Friend's "small" wedding

[Sophiesop]

Friend was my bridesmaid last year - I spent so much on my bridesmaids - dresses, hair and makeup, a bracelet etc.

Friend got engaged 2 months ago. I asked her last night what she is thinking in terms of the wedding. She said she wants a small wedding in Wales with just close family and friends and she's not really thinking of having bridesmaid as she'd rather budget for the cost of Wales than spending on bridesmaid gear.

Aibu to be upset by this? I thought I'd be her bridesmaid. I'm presuming I'll at least be invited to the wedding in Wales but I'm quite upset.

You are being totally unreasonable. You don't know her budget, even if she has money maybe she doesn't want to spend 30k on one day and would rather put it towards a house or honeymoon whatever. It was your wedding and your choice, need to get over it quickly and definitely keep your opinion to yourself otherwise you might lose a friend.

I had my sister & niece as bridesmaid & flower girl. I didn’t feel bad that I didn’t have my two closest friends despite being their bridesmaids. Neither have sisters & they always knew I’d only be having my sister in our wedding party (& my niece after she was born). We’d discussed this & they understood. On both occasions I was bridesmaid, I offered to pay for my dresses - conscious that I wouldn’t be returning the favour. Both declined. Instead I paid for my hair & makeup, & that of the other bridesmaids, as I wanted to help where I could. I did this without them knowing & went & settled accounts prior to the big day.

It’s not the same issue though, is it? The other thread is about the OP’s “friend”, having been pushing her out for some time, choosing others as her bridesmaids ahead of the OP. In this scenario, OP’s friend isn’t having any bridesmaids. She’s complaining she hasn’t been given a role that doesn’t exist.

Scenario 1 is the equivalent of the boss tipping you the wink that you’re in line for promotion and then passing you over in favour of someone less deserving. Scenario 2 is the equivalent of complaining you weren’t promoted even though there wasn’t a vacancy in the first place.

No she didn't need to say that. Also I don't think you are unreasonable I think you are rather understandably hurt.

The op and friend have often said they will be each other's bridesmaids and OP had her as a bridesmaid and spent a fair bit on the bridesmaids (from her post) so stating that "she's not really thinking of having bridesmaid as she'd rather budget for the cost of Wales than spending on bridesmaid gear." is like I said " a bit tactless" It's how it's said to someone who did spend a lot on her not that long ago. Had she said something like. "We are intending a small wedding and likely won't have bridesmaids" That would be about her wishes. Adding the spending on bridesmaid gear when op did spend on her could make op feel like the friend was criticising her. From how I am reading op I think op was hurt and I get why.

If you look at the post I made I said the friend was " a bit" tactless I also said that friend could have the wedding she wanted. I said the friend was not unreasonable.

When we are friends with others we usually consider their feelings too. Op's friend could have worded this better. I do not think the friend intended it poorly and I don't think OP should hang a lot on this (I also said this in my post) However, I have an understanding of why op felt hurt.

I’ve never been a bridesmaid, thank Christ. All of my friends have sisters! I don’t have any bridesmaids myself, either.

Each to his own...times and desires change.

People have different ideas about what they want for their wedding. Personally I'm in the camp that thinks that there's no need to spend a fortune, whether or not you can afford it. It's just one day in the rest of your life, and you don't need to go overboard on the trimmings to enjoy it.
As regards you being a bridesmaid, surely it's up to her whether she has bridesmaids or not?

I must be a bit childish also then, because I understand exactly how you feel

Because she has decided not to have bridesmaids. If she had chosen six other bridesmaids and missed you out, then maybe I could see your point. But this is a non issue.

Of course you’re being unreasonable. Her wedding, her choice!

You do not deserve some of the harsh responses on here, OP, but that’s MN for you. However, your friend should be allowed to have the wedding she wants. Please don’t fall out with her and don’t take it personally.

I totally understand your upset OP. You are old friends, you thought you would have the same experience as a bridesmaid that she had. I don't think it's wrong to feel upset and I'm surprised you've had such a kicking on here. It's perfectly human to feel emotion and you're clearly disappointed to not be able to undertake a role you were looking forward to.

Obviously at the end of the day though, in the same way you had the wedding you wanted, it's important that she gets the same. I'm sure that as a good friend even though it stings a bit now you'll support your friend in her choice.

It’s not unreasonable to be upset if you had discussed it in the past BUT it’s never a done deal. I had the same agreement with a friend of mine but she didn’t ask me and then when another friend was upset that she hadn’t been asked - my friend bitched to me about it and said well you aren’t upset so why should she be!
I was upset but chose to not make a fuss - her day her choice

You do have a right to have feelings about this. She can have the wedding she wants but it will change your relationship.

98% of people think you are being unreasonable-that says a lot!

Why do you keep putting ‘small’ in quotations marks??

How entitled are you? It’s her day not yours.

My friend was my bridesmaid last year but I wasn’t hers at her wedding this weekend and it was never an issue.

imo she’s done the right thing, after reading your moaning selfish post

I can understand (and you can’t help) being upset
but YABU to have this expectation when she’s decided not to have any bridesmaids, regardless of what was said previously.

If you aren’t invited, however, YANBU.

Unless you literally spend less.

£200 per head - 20 guests.
£200 per head - 100 guests.

Literally costs less.

Why? It's her wedding, her choice.

Think the difference is (if I'm thinking of the same post) that the other woman was having bridesmaids and hadn't picked the OP who had her as maid of honour at her wedding. Whereas this woman isn't having bridesmaids so OP is being pretty ridiculous by being upset.

Her wedding, her choice. Just because she was a bridesmaid at yours, does not mean she has to have you as one at hers. It's got nothing to do with you, how she wants to get married. Just be a good friend and support her decision!

Not RTFT but in MN history, when it comes to weddings YA always BU.

Your friend can get married wherever she wants. She could have 100 bridesmaids or no bridesmaids. She could have 5 guests or 500, get married in her own living room or on the moon. Its her wedding, she gets to decide.

Your decision to have her as your bridesmaid has no bearing on her decision on bridesmaids. I am sorry you're disappointed, but look at it this way; you get to go to a wedding in an outfit of your choosing, drink as much as you choose to safe in the knowledge you don't have to be responsible for all the getting ready palaver, making a speech or get the bride to the toilet.

Yab ridiculously u, and grabby

Tbh I can see why you’d be upset, especially as you had both said you would be bridesmaid for each other.