To say I was genuinely happier before I have children

[Licinada]

All I ever wanted in life was to be a Mum. I was so excited when I got pregnant.
I have one child and expecting another in September.
My Husband wanted children too. After the first I was hesitant to have another but thought it best they had a sibling for company. I will have no more after this one.

Now I am not a stressed out depressed Mum. My life is fine as it is. My Husband is amazing.

BUT I have to admit. I was happier before I had children. I am sure for most while they’d say parenting can be hard the benefits outweigh the negatives or hard times.
But for me if I’d actually known what was involved in parenting I’d have remained childfree and chosen a life partner who also didn’t want children. I quite admire people who know they don’t want children so don’t have them. I wonder how some people who have never had children know it’s not for them and others only find that out after the event.
I adore my Son and it’s odd as I’d never not want him now he’s here. I think I’m a good Mum and he is loved and well looked after. But had I known what parenting was all about it’s not a path I would have chosen.

For me I think it’s the peace of mind of only having to think of, be responsible for and look after yourself. It’s such an amazing freeing experience for me. To only have to worry about yourself. Obviously you have to consider adult loved ones but that’s different.
I greatly enjoyed (although I didn’t appreciate it at the time) how freeing and settling only having to think of myself was.
Bringing up another human being and being responsible for their physical and mental health is a HUGE responsibility.

One I was genuinely happier before I had.

So is this a terrible attitude for a Mother to have?

Totally understand what you mean OP. Love my kids to death but 100% fantasise about being child free

It’s hard to begin with but as they get older you get happier seeing them develop & reaping the benefits of family life. You’ve also got to think of them in terms of the long game. Would you be happy reaching, say 60 and regretting not having them? I know quite a few women who chose not to have children because they didn’t want to go through the grind of the little years but now they’re older and are seeing the richness having a family can bring they’re deeply regretting their decision

I was definitely happier before children , but a different type of happy, if you get what I mean. Selfish happy at doing what I wanted when I wanted. I’ve had happy times with children but them making me happy , not the selfish happy. They’ve all left home now and I’m not happy because I feel disposed of, can’t really explain it. Crap marriage and can’t remember the last time I was happy, but chronic Illness makes you unhappy so I guess that’s it for me.

The OP isn’t doing this, she’s just expressing her feelings. Nothing wrong with that.

‘🙄 what did you actually envision? Honestly what were you expecting?’

Have things always worked out exactly as you thought they would? If so, you are lucky.

We all know that parenting will be hard work. We assume the pros will outweigh the cons. Is it beyond your imagination to see that for some people it doesn’t work out that way?

It's certainly true that children are a huge responsibility, anxiety provoking, tie you down, limit your freedom, induce guilt, drain you and take up all your time and money.

So no they don't make you 'happier'.

But an easy life without resposnibility, commitment and deep love like no longer would be a pretty shallow unfullfilling kind of life.

'Happy' is a shallow fleeting emotion and not really what people ultimately want. They want meaning.

Everyone needs deep purpose for fulfillment, most people find this in creating families. There are other ways, but most people don't have truly deep callings, talents or meaningful alternatives to family. It's why childlessness is so catastrophic for most people who expereince it.

So I get why right now a easier life without the draining demands of small children sounds blissful, but check back with us in 25 years and I predict you'll have a deep sense of having done something truly amazing and worthwhile that you wouldn't swap for the world (and not that anyone is offering you the world).

But maybe get a few days or hours off meanwhile. It's hard!!

I wouldn’t say I’m necessarily less happy now than I was but my quality of life with DC is definitely lower than it was pre DC. And it’s not for any other reason than having DC and my time essentially not being my own most of the time.

I don’t regret it, I see it as like two separate railway tracks that split off in different ways. I get joy in my life now from my DC and if I hadn’t had them then there would have been different joy and different challenges. I am an introvert though and my pre DC lifestyle 100% suited me better (and in all honesty I enjoyed it more) but that’s not to say what I have now isn’t good.

It’s the nature of parenthood that nothing can truly pre-prepare you for the seismic change that occurs in your life till you’re in the bloody middle of it. Books, experiences of friends and family…not even MN can make you aware of the visceral realisation that life has changed irrevocably and forever. It messes with your head if you think about it too much.

When I had my first there also seemed to be a conspiracy or silence about how challenging it could be. Thankfully there seems to be a slightly less truck given to the cult of parenthood now (as long as you stay away from social media).

Dc are now grownish and pretty independent though still at home. However, there still isn’t a moment of joyous spontaneity or quiet solitude which I don’t now fully and totally appreciate (and recall how that used to be just the humdrum, everyday experience of life pre-kids). And yes, I do so love the very bones of my darlings. They always, and will continue to, enrich life immeasurably. But if I visited my pre-parenthood days I’d lean in and whisper ‘enjoy every single moment of all this fantastic non-responsibility’ before zapping back to now to put on the dishwasher (which apparently can’t be operated by anyone without a fully functioning parenthood card).

I was the same, @thecatsmeows , although (according to DM) I announced this when I was 5 or 6. I wanted dogs instead, apparently, and that's what I had.

I actually find babies and small children dull, although I find them progressively more interesting as they get older and actually like teenagers. I would gladly have adopted my DNiece when she was a teen, and there were times when I think her mother would gladly have let me!

@Wildflowersinthemeadow I am late thirties and single. No different to when I was in my early twenties and single. Never wanted kids but you dont need a partner to complete you. 🙄
I never have wanted kids. Pregnancy, labour, the worry, the lack of sleep and freedom as well as the way the world is right now. I remain very strong in my decision and glad I didn't just have kids for the sake of it being something I felt I had to do.

I agree. Struggled for years to conceive. Eventually had 2 and I was by far and away happier before. I love them but I feel I have completely lost my life. Since becoming a mother I am this new person who never has fun, I dedicate my whole life to them. It’s relentless …People saying it gets better as they get older are encouraging but I think by then I’ll too old to do the things I used to do.

This is a very interesting thread to follow. We are in our mid-30s and decided a while ago not to have children. I was always ambivalent about it - there are times when I feel I would love to be a parent. But my wife is quite firmly against it, and has even had to deal with family calling her selfish for not wanting to have children, which I think is unreasonable.

I think it's very brave of the OP to admit that she feels less happy since becoming a parent. It's a perspective that we seldom hear because societally, women are expected to be maternal and to enjoy being mothers. Once you have children, you can't undo that decision and to even have thoughts about it seems to be taboo in our society, which I don't feel it should be.

I've accepted my wife's decision to not have children as it frees her from any regret that she may have chosen a path that wasn't entirely right for her, as OP has phrased it. I think it's important to respect every individual's feelings about parenthood regardless of whether or not they decide to have children.

For the introverts on this thread who struggle with not having solitude or time for quiet contemplation, mine are now young adults and I have tons of solitude!
It comes around quicker than you can imagine. This weekend for instance, all 4 of us are doing different things with different friends( though we are reuniting for dinner).

Erm, I’m really sorry you didn’t get to be a mother when you wanted to be, but IME you cannot know how you will find being a parent until you are - I can think of people who were deeply ambivalent who love it, and people who really wanted it (I mean rounds of IVF wanted it) who find really tough and not something they’d have done had they known how they would respond. Also everything in between obviously.

There’s no reason to think the OP isn’t a good parent, but she feels how she feels. Being able to break the taboo and speak honestly about parenthood and specifically motherhood can only be a good thing.

Argh I knew someone would misinterpret that. The point I’m making is that no one knows how they’d feel if their life hadn’t gone the way it did. I could think I was happier living in a city like I did when I was younger, compared to how I feel now, living in the countryside. But all I’ve got to compare it with is how I felt then. I don’t know how I’d feel now if I lived in a city.

I don't feel like you but I had my children late, after many fun years of socialising and then slowly watching all my friends leave me behind while settling down and having kids so I was quite ready for a new stage in my life

Being an older parent has downsides too though so I don't think there is any magic bullet that can make being responsible for creating new humans an easy task!

🙄

@PinkRiceKrispies that’s great but it isn’t what I was saying.

When people look back and lament the life they had before children, they often don’t seem to realise the life they had before children would not have looked the same, children or otherwise, five, ten, twenty years later. A forty three year old me without children would not have the same life twenty eight year old me had, that’s true of everybody.

Everyone should ideally make a choice they are content with, but looking back to what life was will never really give you a true picture because whether you have children or not that life will naturally move on from what it was.

This is exactly what I was trying to say. It’s comparing apples with oranges.

Funnily enough I disagree with the first 5 years being hard work but then our son is an only one- teenage years were in our case way more challenging

I found your post very interesting @StrawberryWasp. I'm in my early 30s and one of these people with a calling or 'talent'. After the end of my last relationship I stayed single and focused on writing my novel and guess what? My first novel will be published next year. Its been my dream since childhood.

Now I find myself at a crossroads. I get so much fulfillment from following this dream and I worry that having a child will mean I have to drop it. I think that would destroy me and my sense of self.

On the other hand, I think I'd be a good mother although I know things would never be the same. OP you've taken a bit of bashing, but I'm glad you posted this. It's an honest thing to express and I'm sure others have similar thoughts.

I don't think there is a magic bullet for a regret-free life. Human nature being what it is, it is natural to wonder "What if?"

My DD has just sent me a funny meme and a thank you for cooking for her during her very stressful uni exams, and honestly, I suddenly feel on top of the world!

Hey @janeseymour78 I have written 3 non-fiction books since I was 40 and am writing my fourth. They are niche books, but they are traditionally published. I have two DC. You don't have to give up on writing and your sense of self if you have DC, though you may have to pause ( depending on circs).

Mum of 5,with no family around,all kids home ed/no nurseries and 2 are disabled and can not understand you at all

And? This isn't about you understanding the OP. This is about the OP, and about her being happier, pre-kids.

I don't really understand why you had two with such a big age gap if we are having an open conversation.

I found having a child harder than I thought I would, I'm not as patient or fun as I thought I would be, so I'm sticking with 1 one. If I'm brutally honest, and this is bot a dog at you, it's because I think my child deserves the best and I'm already struggling and I dont want to do that to number 2 or stretch myself thinner for 1.

Mine is currently 8. I have time for 2 if I change my mind. Why did you change yours at age 11?