To say I was genuinely happier before I have children

[Licinada]

All I ever wanted in life was to be a Mum. I was so excited when I got pregnant.
I have one child and expecting another in September.
My Husband wanted children too. After the first I was hesitant to have another but thought it best they had a sibling for company. I will have no more after this one.

Now I am not a stressed out depressed Mum. My life is fine as it is. My Husband is amazing.

BUT I have to admit. I was happier before I had children. I am sure for most while they’d say parenting can be hard the benefits outweigh the negatives or hard times.
But for me if I’d actually known what was involved in parenting I’d have remained childfree and chosen a life partner who also didn’t want children. I quite admire people who know they don’t want children so don’t have them. I wonder how some people who have never had children know it’s not for them and others only find that out after the event.
I adore my Son and it’s odd as I’d never not want him now he’s here. I think I’m a good Mum and he is loved and well looked after. But had I known what parenting was all about it’s not a path I would have chosen.

For me I think it’s the peace of mind of only having to think of, be responsible for and look after yourself. It’s such an amazing freeing experience for me. To only have to worry about yourself. Obviously you have to consider adult loved ones but that’s different.
I greatly enjoyed (although I didn’t appreciate it at the time) how freeing and settling only having to think of myself was.
Bringing up another human being and being responsible for their physical and mental health is a HUGE responsibility.

One I was genuinely happier before I had.

So is this a terrible attitude for a Mother to have?

That’s a HUGE task. One I would never have chosen to take on.

But you did choose to take that on.

I was desperate to be a Mother but never got to be. I'd fully realised that was the world's biggest responsibility which I'd have to step up to massively, and I was ready to take on that responsibility even though it would mean me coming second in my own life and generally being under the cosh for the next however many years with the drudge of making packed lunches while worrying about that girl in the playground being ever so slightly mean to my imaginary 8 year old. And you appear to have just willy nilly ACTIVELY chosen to be a parent without thinking of the actual reality. I know you're probably a very nice decent person, and I know I'm definitely being very unreasonable, but your choice of words here has made me absolutely seething. Unless your child is severely disabled or terminally ill etc you DID chose the life you have. I wanted your responsible parent life but COULDN'T choose it. You COULD AND DID.

I was 21 when I had my first and 26 with my second. Im 37 now and I can hand on heart say that I would not have wanted years and years of freedom and me time in my 20s, only to give it up to parent in my 30s. Itd have driven me mad and I'd have been far too selfish by then.

If id have been older having my kids i reckon I'd feel like the OP does now.

I don't understand your reason for having a second child after such a long gap. You've just extended the time you'll spend child rearing by be a decade.

An 11 year old will not have much in common with a baby. By the time your second is 11, the eldest will be doing their own thing and they probably won't be all that close.

Did you feel pressure to have a second? Do you want a second child for itself, not as a sibling for your eldest?

I feel totally the same OP and my kids are both teens, pretty easy teens to be fair.

No one knows what it’s really like having a child / children until you do.

I was so much happier before having kids and believe that at my age now, I would be happier without kids.

Sometimes it’s a tough lesson to suck up.

I'm just commenting on the fact you said you're having another child so your son wouldn't be an only child .. he kinda will still be.

You've had two only children. The age gap is too big to benefit from being siblings as children, that may change as they get older but if that was the only reason then it was a bit of a silly one.

Course there are positives of being child-free. I adore my two but it’s not all rosy.

People who constantly bleat on about the miracle of children and how #blessed they are, generally don’t have much else going on in their lives. And those who cannot understand that others may feel differently to them, are woefully lacking in imagination.

Sorry things didn’t work out for you with kids but I hope you have forged a different positive path through life anyway. I always tell my kids that there is more than one way to live a life.

I agree

I definitely get where you are coming from, but I feel like you only really appreciate being on your own/responsible just for yourself when you have children.

I have 2 kids, 2 years apart and they currently play very well together and we've genuinely had a lovely half term. Ive definitely had times when they were younger where I could have written what you have.
I feel like it was 5 mins ago my eldest was a baby though and he already needs me so much less than he did. They really do grow up quick, and you will get your life back.

This is only some people's opinions though. I have teens and for the most part they are great. I never found the younger years to be a shitshow either though thankfully.

I've loved watching them grow up so far but I have to say I had them close together so that all the hardcore parenting would be over and done with. Having another when mine were 11 is not something I would ever have considered there's loads more I want to do with my life other than parenting and extending the time spent hardcore parenting by 11 years isn't something that would interest me so I do find it interesting that you feel less happy than you did before kids but made an active decision to extend that time by a decade.

This is an interesting read, because I’m wondering whether there’s something wrong with me as I don’t feel the lifelong worry that other parents are expressing.

I have DD (18) and DS ( nearly 15) and I worry about them less and less. DD is a young adult going away to university and while I still worry abit about DS, I now hardly worry at all about DD. It seems to have faded as she became a young adults.

Is there something wrong with me? I do love them dearly, but I don’t worry about them.

Perhaps it’s because some pretty bad things have happened in my life as well as some wonderful ones, so I’m assuming they’ll also deal with the life’s highs/lows and get through them. I just feel that they can and they will.

I found the early stages, 0-3 pretty difficult but from 4+ I'm much happier than I've ever been. I don't currently work so have a lot of time on my hands for the kids, and we don't have any major external stressors though like money or illness or housing issues which I think makes such a big difference to wellbeing.

The age gap isn't horrendous, I'm the eldest in a large family and while my youngest sibling (10y age gap) says he can't really remember me at home (annoying because I did a lot with him, including a lot of reading!) we get on well as adults and it's nothing like an aunt-nephew relatìonship.

With a 10 year age gap, it’s more like you’ve had the experience of raising an only child. Not sure I can understand the logic of another child, - you’re very, very lucky to have this chance- assuming the pressure will be on this child from birth to make you feel happier? Not sure what your overall point is 🤷‍♀️

The age gap will narrow with time. Not wanting to have an only child is as valid as any other reason to have kids, whatever the gap.

I hear you, but I think what has helped me is I never expected to be happier because of having kids.

I knew my life would be easier, more comfortable and less stressful without kids… but I thought it could get dull (as tbh I am not the sort to develop a fantastically interesting career, huge social circle or move around the world). So I guess I expected life to be less “happy” with children but to bring more variety and life experiences. And they certainly have done that 😆

Perhaps your expectations were unrealistic?

I hear you too flowers 🌸

I'm the same tbh. I sometimes think I must be pretty heartless. I trust my teens and don't really worry that much about them, they have good heads on their shoulders and sure they will get lifes knocks but I'm not stressing out over it.

I think you will find a few if you read the thread.

There is a 9/10 year gap between my DDs, it is really hard going back to the baby and toddler stage but I was 22 when I had my first. Maybe OP was the same?

I have 4 kids and I still feel like this. People say I have must have an endless source of joy due to having four and I'm always like
If I could, I'd go back to 0 kids.
(I got pregnant at 19 in a dv relationship and others were kept after various mc and one was contraception fuck up)

I think that is great, Fair play.

I definitely was not happier Pre children.
I spent the time recovering from an abusive relationship that I now see as CSE, felt very alone in the world even though I had good friends who are still close to me now.

However I totally get the fear of the dependency and responsibility children bring and think many people don’t really express what that feels like and the loss of themself and their identity.

I think it depends on your child. I didn’t worry till they gave me stuff to worry about. My girl developed health problems at 17 and was in hospital. My son was full of confidence till his first year at university then had a significant wobble socially. I think it would be quite strange as a parent not to worry about those things.

I don’t think you can ever be ‘carefree’ again, no. If you are a natural worrier (I am), you will always have additional mental load. But you will be happy again once you get through the hectic bit.

I was 21 having my first, 23 with my second. That personally plays a huge part in why I wouldn't have a large age gap. My 40s are for me! We were fortunate though that we had the resources at that age to support 2 children.