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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend's "small" wedding

262 replies

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:43

Friend was my bridesmaid last year - I spent so much on my bridesmaids - dresses, hair and makeup, a bracelet etc.

Friend got engaged 2 months ago. I asked her last night what she is thinking in terms of the wedding. She said she wants a small wedding in Wales with just close family and friends and she's not really thinking of having bridesmaid as she'd rather budget for the cost of Wales than spending on bridesmaid gear.

Aibu to be upset by this? I thought I'd be her bridesmaid. I'm presuming I'll at least be invited to the wedding in Wales but I'm quite upset.

OP posts:
DrMarciaFieldstone · 03/06/2023 16:37

Maireas · 03/06/2023 16:25

@airforsharon social media, innit.
I think that's why all this adult bridesmaid malarkey took off - loads of pictures getting ready in matching robes and whatever.

Ugh yes! Making TikTok’s of getting ready and what they’re eating

Blip · 03/06/2023 16:45

Do you actually want to be a bridesmaid?
I would hate to be one as an adult, wearing a colour and style of dress I hadn't chosen and that probably didn't suit me, a dress I could only wear once, uncomfortable shoes, make up, loads of time spent trying dresses or getting them altered etc, being immortalised in loads of photos of myself in potentially unflattering outfit!
I have been asked once as an adult and asked to just be a guest instead. Ended up being a witness instead.

kethuphouse · 03/06/2023 16:46

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:49

@LittleRedYarny not a reverse. I don't know why it's wrong to be upset at not being the bridesmaid?

Because you’re making her wedding all about you! You’ve had your day and the world does not revolve around you I’m afraid.

Feliciacat · 03/06/2023 16:47

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 13:47

She does have money - her partner is very well off.

Hey Sophiesop. I have not read the entire thread but I have read your posts on it. I just wanted to give my two cents having got married myself a week ago. I had three best friends (not a friendship group, they were one on one friendships). One doesn’t want to get married but does love weddings, one had me as a bridesmaid at her wedding and one doesn’t want to get married but told me she wants me to have a big wedding so she can have the experience of being a bridesmaid.

The first two friends took my elopement (just me and DH) very well and said they understood my reasons for doing it like that (severe family issues). The third ‘friend’ was in shock and has barely spoken to me since. I had been fading her out for a while anyway as she’s very self centred but this is the nail in the coffin for me.

I actually don’t think you’re being unreasonable to be surprised and a bit hurt at not being a bridesmaid since you had that expectation and now it’s not happening. You need to process that. However, keep those feelings to yourself otherwise you will not be being a true friend and your friend will distance herself from you altogether. Remember too that there are no bridesmaids so it’s not like she’s singling you out. You’re entitled to your feelings but your friend is entitled to have her wedding her way.

Pubgardener · 03/06/2023 16:52

I hate the idea of getting married because know so many people expect me to reciprocate invitations etc, and I just want something tiny. You did your thing- let her do hers

mast0650 · 03/06/2023 16:59

I think if she was having multiple bridesmaids and you were not included then you might reasonably be hurt if you are close friends and always imagined being each other's bridesmaids. But if she doesn't want bridesmaids at all then that's entirely up to her and her fiance and the kind of wedding they want. The fact that you had her as a bridesmaid or that you are close friends donesn't come into it. It really doesn't make sense a lot of sense to be hurt in that case.

TeamSleep · 03/06/2023 17:00

Pubgardener · 03/06/2023 16:52

I hate the idea of getting married because know so many people expect me to reciprocate invitations etc, and I just want something tiny. You did your thing- let her do hers

Honestly I felt like this but got to the point where I wanted to marry my partner so I had to get over it and realise that if my friends weren’t happy for me getting married in the way I wanted to then I’d be questioning their friendship. You’re getting married for you and your partner, not for your friends and family.

Feliciacat · 03/06/2023 17:03

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 13:47

She does have money - her partner is very well off.

Sorry, I forgot to also say my point of view on this money comment. I am saying these things to try and help you understand that your friend very likely doesn’t mean to hurt you.

My partner is very well off and I’m on minimum wage. I do think some people expect me to throw lavish affairs just because he’s rich. The fact is that I like to pay my own way die to financial abuse when I was younger. My partner also grew up in poverty so he doesn’t like spending much. The way we operate is that we do everything on the cheap (including our tiny wedding) because that way I can afford to contribute and he won’t get stressed about spending loads.

We have lost friends (well, they weren’t friends really) because they’ve expected us to pay for loads of stuff for them. My friend who wanted to be a bridesmaid seemed to want me to have a massive wedding where she got lots of great photos for social media. We’ve had other people feeling like they were entitled to favours just because we had more money than them.

You don’t know how your friend and her partner might feel about money; they might have complex issues you have no idea about. So please don’t assume you’re hard done by just because your friend’s fiancé is wealthy. A lavish wedding isn’t on the cards and it doesn’t have to be.

EarthSight · 03/06/2023 17:03

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:48

Plus I don't think she understands a "small" wedding can be just as expensive as a large wedding

500 guests, for example, is going to cost more in terms of catering especially than just catering for a few people. The indoor venue would also have to be larger to accommodate 500 people instead of just 20 lets say, so it's unlikely there would be a parity in price berween a small vs large, unless you were going to the height of luxury.

I do understand why you'd be hurt not to be invited. It's possible that she's doing this because she feels that if she did invite more people, she might feel guilty about asking them to cover certain costs, and so it's simpler not to invite a lot of people at all. However, we're not just talking about any party here. It's a wedding, not a situation to pay back friends for what they chose to do for their wedding.

Hesma · 03/06/2023 17:05

You seem to think she owes you. She doesn’t, grow up!

DogOutInTheDark · 03/06/2023 17:06

Of course you are being VERY unreasonable!!

My two best friends, who took a central role in my wedding will never even get married. One has a long term same sex partner and they have said they'll never marry. The other just won't, she is anti marriage! My sil did a reading at my wedding, I was in the back row for hers! I wasn't a bridesmaid at my bothers wedding, but he was asked to do a speech at mine. That's just how it goes!

Until your post, I'd never ever even thought about it!!! I loved my wedding and the people who were there. I asked them to play specific roles because that's what my DH and I wanted.

I did my wedding as I wanted it. Others do theirs as they want. Your friends wedding and how she would like to do it is, to be frank, sod all to do with you!!!

A friend's role is to support their friend and make sure they get the wedding, they want. That's it. That's all.

catgirl1976 · 03/06/2023 17:07

Yours is the most unreasonable AIBU I’ve seen in 13 years if MN 🤣 Bless you you but really are being U

DogOutInTheDark · 03/06/2023 17:10

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:48

Plus I don't think she understands a "small" wedding can be just as expensive as a large wedding

Oh give over!!! It's none of your business!!

And small weddings can be cheap if you want them to be! My small wedding was 2k max! Including all food, reception etc... (Admittedly, it was 15 years ago! But we didn't scrimp!)

But in all honesty, how much the wedding costs is not your business OP

Cas112 · 03/06/2023 17:11

You can't have someone as a bridesmaid and expect them to return the favour, it doesn't work like that

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 03/06/2023 17:11

Clarinet1 · 03/06/2023 13:14

Slightly off-topic, but my understanding was always that bridesmaids were unmarried. The clue is in the old sense of the word “maid”.

Strictly speaking, this is correct. Married women are matrons of honour. Oldest unmarried female attendant is chief bridesmaid.

In practice, it makes no difference and we tend to call them all bridesmaids because it's easier and "matron" sounds a bit weird now.

Ambergrain · 03/06/2023 17:12

Just seen this thread adored for word for word in the Daily Mirror...

Scirocco · 03/06/2023 17:12

I suppose you've got 3 options.

You can accept that, as an adult with her own ideas and resources, she can decide how to have her own wedding and respect her choices.

You can fall out with her because you don't feel it's fair that she got to be a bridesmaid and you didn't get your turn.

You can turn up at her wedding in a bridesmaid's dress and beg and plead with her to let you be the bridesmaid this time and try to sneak into photos and down the aisle after her.

I'd suggest option one may be the most socially acceptable choice.

Emmamoo89 · 03/06/2023 17:13

Yabu

pollykitty · 03/06/2023 17:17

Yes YABVU. You have no say in someone else’s wedding and so just be happy for her and support her plans whatever they are.

YeahOkWhatever · 03/06/2023 17:23

We eloped and the straw that broke the camel's back in that decision was a long time "friend" emotionally blackmailing me into making her a bridesmaid. This then meant I really had to have another close friend, doubling my bridesmaids from 2 (best friend + sister) to 4. I had actually been the other close friend's bridesmaid but she didn't care that she wasn't mine. That's a true friend. Not all weddings are the same but they are all about the couple and what they want; no one else.

IAAL · 03/06/2023 17:28

YABVU, OP.

I can't believe that adult women carry on expecting their friendships to be the same as they were at primary school.

The whole wedding/bridesmaids stuff just makes me feel tired of life. You did what you wanted to do; your friend is doing what she wants to do.

jamdonut · 03/06/2023 17:36

A wedding is what you make it. My recent one, held in a church then a party in a pub afterwards cost at most £2500...most of that was Church fees and food. It was a lovely day though.
She should have what she wants and can afford. The 'niceties' aren't what make the day special.

thefamous5 · 03/06/2023 17:43

I was bridesmaid for both my sister in laws who had big weddings and spent a fortune on me.

They didn't even get the chance to come to my
Wedding let alone be a bridesmaid

ToWhitToWhoo · 03/06/2023 17:50

If she'd chosen other people as bridesmaids and left you out, you might have some reason to be upset. But just choosing to have a small wedding with no bridesmaids, and to prioritize travel spending over wedding spending - well, that is her (and the groom's) right. She is not obliged to have the same type of wedding as you.

Lingfield01 · 03/06/2023 18:10

YABU and a little immature