To say I was genuinely happier before I have children

[Licinada]

All I ever wanted in life was to be a Mum. I was so excited when I got pregnant.
I have one child and expecting another in September.
My Husband wanted children too. After the first I was hesitant to have another but thought it best they had a sibling for company. I will have no more after this one.

Now I am not a stressed out depressed Mum. My life is fine as it is. My Husband is amazing.

BUT I have to admit. I was happier before I had children. I am sure for most while they’d say parenting can be hard the benefits outweigh the negatives or hard times.
But for me if I’d actually known what was involved in parenting I’d have remained childfree and chosen a life partner who also didn’t want children. I quite admire people who know they don’t want children so don’t have them. I wonder how some people who have never had children know it’s not for them and others only find that out after the event.
I adore my Son and it’s odd as I’d never not want him now he’s here. I think I’m a good Mum and he is loved and well looked after. But had I known what parenting was all about it’s not a path I would have chosen.

For me I think it’s the peace of mind of only having to think of, be responsible for and look after yourself. It’s such an amazing freeing experience for me. To only have to worry about yourself. Obviously you have to consider adult loved ones but that’s different.
I greatly enjoyed (although I didn’t appreciate it at the time) how freeing and settling only having to think of myself was.
Bringing up another human being and being responsible for their physical and mental health is a HUGE responsibility.

One I was genuinely happier before I had.

So is this a terrible attitude for a Mother to have?

I don't feel like this at all.

My pregnancies weren't planned but my kids are without doubt the best thing that ever happened to me. They give me meaning and purpose and a reason to strive to be my best self every day. It's also the purest strongest love I've ever felt.

Of course it's hard work but you don't just get gifts like that for free. They give so much more than they take imo.

I feel like my life is now just enhanced with my little girl. She's only 6 months so there are definitely days where I feel like I just need a break but loving her and being a mum feels like the most natural thing. My life was good before she came along but I always felt like something was missing and I love getting to see her experiencing new things and taking her places. I am looking forward to all of the things in the future as well. It is a huge responsibility you are right, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Parenting is tough and I think it’s harder when people had lots of time to themselves prior to having children so often older parents struggle with this because most of their life’s were focused on themselves. It’s not wrong in any way , as long as you don’t pass on those feelings towards your children then it’s ok . Took me a long time to have a 2nd child (14 years ) because with one o could still do most stuff. , travel the world , buy us both lovely stuff and have massive holidays , I loved spending money on him and myself . Then I decided to have another and I felt a bit like you . Thankfully for me the feeling when’s away as I can no longer imagine living my life and not knowing what true love really is and I don’t think any love compares to the one we feel for our children .

I am much older than you as are most of my friends and we were chatting recently about if we could go back in time would any of us still have children given what we know about the reality of raising a child/children. We all said that we would probably not. I was a single mum (not through choice but due to husband leaving and then not paying any child support or being in any way reliably involved in our child's life) and it nearly did for me, so maybe I am not the best person as I have no idea what it is like to raise a child with another adult who is equally emotionally involved with that child. I have never known such exhaustion, such constant worry about everything from "am I doing this right" through to "I have no idea how I am going to pay the electricity and also get shoes for my child". Another friend spoke about despite the deep love she has for her daughter, finding so much of it to be boring, repetitious and just real drudgery at times. Another friend whose two boys are a real handful said pretty much the same, she is a single mum so maybe this has some bearing on her feelings. Once you have a child you will never be carefree again, that is such a huge thing to accept. Of course we all love our children and there have been moments of inexpressible delight, joy, happiness and pride but if I knew then what I know now...

I hear you. I love my kids but I know I'd be happier if I hadn't had any. But hindsight - if I'd never had any, I'd always wonder what I was missing.

The “only child” argument surprises me as with a big age gap they may as well be only children. And you’ve basically given yourself 2 extra people to take care of, when you knew that you’d been happier with none. So that seems a strange thing to do.

I understand what you mean. I love my DC- as everyone does- and most of the best moments of my life have been with them, but I worry everyday about their future. The world is changing so rapidly that I can't keep up- AI, jobs disappearing, climate change, CoL...

I had them quite young and honestly did not foresee some of the difficulties they have faced. I didn't anticipate the pandemic for one! Which really affected one of my DC.

I'm childfree so biased I expect but it does mean I have an unsentimental view of parenthood. Some people go into this Op pretty clear about how difficult being a Mum can be, but a lot of women just have this huge biological urge for Motherhood that blinds them to the realities. They think being a Mother will be easy and natural and because they love them their children will only enhance their lives. For some women that's true, but as you've found out, it's not always the case. I read about the struggles Mums have on MN and know I was right, I could never have been a good happy parent

@HamBone
No, it’s a good question, and firstly I would never burden my own mum. Her worries are more about us getting older, having illnesses which we can’t hide for example. She worries about us travelling and worries that we get safely to our destinations things like that.

My children still live at home so it’s obvious if they’ve had a terrible time at work, argument with boyfriend, fall outs or disagreements, feeling hurt etc. We’re very close and they’re very vocal. Whether they would burden me once they’ve left home I’m not sure. Unlikely they would want to worry me, but mums can tell.

Younger kids, it’s even more obvious. I work in mental health so have seen hundreds of terribly sad young adults, and therefore terribly sad parents.

There’s no doubt that once you’ve had kids you will never truly relax again, not in the way you did pre kids. You’ll never be carefree like you were. But I think the comparisons aren’t really valid. Pre kids, you might be carefree and happy, but you don’t actually know you’re carefree and happy. You’re just living your life. It’s only once you have kids that you can look back and see what you’ve lost. But if you never had kids, you don’t know how you’d feel. You’d have nothing to compare your life to. And what felt carefree might become boring and pointless. You just don’t know.

Totally disagree. OP had mentioned the burden of being responsible for someone else’s mental health. That part of can be challenging at any time but especially in the teenage years. I feel the same as you OP

I was pretty unhappy pre-children as work had become incredibly stressful and I worked incredibly hard but didn’t feel appreciated. Plus it was a niche role so limited options to work elsewhere unless I moved geographically some distance away.

I was on holiday for 2 weeks and I’m sure I got pregnant by divine intervention because I was in my early 40’s and worrying about returning to work, so I don’t know how much longer I could have carried on working like that for. Interestingly, I’ve witnessed two colleagues suffer total burnout within the initial 5 years after I left, so I’m hugely grateful for my current lifestyle.

I’ve been a SAHP for years and have re-invented my life doing my hobbies and voluntary work supporting others in the community around my childcare. I feel so much happier to no longer have the stress of trying to fairly manage other people’s unrealistic expectations. We have a lot less money coming in so moved to a cheaper area and run one car etc. but I don’t miss my old life at all.

The only child-thing isn’t necessarily about having a okay friend when the child is little though, it can be about their adult years.

I have two only child parents and I watch them care for my grandparents and how tough it is. Big time, emotional and financial burden. I have one DC and I don’t want more but I don’t wonder about the lack of emotional and physical support he will have when we get elderly, frail, sick or die.

I can assure you that most people who haven't had children, for whatever reason, don't feel their lives are boring and pointless.

Having said what I said above, I think I would have been very lonely without DC. DH is a very quiet introvert, I have no family in the UK, and while I have some friends, many have moved or drifted away. I also WFH. Without DC, I would have very few meaningful connections.

One of my friends who is child free and has moved around a lot like me, is mostly happy without kids, but occasionally she says she regrets the "lack of connection", for want of a better term. It seems worse after the pandemic, when so many people are not keen to socialise.

Absolutely this. However, you have twice chosen to have children so its kind of on you to make yourself happy. We have very little money after bills have gone out, but we make everyday count!

Sort your outlook on life out. You have very few options now they are here. Or I guess you could just be miserable and whinge about it 🤣

Some people are being stupid. An only child simply means not having a sibling.

if the OP’s child has a sibling they will not be an only child. Whatever the gap. You don’t have to have the sibling under the same roof growing up together.

They won’t be 11 forever. Hopefully they will get on with their younger sib as adults. Not guaranteed of course with any age hap.

People are posting as if they have made a discovery, ooh they will still be effectively an only child. Nope.

This has surprised you - you never know, further down the line, you might find yourself surprised to be glad that you had children... and actually wish you had a third! It is just feelings and you are allowed to have them, you know! Feelings change over time and we have no real control over them (thank goodness).

Exactamundo.

Perhaps you were happier as had lot of hope/expectations in your life.
Now you have children ( possibly house, job ECT) not so much to be aiming towards and achieving so not feeling as happy.
For those who said first five years toughest I don't agree. Found I had more freedom when they small I could make plans get babysitter ECT. Now they older making their own plans trying to make sure no clashes as number of people in house all planning different things ... Less freedom or off time.

The childfree people I know have lives which are the opposite of boring and pointless.

Have people see the average day in the life of a parent of young kids…?

I appreciate your honesty 💐

🙄 what did you actually envision? Honestly what were you expecting? There's so many of these threads at the moment, granted it's half term so people are forced to be with their kids but seriously what were you anticipating here? You've decided to have another and you don't even like having 1, again what is the thought process? Will you just keep going until you realise it isn't going to get better 🤔🤣?

You are not alone, that’s for sure.

Ditto. I love my children deeply and don’t regret my choices BUT… were I to live my life again with the knowledge I have now, o wouldn’t have children.