they would never want or allow them to work in one. Or their daughter.

Ah misread and thought she was leaving the job, I imagine she's excitedly counting down the days until he's gone, imagine having to talk about spots or whatever to try and stop a male colleague being inappropriate.

Not sure of why the wedding would make you uncomfortable when your DH likely did the same as the rest of them yet you evidently are sticking up for him so won't see it as a huge issue?

But I do understand your point? For some that IS considered cheating, I haven’t disputed that, I did say everyone has different boundaries in their relationship, that is what I meant, it’s not right or wrong it’s what’s mutually acceptable.

but does the OP consider it cheating or does she just disapprove? If she considered it cheating surely she’d have ended the relationship.. I would if someone cheated on me, but I wouldn’t label something like this as cheating for that reason, it’s lads messing about on a stag night, but that is my opinion, I’m not stating it as fact. I have my own lines in the sand.

I’m not sticking up for the OPs partner by the way, he seems a right twat, the lying by omission and texting his PA would have seen him out the door already for me.

Stop clutching your pearls, it was a stag do and crap like that can happen. If you trust your husband then it’s tacky and crude behaviour but not going to threaten your future.

It seems to me there’s other stuff in your relationship that needs sorting like the lying and PA.

It was in the late 80's in fairness, I could be wrong and it could have even been her 18th, but I always thought it was for her sixteenth. All seemed perfectly normal to be fair, everyone had a great time, I think back then strippergrams were more of a common thing. You heard about them for all sorts of parties, this was the only one I knew of in person though and you don't hear of private strippers at all anymore.

Strip clubs and shows like Dreamboys seemed to have taken over from your bog standard strippergrams, probably for safety's sake.

I'd definitely stick to the version where she's not a minor if you do tell people about that IRL.

He couldn't not go because his wife said no. Going but not having a dance is a decent compromise on his part. PA thing far more worrying.

"He couldn't not go because his wife said no"

And a woman doesnt have to not take a job in a strip club cos her strip club attending "D" H says no.

Poor PA. Hope they complain.

The stag /strip wouldn’t bother me, I can see it would bother you though. The two situations paint a grubby pic of your DH.

Just because you're ok with it doesn't mean other women should be! It's not controlling to have boundaries, fucking hell! This is absolutely a hill I would die on! I've been very clear about how I feel about strip clubs, and that they're a deal breaker for me. If my DH chose to go then I'd see it as him wanting out of the relationship. If he then lied about it, even worse! This guy just wants to have his cake and eat it.

Just because you massively underreact doesn't mean other women are overreacting.

And?

And I've got a bridge to sell you.

Ewww he sounds disgusting