To say I was genuinely happier before I have children

[Licinada]

All I ever wanted in life was to be a Mum. I was so excited when I got pregnant.
I have one child and expecting another in September.
My Husband wanted children too. After the first I was hesitant to have another but thought it best they had a sibling for company. I will have no more after this one.

Now I am not a stressed out depressed Mum. My life is fine as it is. My Husband is amazing.

BUT I have to admit. I was happier before I had children. I am sure for most while they’d say parenting can be hard the benefits outweigh the negatives or hard times.
But for me if I’d actually known what was involved in parenting I’d have remained childfree and chosen a life partner who also didn’t want children. I quite admire people who know they don’t want children so don’t have them. I wonder how some people who have never had children know it’s not for them and others only find that out after the event.
I adore my Son and it’s odd as I’d never not want him now he’s here. I think I’m a good Mum and he is loved and well looked after. But had I known what parenting was all about it’s not a path I would have chosen.

For me I think it’s the peace of mind of only having to think of, be responsible for and look after yourself. It’s such an amazing freeing experience for me. To only have to worry about yourself. Obviously you have to consider adult loved ones but that’s different.
I greatly enjoyed (although I didn’t appreciate it at the time) how freeing and settling only having to think of myself was.
Bringing up another human being and being responsible for their physical and mental health is a HUGE responsibility.

One I was genuinely happier before I had.

So is this a terrible attitude for a Mother to have?

I hear you

Parenting is tough , you have no time , less money , less freedom , less social activity. I get it. It does get better and you will get your life back

I think it’s how a lot of people feel. I was much happier before having children but I am hoping/assuming that once they are a bit older, I will be back to where I was except this time I will have loved children to make it better.

I don't think it's terrible - it's understandable. A lot of people find the early years really tough - I know I did. It's just not talked about very often. I did begin to feel differently as my children got older and I hope you do too.

The first 5 years are horrible and hard work but it gets more fun after that. Dig your heels in, you'll be through it before you realise

Oddly I don’t find it that ‘tough’. I have a lot of family support.
I was just happier before I had children.
For me it’s the responsibility of being responsible for the mental and physical health of another human being. That’s a HUGE task. One I would never have chosen to take on.

Obviously there’s perks of being childfree like you’ve mentioned. But they’re not the reason for me being happier before children.

I also feel with my reason it doesn’t necessarily get better as even as adults they’re still your offspring and you will always be In some way responsible for their welfare.
Adult children can still end up with mental health problems, unemployment, physical health issues etc.

My eldest child is 10 almost 11 😂
For various reasons there’s a big age gap.

Mine are not young and I still feel like this.

You must look in different places to me, as this is pretty much all I see. Rightly so in a way: parenting very little children is brutal and exhausting and relentless, but it really isn’t forever and no one is doomed to a life of 6am wakeups and CBeebies forever.

I do think it is frequently forgotten that while life pre children might have been happier, that life without children wouldn’t have stayed as it was. With or without children no one will have the same lifestyle, looks or opportunities they did in their twenties, life will move on, for good and for bad.

You really didn’t realise that you’d be responsible for another’s mental and physical health when you decided to have children? That’s astounding.

My eldest is almost 11.
I feel no different as my reasons for preferring being childfree don’t change with age.

Yes, the people who assume if you feel like this then your kids must be infants are really annoying!

In which case it's all downhill from here until 18 I'm afraid. Good luck and you are absolutely within your rights to feel how you feel, just make sure your kids don't pick up on it

Well I did. But for me personally until I was actually responsible for that I didn’t realise how much for a task that really was. I knew it would be difficult but it was only after having a child I realised just what that involves.
I think almost everyone would say parenting in reality was different to their expectations.

I presume most of us did not have our kids in our twenties and had decades of being adults without children and a good grasp of what it’s really like. Further, being older with children, we are still perfectly able to understand what andditional options we would have at this age without children.

I am pregnant with my first child, so can't give you an advice, but I hope you don't mind me asking. Our of curiosity - why did you decide to have a second child if you knew you didn't enjoy motherhood?

It’s terribly sad that some women struggle with infertility and child loss.
But that’s a separate issue entirely and doesn’t invalidate my feelings or mean I am wrong to feel this way.

@Theladyinluna thats exactly what I am saying 😂

I had mine at 40 and will be 43 when I have no2, but I’m obviously on the older side. If I had been unable to have children, or didn’t want them at all, life wouldn’t have stayed the same as it was when I was 39.

I realise the OP seems to be talking about something a bit different which to be honest I can’t really understand, but mostly when these threads crop up it is mothers of very small children wistfully thinking of how things were but how things were isn’t how they would be five, ten years into the future. It is a bit like threads about how brilliant being single is when people are remembering their early twenties - being single in your late thirties is a tad different.

My 3 children are all in their 30s. Sad to say, that never goes away. You will deal with the sadness of broken relationships, lost jobs, illnesses and accidents, miscarriages, money worries etc for tge rest of your life.
The saying 'you are only as happy as your unhappiest child' is true. But there will be lots of happy events, celebrations and excitement too

So my child wouldn’t be an only child.
Also I didn’t say I ‘didn’t enjoy’ motherhood.
Just that if I’m honest I was ‘happier’ before I had children.

I think it's a perfectly valid way to feel, OP, and you will definitely have company (although obviously it's something I think people don't talk about).

It doesn't mean you don't love your children, which I think is what some people will jump to assume. Not everyone enjoys parenting and being a parent, and sometimes you don't know that about yourself until you're living it. Some people will love the absolute bones of their children but felt happier in their own life before they arrived.

I’m sure many do. But never voice how they feel for fear of judgement.

The feeling of responsibility within a day or two of having my first child hit me like nothing else ever has. I loved him so much, instant love, but fuck me, that sick feeling of not being ‘free’ was completely overwhelming. It does just become the norm over the years, and for me, the good parts have massively outweighed the bad. We had a second and our life has been very happy overall. I haven’t found parenting difficult, my kids are lovely, we’ve always been financially very comfortable, we have great friends for support.

Strangely, now they’re adults/older teens, and I’m not as responsible for them, that feeling is building again. Our youngest is autistic and there is the worry for her future and when we’re not here anymore. That keeps me up at night every now and again. And just general stuff in life they’ve got to go through thsg I can’t protect them from.

Day to day is happy and lovely. When I think of the big picture, it feels overwhelming at times.

Thank you. This is how I feel.
I am certainly not unhappy being a Mother. I don’t find Motherhood particularly stressful either.
I was just happier before I had children.