To say I was genuinely happier before I have children

[Licinada]

All I ever wanted in life was to be a Mum. I was so excited when I got pregnant.
I have one child and expecting another in September.
My Husband wanted children too. After the first I was hesitant to have another but thought it best they had a sibling for company. I will have no more after this one.

Now I am not a stressed out depressed Mum. My life is fine as it is. My Husband is amazing.

BUT I have to admit. I was happier before I had children. I am sure for most while they’d say parenting can be hard the benefits outweigh the negatives or hard times.
But for me if I’d actually known what was involved in parenting I’d have remained childfree and chosen a life partner who also didn’t want children. I quite admire people who know they don’t want children so don’t have them. I wonder how some people who have never had children know it’s not for them and others only find that out after the event.
I adore my Son and it’s odd as I’d never not want him now he’s here. I think I’m a good Mum and he is loved and well looked after. But had I known what parenting was all about it’s not a path I would have chosen.

For me I think it’s the peace of mind of only having to think of, be responsible for and look after yourself. It’s such an amazing freeing experience for me. To only have to worry about yourself. Obviously you have to consider adult loved ones but that’s different.
I greatly enjoyed (although I didn’t appreciate it at the time) how freeing and settling only having to think of myself was.
Bringing up another human being and being responsible for their physical and mental health is a HUGE responsibility.

One I was genuinely happier before I had.

So is this a terrible attitude for a Mother to have?

Oh god I was pretty much going to write the same post tonight. The only difference is my eldest (3) is Autistic, non verbal and VERY high needs. Having him and DD (2) has honestly ruined mine and DH’s lives. It’s awful.
No amount we can give will ever EVER be enough. EVER. We are just so beyond miserable. Life is hard, so hard, the constant shrieking, the complete lack of engagement. His needs have totally ruined my bonding with DD because everyone always takes DD to ‘help’ because they either can’t deal with, or don’t want to deal with DS.

Thank you. It’s so Good to know I’m not alone. 😊

I am so sorry. I don’t even know what to say except thank you for sharing your experience.

No, I agree. But then some people do seem to worry tremendously about things that probably wouldn’t even register in my mind, and I am not sure how much of it is personality. I do know that as well meaning and loving as my own parents were, the endless ‘ooooh we do worry’ got quite exhausting for me and it also meant that when something that actually was very worrying happened, I just couldn’t tell them, because they’d worry and fret and to put it very bluntly, make it all about them and how terrible it was for them.

I don’t think they meant to do that but it is incredibly isolating - if you have fallen out with a friend or messed an exam up or think you look so fat and ugly - that you can’t explain this to your parent(s) because they’ll be so upset and worried about you.

It does seem to be a prevalent view on here though, so who knows!

I found it got harder as the years went on. I had two 18 months apart but the baby times were a breeze (both slept through from about 3 months). Even toddler age, while challenging at times, they were so easily placated. Primary age wasn’t so bad. High school is where it started. Both had their issues. They’re ND. DS was diagnosed at a young age, DD not (I hear that is common with girls). Their adulthood has come with highs and lows.

I love them of course and wouldn’t have wanted to have not had kids. However, sometimes I feel guilt for bringing them into this world in which they have struggled so much. When they’re happy, I’m happy. But when they’re not, it’s really hard. Thinking only of yourself is a lot easier. I knew I always wanted to have kids. It was my priority over anything else, so I was a young mum. But you’re not wrong in what you’re saying.

I have 2 primary age children, I really wish I’d considered it more in dept before I had them.

jetting off for weekends away - thing of the past.

going for a day out just you and dh - thing of the past.

children are hard work, tied to school run times for years, extra washing, extra financial expense, fighting with the school when your child needs extra help and aren’t getting it, the whinging and constantly complaining etc.

always worrying about them.

also having a child with SEN is also really common, so you need to think about how you would deal with that.

a relative has a child with autism and has said if they knew how hard work they were going to be then they would never have had them.

I think lots of people convince themselves that they wouldn’t change having children for the world but I personally think a lot of them are lying, kidding themselves in fact. Nobody likes to say they preferred their child free life.

The grass is always greener on the other side. No point wasting your children’s childhood by wishing you didn’t have them, they’ll pick up on it and as adults you really won’t have them.

I think this isn't unusual and the fact women are being more vocal about it is a big reason why many younger women are deciding they don't want children and won't have them.

It's interesting to me that a man even in 2023 can impregnate several women and bugger off to a new relationship leaving the woman literally holding the baby and at best might get mild disapproval.

whereas a woman who did this (had a child and left it with the father while she went on to a new man) would be treated as a social pariah.

Women still expected to do the grunt work of child rearing and life without them is definitely more fun and easier - plus less expensive!

I’m sure that many people feel the same way to be honest. I felt quite regretful wt
times when they were toddlers - I have to say I am so glad I had my children and love them dearly. As they grow up they become little mates to you….. and one of mines a teenager - I found the toddler years harder

Agree with both your comments. When I was still TTC/feeling really raw I might have found comments like this upsetting but not any more.

I am sorry; that sounds so draining and shit. I hope you have people in your lives who let you say it’s shit, without judging you.

Yes, @TakeAParent , my DS needed counseling for anxiety in his early teens and I definitely worried about him until we found him the help he needed.

I suppose I have confidence that whatever life throws at them, they
(perhaps we if they need our help) will deal with it, IYSWIM.

I suspect it might be my upbringing, as my parents had significant health problems ( one physical, the other mental), also experienced job loss and financial worries. But our family ploughed on somehow so I suppose I have confidence that my children will too.

Or perhaps I’m just weird. 😂

I have no children as I never really had the want or urge to have them. All of my friends have had kids and all have had some issues. A few have autistic children, a couple have serious medical issues (resolved with age thankfully), and one who even lost a child tragically.
I just don’t want the stress, or responsibility of having to bring up another human. The odd time I look at my parents and know they would have loved a grandchild, but it’s not enough to change my mind.

Mine are adults and teens and I have got most of my freedom back. Now I have adult children the hard work has been worth it, they are friends, confidants and sources of support. I am enjoying being a parent to adult children - yes, they still need you and worry you but it's on a more equal footing. During parts of child rearing I felt the same as you OP, that I would have been happier to only be responsible for me and that it was hard work.

Why did you have another out of interest?!

OP, every one says it don’t they ‘You are only as happy as your saddest child’ or something like that.
The responsibility just gets worse as kids get older if we’re honest. It’s relatively easy to keep a little one happy. The mental health of teenagers is something different. Influences of peers, the internet, drugs, having their hearts broken, the list is endless.
Mine are well into their 20s, I bear such a responsibility for them, and they’re good, relatively happy adults. My mum is 80 and worries about all her kids all the time. It can’t be undone once you’ve had them.

I totally understand you, and like you I love mine dearly obviously, but it’s a huge task to take on and it’s until the day you die.

I feel this.
Before children I travelled extensively and miss it so much. The financial freedom too. I wouldn't be without the children, but I never planned on being a single parent and it's hard being the person solely responsible for making decisions.

I tried for many years to have children and had a very stressful journey and many losses.

I now have several children and completely agree with you OP - I was happier before children. I wish I'd realised how good my life was before children, and how much better it is when your life is completely your own. It's one of those things where you don't know how good you had it until it's gone. I can't believe I used to complain about being tired and having no time before kids. It's not all bad of course, but the minuses certainly outweigh the plus points by some margin.

Didn't want her ELEVEN year old to be an only child

Just to say. It's quite a shite thing to do to a pregnant woman to slag her off for having chosen it. Have a little empathy maybe.

The OP hasn't said she wishes she didn't have children, she (rightly in my experience) recognise that life pre-children is just freer and easier.

We can surely discuss this without all the sneering.

OP, every one says it don’t they ‘You are only as happy as your saddest child’ or something like that.

@Newbie198 Genuine question, I’m not being goady, but how do you and your Mum know how happy/unhappy your children are?

My Dad (85) has no knowledge of my problems, because I don’t share them with him, haven’t for decades. I speak to him every day, but I don’t burden him with anything, because I don’t want to worry him. My IL’s don’t know about DH’s problems either.

Do older adult children really share their problems with their parents or are we the anomaly? I can understand young adults under 30 doing it perhaps.

obviously many many women agree but just don’t feel they can say so publicly.

I disagree there are lots of similar threads. I am also surprised you say you hadn't heard it might be hard work. It is a common chat on TV!

I feel for you OP - I love my son and love doing all the fun things like holidays, day trips, activities etc but I hate the drudgery of day to day of life. Having to wake up with a child every morning, do breakfasts, do school runs, do dinners - I find it all so boring. I miss being able to get home from work and just go the cinema, to the gym or out for a drink rather than having to think about what to cook and do bedtime. Luckily we have a lot of family help so are still able to have time for me and DH to have meals out or weekends away and I wouldn't change anything but I do wish I enjoyed those boring aspects of life a little more

Yes, I totally get this. We were discharged from hospital when dc 1 was 5 days old. I remember feeling sick with anxiety on the 1st night at the responsibility, also wondered why no one told me what to expect. I felt like it was a big secret everyone kept.

I'm nearly 55, don't have children, and never wanted children. I've been asked many times how did I always know (from age 9) that I didn't want children and it's a hard one to answer...I just KNEW. I imagine it's probably pretty much like being gay...for some people (like my best friend) it's just something they've always known, they never even considered they may not be. I also knew from my own personal experience (my father never wanted children and my mother made it pretty clear she regretted having them) that if I did do it, to make someone else happy or because it was 'expected' I'd be being very selfish and unfair on the child.

I consider myself very lucky, because I think having a child and realising you regret it/were happier before you did - and that feeling never going away - must be very difficult to live with.