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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend's "small" wedding

262 replies

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:43

Friend was my bridesmaid last year - I spent so much on my bridesmaids - dresses, hair and makeup, a bracelet etc.

Friend got engaged 2 months ago. I asked her last night what she is thinking in terms of the wedding. She said she wants a small wedding in Wales with just close family and friends and she's not really thinking of having bridesmaid as she'd rather budget for the cost of Wales than spending on bridesmaid gear.

Aibu to be upset by this? I thought I'd be her bridesmaid. I'm presuming I'll at least be invited to the wedding in Wales but I'm quite upset.

OP posts:
Pepsi2001 · 04/06/2023 19:33

Think she's had a narrow escape not having you!! Need to grow up.

Gingernan · 04/06/2023 19:45

I understand you're disappointed. This might be what her husband also wants, the small wedding in Wales.Might not be just up to her.

restingbitchface30 · 04/06/2023 20:10

She can have the wedding she wants!! I recently attended a close friends wedding. I thought we were close friends but I was sat right at the back of the hall!! I won’t hold it against him it is what it is. That’s what he wanted on his wedding day.

Justalittlebitduckling · 04/06/2023 20:10

It sounds like she wants a very different sort of wedding. She doesn’t owe you anything.

BustyLaRoux · 04/06/2023 20:30

I had three bridesmaids. Two of whom didn’t choose me for bridesmaid at their weddings. Didn’t bother me in the slightest. I asked them because I wanted them as bridesmaids not because I expected to be theirs.

browneyes77 · 04/06/2023 20:32

NerrSnerr · 03/06/2023 12:45

She shouldn't be forced to have things she doesn't want at your wedding because of choices you made for your own wedding.

You spent the money on her being a bridesmaid because that's what you wanted for your own wedding. Let her have the day she wants.

This

caringcarer · 04/06/2023 20:40

NatureNurture85 · 03/06/2023 12:46

You did what you want; she does what she wants.

Yes, every bride gets to choose.

caringcarer · 04/06/2023 20:42

OP, you could still offer to organise her Hen do.

NickyT64 · 04/06/2023 21:01

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:49

@LittleRedYarny not a reverse. I don't know why it's wrong to be upset at not being the bridesmaid?

Because it’s not like she’s having bridesmaids and left you out!!!! You are being unreasonable and not thinking of your friend and her wishes. I thought you said you’re really good friends……

Twattergy · 04/06/2023 21:14

I find the whole adult bridesmaid thing weird. I can't see the fun in being one either. I liked it when I was 5. Was asked again as an adult and was absolutely dreading it, luckily the bride got pregnant making the whole event much smaller/quicker with no bridesmaids and I've never been so relieved! Enjoyed it as a guest.

MissingMoominMamma · 04/06/2023 21:29

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:48

Plus I don't think she understands a "small" wedding can be just as expensive as a large wedding

That doesn’t compute. Fewer people to feed; no bridesmaids’ dresses etc… it’s clearly going to cost less!

Pmen · 04/06/2023 21:36

I really don't understand the bitchy horrible replies on here from supposedly grown women. Of course she's hurt that her friend hasn't Included her even though she's entitled to whatever wedding she wants. I really don't understand why the replies have to be so horrible when somebody is obviously hurt that her good friend doesn't want her as a bridesmaid. Why try to make her out to be so unreasonable when she's hurting. You can all give advice without being so nasty, surely

Mari9999 · 04/06/2023 21:36

@Sophiesop
Maybe she is having what she can afford. Maybe she is having the wedding that the groom wants to have. Maybe after seeing all that was involved in the lead up to your wedding ,she has decided that she does not want the cost and stress.

You had the wedding of your choice and assumedly she was happy for you. Why can't you be happy for her.?

If you are truly a friend, you will wish her well and be happy that she has found happiness.

Sparklynewcareer · 04/06/2023 21:41

I think you just need to get over this one. I could understand your upset if she is having others but not you, but if she’s not having any at all I don’t feel there is a need to be hurt by this .

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 04/06/2023 22:13

Sadly, it was your choice to splash out on your bridesmaids, and she is under no obligation to do the same.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 04/06/2023 22:44

A 'bit' immature?? A lot!! If you're this miffed at not being a bridesmaid, how are you going to react when you find out her small wedding means you're not invited at all? Maybe she was hinting that to you & you've not picked up on it? Is a long-term friendship worth losing over one day?

kamillertime · 05/06/2023 04:08

In your original post,you said you were "quite upset". In a follow-up post, you were "just taken aback a little". Seems like quite a difference. What's up with that?

Grrrrdarling · 05/06/2023 05:00

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:43

Friend was my bridesmaid last year - I spent so much on my bridesmaids - dresses, hair and makeup, a bracelet etc.

Friend got engaged 2 months ago. I asked her last night what she is thinking in terms of the wedding. She said she wants a small wedding in Wales with just close family and friends and she's not really thinking of having bridesmaid as she'd rather budget for the cost of Wales than spending on bridesmaid gear.

Aibu to be upset by this? I thought I'd be her bridesmaid. I'm presuming I'll at least be invited to the wedding in Wales but I'm quite upset.

If your friend is such a good friend surely you’d just tell her you are gutted you won’t be her bridesmaid after you both planned to be each others when you were little.
I mean people, circumstances & priorities change but you should be able to talk to her!
Your reaction is a bit immature but I can see where you are coming from if you were excited to be her bridesmaid & now won’t be you have every right to be upset & gutted but you can’t get annoyed that she isn’t having bridesmaids because her wedding is her wedding not yours & she can do what she likes at it.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 05/06/2023 09:40

If your friend is such a good friend surely you’d just tell her you are gutted you won’t be her bridesmaid after you both planned to be each others when you were little.

For heaven’s sake, do NOT do this. It’s ridiculous. Be disappointed that she’s not having bridesmaids, sure, but don’t share this with her unless you want to come across as emotionally blackmailing her.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 05/06/2023 10:09

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 03/06/2023 13:21

How strange!
There’s another thread exactly like this, and everyone is telling op to no vontact and stop being friends with the bride who didn’t ask her to be bride’s maid back.
What’s the difference🤔?

You really can’t figure out the difference?

2chocolateoranges · 05/06/2023 10:17

They can have their wedding as they wish, dh and I had family only , there were 40 people including us on our wedding day. No friends invited, Was a perfect day and certainly nowhere as costly as friends big weddings! We spent £5000 and that was including our honeymoon whereas friends weddings were closer to 20k. Huge difference.

WinedropsOnMoses · 05/06/2023 10:24

I kind of get it, but it's one of those things you'll have to suck up and keep a smile on to be honest.

My sister was MoH at my wedding. 2 years later she called me from Vegas...married! I was initially a bit hurt but it was exactly the wedding she wanted and she was so happy.

She also later said the main reason for having no one there was the attention made her anxious.So god know how she managed at mine, she even carried my wriggly baby down the aisle!

zingally · 05/06/2023 10:33

My best friend didn't have me as a bridesmaid either. She just had her younger sister.

I'd had her as my bridesmaid a year before that. And I don't mind saying, I was a bit hurt.

There's also only one formal pic of us together at her wedding, where I was included in a shot which was a line-up of all her uni mates, plus me. I wasn't quick enough to get in the line either, so I'm right at the very end of the line, looking like the least-favoured friend. Even though we've been bffs (at that point) for 10 years.

There's loads of formal pics of her at my wedding.

She's been married well over a decade now, and I'm still a bit irritated by it tbh!

pollymere · 05/06/2023 12:32

I didn't get invited to either of my bridesmaids' weddings...

Darkstarrheart · 05/06/2023 14:38

@Sophiesop
Hello, just curious how many bridesmaids did you have?