To say I was genuinely happier before I have children

[Licinada]

All I ever wanted in life was to be a Mum. I was so excited when I got pregnant.
I have one child and expecting another in September.
My Husband wanted children too. After the first I was hesitant to have another but thought it best they had a sibling for company. I will have no more after this one.

Now I am not a stressed out depressed Mum. My life is fine as it is. My Husband is amazing.

BUT I have to admit. I was happier before I had children. I am sure for most while they’d say parenting can be hard the benefits outweigh the negatives or hard times.
But for me if I’d actually known what was involved in parenting I’d have remained childfree and chosen a life partner who also didn’t want children. I quite admire people who know they don’t want children so don’t have them. I wonder how some people who have never had children know it’s not for them and others only find that out after the event.
I adore my Son and it’s odd as I’d never not want him now he’s here. I think I’m a good Mum and he is loved and well looked after. But had I known what parenting was all about it’s not a path I would have chosen.

For me I think it’s the peace of mind of only having to think of, be responsible for and look after yourself. It’s such an amazing freeing experience for me. To only have to worry about yourself. Obviously you have to consider adult loved ones but that’s different.
I greatly enjoyed (although I didn’t appreciate it at the time) how freeing and settling only having to think of myself was.
Bringing up another human being and being responsible for their physical and mental health is a HUGE responsibility.

One I was genuinely happier before I had.

So is this a terrible attitude for a Mother to have?

Well done. This is how it’s meant to work. If we were truly honest with children about the realities of having kids we’d have died out as a species centuries ago. There’s a good reason all your family will tell you having children is honey and roses and schools won’t even touch the subject. It’s to trick you into the conveyor belt of continuing humanity before you change your mind

OP has already been tricked into the conveyor belt and is changing her mind as she is carried up it.😀

Very insightful and accurate comment that I have heard said by friends over the years.

I think we were a bit guilty of it a bit too.

After 15 years of travelling, living and working on several continents, lovely home fully renovated, settled in highly paid jobs, we decided to give it a go with the absolute minimal of thought, discussion or preparation. 🙄

I got pregnant first try and we were off.

I look back and cringe at my spectacular naivety, despite bring in my 30's.

The responsibility is absolutely enormous and if you are a competitive person, you put pressure on yourself to do the best you can, and berate yourself when you don't.

Like others, we love them deeply, but I absolutely understand the deep contentment of friends who are childless or those that stopped at one.

OP, that's a big age gap, going back to the beginning again will be very much like the first time.

Wishing you luck.

@Joystir59
I sometime think people lack imagination regarding what to do with their life, so opt for parenthood which kind of absolves one from wondering what to do.

@DonnaBanana There’s a good reason all your family will tell you having children is honey and roses and schools won’t even touch the subject. It’s to trick you into the conveyor belt of continuing humanity before you change your mind

These two comments are spot on. I’ve had many people tell me they had children because ‘well, it’s what you do isn’t it?’ or ‘well that’s the next step isn’t it?’ or ‘well that’s what life is about, what else would you do with your life?’

I disagree (for me personally) with the comment that said you cannot appreciate how carefree you are before you have children. I’m 30 and very much appreciate the peace and quiet when I sit and eat my breakfast in the garden and ponder what to do next, whilst next door all hell is breaking loose amongst 3 youngish children. It’s losing that sense of being able to be carefree and selfish that terrifies me.

OP your feelings are valid and heard.

I’m 30 and very much appreciate the peace and quiet when I sit and eat my breakfast in the garden and ponder what to do next, whilst next door all hell is breaking loose amongst 3 youngish children.

Forgive me if I have commented too much on this thread; I am 51, which means a lot of thinking about how my life has turned out. I totally hear you on this, and when I was 30 with a toddler, felt like I had ruined my life of peace and quiet .

But I had a lovely long breakfast with DS today, while discussing Succession ( which we both love). I am now sitting in a park reading the paper peacefully, while he is off doing his own thing.

This is why the whole issue of having kids is so complicated. I feel I have made a connection for life, and on some days that's a beautiful thing and some days a bad thing! It's not black or white. Both choices are valid.

"It's why childlessness is so catastrophic for most people who expereince it."

Please don't pull things straight out of your bottom and wave them around on threads as if they're facts.

Completely agree.

Definitely a conspiracy of silence.

A bit like the menopause!

Thankfully on both scores I have many close friends that have expressed themselves freely without shock or censure, but the quiet nodding of heads in understanding and sympathy.

These feelings can be very fluid and ebb and flow.

Definitely the expression of your happiness being reflective of your least happy child, rings very true.

Exactly. I have many child-free friends who are extremely happy with their lovely lives!

I do think there's a lot of negativity around having children though, maybe it's just that my friends and family are unusually honest and I access content others don't, but the negatives are often pointed out and people say how awful it can be. Not saying there aren't still societal expectations but i don't think it's painted as honey and roses or that there's a wall of silence?

@CBAironing @GeriKellmansUpdo

I agree with both of you! Three young children tearing around in the morning sounds horrific; equally, having breakfast with your young adult son sounds lovely.

Having children is an individual experience, because children are individual human beings themselves and every one of them is different. Some are poor sleepers, for example, others aren’t, so parents will have v. different experiences of the early years.

Anyway, with children or childfree, both life choices are perfectly valid and can make people happy. the important thing is to make the right choice for YOU and I’m really glad that today’s young women like my DD(18) aren’t put under pressure to become parents as women were in the past.

It is wrong for society to make either group of women feel like they have missed out. If you like your life, then that's perfectly fine!

My issue is when people can't justify their own life without putting down someone else's. I believe children teach you how to love deeply, but that's not the only way people can learn to love. And it's not the only way people can find meaning.

At the same time, I am tired of people who go on and on endlessly on social media about their "childfree" holidays, fashion, spa days, etc. Then some mothers see this and resent their lives, which is an awful thing when you have kids who need to be loved and appreciated. All because they are envious of some superficial thrills.

The point is, we should be happy with our lives without needing to justify to anyone, and without comparing ourselves to anyone else.

I think it's precisely because we DO have a choice now that we feel conflicted.

In ye olden days women had no choice so there was no agony. It was hard, it was beautiful, it was expected. It was what it was. And if you couldn't have children you had no choice in that.

Now, women can choose not to have kids. If you're struggling with infertility there are ways to dramatically increase your likelihood of having kids. It's all switcheroo, the grass will always be greener.

I think it’s normal to feel the way you do. I don’t massively enjoy being a parent, in an exciting kind of way. But I love my children more than anything and I still wouldn’t change it. All I ever wanted was to be a mum but I find it tiring and stressful and so hard some days. Is it getting easier as my children are getting a bit older.

You are not alone - Its the hardest thing I have ever done - I have an amazing 19yo and 17yo who I love more than anything- but I have to say its got much harder especially with the 17yo (f) who has ‘friends’ that can be rotten to her and who unfortunately is suffering with mental ill health. I hear you, and have had nights feeling incredibly depressed and very jealous of a number of friends who are childfree. I have no advice except for grab the fantastic moments and make time for you and your DH to ensure you have adult conversation/ laugh like you did before children 😀

Yeah, that one was wild. And untrue. When researchers have looked at it they’ve concluded that childfree adults are no more likely to experience life regret than parents. For whatever reason there are those that actively want the childfree to regret their choice though.

This made me laugh because I feel the same. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing it wrong because I've found it all pretty easy so far and I've really loved it. When I posted before on mumsnet about how I actually really like being a parent and have still managed to do the things I want to do with ny life I was accused of protesting too much. People only want to hear of struggles so I just give an eyeroll and a teens eh? When talking about them even though I love hanging out with them and we all have a lot of fun together.

Literally everyone voices it. Mumsnet is full of people expressing regret that they had children. Look at any number of polls on the subject. Not sure this is the radical comment you seem to think it is OP. What are you hoping to get out of this thread? By your own account you are not even particularly struggling or unhappy 🙄

Yes, this. I’m seven and nine years younger than my siblings. They were both far removed from my life and had left home by my teens.

I have 3 "kids" 2 daughters age 32 and 28 and a 19 year old son. I rarely worry about them and feel like I've done a good enough job bringing them up to be independent adults and able to cope with stuff. Shit happens to everyone at times and they've been taught this since young kids. I've always been more about teaching coping methods than cotton wool wrapping. Maybe s personality thing.

And on the happiness thing . Well I was young when first DD was born but I would say in all honesty thst I'm happier now than have been at any time during last 30 years. Lived the kids but didn't enjoy the constant fighting between eldest 2 ( soul destroying snd draining) and the pressures caused by schools/ nursery etc on wanting outfits/money/ cooking ingredients etc often at moments notice while having to watch every penny as a working single parent. Glad all that's gone!!

Would i have kids again? Definitely not. Thing is that you can't change it once you've had them. Not like leaving a job or selling house etc.

I hear you, I have a 2 year old and due another in September. I would have only had one but didn’t want my wee boy to not have a sibling. I also am a good mum and every ounce of my soul goes into trying my hardest to be the best mum and wife. But I most definitely long for my life pre children. A little disheartened to find out yours is 11 and your still not enjoying it though 😕 I keep telling myself things will get better and easier when I get through toddler stage but I guess that’s a pipe dream fantasy 🥺😂 dear god!!

I think a lot more people than are willing to admit feel the same way, OP.

For the majority of my life, I've never truly wanted children. I recently underwent a spell of questioning and doubt over my child-free status, following the arrival of my dear nephew. After much reflection, I realised that I was simply getting caught up in the excitement of it all and that it was one thing to be an auntie and entirely another being a parent.

I simply never had the maternal instinct or drive. I was never the sort to look at babies and get the warm, fuzzy feelings. It just wasn't there. I knew I didn't want kids, I suspect, in the same way that some people just know that they do want kids. It's just something that is either there or it isn't and I decided that I wasn't going to try and force it to be there.

During my brief spell of "wanting children" I realised that was what I was doing. I was forcing myself to want them because everyone around me was so desperate for me to want them and have them. I didn't, and I would walk around with a knot of dread in my stomach at the prospect of what I was leading myself into.

As soon as my DP admitted that he didn't want children, the knot disappeared and all I felt was relief. I'd been let off the hook. For me, I took the view that if I wasn't 100% in, I had to be 100% out. No child should be subject to half-arsed parenting and a parent who isn't fully engaged.

There's no way to know for certain if anyone would truly be happier if they made a different choice in life. Everyone has those "what if" moments. We can only make the best choices for us based on the information available to us at the time. Your life would be different without kids-but there'd still be struggles. There'd still be responsibilities and drudgery. Just different ones.

I honestly believe that even though you know going into parenting that it is going to be hard-no one can prepare you for just how tough it really is. It's not until you're in the thick of it do you truly appreciate that and I suspect it's tough in ways that no one prepares anyone for as well.

I still think a lot of people have children because "that's just what you do," and don't give the alternative a single thought. I have read numerous stories of people who did just that and went on to regret it. Which is why I think these kinds of conversations are important-so people who are maybe sitting on the fence or who don't know can really think about if it's for them or not.

I reflect often on why I don’t enjoy being a parent more. I have a DH who is a very equal partner, we share everything, mental load included. So it isn’t that. We don’t have money worries either, which I know makes us very lucky, as I grew up in a financially unstable household.

I think the bits that I find hard are the lack of a village and the relentless pace of working life with kids, plus seeing the need for personal growth and realising I need to be better person and invest time in developing my parenting abilities to ensure my kids positive wellbeing, but struggling to find that time.

My grandparents didn’t babysit or do childcare in the way people expect these days, but they were ever present - we ate 2-3 meals a week at their house, we were in and out of each others houses daily, they took us to the park, played with us, popped in and did the ironing or mended a fence. They were a true extension of our houshold. More people to love and more people to share day to day life with. It made up for a lot of the challenges. I wish my kids had this but logistics and interest from grandparents mean it will never happen.

Excellent post. I didn’t have the period of doubt, but otherwise I have felt much the same. Even if I had been in a position where having a child was a possibility, I have no interest in them, nor the temperament to be a good parent.

There'd still be responsibilities and drudgery. Just different ones.

I think there is far less drudgery for a single person- in terms of dull admin and domestic tasks - than as a mother

because you are just looking after yourself and can do it as and when you please.
because you are less resentful about cleaning up your own mess as opposed to that made by children, ungrateful husband and so on
because you have a higher disposable income so can afford a cleaner etc more easily if you want one
because you can organise your life and a system that lightens the load for you personally without it being disrupted by children/husband who either don't care about the system or are uncooperative - I mean things like getting a robovac and programming to clean when suits you (if you have kids you need to make sure the floor is clear of toys etc); or shopping daily because you prefer to buy fresh = this type of thing.

If you go from that single life to suddenly being plunged into looking after a family, it is shocking the amount of drudgery and boring domestic work there is - washing, washing up, cleaning, ferrying people around, making sure children are clean, etc - it's really horrible and so much of it. There shoudl be laws preventing acquisition of a whole step children family!

This thread has really got to me. I have a 5 year old, 3 year old and a 3 month year old and being a mum is all I ever wanted. But now I am thinking about it seriously, I think you are absolutely right, I was happier pre children and although now they’re here I love them to death, I think my life would be better if I hadn’t had them. I found my early to mid twenties quite stressful … trying to find a good partner, get my career off the ground, figure out how to pay rent and feed myself without enough money, deal with insecurities etc. But the four years I was with my partner pre having children were fantastic. Being able to earn great money, use my brain at work, go out whenever I want, exercise, sleep, travel, eat, just live without the constant worry and physical and mental exhaustion of being a mother. Maybe it’s because I’m stuck in the thick of things, sleep deprived with no family help and a husband who is currently on a 3 week business trip. I hope I find the joy again. The mental toll of being a mother is shocking