To say I was genuinely happier before I have children

[Licinada]

All I ever wanted in life was to be a Mum. I was so excited when I got pregnant.
I have one child and expecting another in September.
My Husband wanted children too. After the first I was hesitant to have another but thought it best they had a sibling for company. I will have no more after this one.

Now I am not a stressed out depressed Mum. My life is fine as it is. My Husband is amazing.

BUT I have to admit. I was happier before I had children. I am sure for most while they’d say parenting can be hard the benefits outweigh the negatives or hard times.
But for me if I’d actually known what was involved in parenting I’d have remained childfree and chosen a life partner who also didn’t want children. I quite admire people who know they don’t want children so don’t have them. I wonder how some people who have never had children know it’s not for them and others only find that out after the event.
I adore my Son and it’s odd as I’d never not want him now he’s here. I think I’m a good Mum and he is loved and well looked after. But had I known what parenting was all about it’s not a path I would have chosen.

For me I think it’s the peace of mind of only having to think of, be responsible for and look after yourself. It’s such an amazing freeing experience for me. To only have to worry about yourself. Obviously you have to consider adult loved ones but that’s different.
I greatly enjoyed (although I didn’t appreciate it at the time) how freeing and settling only having to think of myself was.
Bringing up another human being and being responsible for their physical and mental health is a HUGE responsibility.

One I was genuinely happier before I had.

So is this a terrible attitude for a Mother to have?

I think there's a point at which you either accept that your life is no longer really about you anymore and embrace the profound changes that brings, or you get stuck in mourning.

Did you think having children would make you happier? Why? People with children aren't happier than people without children. However, having children is very rewarding work for most people and gives them a great sense of achievement. Presumably you are proud of your son? And think about why you decided to have a second child? You don't think it will make you happy but you must think there will be a positive outcome? That's what you should focus on.

It’s really interesting how different the comments compared to the voting on the poll.
obviously many many women agree but just don’t feel they can say so publicly.
which is a shame.

It's an honest view. Is it a good view for a parent to have, then no I don't think so. Noone knows exactly how having kids will pan put but that the worry will be endless and that they are expensive should never come as a shock. Yes it is a big responsibility but you should have known that at least before you had kids.

Some people will feel the same as you, others won't. I don't. I don't have the family support you do and am in the thick of it yet I wanted them and I find it a blessing to be their mum. There have been hard times no doubt will be in the future but I'm in it for the long haul. My life was certainly less stressful before them but my heart wasn't nearly as full.

It's fine to feel as you do, your feelings are valid. What do you want others to do about it though?

Having kids makes no sense. The effect on your physical and mental health, finances and relationship can be rubbish. For many of us though, there is that draw to have kids and I know I would have been devastated not to have them.

Mine have left home but I still worry and feel responsible.

I think your feelings are valid. So much of it isn’t fun. And it’s restricting. And you don’t really know what it’s going to be like till they arrive.

At least when they leave home, your day to day life will be less restricted and you can get some spontaneity back. 🤞

As a very happy only child with a very happy only child it pains me that you are having a second child so yours "wont be an only."

I never really felt like this until my kids reached the teenage/young adult years. Now I am only as happy as my unhappiest child and it sucks.

Sometimes it’s therapeutic just to share feelings and feel less alone. Can’t you see that?

Thank you 😊
I just wanted to hear from others who felt the same.

I think this is a difficult one OP. It may not be that you are not as happy 'because' you had children- it may just be the life stage you were at pre children was generally happier. I certainly felt happier when younger and pre children , but mainly because my health was better, I felt I had more things to look forward to/ possibilities in life than I do in my early 60s . The children didn't make me less happy- general life did.

I feel for you op, and all the women that feel the same. I never realised that there was such a significant amount of regret and lament from some mothers about their choices until I started reading the many similar threads on MN. It’s clearly still a hidden and shameful admission. And still something in our societal expectations that push women down a route they’re not fully prepared for.

I think there's some truth to this. If I was a childless 40 year old would I feel the same happiness that I felt as a childless 30 year old? I don't know. Most friends have children and I would have a different relationship with them. The sheen has started to come off work after all this time. The idea of getting old with no "legacy" might start to loom. But I do hear you, many people think this from time to time I think

There’s a complete disconnect between comments like “the first 5 years are tough, it’s much easier after that”, and “parenting teenagers has been the hardest thing I’ve had to do”.

If one has two children 3 years apart, does that mean there’s only like 4 years out of their whole childhood when it’s not a complete shitshow?!

It's not that people don't know, it's that it takes time to dawn that there's never a day off ever again from being responsible for other peoples safety, well-being, happiness.

My kids are early teens and I can see now that there is no time off for good behaviour; I'll be in this responsible job every day for the rest of time, and that does piss me off sometimes.

Oddly I am much much happier as a parent now I have two, which I wasn't expecting. So that may happen for you too.
Day to day I'm less happy than I was before kids. I find the loss of freedom very difficult. But I'm enjoying the relationship I'm guiding with my DDs and I'm looking forward to the bit where there's more solo me time but with that relationship ongoing too. I feel like they will bring me overall happiness when there's more of a balance.

I feel like this and mine are eighteen and twenty. My youngest is going to university this year and I will have some freedom….except that I’m not sure I will because the mental freedom has gone forever.

I worry about my children and I worry about myself in case they’re left alone (small family and they don’t have many friends - one friend between both of them!). They’re autistic so that doesn’t help, although not so autistic that they wouldn’t cope alone.

Why did you have another? Very selfish i

No, all kids are different. I have 4 children, 2 were fine in teenage years and 2 were not. All were grand as babies and toddlers other than the usual tiredness etc.

If it makes you feel better, I got chatting to a nice lady in the supermarket and she told me not to have kids.

there will be happy times though, I feel confident saying that because I think of growing up enough to be friends with my parents and that's a very beautiful thing.

The thing is, by the time the second child is born it sounds like your eldest will be 11, or near as. A new baby at that age really isn’t the same as a sibling who is close to them in age. I have several friends with siblings with a similar age gap (they were the youngest, admittedly), and they all feel like only children, as their siblings had left home by the time they were 7. They didn’t have someone to play with who was a sibling, and they don’t have a ‘sibling’ relationship. Their older brothers/sisters are more like an uncle or aunt. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s probably best not to have unreasonable expectations about what the relationship between the children is likely to be. And there’s nothing wrong with having an only child!

Your child will practically be an only child anyway. What does a 10//11 year old have in common with a baby? What will they ever have in common? Strange attitude. I wonder how he'll adjust especially if you become even unhappier with another child.

The teen years upwards were the best by far for me. I hated all the exams but at least the kids were more interesting. Up till 12/13 I found it all quite boring.

i dont have children myself but my sister has an 18 year old and said she just got her life back at 38 doing all she wanted her child had moved out she was free her words . She then went on to have another baby at 40 now 14months old she said as much as she loves her baby she does have some regret as life was so much easier before and wished she stuck to one .

I'm one of the ones who tried desperately hard but couldn't have children. I don't remotely blame the OP for feeling the way she does and wouldn't pressure her to feel differently for my sake.

(Actually if I'm very honest, it's occasionally reassuring reading threads like these and thinking that there are some positives to not having children too!)

Woo, a rare non-negative comment about having children! 😊